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A Girl in an Equestrian World

What if you were to wake up and find that you had turned into a pony here on earth?After a spell gone wrong, Fluttershy woke up one morning as a human. Will she, Twilight and Angel find a way to turn her back into the pony that she is meant to be, or will she forever a girl living in an Equestrian world?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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Woolytop

Woolytop #1 · Apr 25th, 2015 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

There's some mechanics errors here and there, but overall you spend a lot of time telling us what everyone's feeling instead of showing us. When you want to get across that a character is feeling a certain way, describe subtle ways that their behavior shifts to show that mood. I mean...

Angel didn't like his carrot. Fluttershy was disappointed. Fluttershy thought of a clever way to trick Angel into eating his carrot.

or...

Angel sniffed the carrot before him once or twice, then kicked it away and crossed his forelegs. Fluttershy sighed and turned away as she nursed a growing pain between her eyes. Suddenly, her eyes brightened, and she smiled deviously. What if Angel didn't know he was eating the carrot?

See the difference?

Also, boobies