Alllllllrighty then. I'll come back in a month once this has (hopefully) resolved itself. Shit has gone from semi normal to batshit insane, and my sanity needs to be saved.
Disturbed is indeed great for background music in this chapter
anyhow, i'm smiling at how you manage to do the unexpected at every turn. i disagree with his excessive violence and turning it all into a game, but the eventual decision i completely support(even though it causes unnecessary trauma to Luna, i think she can handle it though)
Hopefully we will now be getting to the repercussions of nirru's actions. I really want to see how the mane six react to all this. Especially twi and aj.
Woooooooooooo... Action... Woooooo... Mender being awesome... Wooooo... Luna... WooWoo...
Since we know this isn't the end (or even close), I'm glad that Mender somehow lives through a Moonsickle – or is it a Dreamsickle. heheh – to the neck.
Also good aim Luna, I have to appreciate a good neck shot. It's 3/4 of all my hits in FPS games xD.
No more, I yield. Who's idea was it to come read this version of the chapter!? ... Oh, What? Me? ... Well, I'm looking forward to Twilights reaction on this one And AJ will be mentally scarred forever. And Fluttershy And what about pinkie? Let's just say that she's ready to bake some cupcakes
And also, I'm leaving too many random comments, unrelated to the actual story. Well, at least I don't have anything to complain (cliffhangers, damn you) about. Which is a plus for this story.
Sooo might I dare inquire whether this story is going to have a happy ending? Because at this point it almost seems like the original ending to this story may have ended saving everyone else a lot of pain.
I'm rather excited to see the aftermath of Luna's charge - will it finish off this "monster", and if so, will we actually have anything left besides Mender's mind? It doesn't seem like the tentacles willingly want to recreate the.. Original? .. Pony.
Other than that, it makes me happy to see Mender finding mercy and thinking beyond the book - it would have seemed unnatural for him to mercilessly take away a sister, given the look into his mind we've had this entire time.
Mender, I'm looking forward to another view into your puzzled mind next Friday ~Bridge
Thanks for fulfilling my sick desires in connection with Nirru. Rip 'er apart and let Mender to feel the fear inside her. Thank you... THANK YOU! I highly enjoyed that... shit, maybe too much!
Really, these aren't cliffhangers... It's like being hung on from a hook through your skin, hoping it won't tear and drop you into the piranha pit... Loved the action in this chapter though, you really nailed the fighting scene! Wonder what happened to Nirru's body on the other side...
In my opinion you are coming up to the edge of too many cliffhangers, again. Haven't passed that point yet though but this is quite a subjective thing.
This is an awful lot of chaos for being left alone for a short time. Maybe Twilight will need to keep him on a leash at all times to keep him out of trouble. A literal leash . This also shows Celestia not sharing information is dangerous. There is a reason defence agencies share the information they do with one another.
"DON"T YOU DARE, OR WE WILL DESTROY YOU!"
Shouldn't that be:
"Don't you dare or we will destroy you!"
Could possibly add "foul creature" or something in there? That may be too much . I'm not sure about the all caps, I don't have a problem with all caps for unnaturally loud voice. Although some will cringe at it. It's the apostrophe turning in to a quotation mark which is the real problem. The comma is a little questionable but this is fan fiction, we all use, way to many, commas to, show, the, timing. Or at least I do in my stuff I never finish .
Mender is no monster; I'd have had the book saying to ease off on the violence. Can't say I like the idea of the dangerous creature getting away to get a second chance to make good on her threat of killing off Ponyville.
odd. as for the aftermath of this arc I'm more interested in AJ then Mender or Twilight.
2725682 No, the caps are far more important than the punctuation. Everyone knows the canterlock voice. I actually knew immediately who it was as soon as I saw the caps (it's a very effective tool). And I'd say Luna using canterlock is rather appropriate in this situation. It is literally a screaming announcement that says "I'm in charge, Give up now!"
I APPROVE OF THE APPROPRIATE USE OF CAPSLOCK Ironically I used shift to write that
2701367 - dargondarkfire There are no major storyline differences between the two sections. The only difference is the descriptions of sexuality/gore and choice tidbits of language. Reading the censored version, while a bit hollow if you ask me, will not lose you any bit of the actual storyline.
2701677 - Bridge Was that enough mercy for you? It appears Mender is still very much inside there. I'm also very glad that you scored well still!
2701778 - Lucky424 The major bits that are changed for that chapter is the descriptions revolving around the leg getting ripped off. The last chapter was... quite a bit more noticeable in the differences. Especially that last scene.
2702046 - Biscuits "Bastard" for the most part, as I think most of the "Fuck"s were actually "Fucker" instead. And... KITTY!
2705026 - Agarwaen Eeeeh. Keldarians aren't REALLY cats. It's just easiest to describe them as that. Or blue lombaxes.
2708466 - MuffinTop It stems from distrust of him, yes, but also him having JUST dropped all the disk information on her. He's always been something of a problem for them and she's seen him at his worst in a lot of cases, having almost been eaten prior by him. Further, she just walked in on her best friend getting potentially raped by her coltfriend, who spouts out a story about her being an alien creature from another dimension there to seduce him...
2709084 - Kaille It's a scary place. There's probably no hope for you now.
2723013 - spacecowboy I understand. Might I suggest three weeks or so? That should get you into a somewhat more stable area.
2723069 - ArcaneAngel I've been getting that one a lot too.
2723147 - Nikto It's technically not a game for him. He's very pragmatic in that form. He did want her to suffer however due to everything she did to him. But he stopped when Keela begged him to. Kinda an interesting wonder...
2723187 - Zontargs Not sure if self-esteem applies to a Tomato in the Mirror event. Adrenaline had him going up until then, but then he suddenly fully realized towards the end there that he wasn't a pony, or even a Keldarian. That's gotta be a bit traumatic.
2723193 - Zer0prototype Ramifications are coming. Not just social, but also upon his leg.
2723202 - mrclootis Thankfully you got more now. 2723235 - TheGreatSako Mercy granted. No cliffy for 28... Unless you REALLY want to know how Minesweeper went for him.
2723252 - Agarwaen No fair using meta to guess. I did enjoy Luna's interaction in the next chapter.
2723748 - Machibex Patience and you'll slowly find out.
2724404 - MuffinTop You can inquire, but I'm afraid I can't reveal the information. Unsure if this will be the 'last' story in Mender's reality, but it will probably be the longest.
2725004 - Bridge Mender is still Mender. He doesn't want to make Keela sad, and makes the probably extremely painful choice of letting Nirru escape back to her world to face justice there. Maybe. Unsure of what happened there, obviously.
2725111 - Sergiovan Everything going wrong is much more interesting. Also, you have your answer to that already. Twilight's waking up Rarity and Fluttershy and prepping the Elements if needed. Rainbow went on ahead to investigate following Luna's scout. Applejack is filling Twilight in.
2725141 - jazwiec Cliffhanger chain broken. I'm glad you approve that Mender is still Mender.
2725173 - Dhuradhan Heh. You learn more about Nirru in the next chapter, ironically. She definitely deserved what happened, and it was interesting writing her sudden shift in demeanor once she realized she couldn't get away.
2725493 - Sir Baasz Glad you enjoyed! That is a good question of course. What DID happen with Nirru and Keela after Nirru logged out?
2725682 - Chii-chan I agree fully on both accounts. You now know that was the last of the cliffhanger chain, AND Celestia not sharing information was indeed very dangerous. That's addressed almost word for word later. Good call. Oh, it was originally like that as well, grammatically. All three of my pre-readers almost MADE me change it to capslock however, just because it's the Royal Canterlot Voice.
2726644 - Guardian Talon Heh. Unreliable Narrator. Enough said.
2727158 - Mrluigifan102 HA! Okay, yeah, I can agree with that.
2728294 - _00500005_ Exactly what my pre-readers said when I bitched about the grammar. I'll leave it as such.
2728653 - RoboRed You already know how it turns out so I can't tease... But the aftermath is coming fast.
2729928 - Biscuits Fixed! Last of the cliffhangers!
3372554 - Starburst When either more scenes of extreme gore happen, or things get sensual. Of course, I guess there have been a few 'small' scenes I could put uncensored chapters up for but... hmm. I dunno. Is it worth it?
I had planned on doing some sort of comment half-way through my current re-read, and this is definitely the place to put it, but I'm not entirely sure what to put. I didn't go with collecting comment after comment for each chapter and putting them into one single burst here (though I might do that for a re-read near the end of this all, whenever that is). Maybe just a few thoughts, especially that this is right before where my last reread ended (up to current release at the time) and is about halfway for where the story is. At least, the ones I can remember or the ones I presently have.
Its so much clearer how bad a marefriend Twilight was. Forceful when things didn't go as she wanted them to, jumping into experimenting without asking or understanding, not truly trusting him, not taking his PTSD into account, getting unreasonably angry at times, using affection as a reward, keeping secrets, letting him run off, the list is very long. She still does a bit too many public displays of affection in my opinion, but I attribute that to the way their world is rather than Twi herself. True, it was her first try and I see why she'd be that way, but doesn't change what poor Mender went through. Its actually Mender's perspective that kind of hid the facts about her issues, given his inexperience too. Thankfully things have smoothed out quite a bit. Or so I believe, yet to reread the mending chapters ahead, might change my memoric view.
Its really interesting comparing where we are currently to just before the Censorship portion. Many plot points and characters and, well, almost everything outside the main group seemed to freeze and return about ten chapters later. And that makes sense. Despite what horrors Mender went through here, the rest of Equestria left off at the Gala and continued from there when we return to the rest of Equestria. Knowing that the race Rainbow will be in FINALLY got re-mentioned, curious to see what other threads got seemingly left behind and will be picked up later on in your master plan.
And then I should probably put something here about these mid-20s chapters. I have a hard time thinking of anything else that has ever made a hard left as much as this story did. I remember reading this, trying to take it all in, and being left on this brilliant cliff-hanger (27's) and argh-ing as I wanted to see how this would resolve. I had essentially no idea how it would. Looking from a whats-come-so-far-only perspective, the story could even have taken a Mender flees, timeskip, and the mane six search for him and picks up when they discover him against his wishes route. I do love stories when you get to points when something has to be revealed and resolved when the reader/watcher knows everything and its just the characters that have to react. Especially love those reactions. Chapter 25 was brilliant, the perfect way to let everything go to hell. I felt just so rending, made it feel like everything that had been built so far was ruined and this was a point of no return. 26 and 27 were still good, but 25 set the bar really really high in comparison. I'm glad this didn't make me rage quit, because you easily could have written it in a way to make that so.
Its kind of sad Forgiveness is more niche than Memory was. Memory remains my favorite for a number of reasons, including my love of well-wrapped in all stories like Madoka or The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer, and feels like the one I could more easily spread to others. Forgiveness I love too, not only for continuing my fav story and fav character, but for that niche of the romance and harem-y-ness and all fitting well in what I like too. It'll never get the same level of outside appreciation, but Forgiveness has become a weekly treat I always look forward to and will return to many times to come.
Alllllllrighty then.
I'll come back in a month once this has (hopefully) resolved itself. Shit has gone from semi normal to batshit insane, and my sanity needs to be saved.
AUGH!!! Cliffhangers!!! Other than that, *squee*
cool.
Disturbed is indeed great for background music in this chapter
anyhow, i'm smiling at how you manage to do the unexpected at every turn.
i disagree with his excessive violence and turning it all into a game, but the eventual decision i completely support(even though it causes unnecessary trauma to Luna, i think she can handle it though)
Cue the real Twilight. Now, if we can just get Mender some self-esteem....
Hopefully we will now be getting to the repercussions of nirru's actions. I really want to see how the mane six react to all this. Especially twi and aj.
I wanna see how this turns out. A lot.
Please...please, I beg of you! Have some fucking mercy, these cliffhangers are tearing me apart!
The real monster here is you, author.
Woooooooooooo... Action... Woooooo... Mender being awesome... Wooooo... Luna... WooWoo...
Since we know this isn't the end (or even close), I'm glad that Mender somehow lives through a Moonsickle – or is it a Dreamsickle. heheh – to the neck.
Also good aim Luna, I have to appreciate a good neck shot. It's 3/4 of all my hits in FPS games xD.
should be
No more, I yield.
Who's idea was it to come read this version of the chapter!?
...
Oh,
What?
Me?
...
Well, I'm looking forward to Twilights reaction on this one
And AJ will be mentally scarred forever.
And Fluttershy
And what about pinkie? Let's just say that she's ready to bake some cupcakes
And also, I'm leaving too many random comments, unrelated to the actual story.
Well, at least I don't have anything to complain (cliffhangers, damn you) about.
Which is a plus for this story.
I wonder what the outcome of all this would turn out to be
Sooo might I dare inquire whether this story is going to have a happy ending? Because at this point it almost seems like the original ending to this story may have ended saving everyone else a lot of pain.
I'm rather excited to see the aftermath of Luna's charge - will it finish off this "monster", and if so, will we actually have anything left besides Mender's mind? It doesn't seem like the tentacles willingly want to recreate the.. Original? .. Pony.
Other than that, it makes me happy to see Mender finding mercy and thinking beyond the book - it would have seemed unnatural for him to mercilessly take away a sister, given the look into his mind we've had this entire time.
Mender, I'm looking forward to another view into your puzzled mind next Friday
~Bridge
Why make one thing go wrong, when you can make EVERYTHING go wrong? AND WHERE THE F*** IS TWILIGHT NOW!?
I approve of Mender, the cosmic abomination with a heart of gold.
I disapprove of three cliffhangers in a row.
Thanks for fulfilling my sick desires in connection with Nirru. Rip 'er apart and let Mender to feel the fear inside her.
Thank you... THANK YOU! I highly enjoyed that... shit, maybe too much!
Really, these aren't cliffhangers... It's like being hung on from a hook through your skin, hoping it won't tear and drop you into the piranha pit...
Loved the action in this chapter though, you really nailed the fighting scene!
Wonder what happened to Nirru's body on the other side...
Read you next week!
- Baasz
In my opinion you are coming up to the edge of too many cliffhangers, again. Haven't passed that point yet though but this is quite a subjective thing.
This is an awful lot of chaos for being left alone for a short time. Maybe Twilight will need to keep him on a leash at all times to keep him out of trouble. A literal leash . This also shows Celestia not sharing information is dangerous. There is a reason defence agencies share the information they do with one another.
Shouldn't that be:
Could possibly add "foul creature" or something in there? That may be too much . I'm not sure about the all caps, I don't have a problem with all caps for unnaturally loud voice. Although some will cringe at it. It's the apostrophe turning in to a quotation mark which is the real problem. The comma is a little questionable but this is fan fiction, we all use, way to many, commas to, show, the, timing. Or at least I do in my stuff I never finish .
Mender is no monster; I'd have had the book saying to ease off on the violence. Can't say I like the idea of the dangerous creature getting away to get a second chance to make good on her threat of killing off Ponyville.
odd. as for the aftermath of this arc I'm more interested in AJ then Mender or Twilight.
Well, finished reading that chapter. Time to anxiously wait another week for the next.
Hold on a second, I'm receiving a message.
...It's for you, Kiro. It concerns that cliffhanger. I'll put it on the visual feed.
2725682
No, the caps are far more important than the punctuation.
Everyone knows the canterlock voice. I actually knew immediately who it was as soon as I saw the caps (it's a very effective tool).
And I'd say Luna using canterlock is rather appropriate in this situation.
It is literally a screaming announcement that says "I'm in charge, Give up now!"
I APPROVE OF THE APPROPRIATE USE OF CAPSLOCK
Ironically I used shift to write that
Holy damn...AJ and/or Rainbow had better arrive soon and explain things.
If it's not too late...
Fuck you and your cliffhangers, getting real tired of your shit kiro
eh it's cool though, I guess it makes the story better or some bullshit
still...
"Oh hey, Princess. Twilight said I could pick her brain for a while, want to join me? She's got all kinds of juicy little tidbits in there."
2701367 - dargondarkfire
There are no major storyline differences between the two sections. The only difference is the descriptions of sexuality/gore and choice tidbits of language. Reading the censored version, while a bit hollow if you ask me, will not lose you any bit of the actual storyline.
2701677 - Bridge
Was that enough mercy for you? It appears Mender is still very much inside there. I'm also very glad that you scored well still!
2701778 - Lucky424
The major bits that are changed for that chapter is the descriptions revolving around the leg getting ripped off. The last chapter was... quite a bit more noticeable in the differences. Especially that last scene.
2702046 - Biscuits
"Bastard" for the most part, as I think most of the "Fuck"s were actually "Fucker" instead. And... KITTY!
2705026 - Agarwaen
Eeeeh. Keldarians aren't REALLY cats. It's just easiest to describe them as that. Or blue lombaxes.
2708466 - MuffinTop
It stems from distrust of him, yes, but also him having JUST dropped all the disk information on her. He's always been something of a problem for them and she's seen him at his worst in a lot of cases, having almost been eaten prior by him. Further, she just walked in on her best friend getting potentially raped by her coltfriend, who spouts out a story about her being an alien creature from another dimension there to seduce him...
2709084 - Kaille
It's a scary place. There's probably no hope for you now.
2723013 - spacecowboy
I understand. Might I suggest three weeks or so? That should get you into a somewhat more stable area.
2723069 - ArcaneAngel
I've been getting that one a lot too.
2723104 - grandmasterfred
2723147 - Nikto
It's technically not a game for him. He's very pragmatic in that form. He did want her to suffer however due to everything she did to him. But he stopped when Keela begged him to. Kinda an interesting wonder...
2723187 - Zontargs
Not sure if self-esteem applies to a Tomato in the Mirror event. Adrenaline had him going up until then, but then he suddenly fully realized towards the end there that he wasn't a pony, or even a Keldarian. That's gotta be a bit traumatic.
2723193 - Zer0prototype
Ramifications are coming. Not just social, but also upon his leg.
2723202 - mrclootis
Thankfully you got more now.
2723235 - TheGreatSako
Mercy granted. No cliffy for 28... Unless you REALLY want to know how Minesweeper went for him.
2723252 - Agarwaen
No fair using meta to guess. I did enjoy Luna's interaction in the next chapter.
2723261 - MikhailWilson
Thank you.
2723364 - Starburst
Random comments are totally fine. You'll eventually see fallout from all this. Maybe even a little in chapter 29.
(1/2)
2723748 - Machibex
Patience and you'll slowly find out.
2724404 - MuffinTop
You can inquire, but I'm afraid I can't reveal the information. Unsure if this will be the 'last' story in Mender's reality, but it will probably be the longest.
2725004 - Bridge
Mender is still Mender. He doesn't want to make Keela sad, and makes the probably extremely painful choice of letting Nirru escape back to her world to face justice there. Maybe. Unsure of what happened there, obviously.
2725111 - Sergiovan
Everything going wrong is much more interesting. Also, you have your answer to that already. Twilight's waking up Rarity and Fluttershy and prepping the Elements if needed. Rainbow went on ahead to investigate following Luna's scout. Applejack is filling Twilight in.
2725141 - jazwiec
Cliffhanger chain broken. I'm glad you approve that Mender is still Mender.
2725173 - Dhuradhan
Heh. You learn more about Nirru in the next chapter, ironically. She definitely deserved what happened, and it was interesting writing her sudden shift in demeanor once she realized she couldn't get away.
2725493 - Sir Baasz
Glad you enjoyed! That is a good question of course. What DID happen with Nirru and Keela after Nirru logged out?
2725682 - Chii-chan
I agree fully on both accounts. You now know that was the last of the cliffhanger chain, AND Celestia not sharing information was indeed very dangerous. That's addressed almost word for word later. Good call.
Oh, it was originally like that as well, grammatically. All three of my pre-readers almost MADE me change it to capslock however, just because it's the Royal Canterlot Voice.
2726644 - Guardian Talon
Heh. Unreliable Narrator. Enough said.
2727158 - Mrluigifan102
HA! Okay, yeah, I can agree with that.
2728294 - _00500005_
Exactly what my pre-readers said when I bitched about the grammar. I'll leave it as such.
2728653 - RoboRed
You already know how it turns out so I can't tease... But the aftermath is coming fast.
2729928 - Biscuits
Fixed! Last of the cliffhangers!
2752781 - Periphery
That's terrible.
(2/2)
2763419
publishersearch.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/cliffhanger.jpg
what do you mean? now I'm waiting to find out how minesweeper goes, that shits deadly
well, that escalated quickly
2896580 - Narishia98
I've been getting that a lot.
Soo... When will we see more of this?
3372554 - Starburst
When either more scenes of extreme gore happen, or things get sensual. Of course, I guess there have been a few 'small' scenes I could put uncensored chapters up for but... hmm. I dunno. Is it worth it?
3373591
Nah, let's just wait for things to get shitty again.
*looks at clock*
4 chapters max
I had planned on doing some sort of comment half-way through my current re-read, and this is definitely the place to put it, but I'm not entirely sure what to put. I didn't go with collecting comment after comment for each chapter and putting them into one single burst here (though I might do that for a re-read near the end of this all, whenever that is). Maybe just a few thoughts, especially that this is right before where my last reread ended (up to current release at the time) and is about halfway for where the story is. At least, the ones I can remember or the ones I presently have.
Its so much clearer how bad a marefriend Twilight was. Forceful when things didn't go as she wanted them to, jumping into experimenting without asking or understanding, not truly trusting him, not taking his PTSD into account, getting unreasonably angry at times, using affection as a reward, keeping secrets, letting him run off, the list is very long. She still does a bit too many public displays of affection in my opinion, but I attribute that to the way their world is rather than Twi herself. True, it was her first try and I see why she'd be that way, but doesn't change what poor Mender went through. Its actually Mender's perspective that kind of hid the facts about her issues, given his inexperience too. Thankfully things have smoothed out quite a bit. Or so I believe, yet to reread the mending chapters ahead, might change my memoric view.
Its really interesting comparing where we are currently to just before the Censorship portion. Many plot points and characters and, well, almost everything outside the main group seemed to freeze and return about ten chapters later. And that makes sense. Despite what horrors Mender went through here, the rest of Equestria left off at the Gala and continued from there when we return to the rest of Equestria. Knowing that the race Rainbow will be in FINALLY got re-mentioned, curious to see what other threads got seemingly left behind and will be picked up later on in your master plan.
And then I should probably put something here about these mid-20s chapters. I have a hard time thinking of anything else that has ever made a hard left as much as this story did. I remember reading this, trying to take it all in, and being left on this brilliant cliff-hanger (27's) and argh-ing as I wanted to see how this would resolve. I had essentially no idea how it would. Looking from a whats-come-so-far-only perspective, the story could even have taken a Mender flees, timeskip, and the mane six search for him and picks up when they discover him against his wishes route. I do love stories when you get to points when something has to be revealed and resolved when the reader/watcher knows everything and its just the characters that have to react. Especially love those reactions. Chapter 25 was brilliant, the perfect way to let everything go to hell. I felt just so rending, made it feel like everything that had been built so far was ruined and this was a point of no return. 26 and 27 were still good, but 25 set the bar really really high in comparison. I'm glad this didn't make me rage quit, because you easily could have written it in a way to make that so.
Its kind of sad Forgiveness is more niche than Memory was. Memory remains my favorite for a number of reasons, including my love of well-wrapped in all stories like Madoka or The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer, and feels like the one I could more easily spread to others. Forgiveness I love too, not only for continuing my fav story and fav character, but for that niche of the romance and harem-y-ness and all fitting well in what I like too. It'll never get the same level of outside appreciation, but Forgiveness has become a weekly treat I always look forward to and will return to many times to come.
Thanks Kiro.