• Member Since 19th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Sedgewick


Guitarist, failed artist, somewhat of a writer. Also a pretty nice guy believe or it or not.

E

What is there to say to someone, when they're no longer there?

Well this is officially my very first fanfic/story that I have ever made. So excuse anything that may seem out of whack or whatever. I tried. Anyway I hope there's some people who will enjoy this and also any criticism is allowed. I could use any advice and tips that you can give me.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 43 )
#1 · Sep 26th, 2011 · · ·

ahem ok where do I start
:fluttershysad:
:pinkiesad2:
:fluttercry:
MY HEART IT BURNS
awesome sadfic

Thank ya, glad you liked it :twilightsmile:

I know I told you this, but this is an amazing story. You did a good job showing emotions, and my eyes welled up. And I told you this too, but KEEP WRITING and get better! Cause you're awesome and I think you really can go places. Let yer soul flow over your words, maaaan.

Will do, I'll keep going and attempt to write more stuff. Also thank you, it does mean a lot to me, and nice, you went total hippie on me on the last part :P

YOU KILLED FLUTTERSHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:applecry::fluttercry::flutterrage::fluttershysad::pinkiecrazy::pinkiesad2::raritycry::raritydespair:


Good writing, though. You have talent. Keep it up!

But don't kill her again!

Thank You hah and don't worry, I don't plan on having her die again in any fanfics (unless something compels me to do so again). I just had the random thought of this story while driving around, so I decided to go with it.

Still looking for criticism on this, so if you got something to say about, go ahead and do so! I love gettin' feedback.

Criticism, you say? Guess its time for me to do my thing :ajsmug:

I seem to be just attracted to sadfics or something, dunno why I do this to myself. That aside, this is a very good fic, made me a little teary, even (probably because of this piano music I've got going).

Though there are still some things that can use fixing:

An ellipsis (the dot dot dot) should only be three dots, nothing more, nothing less. Also, put in a space after each one. On top of that, you have a LOT of these throughout your story. I wouldn't say this is much of a problem, but you can afford a few commas and periods in the mix.

You like to use could of, should of, and would of. This is a big no no, find those parts and replace them with could have (could've), should have (should've), and would have (would've). Also, "never of" should be "never have"

In some instances, you neglect to insert commas before a character's name comes up in the dialogue, this needs to be changed
- alright, Rainbow
- sorry, Fluttershy
- you, Fluttershy
- C'mon, Rainbow-
- alright, Rainbow
- C'mon, Rainbow
- go, Twilight...
- forest, Twilight
- up, Rainbow Dash
- right, Twi
- you, Fluttershy

Some parts of dialogue aren't punctuated properly. You throw in periods at the end of dialogue when the sentence isn't over. I'm a new writer, myself, but this fact has been made apparent to me. Also, some words don't need capitalizing when the sentence is continuing. I'll paste the parts that need fixing, and bold the changes for you (man, I hope I'm explaining this right)
- now,” replied
- longer...” said
- hear?” said
- ends...” she
- Dash...” she
- happen,said
- Twilight...” said
- boulder...” she
- whispered, “Thank

Now for some grammar mistakes that need fixing
colts running
colts were running

harshly and
harshly, and

all in one. All at one time.
all at once
this just sounds better

though tears
get rid of 'though'

hope your in
hope you're in
no, no, no, no, no, this simply will not do.

to..." he
to...” She
:ajbemused: I'm sure this was an honest mistake

better. It
better, but

Her and Fluttershy
Fluttershy and herself

me and Spike tonight
Spike and me. (get rid of tonight)

not after she
not before

happened...She
happened... she

make everything just that much worse.
just make everything worse.

Instead she
Instead, she

friends grave
friend's grave

whispered “Thank
whispered, "Thank

Phew, that was a bit more lengthy than I expected, heh. All in all, these are just things that will make your story look a lot better than it is right now. Good fic, it just needs some tweaks, try to remember these tips (or talk to someone who has been writing longer than me :twilightblush: ). Here's hoping this helps!

Now I just hope this text comes out right.

Holy wall of text batman, but thank you lol. I've had no experience in writing anything more than a school essay that I've had to write out, so this is very helpful for me and I appreciate it. I will take note of this. :twilightsmile:

Well I did tear up a bit, I'll admit. Good tear-jerker there. Especially tough with the Fluttershy shippy I have going on.
As far as criticism, the only thing I was going to say was to fix the forms of your/you're, but massive text wall fixed it.
Other than that, this was an amazing story. I don't really like sadfics, but since you've read my stories, I decided to read yours. Very, very well done. Still upset the Fluttershy died, but it was the kind thing to do. :fluttercry:

Well done! I don't normally read sadfics (or anything with character death, for that matter) but a friend suggested this so I gave it a try. I was pleased with how well you portrayed Dash's emotions. It's easy to go overboard when writing angst, but you displayed her sorrow well. The end scene definitely pulled on some heart strings.

For your first fanfic, this is really good. I mean REALLY freaking good. Much better than the crap I spat out back in my earlier writing days. I would love to see what else you could contribute to this community. If you characterized Dash so well, I can only imagine what you could do with a longer story.

With that said, I would like to give some suggestions/point out some typos (besides what Some Person already noted).

Your syntax needs some work in a few areas, mostly comma use.
-It's beginning to get late you guys, we should probably start heading home...
-It's beginning to get late, you guys. We should probably start heading home.
Independent clauses do not need to be joined by a comma since they can stand alone just fine. Same thing going on here:
-“Rarity's right guys, Ah can see the sun startin' to set now.”
-“Rarity's right, guys. Ah can see the sun startin' to set now.”
Correct comma use can be hard to learn. The best way is to be very attentive when you read other professional works, noting when commas appear and when they don't. Luckily, syntax is one of the last things to turn people away, so it's not a big deal if it takes you a while to master :raritywink:

I would also like to say there is a bit of an abundance of the ellipsis. Although Rainbow is indeed sad through out the story, there are other ways of narrating her sorrow rather than having her trail off at the end of every sentence. Perhaps vary it up a bit by saying things like: she said quietly, she muttered, she trailed off, she said with a sigh, etc. This didn't affect the mood of the story at all, but I thought I'd point it out :)

In this sentence, you mention Rainbow again when it is not necessary. Because the rest of the paragraph already focuses on her, you can easily replace her name with the possessive pronoun.
-The smallest of smirks made its way across Rainbow's mouth.
-The smallest of smirks made its way across her mouth.

Too many words here:
-The smirk that was upon her face once before had quickly turned into a frown as she dropped her head to the ground again
-The smirk that was on her face before had quickly turned into a frown as she dropped her head to the ground again.

There are a few instances where you use "though," even when the word's presence isn't necessary at all. Here is where the true power of the comma is revealed, as it flawlessly combines these two clauses without the use of "though."
-She swallowed the knot down, though her eyes began to well.
-She swallowed the knot down, her eyes beginning to well.

Teeny typos:
-There was no stopping of it.
-There was no stopping it.

-She afraid that she might say something that could make everything just that much worse.
-She was afraid that she might say something that could make everything even worse

-Rainbow glanced over her shoulder, looking in the direction of where her friends grave was.
-Rainbow glanced over her shoulder, looking in the direction of where her friend's grave was.

Syntax again:
-Though what she was never able to say before, what she wanted Fluttershy to know, was the thing that tore at Rainbow the most.
-It was what she wanted Fluttershy to know, but could never say, that tore at Rainbow the most.

-Rainbow Dash couldn't find any words to say, all she could do is nod and go with Twilight. Although not after she did one more thing.
-Rainbow Dash couldn't find any words to say. All she could do was nod and go with Twilight, but not before doing one more thing.

Now don't worry too much about sounding perfect with your sentence construction. In fact, you could rearrange half the words you've written and you would still be writing a beautiful story. If you're really unsure of how to use a comma, or what order to put your thoughts in, just write what you think gets your message across best.

Don't be discouraged at all by any errors you make. That's the only way to learn! :rainbowkiss: If you ever need a beta reader or someone of the sort, don't hesitate to ask!

I'll end by saying again that I really do love this story, and that it's definitely one of the better fics in this fandom.

I hope I was helpful :heart:

Indeed I do tend to make a lot of typos, or I'll end up writing something that I think sounds good just to end up deleting some of it later and leaving in some stuff that doesn't make sense.:twilightblush: You were indeed very helpful Melodic, and it means a lot to me, saying it's one of the better fanfics out there. I've never been a good writer to begin, I always lived around music, but I suppose I could take a new path and start something new. Thank you guys, just loving these walls of text/walls of criticism. :pinkiesmile:

MnM

Though you do need to work on your grammar, I normally don't look at that. This story is well written, the emotions are portrayed in great detail, and the way you displayed the characters personalities, I could actually imagine this happening in the show. This sadfic actually caused a few tears to roll down my cheek. Congrats, you did what no other story was able to do. Bravo mate, bravo. :fluttershysad:

9243i know it probably dosnt matter but i got completely lost on your wall of criticism but if zev got thats cool cause i just got a headache lol:derpytongue2:

good sadfic ill admit i had to shed a manly tear for fluttershy:fluttercry:

:fluttercry:
Great story, but so sad. I literally teared up reading this.
bravo sir, bravo

Still amazes me that I managed to actually get this right. :pinkiegasp: Thank you for the comments, greatly appreciated. :twilightsmile:

MY HEEEEAAAARRRRRRT! IT BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNS!

Poor Fluttershy.

Wow. It was a great piece. Even though I prefer a flair of overdramatis, I must say well done. Your piece does truely make a fiddle out of one's heartstring. I must this did leave me with more questions though. I would really like to read what happened that caused Fluttershy's death, or maybe some more follow-up to everypony eles reactions. Then again that's just me being greedy. Anyway thanks for the wonderful story.:twilightsmile:

my heart hurts right now and I'm crying it was so beautiful and so sad. ::fluttershysad::fluttercry::raritycry:

18955

Hmm... maybe I'll consider making a side story that explains all that happened. I'll ponder on it, thanks for the idea, and you're welcome for the story. :pinkiehappy:

You killed Fluttershy!
YOU BASTARD ILL KEEL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
(good story thou few grammer issues and a couple mispelled words )

Pyros Overall grade for Words Left Unsaid by Zev/Zev's Requiem : 4/5

Zev, tell me, how could you think this wasn't very good. I really liked it, really tugged at my heart. You really should write more!

Very low opinion of myself and my work, that's how lol.

You are ready. Concept, characters, events are all go.

The only things left are execution and mechanics. This fic is ready for a brutal round of red ink editing. If you're game, either message me or drop by ponychan /fic/ Training Grounds.

poor Rainbow Dash... sniff

Wow... for your first fanfic this is really good. I had tears streaming down my face the whole time.
Other than some grammatical errors, awesome fimfic!

36316

Thank you! That means a lot to me to hear... er... read that! :twilightsmile:

I know it looks like it, but I'm not crying. It's just.... it's cold outside, y'know cold air always makes my eyes..... OKAY, so I cried! As soon as I realized whose grave they stood by, it felt like someone punched me :fluttercry: I'm serious when I say my eyes watered.

37163

Gotcha, Shade. :pinkiehappy:

Great to know still that I got the emotions down pretty good. :twilightsmile:

very good work of fiction! :pinkiecrazy:

I need a hug, I feel so derpressed after this :pinkiesad2: *ahem* AAAAAAAAA I CRIED MANY TEARS AND IT IS SO SAD WHY, AUTHER? WHY? :pinkiesad2::fluttershysad::fluttercry::applecry::raritydespair::raritycry:


IN OTHER WORDS: Gr8 fic! :pinkiehappy:

130119

:twilightblush:

I'm glad you liked it. :pinkiehappy:

Great story. :fluttercry:

I enjoyed reading every bit of it.
Thanks for a great story.

153883

You are quite welcome. It's great to hear that people enjoy this so much, still. :pinkiehappy:

:fluttercry::raritycry: WHY!? real good by the way. man this is this first the first fanfics i ever cried about. :fluttershysad:

1090383

Oh snap. I never thought I'd see another comment on this. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it and took the time to comment. Really means quite a bit to me. :pinkiehappy:

Damn here come the waterworks, :raritydespair::raritycry: :pinkiesad2::fluttercry::applecry:

5066545 I feel it's a little late to be posting any corrections on a story that's three years old. Not to mention that I feel that this was complete trash to begin with and have no intentions on doing anything further with it.

5071863
It wasn't bad. There's always reason to revisit.

5071956 I guess. I doubt it'll come anytime soon, if at all though.

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