• Published 5th Oct 2011
  • 3,768 Views, 43 Comments

Words Left Unsaid - Sedgewick



What is there to say to someone, when they're no longer there?

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Words Left Unsaid

Words Left Unsaid by Zev/Zev's Requiem.
I also want to thank Deejay pon3 for proof reading this and encouraging me to continue on writing. So thank you. Also a big thank you to Some Person and MelodicMadness for their giant walls of criticism. Very much appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a beautiful day out today. The fillies and colts were running amuck, playing and having fun. Adults enjoying their Saturday afternoon. Everypony was having a good time, except for a familiar group of friends. To these friends, it was a very unfortunate day. Especially for one; Rainbow Dash.

“It's hard to believe this really happened...” stated Twilight. Depression hung around the air about them. No pony could think of anything to say at this time, it was just minutes of silence. Rainbow Dash had taken this harshly, and there was very little that anypony could do or say that could of helped lift her spirits. The death of a friend is an agonizing thing to go through indeed.

“It's beginning to get late you, guys. We should probably start heading home.” Rarity suggested, mainly trying to break the sad silence the group had been engulfed in.

“Rarity's right, guys. Ah can see the sun startin' to set now.” replied an orange Earth pony known as Applejack. Twilight and Pinkie looked at each nodding in agreement.

“You guys go ahead, I wanna stay here for a little longer.” Rainbow sighed as she stared blankly down at the ground.

“Well alright Rainbow, just take care of yourself ya hear?” Said Applejack as she laid a hoof on Dash's shoulder. She nodded, still looking down at the ground. Her friends began their trot home before the sun set. She sat there for several moments until she couldn't hear her friends anymore. She glanced up to the gravestone that lay before her, then to the sky, watching the sun slowly makes its way across the rest of the sky. Rainbow took a deep breath before breaking the silence she had sat in for so long.

“So I guess this is how it all ends ...” she began
“It's hard to believe that this is how it really ends though...”. Rainbow looked back at the grave in front of her. Another moment of silence drew by as she gazed at the grave. The smallest of smirks made its way across Rainbow's mouth.

“I remember all the great times we had together. Like at the best young fliers competition. And planning Pinkie's birthday party...those were some good ones.” She glanced back up to the sky. The sun still inching itself closer over the horizon.

“And even if you thought I never liked having you around, or that I got frustrated trying to teach you something, then that's not true. I loved spending time with you.” Rainbow paused for a second. The smirk that was on her face before had quickly turned into a frown as she dropped her head to the ground again.

“I only wish I could of spent more time with you.” her heart sank, a knot forming in her throat as she tried to speak out the next few words. She swallowed the knot down, her eyes beginning to well. She opened her mouth, yet nothing came out. No words were spoken. Just the familiar sound of nothing. Of silence. The sun was just about over the horizon. The night grew darker as Luna's moon had began rising itself into the sky, as did the sun shortly before.

“I'll always treasure those memories...” she took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure to no avail.

“I'm sorry, Fluttershy...I'm so sorry...” tears began to stream down Rainbow's face. She did nothing to hide it or cover it up. She simply let the tears stream, soaking the Earth. There was no stopping it. She pounded on the ground with a hoof in sudden anger at herself. She thought she could of done something, anything that could of helped her friend.

“I was the one that should of taken the hit! you didn’t have to give up your life for me...” she choked for a moment before continuing.

“I should never have talked you into doing it...I kept telling you we would be alright in the end...but now look where it got us...” She pounded the ground several more times. She felt so many emotions hit her at once. It was like a wave of guilt, anger, and sadness all at once. It was what she wanted Fluttershy to know, but could never say, that tore at Rainbow the most.

“And there were just so many things I wish I told you...” she gritted her teeth together.
“but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.” Rainbow closed her eyes, though tears still streaming. Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm herself. The moon had finally made its way into the deep blue ocean up above, darkening the world underneath.

“I always loved you, Fluttershy...but I just couldn't tell you...” It felt as if Rainbow's heart was just broken. Pieces left to be picked up or swept away. She dropped her head to her hooves now, crying into her own arms. After several moments of this she managed to bring her head up to try and see the grave that was presumably in front of her still. She moved closer to it with a hoof out in front of her until she could feel the cold stone.

“I wish I told you before this, but now it kills me that I never will be able to.” she sighed and lowered her hoof back to the ground before speaking again.

“or maybe I already have been able to...” Another small smile made its way across Rainbow's face, only be destroyed by another frown and steaming tears. Her head dropped to the ground yet again, the tears falling and soaking the cold Earth below her. She replayed Fluttershy's same song in her head, hoping that it could somewhat make her feel a little better. It had only made things hurt worse.

“I just hope your in a better place now...” She unfolded her wing a bit, revealing a picture frame that she had grabbed with her mouth. It was a picture of Fluttershy and herself together at one of Pinkie's parties. She gently put the picture down, leaning it against the gravestone. Rainbow suddenly felt a hoof on her shoulder. Rainbow jerked her head over her shoulder to see that it was Twilight. Rainbow sat there in silence, staring into Twilight's deep purple eyes.

“C'mon, Rainbow-” But Twilight was quickly interrupted by Rainbow, who had jumped up and embraced her. Twilight stood there in shock for a second before returning the embrace and rubbing Rainbow's back a little. Twilight could hear the muffled sounds of her friend sobbing on her shoulder.

“Shh, It'll be alright, Rainbow Dash...” she reassured as tears of her own began to flow down her cheek. Several minutes had passed before Twilight pushed herself out of the embrace to look at Rainbow Dash.

“C'mon, Rainbow, you can stay the night with Spike and me.” Rainbow Dash couldn't find any words to say. All she could do was nod and go with Twilight, but not before doing one more thing.

“Twilight, do you have a quill on you?” Rainbow asked, looking up at the purple unicorn. Twilight looked at the cyan pegasus for a moment before materializing a quill and a bottle of ink in front of her and handing it to Rainbow. She took the quill in her mouth and dipped it in the ink before writing something on the picture she had placed down earlier. Thanks for always being there Fluttershy, you were always a great a friend.

“Let's go Twilight.” said Rainbow as she dropped the quill by the bottle of ink and trotting towards where Twilight was standing. She nodded in agreement, the two trotting away from the grave.

“I shouldn’t of let us go through the Everfree forest, Twilight. I never should've...”

Twilight looked over at Rainbow. The tears were still streaming down her face, though not as bad as before.

“Don’t beat yourself up Rainbow Dash. You couldn’t of known it was going to happen.” Said Twilight, trying to comfort her friend who sluggishly followed.

“I-I guess your right, Twi...I just wish it was me who saved her from that boulder...” She said, slamming her eyes shut.

“I just didn’t know what was happening. It was all so dark...then the next thing I know it I’m on my back a few feet away...I couldn’t find Fluttershy anywhere...” she choked again, before re-opening her eyes to look over at Twilight. Her eyes were filled with concern and sadness. Rainbow looked back down to the ground.

“I-I can’t believe what happened...She risked her life to save me...” she paused for a second, leaving the two in utter silence. Twilight wasn’t sure what to say at this point. She afraid that she might say something that could make everything just that much worse. Instead she stopped for a second and pulled Rainbow into another embrace. Rainbow just buried her face back into Twilight’s shoulder, sobbing.

Twilight’s mane had been soaked by this point, but she didn’t care. Anything that could help her friend in this time of need. Minutes passed by until Twilight finally broke the embrace to look at Rainbow, smiling at her a bit. The two got back up and began their trot back to the library again. Rainbow glanced over her shoulder, looking in the direction of where her friends grave was.

She whispered, “Thank you Fluttershy...for everything...I’ll never forget you...”

Comments ( 42 )
#1 · Sep 26th, 2011 · · ·

ahem ok where do I start
:fluttershysad:
:pinkiesad2:
:fluttercry:
MY HEART IT BURNS
awesome sadfic

Thank ya, glad you liked it :twilightsmile:

I know I told you this, but this is an amazing story. You did a good job showing emotions, and my eyes welled up. And I told you this too, but KEEP WRITING and get better! Cause you're awesome and I think you really can go places. Let yer soul flow over your words, maaaan.

Will do, I'll keep going and attempt to write more stuff. Also thank you, it does mean a lot to me, and nice, you went total hippie on me on the last part :P

YOU KILLED FLUTTERSHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:applecry::fluttercry::flutterrage::fluttershysad::pinkiecrazy::pinkiesad2::raritycry::raritydespair:


Good writing, though. You have talent. Keep it up!

But don't kill her again!

Thank You hah and don't worry, I don't plan on having her die again in any fanfics (unless something compels me to do so again). I just had the random thought of this story while driving around, so I decided to go with it.

Still looking for criticism on this, so if you got something to say about, go ahead and do so! I love gettin' feedback.

Criticism, you say? Guess its time for me to do my thing :ajsmug:

I seem to be just attracted to sadfics or something, dunno why I do this to myself. That aside, this is a very good fic, made me a little teary, even (probably because of this piano music I've got going).

Though there are still some things that can use fixing:

An ellipsis (the dot dot dot) should only be three dots, nothing more, nothing less. Also, put in a space after each one. On top of that, you have a LOT of these throughout your story. I wouldn't say this is much of a problem, but you can afford a few commas and periods in the mix.

You like to use could of, should of, and would of. This is a big no no, find those parts and replace them with could have (could've), should have (should've), and would have (would've). Also, "never of" should be "never have"

In some instances, you neglect to insert commas before a character's name comes up in the dialogue, this needs to be changed
- alright, Rainbow
- sorry, Fluttershy
- you, Fluttershy
- C'mon, Rainbow-
- alright, Rainbow
- C'mon, Rainbow
- go, Twilight...
- forest, Twilight
- up, Rainbow Dash
- right, Twi
- you, Fluttershy

Some parts of dialogue aren't punctuated properly. You throw in periods at the end of dialogue when the sentence isn't over. I'm a new writer, myself, but this fact has been made apparent to me. Also, some words don't need capitalizing when the sentence is continuing. I'll paste the parts that need fixing, and bold the changes for you (man, I hope I'm explaining this right)
- now,” replied
- longer...” said
- hear?” said
- ends...” she
- Dash...” she
- happen,said
- Twilight...” said
- boulder...” she
- whispered, “Thank

Now for some grammar mistakes that need fixing
colts running
colts were running

harshly and
harshly, and

all in one. All at one time.
all at once
this just sounds better

though tears
get rid of 'though'

hope your in
hope you're in
no, no, no, no, no, this simply will not do.

to..." he
to...” She
:ajbemused: I'm sure this was an honest mistake

better. It
better, but

Her and Fluttershy
Fluttershy and herself

me and Spike tonight
Spike and me. (get rid of tonight)

not after she
not before

happened...She
happened... she

make everything just that much worse.
just make everything worse.

Instead she
Instead, she

friends grave
friend's grave

whispered “Thank
whispered, "Thank

Phew, that was a bit more lengthy than I expected, heh. All in all, these are just things that will make your story look a lot better than it is right now. Good fic, it just needs some tweaks, try to remember these tips (or talk to someone who has been writing longer than me :twilightblush: ). Here's hoping this helps!

Now I just hope this text comes out right.

Holy wall of text batman, but thank you lol. I've had no experience in writing anything more than a school essay that I've had to write out, so this is very helpful for me and I appreciate it. I will take note of this. :twilightsmile:

Well I did tear up a bit, I'll admit. Good tear-jerker there. Especially tough with the Fluttershy shippy I have going on.
As far as criticism, the only thing I was going to say was to fix the forms of your/you're, but massive text wall fixed it.
Other than that, this was an amazing story. I don't really like sadfics, but since you've read my stories, I decided to read yours. Very, very well done. Still upset the Fluttershy died, but it was the kind thing to do. :fluttercry:

Well done! I don't normally read sadfics (or anything with character death, for that matter) but a friend suggested this so I gave it a try. I was pleased with how well you portrayed Dash's emotions. It's easy to go overboard when writing angst, but you displayed her sorrow well. The end scene definitely pulled on some heart strings.

For your first fanfic, this is really good. I mean REALLY freaking good. Much better than the crap I spat out back in my earlier writing days. I would love to see what else you could contribute to this community. If you characterized Dash so well, I can only imagine what you could do with a longer story.

With that said, I would like to give some suggestions/point out some typos (besides what Some Person already noted).

Your syntax needs some work in a few areas, mostly comma use.
-It's beginning to get late you guys, we should probably start heading home...
-It's beginning to get late, you guys. We should probably start heading home.
Independent clauses do not need to be joined by a comma since they can stand alone just fine. Same thing going on here:
-“Rarity's right guys, Ah can see the sun startin' to set now.”
-“Rarity's right, guys. Ah can see the sun startin' to set now.”
Correct comma use can be hard to learn. The best way is to be very attentive when you read other professional works, noting when commas appear and when they don't. Luckily, syntax is one of the last things to turn people away, so it's not a big deal if it takes you a while to master :raritywink:

I would also like to say there is a bit of an abundance of the ellipsis. Although Rainbow is indeed sad through out the story, there are other ways of narrating her sorrow rather than having her trail off at the end of every sentence. Perhaps vary it up a bit by saying things like: she said quietly, she muttered, she trailed off, she said with a sigh, etc. This didn't affect the mood of the story at all, but I thought I'd point it out :)

In this sentence, you mention Rainbow again when it is not necessary. Because the rest of the paragraph already focuses on her, you can easily replace her name with the possessive pronoun.
-The smallest of smirks made its way across Rainbow's mouth.
-The smallest of smirks made its way across her mouth.

Too many words here:
-The smirk that was upon her face once before had quickly turned into a frown as she dropped her head to the ground again
-The smirk that was on her face before had quickly turned into a frown as she dropped her head to the ground again.

There are a few instances where you use "though," even when the word's presence isn't necessary at all. Here is where the true power of the comma is revealed, as it flawlessly combines these two clauses without the use of "though."
-She swallowed the knot down, though her eyes began to well.
-She swallowed the knot down, her eyes beginning to well.

Teeny typos:
-There was no stopping of it.
-There was no stopping it.

-She afraid that she might say something that could make everything just that much worse.
-She was afraid that she might say something that could make everything even worse

-Rainbow glanced over her shoulder, looking in the direction of where her friends grave was.
-Rainbow glanced over her shoulder, looking in the direction of where her friend's grave was.

Syntax again:
-Though what she was never able to say before, what she wanted Fluttershy to know, was the thing that tore at Rainbow the most.
-It was what she wanted Fluttershy to know, but could never say, that tore at Rainbow the most.

-Rainbow Dash couldn't find any words to say, all she could do is nod and go with Twilight. Although not after she did one more thing.
-Rainbow Dash couldn't find any words to say. All she could do was nod and go with Twilight, but not before doing one more thing.

Now don't worry too much about sounding perfect with your sentence construction. In fact, you could rearrange half the words you've written and you would still be writing a beautiful story. If you're really unsure of how to use a comma, or what order to put your thoughts in, just write what you think gets your message across best.

Don't be discouraged at all by any errors you make. That's the only way to learn! :rainbowkiss: If you ever need a beta reader or someone of the sort, don't hesitate to ask!

I'll end by saying again that I really do love this story, and that it's definitely one of the better fics in this fandom.

I hope I was helpful :heart:

Indeed I do tend to make a lot of typos, or I'll end up writing something that I think sounds good just to end up deleting some of it later and leaving in some stuff that doesn't make sense.:twilightblush: You were indeed very helpful Melodic, and it means a lot to me, saying it's one of the better fanfics out there. I've never been a good writer to begin, I always lived around music, but I suppose I could take a new path and start something new. Thank you guys, just loving these walls of text/walls of criticism. :pinkiesmile:

9243i know it probably dosnt matter but i got completely lost on your wall of criticism but if zev got thats cool cause i just got a headache lol:derpytongue2:

good sadfic ill admit i had to shed a manly tear for fluttershy:fluttercry:

:fluttercry:
Great story, but so sad. I literally teared up reading this.
bravo sir, bravo

Still amazes me that I managed to actually get this right. :pinkiegasp: Thank you for the comments, greatly appreciated. :twilightsmile:

MY HEEEEAAAARRRRRRT! IT BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNS!

Poor Fluttershy.

Wow. It was a great piece. Even though I prefer a flair of overdramatis, I must say well done. Your piece does truely make a fiddle out of one's heartstring. I must this did leave me with more questions though. I would really like to read what happened that caused Fluttershy's death, or maybe some more follow-up to everypony eles reactions. Then again that's just me being greedy. Anyway thanks for the wonderful story.:twilightsmile:

my heart hurts right now and I'm crying it was so beautiful and so sad. ::fluttershysad::fluttercry::raritycry:

18955

Hmm... maybe I'll consider making a side story that explains all that happened. I'll ponder on it, thanks for the idea, and you're welcome for the story. :pinkiehappy:

You killed Fluttershy!
YOU BASTARD ILL KEEL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
(good story thou few grammer issues and a couple mispelled words )

Pyros Overall grade for Words Left Unsaid by Zev/Zev's Requiem : 4/5

Zev, tell me, how could you think this wasn't very good. I really liked it, really tugged at my heart. You really should write more!

Very low opinion of myself and my work, that's how lol.

You are ready. Concept, characters, events are all go.

The only things left are execution and mechanics. This fic is ready for a brutal round of red ink editing. If you're game, either message me or drop by ponychan /fic/ Training Grounds.

poor Rainbow Dash... sniff

Wow... for your first fanfic this is really good. I had tears streaming down my face the whole time.
Other than some grammatical errors, awesome fimfic!

36316

Thank you! That means a lot to me to hear... er... read that! :twilightsmile:

I know it looks like it, but I'm not crying. It's just.... it's cold outside, y'know cold air always makes my eyes..... OKAY, so I cried! As soon as I realized whose grave they stood by, it felt like someone punched me :fluttercry: I'm serious when I say my eyes watered.

37163

Gotcha, Shade. :pinkiehappy:

Great to know still that I got the emotions down pretty good. :twilightsmile:

very good work of fiction! :pinkiecrazy:

I need a hug, I feel so derpressed after this :pinkiesad2: *ahem* AAAAAAAAA I CRIED MANY TEARS AND IT IS SO SAD WHY, AUTHER? WHY? :pinkiesad2::fluttershysad::fluttercry::applecry::raritydespair::raritycry:


IN OTHER WORDS: Gr8 fic! :pinkiehappy:

130119

:twilightblush:

I'm glad you liked it. :pinkiehappy:

Great story. :fluttercry:

I enjoyed reading every bit of it.
Thanks for a great story.

153883

You are quite welcome. It's great to hear that people enjoy this so much, still. :pinkiehappy:

:fluttercry::raritycry: WHY!? real good by the way. man this is this first the first fanfics i ever cried about. :fluttershysad:

1090383

Oh snap. I never thought I'd see another comment on this. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it and took the time to comment. Really means quite a bit to me. :pinkiehappy:

Damn here come the waterworks, :raritydespair::raritycry: :pinkiesad2::fluttercry::applecry:

5066545 I feel it's a little late to be posting any corrections on a story that's three years old. Not to mention that I feel that this was complete trash to begin with and have no intentions on doing anything further with it.

5071863
It wasn't bad. There's always reason to revisit.

5071956 I guess. I doubt it'll come anytime soon, if at all though.

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