*Please read the author's not at the bottom, please and thank you.
“So you are still awake.” Celestia said when she entered the astronomy tower to find Twilight amidst a practical fort of books. She giggled when a lavender head poked out of it.
“I got bored...” The filly said with an embarrassed grin.
“I noticed. Now, there’s something I need to talk to you about... Then I’ll have to leave for my own chambers.” Celestia said, extricating the filly from her book fort and sitting her down next to her in front of the grand fireplace. She lit it with a spark of magic and sighed in content.
“Is it something really important?” Twilight asked, apprehensive of what the princess had to say.
“Somewhat. It’s about your orphanage. Quill told me they arranged it so you would stay the night and return, pass or fail. If you passed then further discussion would commence afterwards. Quill will escort you there and take care of everything during day court and we’ll meet for lunch and go straight into your next lesson.” Celestia explained. Twilight’s mood dampened slightly and her smile fell into a line.
“But... I don’t want to go back there... Why can’t it be you who does it?” She asked after a moment.
“I could, if you really wanted me to. But the way I see it, if you do it when I’m busy then we’ll have more time together. And besides, Quill such a good friend of mine. She’s less of an assistant and more like that relative that helps you out all the time.” Celestia replied.
“Oh... Alright then... Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Twilight asked, perhaps hopeful to change the subject.
“I wasn’t planning to, but now that you mention it there is one thing. The nobility can be bigots sometimes, so if they treat you terribly just ignore them. Some of them might even try to have you thrown out if they don’t know who you are, so just stand your ground and get a royal guard’s attention. They all know you now. I made sure of that.
Your privileges are just a bit more than Quill’s when it comes to the palace and such. That’s mainly your library access though. I’d wait a few days to try and make use of some of the more high up privileges like free roam of the palace. At the very least I need to get it across to everyone that you belong here.” Celestia explained.
“But... Why would they do that? I didn’t do anything to them...” Twilight asked.
“If I knew I’d tell you. They’re just stupid like that most of the time.” Celestia replied, earning a giggle from the filly. “Well, I’m off to bed. Try and sleep, you’ll need it for tomorrow’s lesson. You are incredibly fast to learn new things so I want to test not only that, but your reserves as well.” Celestia replied.
“I’ll... I’ll try I guess. Probably not for a little bit though, I just found this really interesting passage in a book.” Twilight said, quickly going back to her fort and pulling out a book to show her.
“‘Basic magical theory’ eh? It’s a good read for the unicorns in the school for gifted unicorns. I’m glad you have an interest in it.” Celestia said. Twilight nodded enthusiastically and proceeded to get lost in the pages of said book. Celestia chuckled as she left the room. Different she may be, but Celestia genuinely enjoyed working with the filly.
---
“Well that was a rather drastic change in mood.” Quill said as she and Twilight rode in a carriage away from the palace. Celestia had seen them off and Twilight’s mood went from a giddy and happy mood to a depressing reluctance.
“I don’t like the orphanage... The only time I like being there is when I find someone who’s nice to me. They always get adopted right away though...” Twilight explained.
“Ah, I see... Well, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. The Princess gave me this special seal right here. Do you know what it meant?” Quill said, pulling what looked like a solid gold replica of Celestia’s cutie mark on it. It was small, but Twilight could almost feel how important it was. She shook her head.
“This seal pretty much says that I am acting on Celestia’s behalf and whatever I say will be treated as if the princess herself said it.” Quill finished.
“What does that mean for me, though?” Twilight asked after a moment.
“It means that no matter what I’m getting you out of there. The personal protege of the princess doesn’t deserve to live in an orphanage. She deserves the best we can offer.” Quill said with enough confidence and force to make Twilight smile again. She nudged the filly’s shoulder with her hoof, earning a giggle. Twilight seemed hesitant, but after a moment she playfully shoved back. That sparked a five minute shove war that ended with Quill upside down on the seat and Twilight on the floor of the carriage.
“You’re pretty fun for a little filly as old as you.” Quill laughed.
“I’m not that old! I only turned nine recently! You’re the one who isn’t acting your age.” Twilight giggled back. Quill froze, shocked by this.
“You’re only nine years old? I could have sworn that staff member told me you were twelve...” Quill said.
“You didn’t see my exam registration forms?” Twilight asked, now confused. Quill shook her head.
“No, she put them in an envelope and sealed it before she gave it to me. She had me take a peek at it so that I know it was there, but I never read much of the details.” She replied.
“Oh... She kept telling me to be as mature as possible when I got to the palace... Maybe we can ask her about it?” Twilight continued.
“I think we should...” Quill agreed.
“Is it a really big deal that I’m not as old as you thought I was?” Twilight asked, worried it meant something terrible.
“Well... Not really. At least not that I can think of. We can deal with that when we get there, though. There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Quill said, getting sort of serious.
“What is it?” Twilight asked. Quill seemed to think for a minute, probably on how to word her question.
“The princess told me that you didn’t really seem to react all that much when she started teaching you. It was like you accepted it all without hesitation, and you already seem pretty close. I’ve seen her take on students before, I was one of them. We were never that close with her, Only after nearly a full year of spending time with her did we get to the level of comfort you show.” Quill said.
Twilight seemed surprised by the question. She definitely wasn’t expecting something like that out of nowhere.She looked at the floor and thought for a minute or two before she spoke.
“Well... Normally... I’m not exactly the best with talking to other ponies... I’ve never been so close to another pony, I think... It’s just that... I don’t know. I saw her true self, not just the mask she puts up in public. She was upset and she was sad. Before that I was terrified of meeting her, I felt as if I would be so tiny and insignificant in comparison... But seeing her like that... I guess It made me think that she’s still just another pony... Then she was so nice to me...” Twilight explained in a sort of slow way.
“Well, I guess I can see how that would work out... But you’re quite a bit behind when it comes to getting closer to other ponies, right? I have to think there’s something else. You can’t really change who you are that easily.” Quill said.
“Who I am?... I never wanted that to be part of who I am... But there is something else. When I’m with her I get this really weird feeling... It’s strange, because I recognize it. I can’t ever remember where I know it, though. It’s this sort of feeling that tells me I’m safe. It tells me I can be me, be who I want to be. It makes me feel comfortable and at home... I don’t really know how else to describe it.” Twilight said, finishing with a sigh.
“Well that’s certainly interesting. You’ll have to meditate on it sometime and try and figure out what makes you such good friends with her. For the record, though, I haven’t seen her act so giddy and careless in my entire life; and I’ve known her since I was seven. Like when she snorted during day court yesterday. She just giggled and waved it off like it was nothing. It was hilarious, mind you, but it’s not like her to be so informal.” Quill explained.
“Really? Maybe I shouldn’t interrupt her when she’s busy anymore then...” Twilight said.
“Oh hush you, I didn’t mean to say it’s your fault. It’s good she’s letting loose a little bit. The heavens knows she needs a bit of fun. And while I’ve only known you on a level closer than just your name for the length of this carriage ride, I have no doubt in my mind you’re just a ball of fun.” Quill said, nudging the filly again. Twilight refrained from starting another shove war, but she did giggle lightly.
“A-Alright... I’ll do my best!” She exclaimed. The carriage stopped not long after that. Twilight’s mood fell again when they exited the carriage to see the large orphanage. It was one of the biggest in Canterlot and wasn’t too far away from the palace, it was very prestigious.
“Alright let’s just get this over with.” Quill breathed as she stepped towards the large old fashioned gates.
“Do you want us to stay?” The leader of the ponies drawing the carriage asked.
“Yes please, this shouldn’t take too long. I’ll buy you lunch afterwards if it does.” Quill said. The pony chuckled and nodded.
When they entered they were immediately greeted by a staff member. It was the one that Quill spoke to and arranged the exam with.
“Miss Care, was it? Before we get to business you’re going to have to tell me why you lied about her age.” Quill said. The white coated pony sighed.
“Oh, I was worried she was too young to get into that exam proper... I don’t like seeing any of the foals suffer and I knew she just doesn’t belong here. It was all I could do to help get her out.” The mare explained.
“I see. You do know that the exam can be taken as young as eight, right?” Quill said.
“Well... I didn’t know that young... I was just trying to make sure...” Care said. Twilight looked at her. Their eyes met and the mare smiled and winked. Quill thought for a moment. Normally this mare would be in a bit of trouble, but she was only trying to help Twilight. She decided to let it go.
“Alright, I guess it’s alright. There was luckily no harm done. Now, to business. The Princess herself sent us to get her out of here. If memory serves, a pony in your care is allowed to move out and into their place of education if they have proper lodgings. Am I correct?” Quill asked.
“You are.” Care replied.
“Good. Twilight here is the Princess’ new protege and she has been provided with more than proper lodgings at the palace, which technically is her place of education now. I have this as proof.” Quill said, finishing by pulling the seal out of her bag and showing it to the white mare. Care looked at it and smiled.
“Good job Twilight, I knew you were great. That’s genuine as far as I can tell, just let me go get the paperwork. I’m afraid the princess will need to sign it herself, unless it will be you caring for the filly instead of her.” Care said.
“That won’t be a problem.” Quill said. Care just nodded and quickly trotted off. Twilight looked at her strangely, though.
“What?” Quill asked.
“How are you going to get it to Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked,
“Oh it’s a rather simple spell, really. She’ll probably teach it to you eventually. When I was a foal I used to use it to bug her in the middle of day or night court, sending her little trinkets and notes.” Quill replied, giggling in remembrance. After a few minutes, Quill got bored and suggested they go pack what things she had.
Twilight’s room was rather bare. There were two beds, though one looked like it hadn’t been used in a while; name the fact that there were dozens of books stacked on top of it. Twilight was silent as she combed through the books and picked a couple out. Quill didn’t see most of it, though, as Care found them again and they talked for a bit before she gave Quill paperwork to be signed.
---
The pony from last night’s court was talking again, this time suggesting a different method of making his village rich. He was in the middle of describing a violent magical drill when a stack of papers and a letter appeared in front of Celestia.
“Oh, excuse me. Go on... I’m listening.” Celestia said. She could have sworn she heard the stallion mutter ‘yeah right’ but she chose to ignore it and him along with it. Luckily the other royals of the court had similar thoughts against this stallion, so she could zone out without fear of the stallion ruining the lives of many ponies.
‘Well I know how much you love paperwork. Twilight has a few things to talk to you about, but that can wait until lunch or your lessons. Enjoy!
-Quill’
The letter read. Celestia chuckled lightly at it and quickly looked through and filled out the paperwork. She sent it back with a flash of magic and returned her attention to the speaker.
“Sorry about that, urgent matter. Go on, you were explaining to us how much safer a drill would be?” She said.
Wow, I could almost FEEL the sarcasm in that last line
Liked. Faved. Proceed.
I really like it. Always thought they might have had a mother/daughter type relationship. Too bad the story's twist is kinda depressing.
Keep 'em coming.
YEAH!! I'M CAUGHT UP!!
crap, i'm caught up...
I really like it... MOAR!!!
I hope you keep chapters up like this, kinda nice.
What about Shiney?
Amazing! Well written for my standards, found a mistake here and there but nothing to have a fit about!
But just a question - three actually.
Are we going to find out what happened to Twilight's parents, and perhaps brother?
She didn't get to keep Spike?
and last but not least - Is Celestia's mane still solid pink?
Oooh! Pretty!
for story plot, you can go as far as you want. the main series never focused on twilight as a filly so the best thing to do is just do what you are already doing "pulling stories out of" your "ass'
if you honestly get tired of writing this story you could always wrap it up with a touching ending that would lead to the main series as where the 1st episode happens.
But storylines pulled out of peoples asses are always the best.
>finished CS.1
>wanted more
>exactly after finishing CS.1, CS.2 came out
>finished
MAKE THAT MAGIC HAPPEN AGAIN!!!
I absolutly love this.
Story line behind this would have to be just really a Daily life type story with a bit of fun action thrown in.
Let Twilight be met with a few nobles. They TRY key word is try to get her kicked out.
She meets spike of coarse and they get closer together.
Celestia definatly opens up to Twi and starts treating her as a daughter later on. \
Cadance has to show up to help foalsit twilight while day court is in session.
She meets Shiny later in life. about age 15 or 16 they become good friends.
I would love to see how it would go in the show with her being the adopted daughter of celestia. or the Secret adopted daughter anyway. She meets luna and hangs out with her Aunt.
I'm faving this just because of the picture alone
Shall start reading this once I have time!
Hmm.
I want very much to like this story. The premise is adorable, and imagining a filly Twilight adopted by the Princess and having her run of the castle is even more so.
But... something about it seems... off. Maybe it's the writing style, or the pacing... but it just isn't settling right with me.
I'm going to continue watching this story, because I want it be awesome. I hope to see great things here!
For a storyline just go through Twilights new life leading up to NIghtmare Moon, and where the hell is spike
Fun stuff, and filly Twi is appropriately adorable.
I, of course, would enjoy seeing more of any of the known cast that was a part of her childhood... Spike, Cadance, Shining Armor, etc. Blueblood would certainly be fun to meet. The show has mostly shown her to have a good relationship with the palace guard, so it would be entertaining to see that develop.
If you want to take a dramatic direction, there are plenty of fears that come from raising a child... Illnesses, major accidents, lost or otherwise missing children. Being attached to someone so young opens up a whole new vulnerability for an adult. It being the palace, there's plentry of opportunity for political intrigue as well... From minor attempts to use Twilight to curry favor to more sinister attempts to use Twilight to get at Celestia. (From Twilight's early general disdain for making friends to her distraught reactions at efforts to charm the extra gala ticket out of her, I figure she likely was the target of a few false friends growing up who just wanted closer to the princess.). Then there's the press and their possible reaction to the implications of Celestia adopting a possible heir, and the nobles reaction to that. And of course, you could always play with the fact that orphans who suddenly find fame and fortune quickly discover family coming out of the woodwork... There was an in-episode mention of a "Favorite uncle" of Shining's, for instance.
But really, what I most hope to see is that Smarty Pants was among the personal items retrieved from the Orphanage, or will otherwise be entering the story. Regardless, though, I suspect I'll enjoy this one no matter where you go with it. It has plenty of charm!
2574869 And shining armor! He would have been born before her, no matter what happened to her parents!
Its a nice premise but I find the execution lacking. Its a little better than bland at best and contradictory at worst. Twilight hates the orphanage because...reasons, yet has a caretaker who apparently cares enough to recognize her talents, taker her to the royal library, and lie(unnecessarily) to get her into an exam.
Quill doesn't seem to have much personality besides "sassy" and for all her screen time she just falls flat.
I know this is a dick move, but if you guys really enjoy this story, just go read Night's Favoured Child and have your mind blown.
2574906 This is AU, shining didn't have to exist
I'm trying to think what helpful criticism I can offer.... All I can think of besides some insignificant spelling errors is if people are saying your pacing is Wierd you could try dragging out scenes a bit more add Internal monologue maybe as to why they may come to certain conclusions or add in more facial details like " celestia scrunched her face up in concern when she heard blah blah blah " but as far as I am concerned your doing a great job p.s I find. That the best inspiration comes when you just wing it
2574722
He doesn't have to be involved in every story, you know. We wrote thousands of fanfics before the staff even made him up.
2574946
I realize this. Which is why my internal explanation for his absence is that he is either in guard training already, or died in whatever accident that killed Twi's parents... Though that thought just makes me sad.
2574924
While I mostly agree that this could use a good deal of polishing with the capitalization, spelling errors, misplaced pronouns, lack of detail, characterization and fast pacing... at the same time not every story needs to be a polished diamond. Just needs to get itself across and be entertaining to the people who find it entertaining.
Also yes, it is a very dick move to tell people to go read a story that's already very popular in the comments of a story struggling to get by. Plus, fuck the Luna-fanatics. Celestia being Twilight's mom was around long before they got involved with Twi's parentage. >_>
Personally, I think the original Sonic Rainboom-induced exam surge would've had even more heartwarming results, not to mention less potential for plot holes in the long run. Think about it- if she didn't do the Rainboom then, then the others wouldn't have gotten their cutie marks. Sure, they would've gotten them eventually, but they wouldn't have been the same. Dash's talent is the Rainboom, so she's gonna have to pull it off eventually unless she dies first, and the Rainboom is a big event- very visible (and audible). And if the other five Main 6 are different, it's not likely they'll all be in Ponyville when Nightmare Moon shows up there.
Of course, this is your story, and this is merely my opinion. Just something to think about.
Also, a few typos in the first few paragraphs of Chapter 2, such as referring to Celestia as "he".
Easy way to fix the missed capitols and what not;
Go to the Proofreaders group and get one of them to be your editor
Ah ya this is awesome. Keep it up a fast updated story is what I'm looking for. But damn if this isn't the best one I have read in a while. Love the mommy Celestia. There needs to be more of this. Have a fave and a thumbs up.
Nice story! I look forward to seeing more.
I would like to see Shining Armor and Princess Cadence come into this. Shining Armor should not be her borther but someone she looks up to like a brother. Great story I think that it is coming togeather nicly. Thanks Keep up the good work.
Yeah I have to agree with others saying Shining Armor needs to be adressed. If he didn't somehow either die or get "lost" or whatever happened along with his parents, I'd almost have to think he may have become a bit of a delinquent, getting in trouble and maybe joining the Guard due to laws dealing with young hooligans. Culd be he runs into his sister running from the law, gets caught, and if Twilight recognises him or not, if she finds out he's her brother she might urge him to reform and he joins the guard because of her and becomes a hero more like his is in the show. That might be a great way to strengthen their bonds. Cadence though I don't know how you'd include her.
Anyway I'd personally end the story with Twilight going off to Ponyville to prepare the Summer Sun Celebration, finally well prepared to meet the new challenges despite the rough start her life had
I really like the concept and the way the plot is going but I think you need to work on your dialogue a bit. None of the characters really have their own voice and it all feels like any character could say any line and fit.
I like the concept, but the execution feels a little rushed. A few improvements and this thing will be fantastic.
2574588 Feel it? I heard it roaring off of her tone like Niagra Falls...
Good story so far. I can't wait for the moment Twilight calls Celestia 'mommy'. That is going to be so utterly adorable.
the foreboding of how Twilight become an orphan could be a nice touch and a major point of the story, a tragic accident, a conspiracy against the house of Sparkles an old royal bloodline with close ties to Celestia herself, an ancient prophecy about the stars reforming Nightmare Moon and a cult of followers tracing it down to poor Twilight and his parents dying protecting her, there is so many things that you can do on the story, i would love to help with ideas since i love the premise
the introduction of Spike should be a major point in the story, there are different ways you can approach it, one of them being that Twilight keeps getting the feeling of a family but don't recognize it, however Celestia or Quill noticed it, yata yata stuff happens and Twilight gets to take care of Spike, she struggles, fails, and ends realizing with the help of Celestia and Quill what being in a family is, as you said if you don't have "much" (or if you have anything ) planned you could leave spike for later on in the story when she grows up a little, or shove Spike early in the story, ooooooooor, you could have Twilight being jealous of Spike getting all the attention of Celestia for himself, she does something that she shouldn't, using her magic for "evil", she is found out before anything really bad happens, Twilight runs from the castle and goes to the place where she lost his parents, Celestia founds her, if it was an accident she could be in the place that it happened, you could put Twilight with an internal struggle because she thinks that she caused the accident, i guess the conspiracy and the assassination attempt could work here too, she would be all like "they shouldn't have saved i´m a bad pony" (have i mentioned that Twilight getting her memory back little by little also seems like and important point in the story, like she remembers the smell of a food her mother would do, a certain aroma for the laundry or that of one particular soap, and those memories bring back more of that feeling and others that she can´t understand) that would be the cue for a heart warming and soul melting moment with Celestia
one question, have you considered the time lapse in the story, like having Twilight slowly grow at the side of the princess, or time skips to years later every other chapter, you know this could develop into an entire alternate universe where Twilight becomes more friendly open, and when the return of Nightmare Moon comes, she already has friends, which become the new elements of harmony and a new FIM located in Canterlot
oh and Twilight is still sounding so much more mature than she should be, but hey, she reads a lot, that indeed affects children and his behavior
P.S. sorry for the long comment if you liked how my twisted mind works pm me for more ideas or stuff i would love to help
oh oh i just thought of this, Shinning could be her long lost brother that she doesn't remember, and suddenly gets back to Canterlot in order to reclaim the position of the Sparkle family, oh oh the possibilities with this story
Twilight sure got privileges fast, restricted part of the library, full run of the castle, guards who know her, all in the first 12 hours of being Celestia's student. It just seems a little too fast. Slow the pace down, try and think what you would allow a young 9 year old to do.
I think it was Night Court.
I just thought I'd mention that I find the constant "What ifs" in the synopsis box boring, repetitive and unimagantive. I'm still going to read this, because 400+ people and a feature box slot can't be wrong (touch wood), but if this fic didn't have that many likes, I probably wouldn't read it based of my inital impresion of the synopsis.
Ain't read it yet, and I'm about to, just thought I'd say that this is weird, as I wrote the first chapter of the exact same story basically on Sunday
But I read over mine and it was crap, plus I only write to produce a concept I want to see, and considering It's right here in front of me. Thank you! Now, I read!
2574522 i do do that. you forget, twilight is incredibly intelligent
2574789 i've already got most of that in my head
2574924 i really don't appreciate you doing that... and people have even suggested i go into that before. it's going to be a gradual thing. if you don't like it don't read it.
2574943 that last part, it's the story of my life lol
Ok brothers, Let us sadly get this started
You sire need an editor and pre-readers, I would suggest advertising for some
gamesprays.com/files/resource_media/preview/mlp-twilight-book-fort-6007_preview.jpg
Ouch.
2575616 Sorry but I agree with "Reality Check" and not just on Twi's dialog. Yes you're portraying Celestia as being more... carefree than usual, but you've gone beyond that. She's... not talking like normal. I have no issues with her "private time" speech pattern, but her public one is off.
Added to my Read Later, and you may be sick of hearing this but.... You should get pre-readers and such. I love it story, but my inner Grammar Nazi is screaming at the screen
<3 Wonderful story, would love to pre-read for you, but that is up to your discretion.
2575666 hey, remember when I said don't point out the little things like that?
proofreaders and stuff like that don't work for me. I either write to much or too randomly for them.
2575760 But we really haven't seen her speak publicly at all... only to Twilight or Quill...
2575891 grammar mistakes might be because I normally write either in school or really late at night and my mind derps, but spelling mistakes are because I type fast and my keyboard derps sometimes and if Gdocs doesn't tell me it's wrong then I normally don't notice it. There's nothing story breaking so I'm not too worried
I would think a significant moment would be the first time Twilight has bad dream she can't handle in her new home. Twilight acts very mature because she's smart but the fear a child feels during a nightmare really shows their age, and she would seek her mother's protection on instinct, A possible change to the main story might be how significant Twilight's knowledge of Luna would be, Celestia might share with Twi the truth behind Nightmare Moon and her own age, as during the series opener she didn't realize Celestia and Luna where sisters, implying Twilight didn't know Celestia was thousands of years old. I agree with Harwick that there is a lot of potential conflict just when it comes to normal child care issues. Another point is, what of Shining Armor and Cadance? Did Shining and Twilight get separated when they where orphaned? Will they be reunited and if so how will Celestia handle it, would she adopt him too? The book that reviled Cadance's origins was very vague on them, she ascended as Twilight did then was retrieved from the astral plain by Celestia and adopted into the royal family. When it happened is left vague. So in this story universe did she already do it, and if she hasn't will Celestia adopted Cadance as her niece or as a daughter? Cadance and Twi have a significant relationship in cannon, how would being sisters via adoption change that?
2575939 but we've seen her speaking in front of nobles, I know what you're doing and why (and mostly agree)... but as a reader it's not coming across
I like you, anyways, I always loved having the mother-daughter relationship that Twilight and Celestia have. I think there should be moments when they both share sweet moments. Like Twilight, sneaking out after she was supposed to be asleep, just to grab some cake from her birthday party, she spots a large, very identifiable, alicorn-like figure, with chocolate on her coat. Then they both share a few more pieces... That would be nice..