Chapter 4 (Best Laid Plans)
Chapter 4
The shadows cast by the nearby trees were beginning to lengthen when Allen decided to take a short rest, and to stretch his legs after having been in the saddle for a while.
Hopping down from Reuben, he gave a happy groan as he stretched his arms wide, feeling several satisfying pops in his back.
Sighing in relief, Allen looked around at the seemingly endless rows of trees which stretched off for as far as the eye could see, with not a soul in sight as far as he could tell. However, unbeknownst to Allen, he was not alone.
Standing just a few yards away, concealed from Allen’s view by a magical illusionary barrier of apple trees, four royal guard unicorns tensely watched Allen as he rested.
One of them, a recent recruit, going by the name of Comet Tail, nervously shifted from hoof to hoof.
“Why doesn’t it move on?” he anxiously whispered.
“Quiet,” growled his companion, a stout and tough looking unicorn by the name of Flare Shot.
Comet just whimpered and wished with all his heart that the freaky looking biped and its pony-esque mount would move on already. Sadly for him, the creature didn’t appear to be in a hurry to move on at the moment.
“W-why can’t the rest of the platoon just hurry up and get here already?”
“Comet, I swear to Epona that if I hear one more peep out of your muzzle, I will personally launch your sorry flank into the sun!” replied Flare Shot harshly, his patience rapidly running out.
“B-but, s-sarge! L-look at it! It’s completely hideous! And look what it did to that poor pony!” continued Comet, oblivious in his rising panic, of the hole that he was quickly digging himself into.
Whirring around, Flare grabbed the gibbering Comet by the front of his cuirass with his magic, and yanking him till they were muzzle to muzzle, said quietly, “If you screw this up and give our position away, not even your father will be enough to save your sorry hide, do I make myself clear?”
Comet opened his mouth to reply, but a strained whisper cut him off.
“S-sarge, I-I’m h-having trouble keeping t-the spell g-going!”
Giving one last piercing glare into the terrified eyes of Comet, Flare Shot released him, letting him crumple to the ground in a sad looking pile of shivering pony flesh.
Turning his attention to the source of the voice, he found a worrying sight. The unicorn that had been tasked with crafting, and maintaining the illusionary spell was beginning to show signs of severe strain.
Quickly trotting up to him, Flare Shot could see the sweat pouring off the poor stallion as his horn burned bright with energy and his legs trembled slightly from the strain.
Placing a steadying hoof on the guards shoulder, Flare Shot said softly, “You’re doing good son, keep it up.”
“I-I d-don’t know if I c-can for...much...longer!” came his strained reply.
Biting his lower lip, Flare Shot quickly ran over his options, such as they were, as Lieutenant Palisade’s plan hadn’t allowed for the chance that the creature would stop right in front of the illusionary barrier that guarded the entrance to a nearby farm.
What had been intended was that the Equestrians were to use the road as a way to funnel the creature to a point where they could easily surround it, and contain it if needed. This should have been a fairly straight forward goal as the road that the creature was following didn’t connect to any other roads before it hit the outskirts of Ponyville.
Moreover, with apple trees on either side of the road, which would make any sort of quick escape difficult for the creature and its much larger mount. In addition, the trees would provide excellent concealment for Palisade’s ponies to work around its sides and rear, trapping it when it ran into Palisade’s blocking force near the schoolhouse.
All in all, a solid plan, in theory. However, the farm that they were guarding, Sweet Apple Acres, home of the Apple Clan, considered one of the largest apple orchards in Equestria, and makers of excellent apple made products. It, in addition to being the only orchard in the entirety of Equestria to possess Zap Apple trees, had to also be located on the very same road that the creature was currently traveling on.
Thus the guard had taken measures to conceal the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres by use of an illusion spell that would disguise the entrance as nothing more than another section of orchard.
Unfortunately, time had not been on their side and they had been forced to cut corners when constructing the illusionary spell. In addition, thanks in large part to Discord’s recent shenanigans across Equestria, not just in nearby Canterlot and Ponyville, the guard was stretched thin dealing with the aftermath.
Moreover, Discord had thought it would be funny to randomly teleport guards around for his amusement, making it rather difficult to get units organized on short notice.
Thus, the guard detachment currently in Ponyville found itself thoroughly mixed up, with guards from no less than four separate towns and cities, and with many of them either fresh out of training or still in training.
What’s worse, there was only one unicorn guard in the entire platoon who was rated for illusionary spell casting, and he was fresh out of basic training.
Leaning in close, Flare Shot whispered encouraging words in the struggling guard’s ear, hoping that that would be enough to keep him going. If he could have, he would’ve been adding his own mana to the spell as well, but that kind of thing was not something that could done in the middle of a spell as the different auras would cause the spell to shake itself apart.
What’s more, the fact that the illusion had to cover the entirety of the front entrance of the farm, as well as blend in seamlessly with the surrounding area, required a significant amount of mana. Mana that the guard powering the spell was quickly running out of, encouraging words or not, and since it did not appear as if the creature was planning on moving on anytime soon, it was only a matter of time before they were discovered.
Allen meanwhile, gave another large stretch, before then turning and giving Reuben an affectionate pat on the neck. “I bet that feels nice finally having me off your back for a little bit, huh boy?” said Allen with a small smile.
Reuben quietly nickered and gave Allen a gentle shove with his muzzle, an indication that he wanted Allen to continue petting him.
Chuckling to himself, Allen resumed petting Reuben’s neck. “Hehe, yeah okay, I get it, you want me to keep going. I swear, you are so needy some...times...” he said as he suddenly trailed off, eyes narrowing in confusion at a point a few feet further up the road.
Ceasing his petting, much to Reuben’s displeasure, Allen, the reins held loosely in his left hand, strode slowly forward to the aforementioned spot. Squatting down to get a closer look he studied the section of road intently.
Strange, he thought to himself as he glanced around, why would the cart trail suddenly turn into a dirt road in the middle of nowhere? Could we be getting close to a town? Looking up, he peered down the road for as far as he could, but all he saw were more trees to either side, and no signs of civilization.
Idly rubbing his chin with his right hand, Allen suddenly heard...something behind and to his right that sounded suspiciously like a muffled scream. Standing up quickly, he turned around in the general direction of the sound. Apparently, Reuben had heard it too as he gave a low, nervous nicker while shying away from the source of the noise.
“What the hell is going on around here?” muttered Allen to himself as he instinctively tightened his grip on the reins. Feeling that perhaps it was best to move on, Allen moved closer, and swung a leg into the saddle’s stirrups in preparation for resuming his journey.
Meanwhile, the situation had not improved for Flare Shot. His illusionist was rapidly running out of stamina and Comet had not calmed down in the least, in fact, he’d become even more scared in the meantime. To make matters worse, the creature had become suspicious after having noticed the road change in front of it. Moreover, something seemed to have spooked it as it had whirled around to face the direction that it had come, its mount also showing signs of nervousness.
Biting his bottom lip nearly hard enough to break the skin, Flare Shot tried to find a solution in order to salvage the rapidly deteriorating situation. Unfortunately, he didn’t find one in time.
Several things happened at once that brought the whole ordeal to its inevitable climax. The first being that Flare Shot’s illusionist finally ran out of juice, as panting and wheezing, and his horn glow waning, the poor stallion collapsed to the ground in a heap. His illusion wavered for a moment, as if it were a piece of cloth caught in a breeze before it disappeared into thin air, leaving the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres fully exposed.
The second thing that happened was that Comet, now finding that he and the rest of the squad were fully exposed, panicked, and fired a white flare into the sky before turning tail and running like Discord himself was after him.
The third thing that happened was that the source of the noise that had caught Allen’s attention earlier, finally showed itself in the form of a guardsmare bursting from a nearby bush screaming incoherently about giant spiders.
It would later turn out during an investigation, that the mare in question, a Private Daffodil, had an extreme phobia of spiders, and that just moments before the illusion failed, a rather large one from the nearby Everfree had decided that she would make a nice friend, and had proceeded to introduce itself by dropping down from above and landing on her face.
Daffodil took immediate exception to the spider’s presence and attempted to voice her displeasure in the form of a scream. Seeing that Daffodil about to give their position away, her partner, a pegasus, jumped on her and pinned her to the ground, before then shoving a hoof in her mouth in an attempt to silence her.
Unfortunately, the spider was still firmly attached to Daffodil’s face, and her terror proved to be more than a match for her compatriot’s strength, as she managed to break free and run away screaming. She would later be found almost catatonic, the spider, still on her face, near one of Sweet Apple Acres barns.
For their part, the rest of the platoon stayed in cover for a few extra seconds, as if trying to process what had happened. However, they quickly realized that, with their cover blown, and the plan compromised, that they needed to do something to prevent the creature from attempting escape.
This was why they all charged out of cover at nearly the same time, trying to take up a blocking position across the road behind Allen. Which would have worked better had they not been spread out along the roadside and had been closer together.
However, because of the need to keep down noise and their lack of experience working outside of the city, they had been forced to keep themselves dispersed lest they trip over each other and give their position away.
The end result was that, because their cover was blown before they arrived at the predetermined spot, they were struggling to get everyone close enough together to form a proper blockade, and this was leaving holes in their lines.
Allen meanwhile, unable to fully comprehend what he was seeing, sat with a dumbfounded expression in the saddle, his arms hanging limply at his sides, while his brain tried to make sense of what he was seeing.
They’re...ponies? In Roman legion armor? What. The. Fuck. Over?
While Allen was trying to reboot his brain, Reuben's was firing on all cylinders, and it was telling him was that it was well past time to, “get yo ass home son”.
So that is precisely what he did. As the ponies struggled to get into position, Reuben took off as if he were a racehorse at the Belmont.
Meanwhile, Flare Shot was cursing his luck as he watched the whole plan fall apart right before his eyes. As the larger equine and its rider, who now appeared to be screaming at the top of its lungs, tore off back the way they had come. He could only watch in helplessness as the beast bore down upon the still forming blocking force with no intention of stopping.
For Allen, the fact that he wasn’t prepared for Reuben to take off like a rocket, left him struggling to just stay in the saddle, let alone bring his obviously panicking animal back under control.
However, even if Allen wasn’t trying to just merely remain in the saddle and had the time to try and bring his mount under control, Reuben wouldn’t have let him, as he was determined to thread himself through the holes left in the Equestrians lines and get home.
Which is precisely what he did, though credit where credit is due, the guards did try and stop him, but when you have an animal that is nearly three times as big, barreling down on you at around twenty miles per hour, and you’re by yourself, you’d get out of the way too.
Flare Shot watched in disbelief as Reuben literally tore through the Equestrian lines like a knife through wet tissue paper. Any place that he met resistance, and he couldn’t find a big enough opening, he simply jumped over, clearing their heads by inches and scattering the ponies as they dove for cover. It was over in less than a minute, from the moment the illusion spell failed to the moment when the creature and its mount escaped.
Gritting his teeth in frustration at their failure, Flare Shot threw his head back and launched a green flare into the sky to alert his superior of the creature’s escape, before then turning to the nearest pony and barking out orders in an attempt to salvage the situation.
“You two,” he yelled, pointing at a pair of nearby pegasi, “get up there and follow it, and get as many of the others to go with you as you can while you’re at it!” The two gave him a shaky salute and took off.
Whirling around, he opened his mouth when the sound of approaching wing beats cut him off. Turning toward the direction, he spotted both rangers coming in for a landing.
“I thought you rangers were supposed to be quiet?” he said testily.
Ash gave a wing shrug. “We can be as loud or as quiet as the situation requires, in this case we were able to get your attention faster by being loud.”
Flare Shot gave an irritated grunt and snapped. “Well what are you standing around for then?! Get your flanks in the air and follow that creature with the others!”
The two glanced silently at each other for a moment, as if exchanging a mental conversation before Soft Wind took off, this time quietly, much to Flare Shots mounting irritation.
Opening his mouth to see why the other ranger hadn’t left yet, he was cut off by Ash’s raised wing. “I’m staying behind to leave a report with the Lieutenant about this debacle. By the way, I saw your wayward guard hightailing it back to Ponyville on the way over, might want to send somepony to fetch him,” finished Ash, a small smirk on his lips.
When I get my hooves on you Comet...
~oOo~
Reuben, blowing hard and with foam falling from his mouth, tiredly walked over the threshold between Allen’s farm and the surrounding countryside. Allen meanwhile was just as tired, as the boost of adrenaline from the mad dash that Reuben had made home had worn off, and left him feeling spent.
Glancing back the way they had come, Allen spotted a glint of metal in the fading afternoon light, as one of the winged ponies that had chased him and Reuben home ducked behind a cloud.
Allen felt a rush of nervousness course through his system as thoughts of being plucked from the saddle by one of those winged ponies, taken high into the sky, before then being dropped, and dashed to pieces on the ground filled his mind.
Shivering at the terrifying thought, Allen gave his tired mount a gentle kick with his heels, hurrying him along in an attempt to get undercover as quickly as possible.
Angling Reuben towards the barn, Allen guided him in before dismounting, taking his saddle and bridle off, and quickly, but thoroughly brushing him down before putting him back in his stall for the night.
Shutting and locking the stall door behind him, Allen quickly locked up the barn and fed the animals in record time, as he wanted to spend as little time outside as possible, and he just couldn’t bring himself to let his charges go hungry no matter how scared he currently felt.
Though that did not mean he went unarmed, a three foot piece of slightly rusty angle iron served as a makeshift sword in case any of those strange, alien ponies felt the need to show up and cause trouble; even though he doubted that it would do him much good in a straight up fight with them, it at least made him feel a little better.
After filling up the last of the animal’s water buckets, and silently patting himself on the back for having the foresight to fill up a couple of unused water troughs before he had left that morning. Allen cautiously poked his head out the service door, checking to see if the coast was clear.
Spotting nothing, he made a dash for the garage, his makeshift sword clutched tightly in his grip, head on a constant swivel for any signs of trouble.
Reaching the door, Allen all but burst through it, slamming and locking the door behind him. Carefully, so as to not trip and fall in the dim confines of the garage, he threaded his way through to the back door and eased it open before then slipping inside.
Shutting and locking that door as well, he proceeded to carefully rush through the house, shutting and locking doors and windows before then retreating to his room and locking himself inside.
Leaning his back up against the door, he slid down till his rear hit the floor, his hands still gripping the piece of angle iron tightly as he stared out the nearby window.
A sudden shadow flitting across the moonbeam on the floor in front of him caused him to tense up, and the sound of an owl hooting outside did nothing to help his fraying nerves.
It was at this point that Allen realized that he would not be getting any sleep that night.
Well, here is the next chapter.
Man did I hate writing this chapter. Re-wrote it at least twice, and it still looks like garbage. Even Bon Bon thinks it sucks, don't believe me? Just ask her!
"Bon Bon, how was the chapter?"
So yeah, sorry that the chapter couldn't have been better, but I just couldn't think of a better way to write it and it was driving me up a wall. Hopefully the next one won't suck as bad as this one did.
Cheers.
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Aw, don't be so hard on yourself. Things went pear-shaped as best as they could, very plausibly so. I particularly liked that the one who broke the first stalemate was the non-sapient animal, and nobody could do a thing about it.
Now Allen is scared and skittish inside his home, sees armored ponies as very likely deadly threats from his assessment of Soft Wind (or one of the two Guard pegasi) is any indication, and Flare Shot has a loooooong report to file. And Comet's screwed. This situation is gonna take WORK to salvage, and I have a feeling Allen won't like at all to be around anything with wings for a good while.
YAY! New chapter. let see.
Since when pony like to say F words?
Boot camp.
6301239 Yeah, this chapter is actually pretty good. I think we all have times when we think something is awful, but other people confirm it otherwise.
6301301 Personally I find it realistic in this story. The idea of pony swear words that people come up with is, in my opinion, ridiculous and is an attempt to fit a real-life swear into a story without actually saying it, conveying the idea but not the actuality.
And I doubt Comet is going to get nay sleep either, come to that.
6301301 Since I dislike using ponified swear words in my story.
Good to see you returning to this. Eager to see more.:D
I wonder if he could try using some common sense in a world gone insane (to his POV) when the ponies come knocking, and they will. Tell them that they're trespassing on private property and to get off his land. Might actually work... for a minute or two.
I liked this chapter, thumbs up
have to say, not impressed by the guards' actions so far, things would probably end better if they just let the two rangers and twilight handle things from there, but that probably wouldn't happen because of pride or something. Also the stallion commander that was telling twilight to do as he says can take his helmet and shove it so far up his plot his head will be the helmet (sorry for sounding harsh), does he need reminding that not only is she an element of harmony, but also a supremely powerful, if not the most powerful, unicorn to live and is also tutored by Celestia herself. so yeah she may not have military discipline, but she has something much more advantageous, situational adaptability and an open mind. So yeah, not liking this version of the guard commanders so far, though the rangers seem interesting.. Im hoping twilight can calm things in the next chapter.
6301401
I dislike using ponified curses as well, but human curses seem out of place in Equestria.
I prefer to stick to the kid-friendly swears that were already used in the show. IE: "horsefeathers, oh my gosh, what the heck, screw this up..."
6301667 I can understand your point of view in regards to Lt. Palisades initial reaction, but keep in mind that even though Twilight is both an element of harmony, and the personal student of Celestia, she is still primarily a civilian. Moreover, in the show (at least at this point in time) the guard is constantly shown has having either little to no idea of who she is, the Canterlot Wedding episode being a good example.
There is also the fact that Discord has only recently been put back in time out and that Palisade is dealing with a great deal of stress right now, and the last thing he needs/wants is some civilian getting in his way and causing him headaches. While you and I know that Twilight is more than able to handle herself in a fight, Palisade doesn't and his main responsibility is to his ponies, even though many of them aren't from his original unit but are from others that got scattered across Equestria during Discords rampage and just happened to be close by when they were gathered together for this assignment.
Honestly, if this had been real life, Palisade would have probably told Twilight to stay home and to let him and his ponies handle things. After all, if things went south, it would be better to lose some guards rather than somepony important like Twilight right off the bat.
6301687 There I changed the word from "fuck" to "screw", you guys happy now? (Not changing Allen's language though)
6301301
6301799
Uh... Okay?
6301839 Look, sorry if I sound snappy, but I've had a rather poor day today, and I don't like it when people try and tell me what words to use, (no matter how polite they phrase it). Makes it feel as if they are trying to politely censor me, and that really bugs me.
Wow, that was a Grade-A quality cock-up there. I approve!
Also, in my headcanon, the pony equivalent of "fuck" is "rut". "Buck" is a more mild version.
brilliant as usuao
Yay! New chapter!
6301239
I just realized that the paranoia may bone any attempts at first contact.
Good observation.
6302082 If the pony military try to treat this as your everyday incursion for creature apprehension, it's gonna backfire BADLY now. Paranoia makes you extra wary and bitterly defensive.
It's all on the plated horses to be diplomatic.
6302128
For the ponies sake, I hope that his parents bought an actual gun safe that can't be jimmied.
6301897
I can get that.
I will laugh so hard if the ponies attempt people diplomacy, only to have Reuben attempt pet diplomacy.
I'm just assuming horses are like cats and dogs when it comes to saying, "Hello."
not sure what Bon Bons talkin bout. Chapter was nice and amusing
I think that Bon-bon is being too harsh on you. Okay, so it isn't a spectacular sparkling fireworks display of a chapter but they can't all be like that. You achieved what I suspect what was your objective of the chapter: introduce Allen to the locals in such a way that demonstrates to him that they aren't just local feral or escaped domestic ponies. Would I have done it that way? No, but it was a fair handling of the idea in my view.
Personally, I wouldn't have had a whole chapter specifically on this thread but rather have it as the first half of the "I'm not in Kansas anymore" realisation chapter. However, your story, your rules and certainly your ideas.
It's good enough that I keep wanting to read the next chapter as soon as possible!
6302128
It will be interesting to see Allen's reaction if he awakes next morning to find a moderately-camouflaged but wholely apparent cordon force around the house (say, about company strength with air support peeking out of curiously low-altitude and stationary clouds and maybe one or two heavy weapons like ballistas poking out of bushes and covering the main track out of the farm). Not "we are going to kill you" but "we are in charge and if you try to do more than we are ready to allow, we will mess up your day".
That's the point when the Elements of Harmony (specifically a very nervous Fluttershy and a geeking-out Twilight Sparkle) get into the mix.
6301479
He has no particular reason to be sure that the very obviously military aliens around him are not existential threats. A strong fight-or-flight response, although ridiculous from our "god's eye" perspective, would be entirely understandable. Fortunately, if there are sane heads at battalion HQ, they'll settle for setting up a cordon around the farm and wait until Allen is over his initial fear to the point that he wants to reconnoitre his well-armed, well-positioned but not obviously aggressive new neighbours again.
Food is the universal foundation of diplomacy in first-contact situations. Maybe they should very obviously set up their camp kitchen in plain view of the house and wait for the smell of that delicious multi-hay and root vegetable soup to lure him out?
6301715 I just have the feeling that If a previously unknown species or creation of discord just popped up, twilight would have sent a letter to Celestia to notify her, I mean why not? Anyway I just don't want to see the competence of already existing characters to be put on the back burner just to let other new characters show of, I know we are still early into the story, but remember what the reactions of the other element bearers would be.
Half would likely disobey the guards while the other half would happily obey them, just remember to try and keep things true to pre existing personalities, I feel it adds a bit of uncertainty and full of potential surprises that you can capitalise on, who knows it might help chapters along if your no sure how things would turn out. Lastily might I suggest giving a few of the low level guards some 'fleshing out' so to speak? For instance, what was that about comet and his dad, some sort of military family pushing the foals into the same practice, or a political head that's trying to push his son through the ranks through unsavoury means. Reintroduce the mare that was scared of spiders and have her as an escort for Allan when things eventually settle down, she can have flashback moments of the spider, and if handled correctly, could lead to awkward and slightly comical situations. This story has potential, there is no doubt about that, but just remember to not force the story along, if little things have to happen because: rainbow dash caught word of "another monster" skulking around town, you can imagine what she is going to do easily, or if pinkie heard that it might be a new species instead of monster, then out comes the party cannons. Sorry for the long post, but I hope it helps.
6301687
It's kind of weird, when you think about it. Whatever colloquialisms you have the ponies use, ultimately, you're just shying away from the fact that they're using cuss words - their own cuss words but cuss words nonetheless. More importantly, in the event of a 'universal translation' spell, 'fuck' would come out as 'fuck', no matter what term the ponies own language had for it.
Ultimately, I think it's our own squeamishness about language that leads to the various pony-cuss words. It's such a cute show that it's hard to imagine the characters using strong language (with the exception of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, who I have no difficulty imagining using cuss words at all).
6301388 Um...well, Then just sleep.
6302228 Agreed.
6301799 Thank you, now it back to friendly humor. not like adult humor.
6303367 Almost no attention is paid to the language problem. If your character is going to a world that is decidedly not Earth, how can he/she speak the language once he/she gets there?
Sometimes the explanation comes out as even more a contrivance than no explanation would be (like the ones where the character is "really the pony of the other world" and "just knows" the language when he/she gets there), but most of the time the author could at least mention it. This is especially pertinent if they've taken the time and trouble to develop languages for that world. Why note carefully that your fantasyland characters are not speaking English, and then have the modern English-speaker fit in with
Probably the best way to deal with this problem, other than having the character arrive lonely and miserable and have to deal with learning the language, is to embed something in the transition that explains it. Hans "translates" Eques to the land of Equestria through some kind a magic, and the main philosophical conflict in Equestria is over whether the Images in cartoons are real or not. If he/she is real, then he/she was changed in the translation to fit the land of Equestria, which has happened to other translated people. If he/she's not, then he/her creator (Writer) made her able to speak the language anyway. It explains it neatly.not even a mention of the language being different to he/her?
6303377
... Why is the idea that Ponies speak the same language as us less believable than Talking Magical Horses who have a civilisation?
That seems like just adding an extra problem that could disappear as easily as it was written in and just adds early chapter filler drama to a story, unless you spend a story arc on it or something.
6303472 I know right?
6303738 Yes that is true, but after that first flush, the basin will be empty, and then you will need to do one of two things, either get electricity back, or manually refill the basin.
6304257 The description given to Twilight indicated that Allen was a biped, only that it looked like a Minotaur fused with a Saddle Arabian. No mention of it being biped.
6303367
I don't have any problem with the ponies cussing. I mean, fuck's sake, I curse like a goddamn sailor having his balls tortured in the fiery pits of motherfucking hell.
My issue with it is the kinds of curse words they use. The show has demonstrated that ponies don't use the same curses as humans, so when I see a fanfic where they do, it always looks out of place.
6304713 Well hey, I think something with Murica. Sometime, I read on fanfiction, 70 - 75% fiction about naruto using word like. What the fuck and Fuck you - Holy shit, but in Japanese and naruto manga. they don't. i don't know why america teenage love using Harem - sex - incest - pedo - Fuck stuff.
6304418 AH, okay.
6303245
He's gonna freak the fuck out, pure and simple. Doesn't matter at all that they're not pointing his way, that mobilization can EFFORTLESSLY be misconstrued by a paranoid wreck as the preparations to an invasion... or an eradication by artillery with a Shock And Awe philosophy.
Even because Allen has no reason whatsoever to think that the company wouldn't fire at him sooner or later, and that they might just be waiting for the extra ammo supply.
6308912 Yeah...let's not have Allen freak the fuck out.
6309028 Let's hope that's what the Equestrian military are thinking.
6309040 Well, hopefully more...academic and politically minded heads will show up in the next chapter?
Yep. The chapter was actually pretty good. I found everything to be quite believable - and even quite exciting.
6309510 That's very much welcome. If you want to chat with a visitor to your house, you yank the attack dog back and chain it somewhere that it won't bark. The military don't do diplomacy.
That and I'm itching to see good Blueblood again!
No matter how i look at it, this guy has no idea how horses work nor how to take care of them.
What kind of farmer...kid or not...doesn't own any type of gun.
I haven't quite caught up with the story yet, but I wanted to make a few observations.
First, I want to say that I really like the content of the story. It's a great story at this point and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.
I do think the execution needs work though. It takes a lot of effort for me to keep my attention on the story. There are two reasons that stand out to me for that.
The first is that all the characters are speaking to the reader. The dialog feels unnatural, like it's only an excuse to tell the reader something, and not an actual dialog between two characters. If you restrict what the characters say to what would be spoken naturally, it will help the story flow smoother.
The second thing is that you are explaining absolutely everything. Every detail of what is happening along with every justification for why it's happening. This makes the story take a very long time to actually get anywhere. It's taken four chapters for Allen to wake up, go out his door, and get scared back in. This is a LOT of words to cover a small amount of actions. If the characters were being developed during this time, as in we were learning more about the primary character, then that would not be an issue. But most of the text in this story is justification and little scenes of random guards that we will likely never see or care about again.
I have two suggestions if you care to hear them:
First, keep the focus on a very few main characters. A reader only has a limited attention span and will quickly forget side characters. It's not really worth spending the audiences attention on things that are not core to the story.
Second, try to pare down any sentence that does not advance the plot, develop a main character, or set the stage. Everything else is just distracting the reader from your story.
Awesome
The only thing I could nitpick about this fic so far is that I don't know of any kind of rancher without at least a handgun.
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He's got guns, it's just that he can't get at them because they are locked in a gun safe, and he doesn't have the key or combination to the safe.
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Besides, his father is the one that had access to the guns, and he was too protective of them.
I find it incredibly intriguing that his first contact with ponies is with the Royal Guard.
It certainly makes for a different first impression.
In this case, different is good.
With the spider eating her face..
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