4340410 Np. If you want, we have a story discussion thread where spoilers are encouraged.

Either that or just do the spoiler thing. The only spoilers I'm comfortable with here are spoilers I stick in my incredibly hypocritical reviews. 'Cause I kinda have to.

4340418 Should I copy my response to that thread then?

4340424 Only if you want to. I'm not very beefed either way.

At Hap's request, it looks like I'm tackling the self-submissions for a while. This should be interesting.

Reviewing: Three Gems and a Scooter

The Lords of Harmony: A Tale of Two Sisters
Whinifree
Dark, Adv.

Right off the start, we're placed in a dream or more like a nightmare that Celestia is having. Suddenly, very suddenly, we're transitioned to the waking world where Luna sees her sister in pain and decides to give her some small comfort. Being the princess of dreams/night/etc., it's nice to see the two sisters bonding. The next chapter, we're introduced to Twilight and the Mane Six preparing for Nightmare Night. They head towards the Castle of the Royal Sisters deep in the Everfree forest. I can't say much else due to there only being two chapters available to read.

Sentences are rather choppy and wording is makes it rather difficult to interpret the situation. As I read this, I did notice there is a large amount of detail but so much that I felt like more a description that a story. Going in depth is fine but too far makes it rather dull. I will say that the characters remain close to canon at least.

Rejected. I can't approve of this just yet. There's not enough information for me to make an actual assertion to place it here and the story itself needs some serious work.

Just a bit of Cider
Joyous Apple
Comedy, Random, Adv, AU, Human

First person P.O.V. stories are difficult by themselves to write so I wanted to read one and see how others do it. Hoo boy. The introduction was rocky and it only went down hill from this point. We're thrown right into a video game first person shooter and I had no clue as to who was talking or the main character is. As I continued on, I finished the first chapter without much interest.

I got behind their line easily, and they happened to kill Tyler. I ran up to the first guy I could see and took out my knife, slitting his throat, then pulling up his gun. I took out his mag and inserted it into my M416.

“Now we’re talking!” I shout. “Say hello-!” I start firing into the squad of 5 men. They were all still freaking out, thinking they killed their aggressor. I took out two of them, before having to sprint out of the room. I was in tunnel vision, and breathing was labored. All I could hear was my heartbeat and the sound of gunfire.

There is a lot wrong here. First, it's an incredible amount of telling. Yes this was the main characters description of the events of what he's currently experiencing but the wording is so darn confusing. I was in tunnel vision, and breathing was labored? It doesn't make much sense when you say it out loud. The excessive use of 'I' in this story was way over the top. It's a first person point of view, I get that but every other sentence in here began with 'I'. I this, I that, I did, I that. It would greatly improve the overall story if you changed as to how the main character looked at the situation.

Rejected. There is so much work to be done with this and while I give you an 'A' for effort for taking up a 1st P.O.V. I honestly can't approve this story.

Read: Luna's Coffee

By: Soaring

This one wasn't a mind blower, romantic clop, or an existential break down. Just simply A Princess reflecting while enjoying a piping hot cup of coffee. My parents still think I'm too young for coffee...but that is a personal hurdle that I will overcome!

So we have Luna sipping on her coffee going over thing in her life that she likes and dislikes.

Luna loves her coffee.

Midnight black, sugary trap, and of careful craft; coffee is her jittery, delicious desire. She returns to its warmth as she stares out into the night. She needs her drink or she will be tired for the morning court.

Yes...yes she does indeed. The rest of the story goes on like this one line really. Providing a point and giving solid reason why Luna likes or dislikes that specific item or thing. There really isn't much to highlight in this fic other than a few lines that I found personally appealing.

Luna hates measuring.

Last time she measured something, her lucky-charm-maned sister yelled at her for putting too much flour in her cake. Apparently too much of the substance caused her sister to bloat, or at least that’s what she was told. Most of the nobles suspected that she gained a few extra cubic inches on her plump of a rump, but Luna couldn’t believe that. After all, Celestia has said she’s been trying to lose the extra poundage…

Ha, women always worrying about their weight (just kidding girls )

Luna loves nicknames.

Princess Moonbutt is what she is referred to by those who stare at her profound buttox. Of course, no one can top Princess Sunbottom and her distinct roundness and definition. The Royal Sunny D cannot be stopped, especially when the sun is at its brightest. No one can attest the Moon Pie’s Crowning achievement of being in power with her counterpart of family and friendship.

Luna no one stares at your rump *stare intesifies*. Just wanted to point those out. Now as for the verdict....

Rejecting

Honestly it is a good story, but it lacks any true conflict or drive. I love the idea of Luna having thoughts about herself while enjoying a nice mug of joe, but there really is no true point. Not saying that it isn't worth a read. This is most def going into my faves!

Thank you for your time...

~Motm

4344328 Honestly, I love the review. It's perfect! The conflict bit I would agree with you in terms of it having a lack of a "major" conflict, but there is a minor one in there. In fact, you highlighted it in the first box.

She needs her drink or she will be tired for the morning court.

The only problem is is that we never know if it's resolved. All we know is that Luna is going to ask the maids for a new cup, which is specified right at the end.

Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it (and even faved it)! Thanks, bunches!

-Soaring

Hello again. Sorry I've been slow to review lately: exam revision and the like.

Reviewed A Game of Kings and Pretty Pony Princesses

Quantity read: Prologue and four chapters

Accepting

This story managed to entertain me quite a bit. Whilst reading, I never got the impression that it's actual prose was anything special. It certainly wasn't poor or lacking, but hardly impressive. Sometimes it becomes quite tell-y, and doesn't really describe the environment and events as much as I'd want it to, and doesn't really immerse the reader very well either. Godiva's flashback was actually quite jarring, and even difficult to follow.

What really, really redeems the story are the characters the story crafts. Each of them, from the King himself to my personal favourite, Hauteclaire, is both distinctive, recognizable, and perfectly on par with the characters already established in the show.

What often happens with crossovers and OC characters is that they're not actually designed to fit in with the cartoonish setting MLP provides. Whilst this is often mitigated and controlled by the writing and setting the individual author provides, this story manages to keep the same sort of 'cartoon' feel without meddling with how the universe works originally. Each character has been given a strong gimmick, one I can easily recognize and identify. The King is rude and arrogant (and not particularly smart), Hauteclaire is a vicious schemer, and Godiva is what I imagine every eight year old would feel upon arriving in Equestria. You could argue they're more two dimensional than your typical, carefully crafted OC, but I disagree. The relationships between them are as engaging and delicate as the relationships between the mane cast. They're not simple: they're just cartoonish, and they blend in wonderfully with the show.

Their discussions are very enjoyable, and wonderfully fun to read. I think the author made a good choice making Hauteclaire the character we follow most often, at least as far as I've read. His more down to earth attitude makes every over-the-top action the rest of the court does that much more amusing and fun. It contrasts, and I think if we followed Godiva or the King, the story would have felt a lot more stupid (since let's face it, it toes that line).

Whist I do feel there are improvements to be made in the writing itself, it never took away from the entertainment this story provides, and that's what I really want from stories. It's why I've often preferred little slice of lifes to these big, grand, psychological adventures: one just seeks to entertain and tell a story, the other is trying to explore some characters psyche or whatever. Problem is, very few stories manage to do that, and make it fun to read. This story is fun, enjoyable, and even better, promises more of the same as it goes on.

There's a real mystery in the story: where do these characters come from and what is the Game? Whilst I'm not quite there yet, I think I can say with no small amount of certainty that this story will provide quite the fun and enjoyable ride as we get there.

My only real quarrel with it is that we haven't seen a lot of the ponies so far, and in an MLP fanfic, they're kind of important. But like I said: enjoyable. The story makes up for it.

Reviewing The Dragon And the Mare

Apparently, this is a story that got submitted to the ole' Hearts and Hooves thing. You know, the one my story got in.

Not that I'm bragging.

Anyway, it got rejected, but what doesn't get rejected by the EqD? I thought it was just a fact of life. The stories there weren't written: they just appeared there by magic. That's what I heard, anyway.

Since there are two 'versions', I'll review the condensed version first. If it's terrible, I'll reject it. If it's awesome, I'll let it in. If it's 'meh', I'll read the expanded version.

Finished Reviewing ^^^ that.

Read: Condensed version, skimmed beginning of the other one

Rejecting

This story is a bit of an infuriating one. Not because it's overtly bad, but because when I get right down to it, it's pretty bland. It's a Sweetie Belle x Spike story (or as I like to call it, Sweetie Bike) that's neither outstandingly written or outstandingly interesting. It's transitions are poor enough to annoy me, and it's story is just nonsensical enough for me to dislike it.

The problem with shipping is getting me to believe that the two characters do have feelings for one another. Some stories need long, elaborate set-ups to convince the reader that they'd be a good couple. Some take a gamble and throw the reader in the middle of the relationship, showing us that they'd be a good couple if it happened. This story does neither: it sets the romance up, but very quickly, and it just glosses over Sweetie's development with Spike.

It starts rather clumsily, throwing quick exposition at me. In the first two paragraphs, the CMC have gained their cutie marks and are adults. Stuff is happening, and really, it was pretty dry reading.

Rarity is moving house. Now, this bit confused me for the longest time, because it wasn't made clear why this was a bad thing with regards to our Sweetie Bike romance. She just gets sad and wanders off, having this big internal turmoil that wasn't really set up properly. It feels really weird, like she got all emotional for no reason.

Later on it's explained that because Rarity is leaving, Spike has no reason to stay either and will leave. Would have been great to know that before I spend a dozen paragraphs thinking Sweetie is insane. Setting up a scene with Spike and Rarity would have gone a long way.

The story tries to shoo in a couple of other ships which also aren't set up. Applebloom is dating Snails, which (and I'm sorry to say this, Snails fans, wherever that one idiot might be hiding) strikes me as a real step down for AB's character.

I mean, would you want to wake up next to this?!

A nitpick, granted, but I really dislike that guy. I'm politically aligned against stupidity.

Anyway, moving back to a real problem with the story, there's a lot of side stuff going on. I understand why people wanted this to get expanded, and if that was the only problem this story had, I'd be reading that expanded version right now. But as it is, the ending was also pretty anticlimactic. It ended with Sweetie simply asking Spike to go out with her, and really, in terms of conflict, it was pretty hollow.

The story spent ages repeating that they couldn't date because Spike was a dragon and Sweetie was a unicorn. I... really... wasn't impressed. It doesn't make a point of showing me why this doesn't work, and just comes off as lazy. It's like if, instead of me making a conflict for AppleDash by using Rainbow's carreer as a Wonderbolt taking her away from home where she has a family she needs to take care of, I just said: they can't be a couple because she's a Wonderbolt and Applejack's a farmer. It's really underwhelming.

It also has some shoddy writing to go along with it:

The gifts he received each year making him larger, about her size now.

her head dipping a bit. Embarrassed to admit to reading a romance novel.

Its accidentally anti unicorn and so corny.

Her sword crossed with that of Spike, or was it Sky Striker?

Her eyes went wide at his answer. Knowing it even as his lips began to move.

"oh right, upset

Followed short by twist.

It's just, too weird for me."

Wanting to hit herself in the head as it came out a content one.

The phrasing is pretty clumsy, and can be really annoying when it keeps cropping up. But what really got me was this:

"O-o-oh spike!"

"Umm....rarity?"

"It's spike."

spike answered

said as sweetie looked

No. Bad story. I don't care where you're from, you capitalize names. Go to your room.

Just in case the writing improved, I skimmed through the first chapter of the expanded one. It didn't take long for me to find another capitalization error:

Whats that You've got there?

Which pretty much killed my desire to keep reading. The rest of it wasn't too different either: it was still rather tell-y, still had all that exposition at the beginning, and was still pretty generic.

Is it bad? No, I guess not, but it is pretty generic, not very engaging, rushed, and in need of improving it's writing. I guess I can appreciate it's ambition, though: throwing so many side ships in the story could have been a nice touch if it was handled better, and even though the premise was rather empty of conflict, it wasn't a bad one. It just fails in it's execution, and doesn't have much to compensate.

Because it's the week-end and I don't wanna revise right now, reviewing Equestria's New Nightmare.
Let's see, how many 'things HapHazred doesn't like' boxes does this story tick? Crossover? Check. Gore+Dark? Check. Horror? Kinda implied in the last one, so Check.

It's going to be a good day, I feel. Apparently this was featured in the Nonpareil fiction group, though, which is a group that works a bit like this one, except far less efficient because me, and all of my story approvers aren't in it. Poor guys. Never knew what hit 'em. In any case, I'll be keeping an open mind.

4348825 we over at nonpareil fiction didn't feature this, we just let it in. (And as the guy who accepted it, I stand by it)

4349177 Well it's got a ribbon, don't it? That's featured enough for me.

Just semantics, I guess. First chapter was okay, too. Haven't come to a decision regarding the next two yet though. I'm going to finish what was written.

Finished Reviewing New Nightmare

Rejecting

Well, I did try to read this with an open mind, and for the first few chapters I was actually convinced I'd have to swallow my pride and accept it in, but instead of getting progressively more exiting and interesting, it just peters and falters in chapters three and four, and even made me laugh in chapter five.

Chapter one actually started relatively nicely, when you get down to it. I liked the way our slasher operated just outside of Luna's sight. It made the whole thing feel just a bit more fun to read, really, and much more creepy. The fact we didn't see what happened added to the tension, and although I fully expected the story to go all out on me later on, I was happy that it was slowly easing me into it, making me wait before it does something that'd (hopefully, as is the aim of the story) make me shit my currently nonexistent pants.

Unfortunately, it takes a turn for the worse in later chapters. It becomes very obvious that the story is relying on gore to freak me out, which really doesn't work. It reads like a coronary report, which isn't particularly scary, immersive, or even interesting.

The writing is very tame: it doesn't really get me invested in the story itself, and could stand to craft a far stronger environment for me to get lost in. I'd normally be far less strict regarding this, but here, for what the story needs to accomplish, it needs it. It needs me to feel every cut, and feel the fear the characters are feeling, because if it doesn't, then all it's provided for me is a few gory descriptions, and as you can see in our original post, gratuitous gore is frowned upon as a means to create an atmosphere.

The fear is all gone, too. Not only is the pattern easily recognizable, but again, the writing doesn't make watching a bloke in dire need of a facelift killing foals particularly intimidating. It's just watching a dream, then it cuts to Frederic about to do his business, and then some pony finds them and oh-look, they've been injured horribly, and we get a nice detailed description of how they look. How terrifying.

What makes a lot of these stories work is knowing what the characters are feeling. In a horror movie, that's not hard: we have natural empathy and can just infer it from their terrified faces, provided the acting is decent. Here, words must compensate. They don't, though. Even when it's another pony discovering the aftermath, usually the story just tells me they've been screaming instead of fully showing me their emotions. It's a pretty bland way of telling the story, and had this been any other type of story, it might have gotten away with it. But it's horror, and I need to be there for it to be anything more than a few gory scenes.

The rest of it isn't anything bad, but it hardly salvages the story either. Shattered Glass is pretty unimpressive. I don't actually know much about him and have no real idea what he's supposed to be. The mane cast are all there, and I have to admit they're in character, but they're not really the focus of the story and don't work towards making me enjoy myself much.

The last chapter got me to splutter and chuckle. I don't know what happened: it was the way they said Gilda had killed herself that just felt so over the top. It kept going, too, with the whole painting their wingtips and stuff. I guess the laughter just came out. It was actually a nice touch: turn Dash's fears and stuff against her, which nightmares should do, but I really think subtlety could have gone a long way here. The whole nightmare was just so out of place, though: we went from seeing foals having nightmares and this whole investigation thing to Rainbow having a nightmare where Gilda's father asks her to suck him off to prove she's into males. I... sorry, I guess I found it funny. Why? Out of all the nightmare topics Dash could have done, why that one? Although I wasn't really impressed with the story, I certainly didn't expect chapter five.

All in all, it's a decent story (minus chap 5) that's just relying on the wrong thing to work: gore. Gore isn't scary. It's revolting, but not scary. My advice? Rework the story to make us see through the characters eyes. Show us detail, show us emotion, and get me to really emphasize with these guys. I get that I'm not the easiest guy to scare and not the most emphatic, but look at it this way: if you can get me to feel what the characters are feeling and be genuinely frightened for them, I think you've got a winner. Switching from character to character to do different nightmares was probably a bad idea: I don't get enough time to get properly emphatic with them.

4350682 Fair enough. There's a reason the tone of Dash's dream is different. I will admit that I didn't expect people to outright laugh, but it is meant to be obviously not real after Twilight shows up.

I really need to get back to writing on this story, but I've been prioritizing work and getting fit lately, alongside other medical issues.

4350698 Of course. Whenever you think you're ready, send me a PM and I can go over it again.

Don't worry too much about the laughing thing. I'm a bit of a special snowflake in that regard. It did feel really weird, though.

Sorry this took so long; life has been a bit hectic lately.

Reviewed: Three Gems and a Scooter

Read: All

Accepting

This one was definitely a tough one. On the one hand, there is a lot to like in this story, and it did manage to keep my attention. On the other hand, for everything this story did that was good, it also did something that was lackluster. It danced on the fine line between easy accept and easy reject for the whole thing. Because of that, I really had a hard time deciding what to do with this one for a while.

This story is a Scootadopt story (a great start already. More on that later) with Rarity as the ‘adopter’. In the story, Scootaloo is going to be sent to Baltimare soon, which naturally causes Sweetie Belle to break down. As a result, Rarity tries to find a family in Ponyville who will adopt Scootaloo, but none of her friends will take her. As a result, Rarity decides to temporarily take care of Scootaloo until a willing adopter shows up, just so her little sister won’t be separated from her best friend. From there, it shows how Rarity and Scootaloo interact as time goes on, as the duo slowly start to grow closer.

Okay, first things first, let me start with what this story does wrong since, to be fair, it does have quite a few issues within it. First off, the grammar. While it’s not illegible at any point, it also has quite a few issues with its grammar. Here are just a few examples:

“It’s not fair! She’s my best friend and they’re gonna take her away. (Period is a poor choice of punctuation in the second sentence)”

she had been to The Carousel Boutique enough to know where everything was anyway.

Before she could say anything Scootaloo spoke up. (Missing comma)

Even so Rarity remained in the room long after it was clear that the orange filly was temporarily at peace. (Missing comma again.)

It was a simple dish but one that Rarity was happy to agree to even though Scootaloo expressed a preference for dandelion greens over arugula. (Missing a couple commas)

Scootaloo was being as open and honest and she had ever seen,

The gala’s and events of Hearths Warming and New Years were too far away for most ponies to think about (No apostrophe in galas.)

And most of the time Rarity had a perfectly wonderful relationship with her. (One, missing comma, and two, never start a sentence with ‘and’.)

Would you like another lullaby. (Period should be a question mark.)

In addition to that, the story felt somewhat repetitive, with both its story structure and its wording. The structure of the story made each chapter feel fairly similar to one another: it only occasionally felt like there was any progress being made, since Scootaloo constantly had her emotions blocked off. It wasn’t as predictable as some stories, but it still felt a tad repetitive. In addition, this phrase is all over the place:

But if Rarity was put off, she certainly didn’t show it.

If Rarity shared Scootaloo’s feelings about it being awkward to share breakfast without Sweetie Belle present, she certainly didn’t show it.

If Autumn was offended by Rarity’s candor he didn’t show it

While it’s not common enough to be annoying, it still shows up a little too frequently for my taste. To be fair, there are a couple of phrases like that, but this one was the most frequent.

And finally, the big thing I disliked was the idea. I’m going to be honest: I personally cannot stand Scootadopt. I’m sorry, but Scootadopt is one of the few story types that just make me roll my eyes. It’s not that I have a problem with it as a concept, more so that most of the Scootadoption stories I’ve read felt cheap, repetitive, poorly written, and predictable. Every time I’ve read a Scootadoption, it followed a similar pattern: tragic backstory for Scootaloo (almost always involving death of parents), random character adopts Scootaloo, issues slowly fade away without giving enough detail about day to day life. It felt like I was reading the same sup-par story each time, with only minor alterations here and there, and in some respects, this story seems to follow that pattern: A tragic backstory for Scootaloo, random character adopts her, issues seem to slowly fade away. Because of that, this story felt very by the numbers at times, which occasionally had me sighing.

However, even with all of that bad stuff, there were a lot of really good things to counterbalance each negative point. For starters, the vocabulary in this story was really well done. In my Crystal Math review, I said that that story seemed to be overcompensating in its attempt to fix the issue of repeating words by spouting out bigger words ever second it could. This story, on the other hand, hit a nice balance; it throws in a good variety of words to keep repetition from sinking in, but at the same time, it doesn’t do it enough to be distracting. This kept the sentence structure from getting stale, and made immersion easier.

Second, while the story did feel somewhat repetitive at points, it never became predictable; unlike some stories I’ve reviewed, each chapter felt fresh and unique; nothing felt like a rehash. Sure, its overall structure is a tad predictable, but the day to day nature of the story’s chapters made it so I was never sure what each day would hold. Every chapter felt unique, everything had a point, and every interaction was enjoyable in its own right, which made for a story that kept me reading, if for no other reason than to see what the next day would hold, which is just what a good multi-chapter SOL should do.

Another thing that was enjoyable were the characters. Sure, you could make the argument that they’re a tad out of character (Rarity seems a little too in control of her emotions, and Scootaloo is incredibly cold in this story), but I didn’t mind that for two reasons: 1) both Rarity and Scootaloo are still recognizable, and 2) they’re both really interesting. Scootaloo in particular was a fascinating character; while I don’t want to spoil why she’s as cold toward the idea of family as she is in this story, her backstory was incredibly sympathetic, and gave a perfect explanation for why she was as cynical as she was, all without it feeling forced. It really was interesting to watch how she develops as time goes on, and I really want to see more of how things go for her as time goes on.

And finally, the thing that made this one stand out from other Scootadopts I’ve read was the detail given in every single chapter. Even the tiniest of things were touched upon, making for a story that felt very satisfying: we see Scootaloo slowly adapt, we see Rarity’s inner thought process as she tries to balance out her job, taking care of Scoots, and many other issues throughout the story, and we feel all of the inner turmoil Scoots is going through. It’s well paced, interesting, does more showing than telling (although it does have its tell-y moments), and feels very real, unlike most Scootadopts I’ve read.

In the end, I’ve decided that this story did deserve to be entered into the bin: I had fun reading it, the flaws were only occasionally distracting, and it’s got me curious about what is going to happen next. While far from the best story ever, it’s still a story that I’m glad I read, and one that I’m more than happy to let in.

Reviewing: One More Dance

Reviewed: One More Dance

Read: Eight Chapters

Accepting

Wow, this is a heavy tale. It's been a while since I've seen a story that started off so incredibly dark, and continued to remain that way for so long. Just... wow.

So, what's this story about? This story stars a character named Dactylic Pentameter (Yes, that's his actual name), who's about to attempt suicide by jumping off of Canterlot High. However, before he can accomplish the deed, the Human Five and Sunset Shimmer end up discovering him standing there, and try to convince him not to go through with it. However, it seems that Dac isn't having any of it. Through a series of flashbacks, the Humane Six discover that each of them ended up playing a role in putting Dac in the situation he's in now. The group has to figure out a way to make the young man reconsider before he decides to end it all, which could happen at any second. Let me be blunt: Due to how personal of a subject suicide is for me, suicide stories will cause me to have one of two reactions: it's either a guaranteed way to earn my upvote, or a guaranteed way to make me hate your story with a burning passion, depending on how the situation is handled. Thankfully for this story, it handled it remarkably well.

There are quite a few good things here. First off, the atmosphere is excellent. I haven't read a story that left me this tense throughout the whole thing in a long while. From Sunset's (incredibly malicious) bullying which got the story rolling, to the rejection he got upon asking a member of the Humane Five out, everything was well described, nearly every reaction was believable, and everyone acted believably in the story, which made it easy to get immersed. Also helping was the fact that it showed every major character's perspective. We saw how Dac interpreted each event, and how it affected him, while also seeing how the Humane 6 were affected by the monster that is hindsight. Both sides were represented properly, and both were fascinating. The story transitions between the various viewpoints quite well, which really helped me feel every character's pain and/or desperation in this. Everything a character felt, I felt as well, which made for a story which had me feeling incredibly down throughout.

However, even with a gripping atmosphere, strong characters, and tension so thick that it could be cut with a knife, it's not perfect. There is one glaring issue that it has that I can see turning some readers off: it's repetitive. By the third chapter, a formula had clearly been put in place for these chapters: Humane 6 on the ground telling him not to do it, he essentially tells them to sod off, focus on a member of the clique, flashback about time said character interacted with Dac, quick discussion about moment in the present, than switch to Dac's perspective to hear his view on the matter. It's only in the 7th chapter that this formula is slightly tweaked, but even then it still remains largely unchanged. Because of that, I can see some viewers seeing this story as the same chapter told over and over again, just slightly altered each time. I actually considered rejecting it at first because of this, but ultimately, I decided that as long as it remained engaging throughout, the repetition could be ignored. Although the chapters seemed similar, it never felt like it was a rehash: every chapter left me worried about Dac's predicament, which was just what the story needed to do.

I've been meaning to read this story for a while now, and I'm glad I finally did. With a great atmosphere, great characters, great pacing, and great overall representation of this kind of situation, One More Dance is definitely worthy of a spot in the Goodfic Bin.

Reviewing: Crystalline

4363575 Thank you so much for the great review. I'm glad you were able to enjoy my story and fairly assess the drawbacks at the same time. You're right, suicide is a touchy subject, and I'm glad it was able to reach you in such a way. That's one of the major reasons I wrote it.

Thanks again!

4363710 I try to give both positives and negatives when I make my reviews, whenever possible. I find it's more helpful to all parties involved, even though it means the reviews usually take me a little longer to make. Glad you enjoyed it, and I look forward to finishing the story off! Cheers

Reviewed Black and White and Red all over

Accepting

This was a rather straightforward pairing story featuring Big Mac and Zecora. I don't have much to say about this one, unfortunately, since it was both very unsurprising (which came as a disappointment) and also a very sound read. Essentially, it gets it's job done without really standing out that much. I do think it goes into 'good' territory despite this, though. The writing flows very naturally and is pleasant to read. Big Mac and Zecora are also pretty well written. Big Mac really does feel like the kind of character you see in the show: big, not much of a thinker, but not stupid either. His little quest in the forest reminded me a bit of that one comic episode where he's looking for nails.

Zecora is similarly well portrayed. Everything rhymes, but doesn't feel too forced, either (or rather, more forced than it does in the show).

Again, my main problem with the story is how by-the-numbers it feels sometimes. Not all the time, granted, but there are moments, like the 'love at first sight routine' where Big Mac's jaw drops at Zecora's arrival, and the part where Big Mac dies just so Zecora can feel appropriately sad. Not too much feels attempted or risked in any way. It's simply a story about Big Macintosh going to see Zecora and ends up having a few unfortunate incidents along the way. Even those weren't particularly novel. You've got the monster, the poison joke (an Everfree must) and the toxic berries.

In the end, I don't feel it really needs to stand out that much, though. I think the main thing I'll ever remember about this story is the fact it was Zecora x Mac, but it does do it well enough thanks to the characters and writing that it was an enjoyable read. It has that rather charming 2012 feel where everything is laid back and casual, before everyone began fighting tooth and nail for original premises.

The only errors I could find in there are easily attributed to typos, not actual errors.

her face which was becoming noticeable darker by the moment.

And the only bit that annoyed me was this rather tell-y bit below:

He took a gargle of water from a small pool nearby to clean the taste of vomit from his mouth and spat it out. He continued onward, unaware that the berries he’d just eaten were deadly poisonous. The berry’s toxin made his belly feel full, but from that point on he was slowly dying and, due to the poison’s insidious nature, was completely unaware of it.

In short, this is a hard one to say much positive about asides from the fact it does what it does well. I could nitpick endlessly, but I don't really want to: it was a pleasant read that not only a Zecora x Mac fan could enjoy, but a good few non-believers such as myself. If I were to suggest improvements, it'd have been showing more of the pairing prior to the epilogue. They do spend a lot of time apart, and it leaves perhaps too much to the imagination.

As expected, I'm becoming increasingly unable to review regularly as my work is getting more and more urgent. However, for all intents and purposes, I will be reviewing Her Destiny.

I will be back at 100% on the 30th, when my exams end. You can expect me to play catch-up then.

4372153 Yes, I did! More importantly, it's very, very fascinating.

Reviewed: Crystalline

Read: Four Chapters

Rejecting

Oh boy, a ton of really short chapters. That's always a good first impression (except that it's not). I'm not holding that against this story, however. What I am holding against it is the fact that the grammar is weak, the pacing is wonky, and I spent a lot of my reading time asking myself what the heck was going on.

So, what's the story this time? From what I can gather, it's about Sombra and Cadence teaming up to save the Crystal Empire from a new threat. What might that threat be? I'm not sure at this point, mainly because Sombra is keeping as vague as he can for no apparent reason. From there, they basically complete several preparations in order to combat this... whatever it is.

So, what's wrong here? Several things. First off, the pacing is a wreck. Everything goes by really quickly, making each chapter feel incomplete, which left me very little time to get acquainted with the world, the characters, or anything. Because of this, I found it difficult to care about any of the events that happened, because they were so brief that I barely had time to even acknowledge that they happened at all. This is only made worse by the grammar and wording, which was really weak. Examples include:

The breeze lifted her higher, and higher becoming a wonderful thermal. (That comma should be moved behind the second higher.)

Barely having to flap her purple tipped wings; as she gazed at the sunset to the North. (Not sure if this is grammatically acceptable or not, but either way it feels incredibly awkward.)

A small spark distinctively gleamed, drawing her gaze toward. ( I think you're missing a couple words here?)

A few seconds earlier I saw a strange glint over Mt. Topazora. (Missing comma)

Memorable even. (Not a sentence.)

The room was nothing special.Its exterior was flanked by three guards in a secure yet little used area of the palace. (You seem to be missing a space between special. and Its.)

normal, yet not normal. (Huh?)

“WHY ARE YOU IN MY CASTLE YOU MAGGOT?!” (Not a spelling error, but also something that doesn't feel like something Cadence would say, pissed off or not.)

An old evil…needs fed. (Needs fed? Really? Add in a 'to be' between those words.)

I have calculated the odds we are the only two who have a good chance of success, for if the Empire is gone….it will take anypony within a few leagues with it. Also, me because I tied my lifeforce to the Empire and outwitted the Two Sisters.” (One, Say what now? Two, missing punctuation point after odds (I'd go with either a period or a colon, personally.) Three, me because is incorrect. Sombra isn't Cookie Monster, after all. I'd recommend making it a part of the previous sentence by saying '...leagues with it, as well as myself because...')

These are just a few examples I found, but trust me when I say they aren't the only ones. Far from it.

However, the worst part by far is that I barely have any clue what's happening. Everything seems to happen with no rhyme, reason, or explanation present, which just left me confused and asking 'Why?' a lot. Here's a couple examples: Why is the prologue in 3rd person while the main story is in 1st? Why did Cadence decide to head to the mountains in the first place in order to see the glint to discover the rose? If a ledge concealed the rose, then how did she see a glint from it? Why was she crying after breaking the rose (last I checked, Cadence isn't that big of a crybaby). Why does Cadence ask to speak with a dangerous criminal without any backup in case things get hairy? Why is the Crystal Empire the only meal for whatever Sombra suspects? Why does Cadence agree to Sombra's plan without asking for details? These questions are constantly appearing throughout the story, and are rarely answered. Things just happen because the plot just says so, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. Because of that, I spent most of the story confused, wondering what was going on. I'm sorry, but that's just sloppy writing.

I really hate the fact that I have to reject this. Forcing two old enemies to join forces is a great idea, and Sombra's dialogue provides some very interesting ideas about how the world works. If it weren't for the fact that I was completely in the dark for almost everything that happens, I could probably say that it's interesting enough to warrant a look. However, a good idea won't get you anywhere when your execution is poor, which is the case here. My advice? Aside from getting an editor, I recommend slowing down a bit; go into more detail about each event. Describe what sort of threat they're up against better. Show the chemistry between the two characters as more than just two exposition machines with the occasional cute line thrown in. Basically, flesh everything out some more. Do that, and I'd be willing to give it another look, but until then, I can't accept this.

Ok, before we get on to the actual story description, I'd like to give you a fair warning. This story will be the first fanfiction I have written. Not first on this site, but the first ever. So, I'd like to apologize if this story has any spelling/grammatical errors or in general bad writing.

...Well...at least he/she's honest?

"Hey Twilight, do you wanna have a sleepover at Rariy's house?

Oh boy...
Reviewing: Ignorance is Bliss

4381200 Well, I prefer that kind of little warning to the 'first story, don't criticize' types.

One is, for all intents and purposes, a recognition of one's limits. The other is typically impossible for me to obey, since I'm here to review it and all.

Happy hunting.

4381261 As do I. Still, when I'm reviewing for a group called the Goodfic Bin, that's still a red flag. Oh well, only time will tell. Cheers

Reviewed: Ignorance is Bliss

Read: Three Chapters,

Rejecting

This is an interesting tale so far. A very interesting tale, indeed. I mean that in only the best way, too: this story is quite engaging at points, and seems to be building up to something quite twisted indeed. I'm enjoying my time with it so far.

HOWEVER...

Even though I think that this is an interesting tale, it still makes too many rookie mistakes for me to allow it in as of now.

This story starts off with the Main 6 at a slumber party. The gang decides to pop in a scary movie (because Equestria is capable of DVD technology now, I guess). Everything is going fine, until, after a certain torture scene, Pinkie ends up blanking out, awakening in a flashback of her past. From there, the story slowly builds up to a twisted conclusion regarding Pinkie's past. At least, that's where the story seems to be going as of now.

While that's an interesting idea, and it is written competently enough to hold my attention, it has too many flaws for me to accept it. First off, the grammar is sub-par. Throughout the story, I encountered errors left and right, such as:

"Hey Twilight, do you wanna have a sleepover at Rariy's house?

Pin the Wings on a Breezie" or,

-Pinkie began to stare at Twilight with puppy eyes-

The sleepover is at 8 tonight!

Now, time to clean my coat. it's covered in batter and flour!.

Better... much better she thought as she looked at herself in the slightly fogged up mirror. (Missing punctuation)

Pinkie sat the cupcake on the small plate and had put them into a small circle.

Rarity got a similar idea with the cans of soda, except she wanted to set them up in a small pyramid.

"Ok, so what do we do first girls?" (Missing comma)

In addition to that, the author has a habit of putting author's notes within his story. There were a couple points within the story where the author did things like this:

"Come, young lady, you've got to eat breakfast before you start work." The mother said as she ushered the filly out.

(Short A/N: From now on, to make things easier, we're calling Pinkie's mother, "Cloudy")

Pinkie, intrigued by the whole situation, decides to follow Cloudy and the filly.

Although it doesn't go that far often, it still happens from time to time. Also not helping out is the fact that the narration sounds like the narrator is just having a casual conversation with the reader, as opposed to telling them the story:

The torturer was asking her questions like,

Fluttershy whispered something like,

Maybe she was stressed out and needed a break or something around those lines

Anyway, Pinkie knocked on the door of the door,

The story sounds more like it's recapping something from the narrator's POV, as opposed to actually telling the story straight up. Admittedly, I made the same mistake myself when I was writing my first story, but that doesn't make it any less of a mistake. Try to avoid speaking so loosely in your narration, if that makes any sense.

However, the biggest issue is that the story seems to be incredibly predictable so far. After I read the first two chapters, I already had a pretty clear idea of what was going to happen to Pinkie in her flashback, meaning that the next couple chapters worth of buildup feel less like they're building up suspense, and more like they're just delaying the dark part of the story. Because the story makes what's going to happen so incredibly obvious, there was little to make the story feel tense, which makes the story feel fairly unfulfilling, at least for me. While I am curious enough about the dark part of the story to keep going, there isn't any tension to make the buildup engaging.

Ultimately, this story doesn't quite have enough for me to accept it as of now. It's an interesting idea with a mediocre execution and sub-par grammar, which does not Goodfic Bin material make. While it's far from terrible, it's also not quite ready to be accepted as of now.

Reviewing: Twilight Falls, Sunset Dawns
Looking good so far. Cheers

4386085

4242456 I've finally gone through posting the new intro and modifying the whole thing to kinda fit. You can continue with reading it. It has a new intro so... well you know.

4393349 Sorry for the late-ish reply. Was very busy with important life-altering things.

I'll add it to my to-do list.

4400027 Alright.

Reviewed Her Destiny

Quantity read: Prologue and first two chapters

Rejecting

Before I get started, I want to point out that there are significant phrasing, grammar, and other technical concerns that are seriously holding the story back. The following examples are taken from the prologue only and are not exhaustive. They serve only to highlight the issue at hand.

Luna's tranquil, night sky smothered

The bright stars shone high in the dark blue mantle, and they were accompanied by the silver moon in the center, casting its glorious, pale light upon the landscape.

Her irises observed with attention the green mantle of leafs,

Tambelon returned from Tartarus after a thousand of years in the banishment.

“The nerve of you!” Rarity shouted displeased.

“B-b-but what happened Twilight?” A pink maned pegasus asked, stammering and shaking, “w-w-why is the city here now?”

Underlined w should be capitalized, unless I'm talking out of my arse again.

Guess that Celestia’s utopia does not have space for some truths...”

to the Tartarus

Her lungs bellowed wildly, she despaired.

A rainbow blur flew right to where the remaining three knights were preparing the next attack and they could only see the colors, and feel a strong punch in their faces, forcefully throwing them off the roof and to the ground.

a cyan blue furred pegasus

The butter pegasus

That’s why the Princesses didn’t saw another destiny to him, other than sending him straight to the Tartarus, alive.

Now that the issue of grammar and phrasing is out of the way, I want to move onto some other elements that I take issue with. The beginning of the chapter is mostly exposition, and pretty crude exposition at that.

Grogar found a way to bring himself and his city back from the banishment. Do you remember what Princess Luna told us?

No, but some thinly veiled exposition will clear that right up.

Grogar is a powerful spellcaster, he probably teleported his entire city here, where he can command his invasion easily.”

That sort of thing reminds me a lot of characters preceding some exposition with 'as you well know'. Anime is a repeat offender in that regard. Was there no other way to let the reader discover who Grogar is on our own? I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm pretty smart.

Another thing that really grates on my nerves is the tendency the prologue has to call the ponies stuff like : 'a pink earth pony'. 'An orange earth pony wearing a Stetson'. It can become really irritating, and I wish the story didn't do that. We even get 'chalk white unicorn'. I believe the fandom has a convenient name for this: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.

Next up on my list of things that grated on my nerves was putting links in the text. Firstly, the story should be able to describe Grognar well enough for me to never, ever need a picture of him. Secondly, just clicking a link and coming back distracts me from the story, breaking my immersion and suspension of disbelief. Thirdly, Grogar looks kind of cool.

But that's no excuse!

Their 'smack talk' is a little underwhelming. It sounds a lot like me when I've had a few drinks. It made Grogar look a little silly, in my opinion. He was prepared to dish out silly little taunts but when one gets thrown back at him he tries to dismiss it like he's better than them... which he isn't, apparently. He also uses true statements to invalidate the insult of wearing a bell around his neck (which is as good as it gets). According to him, it's not a worthy insult from the most honest pony in Ponyville... which strikes me as a contradiction. He gives all the elements a turn, and it's pretty invariable 'hello element of X. You are dumb, hur hur hur'. (I exaggerate, but that's what it feels like)

I get the impression the coolest thing about Grogar is the drawing of him earlier. He comes off as rather bland and stereotypical, without much flair to keep my interest. It's just the prologue, though, so I'm fine-ish with having a boring villain near the beginning, but the story isn't winning any points either.

My thoughts whilst reading the prologue weren't very optimistic. The writing was clumsy, the dialogue was off (espeically for Pinkie) and the story was very blunt with what it's trying to get me to feel (Twilight saying she doesn't want anyone to get hurt instead of showing it). That said, it was far from completely negative. The action scenes were inventive and even enjoyable. I don't agree with some of the stuff that happens there (Pinkie giving them up because she wanted to chase a ball and Rarity getting lured into the fashion trap, for instance) but each encounter showcased what each of the characters could do, and that's good. Come the end of the prologue, I think I was even impressed, because it served a second objective.

It spend 12K words setting up how strong the mane six work as a team. At the time of reading, I wasn't optimistic about Celestia's future portrayal, and we'll see how the story handles that bombshell, but as a means of setting up why the six of them could be construed as a threat, I think that the prologue was not only highly effective, but pretty fun, too. It's just a real shame that the writing, grammar, dialogue and infuriating links are bogging it down. Once you get to the thick of the action, I could see a large amount of people enjoying the story.

Now I will be moving onto the first and second chapters.

As I expected, Celestia's treatment struck me as very unfair. Not as bad as I expected, but that's because when I deal with stories like these, I develop pretty low expectations. Celestia is a wise pony. I'm not saying that because I'm a Celly fan (which I am, by the way...) but because she is. She's Twilight's mentor and teacher: being wise and knowledgeable is part of the job description. I find it particularly irksome that she wouldn't even investigate the matter of Twilight 'murdering' her friends. I feel her reaction was quite forced, and put her in a position she wouldn't usually put herself in.

Speaking of the matter of the 'murder', in this chapter Twilight is revealled to have killed her friends after the prologue. Well, I say 'killed'. Doubt is cast on the matter at the end of the first chapter. The story takes a turn for the manipulative as they parade Twilight in front of the other ponies, each one of them accusing her. Again, this felt forced, and on a more personal note, I think Twilight being on her own being afraid of what the others would say would have been much more effective. In short, I wasn't a fan of this chapter. I think the grammar was mildly better, but not enough to properly redeem the chapter.

We're also told that apparently it's Twilight's destiny to replace Celestia and Luna. Well... I think it was too soon to introduce that plot element. Especially not using the medium of a children's story. Although, I suppose that is how the show itself started, so out of all the things that annoyed me, that one became relatively minor. That said, the first two episodes were not what made me enjoy the show. I'm still not a fan of this story decision.

Third chapter is, in my opinion, worse in terms of Celestia's characterization. It feels like it's becoming another one of those 'villain Celestia' or 'Tyrant Celestia' stories. I actually got so peeved at that and other trends I wrote one of my own stories as a response. Some of the writing makes other stuff a little confusing, like Luna's opinions on the matter.

Firefly makes an appearance here, too. The events leading from Twilight's escape to her learning magic with alicorn Firefly are rather choppy and sometimes hard to follow, again due to the writing. I didn't want to spend ages puzzling all of it out, especially since my mind is rather made up on the story anyway, but it involves a turncoat assassin night pony helping Twily escape, Twilight gets really afraid for Spike who might be eaten by dragons for some reason (an odd occurrence in Celestia's 'utopia') and then as she escapes she gets saved by the Concord Flame, Firefly. I don't know why she's called the Concord Flame, and I don't really care: all I know is it sounds silly.

There's a lot of exposition going on in this chapter too, more than I think is appropriate. Celestia is apparently keeping Equestria (a sort of promised land) sequestered (or as I like to call it, sequestria) and other nations are a bunch of meanies who don't like Celestia because she wants to keep her horse-club exclusive. That, I get, at least. In fact, if Celestia's portrayal had been more grounded, I think I'd have enjoyed this element a lot more, but I keep coming back to her being Tyrantlestia, not Celestia, the character she's supposed to be. Is it the worst Celestia portrayal? No, not by a long shot, but I do feel it isn't honest to her character.

I decided to end my reading this story here, since I feel I've learned all I want to from the story. Surprisingly enough, despite all the problems I have with it, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be, and I could even see it becoming quite an entertaining story further down the line. Twilight losing her friends is treated more as another plot point that has to be resolved than 'they're dead, be sad', and they may even return further in the story. I appreciate that a fair bit. Whilst I don't agree with Celestia's portrayal, I do think that a fair amount of thought went into planning how Sequestria works and the surrounding lands, again something that's to the story's credit.

But the writing is shoddy, there's way too much exposition, it doesn't progress clearly (taking the time to show Spike leaving to the forest would have been nice... I'm still confused as to why he's there, actually) and taking a lot more time to make Celestia's actions easier to swallow. Other people might be able to shrug it off as more Tyrant Celestia, but personally I think she should be her character first, and an antagonist second.

The same reasoning should apply to all characters, in my opinion. First, they need to be who they are: fulfilling a role is their secondary purpose. If you have to change the character for them to act in a specific way, I think something is being done wrong.

All in all, even if the rest of the story is great, I don't feel the beginning is strong enough to warrant people struggling through it. It's not bad, in my opinion, but it has too many problems for me to let in. If the writing is addressed further down the line, I may be prepared to check on how the story progresses, and maybe give it a chance to change my mind.

The Sky is the Limit
Man on the Moon
Rom, Comedy, Adv, AU

Okay, right from the beginning we face plant into a dozen odd sentences of dialogue. It was hard to come to terms with what I was reading which will definitely detract your readers attention. A prologue has to give you a small snippet of what someone should expect. This was rather direct and I couldn't grasp the situation.

Moving onto the first chapter, it seemed rather choppy in some areas while others were solid paragraphs of content. There's not a real subtle flow here as I continued to read. One noticeable thing were the said-isms, a large mistake that I myself, admit to continuously repeat.

“Alright everyone, settle down.” she panted. “Mrs. Rogers hasn't come back from lunch yet so I'm filling in on her behalf.”
Jamal tapped my arm and whispered “man she need to lay off them big macs boy.”
“Man, got me messed up. That's why you look like Jordan from Bernie Mac.” he shot back.“If I'm Jordan, you're the hamburglar.” I said with a laugh.

There is also a large amount of punctuation mistakes that are peppered throughout this story. Some words need to be capitalized and there are a few punctuation errors that made double take. In the second and third chapters, there's a few perspective shifts that are hastily done, going from our protagonist, Reggie to the mane six.

Rejected Sorry hoss, I can't approve of this work. You should go over this story and patch up what you have here.

I understand completely. That was one of my... lesser quality works which is why I haven't tried updating any further.
4402202

Re-reviewed Batmare Begins

Quantity read: five chapters

Accepting

I actually read through some of this story prior to going over it again now, which is probably why I'm done so early despite having a lot of work. Although I gave it a positive review before, I decided to read onwards, since the Goodfic Bin has, in my opinion, higher standards than the ill fated Olympus Group. Thankfully, my opinion has not changed, although in hindsight, I do have additional things to say.

The story is very solid, despite being a crossover. I've come to expect poor quality from crossovers, and Batmare Begins was one of the few stories I had read that really went against that trend, especially where I used to review. It takes time to set up the characters and doesn't usher them into their crossover roles, making it a far more seamless and enjoyable read. In fact, it takes it's time for everything, setting everything up slowly, ponderously, and carefully. Whilst I might have preferred a faster paced story, there's no denying it works well, and makes the crossover work.

Writing wise there's really not much I can get at. Spelling is flawless, and grammar is mostly fine. I think I only remember one grammar error, and I don't feel the need to scour five chapters to bring it to your attention now. The worst the story will do to you is the odd run-on sentence, but it doesn't stand out and remains comfortable to read, very much so in fact.

The story reaches a very comfortable position where it's doing nothing outright wrong, or even uncomfortable. It becomes very hard to find anything to hold against it. This also leaves the story plenty of opportunity to do stuff right and really capture my interest. If the story has a flaw, it's that it doesn't capitalize on this enough, and perhaps isn't as memorable as it should be. Licorne is the only character in five chapters (relatively long chapters too, not just 1K word bullet points) aside from the protagonist given much focus, and whilst he's comfortable to read, he's not particularly memorable, at least not where I stopped reading. I got much more of a kick from Tiny Taste, but his impact on the story was relatively minor.

The best thing about the story is most certainly Derpy, and we really do get to see a lot of her inner workings. Again, though, whilst comfortable (notice I'm repeating this word a lot) it's not very striking either. In five chapters, most of what happens is all training, making it clear that you have to sit down for the long haul to get anywhere really interesting.

The only other negative point I can think of is... well, why does it have to be a crossover? From what I've read so far, let's face it, not much batman related has actually come up. In fact, the focus of the story is Derpy focussing on her past and learning and growing from it, so why couldn't the story just do that? Is the Ra's Al Ghoul (or however you spell the damn thing) angle really necessary for the story? I'm not convinced. I didn't notice this last time around.

No matter how long I search for things like the above, though, the story will always remain a strong one. It plays to Derpy's past and present in a very intelligent manner, has great attention to detail, very comfortable pacing and strong development on Derpy's part. The only thing I wish the story did would be take a risk or two, and earlier on, too. I'm not a very patient soul, unfortunately.

Still, I'm confident when I say this is definitely Goodfic Bin material.

Reviewed Boarding School

Rejecting

Quantity Read: 4 Chapters

This is a story I was also given the opportunity to review for my previous group back in the day. Unlike Batmare Begins, however, this one was not an easy accept. In fact, I went out of my way to get a second opinion, since I was trapped between not really wanting to accept the story, but also unable to find any worthwhile arguments to reject it on. Thankfully, I feel that with time, I have been able to get a better understanding of why the story rubbed me the wrong way.

The story has Silver Spoon push her bullying too far, injure Applebloom, and then have her sent to boarding school to learn some manners. I've read a few stories regarding bullying, and have been quite regularly unimpressed. The first chapter follows that trend, and has a highly one sided display. Diamond Tiara is the bully, Applebloom is the poor, innocent victim who can't do anything. Where the first chapter fails is in giving me a reason to care. Without any context (since the story provides only the briefest of explanations) it's very hard to see DT or AB as anything other than constructs. A generic bully, and a generic victim. Why this annoys me is because it is, at it's core, manipulative. These aren't characters, they're tools designed to make me feel bad. I feel the story is forcing me to get upset at the display of bullying instead of actually making me emphasize with the characters, which is what I feel it should do.

You could argue that all stories are meant to manipulate the reader in some manner or form, but first off, I'm not supposed to notice, and second off, sacrificing the characters and story to create something like this is not the way to go about it. If there's one thing I've discovered I don't like, it's being manipulated (as I found out when reviewing Simply Rarity).

The story doesn't give any emotion or feeling to Applebloom or Diamond other than what their constructs should feel. It makes them feel forced and shallow. Instead of being a bully named Diamond Tiara, the character should be Diamond Tiara, a pony who happens to be a bully. The order in which they come is very important.

The trend extends to the other characters too, like Cheerilee and Filthy Rich. The story needs them to say things, and they say them without making me feel like they mean it. The story tells me Filthy is ashamed, and I feel I'm supposed to, but I don't get the feeling Filthy, the character, actually is. He's just reciting lines to look like he's ashamed. Cheerilee is the most manipulative of all. she serves no other purpose other than reciting a list of Silver's crimes, again to make me feel shocked and angry.

Here is the second place the story stumbles. The story is spending the longest time saddling me with a character it's making me dislike. There is a method towards making bad characters bearable, but the story doesn't have the delicacy to do it. I need to really get inside Diamond Tiara's head, think what she thinks, and actually understand her. This story feels like it has no idea how a bully should behave from their perspective, so it again contributes towards Diamond feeling not only dull, but also unlikeable. And that makes reading the story a chore, a chore I shouldn't have to sit through.

The characters that are likeable are the side characters introduced in chapters three and four, and I said as much in my previous review. However, while more thought seems to have gone into the OC's than the actual protagonist, it boils down to two chapters of solely introducing characters, none of which I'm given much time to get to know or remember. After Mal Cutpurse and Periwinke, not one character stayed in my head.

The story was also quick to do that think in highschool films where it separates groups of people into, well, groups. Stereotypes. I never liked that, but at the end of the day I feel I can forgive it. Combined with everything else, though, it becomes a minor niggle I don't want to give up.

That said, not everything was bad. Whilst not extraordinary, the writing was quite passable. The only real problem I had was the story's tendency to write ... as only two dots: ..

Obviously, this is wrong and it's done quite consistently. Noticeable grammar errors I'm prepared to associate with typos, not incompetence, so had the story been on par with the writing, I think I'd have accepted this story. Unfortunately, between me having nothing to like in the protagonist, a manipulative set of events without much depth to the characters, and far too many introductions I simply can't remember and certainly don't care about (I'd recommend introducing each character progressively as the story requires, instead of having Mal show everyone to Diamond in one chapter) I feel most of the story falls flat.

Good enough for Olympus, but not good enough for here, in my opinion.

4344328 2 weeks six days ago since last review, bud. I'm going to want a progress update on what's going on at this point. I understand school and stuff gets in the way, but if you can't make regular reviews, then try making a point of informing me instead of leaving me in the lurch.

4191074

Well, I practiced. Now what do you think?

4412681
You know Hap, I was just about to P.M. you. All of my major work is out of the way! I'll get to work on my next review when I get home. School just let out. Hopefully I won't be rusty.

Also, one week until Summer Vacation ! Can't wait!

Read: A queens regret

By: ozzyozborn7

Not going to be too harsh, but come on man. Is there's anything that you would hope to nail it would be the title.

A queens regret

Not trying to be super critical, but that title should be, “A Queen's Regret”.

Now, here we have another story highlighting the events post Canterlot Wedding, honestly this has been done so many times before it's ridiculous, but I'll go over why this one stands out.

Like I said, it's been done so many times must would slam the Cliché label on it and be on their way. But from the beginning we can see that this one will take a new direction, from what I've read at least.

Death is a cruel goddess, allowing life to be born into our world only to be taken away in an instant. Death is the inevitable and unforgiving force in nature, watching, waiting for the right moment to strike us when we’re at our weakest points, taking those close to us into an eternal slumber from which they will never wake…

There it is. All of the exposition away from the story in the form of a quote worthy of Edgar Allen Poe. To some that's a relief that the scene it set which makes easy for the real meat of the story, and for others it takes away since you've basically taken what makes a story out of the story. For me it tells what this story is going to be all about. And from reading that, it's going to be tragic.

So we find Chrysalis limping through wherever she is battered and bloodied from the Canterlot invasion. The mane six did her in good, which she repeatedly damns for foiling her plans. She then stumbles upon a horrifying sight, unless you're used to most games on the market today, her channeling children stewing in their own blood.

The author often refers to Chrysalis as their mother, again fine before, she it's because of this point of view that we can attempt to grasp the true gravity of what she has seen. I can't relate to how she feels, bit I can highlight it. No mother should have to witness their child's death, in a cartoon, fanfic, or in real life. It's a traumatizing experience, which I was taken out of...

He was dragging himself over to her, missing his wings and barely breathing, leaving a green mess behind him.

That... came... out... of... left field. I was just going on about how no mother should lose a child then I see one of them still alive... crawling leaving a path of green entrails behind him! What a twist! Really, this is what set this one apart. If it weren't for the quote in the beginning it would be this. Displaying a dying child... wow...

Getting code l close to closing here, there is just one thing I need to cover. If you read my thread about changing me l my criteria then you'd know that I highlighted sentence fluency. Well, lemme pull some examples...

Chrysalis ran over to the young changeling, grabbing him into a deep embrace.

She looked herself over more thoroughly, thinking about what to do as she did.

Just these two, they're not bad, their editor did a for job, but they still feel like an extra word is needed not needs to be removed.

Compiling all that I have said I would like to Accept this. Not a bad, yet overused, idea, it felt a little awkward due to diction choices, and no noticeable grammatical inconsistencies. See, it pays to have an editor.

I'm Man on the Moon and thanks for reading...

4413794 Thank you and I will fix those errors right away.