Hurtful Words
Demonic Dragon

This is the first story to be reviewed by SFG. No preference of reviewer has been stated, so this first review will be performed by Spike! Spike will be written by Hope and will be the first review performed on this story. Additional reviews will be at the choice and convenience of other reviewers.

The review will be written as soon as the 10 story first round is filled and the submission folder is closed.

6044147
Just dropping in to ask you to make some corrections, Hope. This thread is going to be the thread for the entire test cycle, not just this one story. I'd appreciate it very much if you changed the title of the thread, thanks. Also, to make it more obvious, please enlarge the font of the story and and the author's name, as well as state that you are the 1st review for this story, not just the character reviewer in general. Hope that clears things.

6044602
Better? Hehe
I'll delete both our comments to clean up the thread once I know it's better.

6044147
Hurray.

6045645
Better but I don't think it's necessary to delete our comments. Help keep other critics informed in the meantime while I come up with a proper format.

So I only noticed yesterday that the submission question has been filled, and so as Hope announced with the thread title, this is the first review cycle of the newly christened Spike's First Glance Review Cycle. The following stories will be going through the review process:

1. Rainbow Tears by Hope, you cheeky bugger

2. "Hurtful Words" by Demonic Dragon

3. How Could I Forget...? by Saberking2012

4. My Wing Will Keep You Safe by Brony250

5. The End of Immortality by DemonBrightSpirit

6. Il Duce e la Principessa by GIULIO

7. Essenza di Amore by Cerulean Voice

8. The Pieces Like Where They Fell by Evilhumour

9. The Good, The Bad and The Princess by BorealStargazer

10. When it Rains by GreyGuardPony

NOTICE!!

4. My Wing Will Keep You Safe by Brony250

This is the item list number 4 in the submission folder, 1st Glance by Chrysalis, written by Blankscape.

To expound, no preference of reviewer has been stated, so this first review will be performed by Chrysalis, because I happened to be writing a current chapter from her perspective ATM. Chrysalis will be written by Blankscape and will be the first review performed on this story. Additional reviews will be at the choice and convenience of other reviewers.

2. Hurtful Words by Demonic Dragon review.
1st glance of this story.
Written by Spike.

When I heard that there were ponies, er... people (don't want to exclude my fellow dragons and other non ponies of course) writing stories about Twilight and her friends, I kind of brushed it off. I mean... they're famous. It's the whole reason Twi has an "unauthorized biography" section in the library.

But when I heard I was included in some of these stories? Well... I had to take a look, you know? Check a few of them out. See if I was being shown as awesome as I am! I know, I know. A little too much Rainbow in that, but who can blame me? The mare has her own fan club, she's clearly doing something right.

Anyway, the stories about me. I found one, and I read it. Holy Stars, I just...

First off, some of you think I'm waaay better at fighting than I am. Really, I've thrown fits before, Twilight just picks me up off the ground. No magic, and my fire can only go so far.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure that Twilight could reconstruct the book somehow, and I'd be absolutely destroyed if I burned that journal. Like, I'd come to her sobbing, seriously. I've written in it too! It's the most meaningful book I've ever touched!

And another thing, I think "Die, you bucking dragon" would be the point where I'd give up on life. The orphan bit and wishing she'd never hatched me... okay, I won't lie. I cried a lot reading this. But dang. Some harsh Nightmare Moon level stuff in there.

But getting to the actual conflict between us... this made me think, a lot. Seriously, Pinkie popped in to try and get me to stop staring off into the distance. I'm getting close to my technical "teen" years, where I could change. I'm starting to stick up for myself, and be more confident. What if something drives a wedge between me and the most important pony in my life? I think I'm going to go sit down with Twilight and talk about the future.

Three Spikes for being thought-provoking, and making me look like a tough dragon that could take Twilight on. But only three Spikes because... ow. Ow my heart, you know?

-Spike

1. Rainbow tears review.
1st glance of this story.
Written by Spike.

Rainbow tears. Bleh.

I read this one because after the last one I wanted one without me in it. Seemed reasonable, but I'm so incredibly disappointed.

This was a writing exercise, wasn't it? A bunch of purple prose all shoved together in the shape of a frowny face. Yeah, I know what purple prose is! My big sister is the Princess of Books! I know, friendship, but it's a fun joke between us that she's the princess of books.

Oh yeah, Princess. Alicorn. Twilight's not going to die, and even if you wrote this before that was public, where the buck am I?! I'm a dragon! I'm probably going to live for a couple hundred years minimum, so I'd be around to chill with Dash!

Besides, romanticizing suicide? Come on, writer, this whole story is just a big ploy to justify something that Rainbow would never do! You even talk about her friends and family and stuff. She's loyal, and even if she was too old to fly (doubtful that is possible) she'd get used to it!

Twilight told me once that writing a book is like making a meal. You have a main ingredient, then you have sides and spices and garnish. Let's say sadness is... alfalfa. Because I don't like alfalfa. This story is like being served a plate of soggy boiled alfalfa shaped like the word "sad."

I hope Scootaloo never ever reads this. You'll give her an emo complex or something, and she'll start wearing black with her rainbow hair from the fan club. Do you want that? Emo Scootaloo? Because I don't. I really don't. You're a bad pony, and you should feel bad.

Negative two Spikes. Or alternatively, two very sad Spikes and one angry Spike.

6050640 What does this mean exactly?

6051505
You're story is undergoing review, in fact it's almost done. If you meant something else, you'll have to explain what 'this' is first...

6051506 Ah, I see. I didn't quite understand if you meant a user named Chrysalis or something else.

4. My Wing Will Keep You Safe by Brony250

1st Glance of this story
Reviewed by Chrysalis
Written by Blankscape

Accompanying image provided to set the mood.

My invasion had been failure and my kingdom abandoned me, but strangely enough I could always count on donning a disguise and taking a leisurely stroll through Ponyville. Don’t misunderstand, I still hated every pony with an ardor of Helfire, but it was nice change from skulking in the shadows all the time.

Then I happened upon a stall by the hobbled remains of where a great tree once stood. It seemed it had been gutted with the intent of erecting a library which I found ironic and hypocritical. Even more of a laugh was that the dragon whelp mongrel that waited at Twilight Sparkle’s beck and call was helming the stall freshly set up, and yet had fallen asleep on his own watch! The idiot.

Having already fed myself courtesy of Sweet Apple Acres and with nothing better to do, I lifted the first book off the meager collection on the shelf and glanced within. Just to indulge the whelp as the sign so claimed it was a ‘First Glance’ workshop. By the Hive Mothers, it was…fiction, about real ponies no less! How debasing! And I say ‘glance,’ but I had inadvertently forced myself to finish it to the end. A good changeling never leaves work unfinished.

The story was a simple one. The Apple filly, Applebloom, was forced to take shelter in Twilight’s tree library one dreadfully stormy night, the thought of which reminded me of the tree which no longer stood there. Hmmm, but I digress.

It was a middling story at best, though the impact was there nonetheless. Applebloom took the lead as we chiefly peered into her perspective first, but this literary design was superseded by Twilight’s own point of view and the imposed underlying desire to feel wanted and needed like a mother. This transformed the filly into a small character that resembled nothing more than a whining dog, one who tended to wail at lighting and thunder like such a dog whenever the chance presented itself. It was almost unbearable. To the uninitiated, it tugs at the heartstrings well. To a Changeling Queen such as myself, the efforts were blatant and unabashed, the work of a budding novice at best. That isn’t to say the story had no impact on me… To be precise, less of an impact and more of a flurry of feathers that somehow tickled my emotions even as I held them well beneath a mental guard. Regardless, such an effort would scarcely qualify for the position of a low-rung infiltrator in my retinue, much less my secretary. Were any pony foal to come into said writer’s care, I would pray for the foal.

Many more unhinging details and inconsistencies that break immersion posed themselves in the story here and there, and they have been noted for the author in a separate list.

In summary the experience was pleasant for what it was. A longer piece of writing than it should have been in this changeling’s opinion, and something that will be forgotten in the long run by one such as I who holds things to high standards. That said, on the prospect of writing stories for foals, I implore the author to stay within this realm, and should they think to try branching out, strong improvements should be made and great consideration should be given before they do.

Blankscape's Final Verdict: Three out of Five (3/5) sleeping mustachioed Spikes...just pretend they are snoring...loudly.

NOTICE!!

3. How Could I Forget...? by Saberking2012

This is the item list number 3 in the submission folder, 1st Glance by Chrysalis, written by Blankscape.

To expound, no preference of reviewer has been stated, so this first review will be performed by Chrysalis, because I happened to be writing a current chapter from her perspective ATM. Chrysalis will be written by Blankscape and will be the first review performed on this story. Additional reviews will be at the choice and convenience of other reviewers.

3. How Could I Forget...? by Saberking2012

1st Glance of this story
Reviewed by Chrysalis
Written by Blankscape

The review is in the cycle thread.

Accompanying image provided to set the mood.

And here I was, back again at this miserable stall. Not because I desired to be, dear mother, no... I simply had nothing else to do. I had just completed finishing touches to my decidedly lonely hive for one, and boredom was an insidious and excruciating trespasser that insisted on rooming with me. I refused to be in its company any longer! And so again, here I was.

Unsurprisingly, the dragon whelp mongrel who helmed the stall was asleep once again. The idiot, his consistent ineptitude earned a chuckle from me, and so helping myself, I picked another story out from his meager collection.

This time, it was a story about the well-off pink ground pounder brat in the curious setting of a…parallel world inhabited by...'hoomans?' Oh, this was rich! And how was that word pronounced exactly... Nonetheless I read on with no heed to the confounded lingo of Equestrian fantasy, and much to my surpise--very rarely was I ever surprised--what I had read impressed me so. And that was a remarkable phrase in and of itself. ‘Me’ and ‘impressed’ used in combination. Even more rare than being surprised!

I am a changeling queen, a master infiltrator who had undergone arduous trials to rise above many other potential candidate princesses, some more unfeeling and ruthless than I. But the pleasantly heartfelt story I had just partaken of chinked the armor that guarded my emotions from intrusive manipulations, psychic, magickal or otherwise. An enjoyable ten minutes passed, and this story I had read tugged this changeling queen and master infiltrator's heartstring more than I can admit in half a thousand words.

Even so, it was not without flaws. Only a hoofful of them, some jarring but not too disruptive. A few strange choices of words and phrasing. Though, it had in most part to do with lack of setting the scene, and muggers and heartless passerby strangely roaming about the streets of this version of Equestria. These two offenders did somewhat dispel my immersion. But most glaring of these minor flaws was the audacity and ridiculousness of hearing the sound a smile makes! A SMILE MAKING A SOUND! There was no written cue for this smile to make a sound. It was so awful, it was fantastic! But as much as it did amuse me, a flaw was still a flaw, and they did detract from the story's overall quality, but not significantly so.

Further reading of the footnote told me this had been written for Mother's Day. Thoughts of my own mother surfaced as a vision from my own long drawn-out hall of memories as a single tear shed. As much as I was loath to admit, I was not immune to fluffy tearjerkers.

As I wiped the tear before it could run down my muzzle, a glance at the name of the author quirked curious surprise within me. It was penned by Saberking2012… Hmm, the nom de plume struck a chord… It was an author who had written a terrible story an associate of mine had the displeasure of stumbling upon. This was certainly a surprise. I had no previous experience with this author, and yet word of mouth from my associate concerning a particular altercation painted this author in an unpleasant and arrogant light... Curious indeed. I made a note of it in mind to purse around for this terrible story and see if his judgment of it were valid and sound.

Regardless I had fallen upon this particular title yarely, mind lucid and objective, and it must be said...I cannot doubt the merit this story deserves.

Blankscape's Final Verdict: Four out of Five (4/5) pleasantly surprised Trollestias.

Additional thoughts for the author from the review writer, who is me, not Chrysalis.

It's way better written than your other story. I did my best to judge it objectively and fairly even though that's not what Hope had in mind for the newly-christined SFG circle I did not give this a good mark just to even things out and divert the flak from standing by BatwingCandlewaxxe's critic. 'How Could I Forget' genuinely deserved a high mark. 'A Missing Piece' didn't. What got my dander up was simply because you misinterpreted his objectivity as insult and left on an misunderstanding. That is all.

6055909 not gonna lie. It took me a good min before I realize this was the review. Uh... anyways, I'm glad we didn't end on a bad note. I'll admit your comment about me being arrogant is off-putting but considering what you saw first, I can't blame you. Anyways, thanks.

6056000

I'll admit your comment about me being arrogant is off-putting but considering what you saw first

This was what I was telling Hope about! Writing as show characters won't deflect attention from users when reviews go unexpectedly!

And no sweat, just keep improving.

6056012 Noted. Anyways, thank you for your time.

6056012
Okay, okay, it won't deflect attention from us, but... It's fun, isn't it?

6058915
Yeah, yeah. Did have fun writing as Chrysalis

6058915

not to prod, but how is mine coming along?

6071446
I had a few weeks of excitement (Quit my job, thank goodness my wife is understanding.) but I'm hoping to work through the next couple soon. I'll prod "Chrissy" to see if we can knock out the rest of the cycle in the next month or so.

6071542

Cool

6071542

I had a few weeks of excitement (Quit my job, thank goodness my wife is understanding.)

Yikes, I hope everything is working out for you.

6071542

Can't wait.

So uh, any news? It's been a month of radio silence.

6131977

When I read this, for some reason, I heard dial up tones from the old days in my head.

I guess, they're still connecting?

6159718
I had put this infernal sound out of my head.

Now you've reminded me of it.

Why.

6071542

Not to be a pest, but how goes?

6071542

How goes the review process?

6071542

Asking again, how does it go?

Not sure how life has been treating Blankscape, but I've been unable to look at pony stories more than occasionally working on the one I've been writing. If we had a couple more people to help with reviews, and if we had people coming by to look at them it might be easier to set aside time to review a story, but as it stands the only people who look at this group are people who want their stories reviewed, and even then there's no real interaction between us and the author, often just a "ok" which makes it hard to judge if we're doing something people like or not.

The pony fandom has been shrinking over time, meaning that it's hard to vie for the attention of the people still here, as they likely already have their preferred sources for content.

Nonetheless, I do hope to finish this cycle and then recruit a couple more reviewers, it just is taking longer than I would have liked.

>>>>REVIEW<<<<
5. The End of Immortality by DemonBrightSpirit
1st glance review
Reviewed by Spike
Written by Hope

The review is in thecycle thread.

Image included to blatantly copy Chrysalis. See, I can look cool too!

So first off, Chryssy stole my laptop. Jerk. I got a new one though, and decided to make a little time to do another one of these reviews!

I chose the next story in line, number 5, The End of Immortality. Ugh, just the title... Like, I had to work myself up to read it, because it was clearly going to be sad. But sometimes that's what we want out of a story! So I pushed myself to do it, and I certainly got what I came for. The dialog is a little jarring when it switches to Luna's narration, and the dialog in general is very straightforward, very "I feel this, and this is what I will do!" People and ponies lie, try to say what will make people happy, and all that. So it felt a little stilted. I thought maybe a slow court drama unfolding over several chapters would have been interesting, but that's not what this story wants to do to you!

It wants to remind you that you are capable of crying, and that Luna is best Princess. Just kidding, obviously I'm Twilight's fan all the way, but Luna even in this story has a sort of grim determination to her, so firm in doing the right thing. Sure, it could be explained away as a few gallons of self loathing and poor self esteem, but in this case it's to-may-to, to-mah-to. The result is the same. A scorch mark on the floor and some charred feathers.

I ended up finishing the story, it does draw you in once you start reading, but I'm still not sure if I enjoyed it. I don't appreciate Shining's depiction, and I feel like all the important ponies shunning Luna so clearly and without any of them disagreeing is unlikely and even a little absurd, but it all serves to tell a very painful story of rejection.

I wonder what Chrissy would have thought of it. Wonder if she's still got my laptop, and if she's reading stories like this to convince herself ponies are all mean and uncaring.

I give this story three out of five Spikes. There's some improvement to make on the characterization and dialog, but it's an excellent story that leaves an emotional impact.

...still waiting.

6410694

As am I....

6286714

Hey, how goes the reviewing?

HEYO, we're still waiting.

6044147

Excuse me but it's nearly been a year at this point. Are you guys ever going to get to reviewing or not?

I'm not sorry for being rude as it has almost been a year.

6501554
I've been the only one trying to do reviews, there just isn't enough time for me to continue working on this group alone. So, I'm going to shut down the group, if someone else wants to take it up, feel free.

6501556

Well, ain't that a kick to the teeth. Again, I don't mean to be rude but after a year's wait to find out you're closing down without at least finishing off the first batch of reviews is a bit frustrating. I understand you have your own life and you can't do this by yourself but an earlier notice would have been nice.

6501696
Fine, I'll write your review, and I'll never do a single review again after it.

Review:
Written by Hope, in the style of Spike.
The pieces lie where they fell, by Evilhumor

A few quick tips right off the bat, buddy.
Lie is the action, lay is the state, Twilight would NOT let me hear the end of that one, so the title really should be, "The pieces lay where they fell" since you are using "fell" in past tense, thus not the action, but the state. If you wanted to use Lie because it sounds cooler, or you're going to pull some thing on Lie's dual meaning, then use "Fall" as in "The pieces lie where they fall" which makes it all current tense.
Also, Chapter Zero? Dude, really? It's called a prologue, In fact, you're doing the definition of a prologue, a scene or establishing shot before the main action. Don't try that hard to be edgy, Chrysalis might fall in love with you.

"What happened next would reshape the face of..... But that's not this story."

Why? Why not have the fun adventure story of ponies rising up, new heros being born? A brave DRAGON who survived the blast out of sheer awesomeness seeking revenge for his sister's death? That'd be so cool! But no, Apocalypse stories are soooo much more fun. *sarcasm*

Moving on to the actual start of the story, we have... A snarky hero who doesn't like others and always has a quip to say. Of course. I mean, I suppose I'd want to be that sort of character too, but then she deconstructs the social heirarchy of the city she's in as though it's meaningless. There is a reason those social orders exist. Someone is enforcing them, because they have something to gain from them. Money, power, and if you buck those systems you get hurt or killed. Her blase approach certainly makes for a suave character, but in most cases it's not as simple as "Ignore the system and the system can't hurt you."

Then... She picks security gates because she doesn't want the sun in her eyes. Is this the villain? Is she secretly the one we're supposed to hate? Because she sounds like a version of Rarity without her redeeming features.

"The changeling beggars were already nervous for obvious reasons."
Obvious to who? Not to me, that's who. If they're allowed to live here, then why is the festival any worse for them than any other day, we aren't told. We just get it's name. Also, they lost their leader in the kaboom too, so I doubt they would have carried on a long term war, or refrained from disguising themselves to feed on love like they always had.

Or are they reformed? Nah, I doubt it.
Since the story doesn't describe them.

Then she switches from being suave and easily manipulating a scared (But then not scared?) guard pony into letting her skip the line WITHOUT ACTUALLY SEARCHING HER BAG somehow, to being a complete idiot on the street. I get it, rich jerks didn't tell her where to go, and she had a bad map, but... signs? Probably in the castle district near the castle, since it's the Great Library with a capital G and L, and is likely a major fixture of the city?

Nope, I get it. You needed to have her meet another character, but that character was going to the library anyway, it just doesn't feel natural.

Oh no, he said he's a "nice guy" which means they're going to have a contrived romance. I'm going to stop reading there.

I'll be honest, 50+ chapter stories make me wary. they are usually bloated with unnecessary dialogue and actions which don't move the plot forward, but just pad the character out to try and make them seem cooler without any real development. I'm not gonna read 50 chapters for a review, no matter who holds a gun to my head.

The writing isn't bad. You've got the ability to write a scene, and lots of internal dialogue, but your characters feel very heavily stacked. I don't get the feeling that these characters could exist as they are in Equestria, they feel more like someone wanted Luna's mystique, Rarity's ego, Discord's uniqueness, and my raw charisma, so they put them in a blender and made a character. Getting lost isn't a weakness when it's pinned on someone else, and since the story is written from her point of view, it's hard to take anything she says or does to heart. It doesn't feel like there are stakes, or like she's emotionally invested. Everything is casual and kind of boring.

Learn to play with tension in your writing. Tension makes comedy, fear, and adventure worth while. Let your character be uncertain, let your characters meet in less than ideal situations, or let a character be ordinary, so the system applies to them, and they are vulnerable.

Keep writing, keep getting better.

I give it 2 out of five Spikes, it would have been 3 but I'm in a bad mood.