As you all know, the contest finished up last week. We’ve spent a good deal of time reading over all the entrants. Unfortunately, the results are late by a couple days. We apologize for the delay and hope you can forgive us.

Additionally, for this contest, Wanderer D was unable to judge the stories due to personal reasons. We’re sure many of you keep up with his blogs, so you know what we’re talking about.

Now, before we start, mad props to CSquared, who did all the nerdy number-crunching for these results. Go give him hugs. Or something.
I dunno if messed-up dolphins even like hugs

So, without further ado, we bring you the results of the January Writing Contest!

To start this off, here’s nice compilation of all eighteen entrants into this contest plus the one bonus entrant that went straight into the Longfic competition.

Where Cold Winds Blow by ProfCharles
Winter of Our Hatred by Joural
Tales of Young Equestria by reflexrex
Love’s Powers Lost by ZoidbergIsBestPony
Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder
Equestrian Tales Told by Tavernlight by TalonMach5
A Hyena’s Laugh by Burraku_Pansa
Origins: Sphinxes by flutterdash1
Of Chaos and Spirits by M1Garand8
The Age of Night by John Hood
Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
Dog and Pony Show: Aftermath by KaraC
Lakes of Endless Sapphire by ChaosBrony93
The Shadows of the Everfree by xnecroespherex
The Last of Lapis Lazuli by Impossible Numbers
Heart of Stone by Cloudhammer (You changed your name! Shame on you! )
Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence
Of Druids and Mockingbirds by Jack-Pony

And the bonus Longfic entry:
The Gryphons: First Journey by ilvos01

So now that all have read the competition, it’s time for some statistics! We’ll start with the categorical winners.

Note: These scores are calculated as the average of all the score of all the judges in that particular category. So, for example, say John Doe wrote a story. If he received scores of 3, 3.75, 3.25, and 3.25 in Plot from the four of us, his score for Plot would be the average of those numbers, or 3.31.

PLOT
Honorable mentions:
3rd: Love, in all Its Forms by Obselescence
2nd: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess and A Hyena’s Laugh by Burraku_Pansa

And the highest score for Plot goes to...

The Age of Night by John Hood with an average score of 4.51! Nice job!

CHARACTERIZATION
Honorable mentions:
3rd: Love, in all Its Forms by Obselescence
2nd: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess

And the highest score for Characterization goes to...

Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder with an average score of 4.69! Sweet!

So how much are 2nd and 3rd place worth? After all, Obselescence and Educated Guess have placed in both categories so far. Let's carry on, shall we?

MECHANICS
Honorable mentions:
3rd: A Hyena’s Laugh by Burraku_Pansa
2nd: The Age of Night by John Hood

And the highest score for Mechanics goes to...

Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence with an average score of 4.81! Congratulations!

A 1st and two 3rd’s for Obselescence? Looks like he might be leading the pack. Then John Hood has a 1st and a 2nd while Educated Guess has a pair of 2nd’s. And a strong finish for B_P could push him to the top with his solid showing of a 2nd and a 3rd. Let’s continue on, shall we?

WORLD-BUILDING
Honorable mentions:
3rd: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
2nd: Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder

And the highest score for World-Building goes to...

The Age of Night by John Hood and Where Cold Winds Blow by ProfCharles with an average score of 4.69 each! Good job guys!

It’s looking pretty close based on these alone. John Hood appears to be in excellent position with two 1st’s and a 2nd. Educated Guess picked up another 3rd while MongolianFoodHoarder enters the picture with a 2nd to go along with his earlier 1st. Onward to the final category!

FITS-WITH-FiMVERSE
Honorable mentions:
3rd: The Age of Night by John Hood
2nd: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess

And the highest score for Fits-With-FiMverse goes to...

Of Chaos and Spirits by M1Garand8 and Where Cold Winds Blow by ProfCharles with an average score of 4.69 each! Very nice!

And that does it for the categories. It appears that John Hood and Educated Guess are in pretty good position. They appeared in four of those five top three’s, after all.

So, while you try and figure out the winner, we shall move on to some fun little statistics on the judges! Yes, that’s right. The judges.

Overall, the harshest judge was yours truly (god, I'm such a bastard ), giving out the lowest average score of 3.62.
Giving just a few points more was Denim_Blue (not quite as big a bastard), who gave out an average score of 3.63.
Next up is RainbowBob, giving out an average score of 3.67.
And finally, your kindest judge was Csquared08, who gave out an average score of 3.73.

Add all this up, and that comes out to an average score of 3.65 given per story. This is a good benchmark for the lot of you. The idea now is to set goals for yourselves. Be the guy who improves the average in a month. If all of you strive for that, the only way to go is up.

Now for some more fun with judging statistics, this time for the categories!

PLOT
Plum - 3.65
Denim - 3.67
Bob - 3.74
C^2 - 3.78

And that comes out to an average score of 3.71 per story in Plot, which is above the overall average score of 3.65, making this a relatively strong category. Nicely done.

CHARACTERIZATION
Denim - 3.34
Bob - 3.51
Plum - 3.53
C^2 - 3.63

And that comes out to an average score of 3.50. That’s quite a bit lower than the overall average. Looks like you guys struggled a bit here. I’d suggest taking a look at the category winners to see what they did right.

MECHANICS
Plum - 3.60
Denim - 3.61
Bob - 3.63
C^2 - 3.65

And that comes out to an average score of 3.62. That’s very close to the average, so not bad.

WORLD-BUILDING
Plum - 3.68
Bob - 3.76
C^2 - 3.78
Denim - 3.79

And that comes out to an average of 3.75. That makes this your strongest category by far, which is a very good thing. This is the purpose of the group, after all.

FITS-WITH-FiMVERSE
Bob - 3.53
Plum - 3.56
Denim - 3.71
C^2 - 3.76

And that comes out to an average of 3.64, almost exactly on the overall story average of 3.65.

So, in sum, not bad for a first contest. As far as the averages are concerned, you all wrote solid stories. Nicely done.

Yeah, yeah, we know, but once CS sees numbers...

Anyway...

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

The top three stories in the January Writing Contest are...

Coming in third place, earning a spot in feature box...

Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence, edging out fourth place by a mere .05!

Coming in second place, featuring bananas and pineapples...

Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess, edging out third by a mere .01!

And now for the big winner, the undisputed ruler of the world, the almighty champion of Equestria, we bring to you...

Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder with a score of 4.42! It was a tight race, but the winner stands before you, triumphant. Let’s hear what the judges have to say about this one:

PLOT

Denim:
You did a great job at giving a basic setup up the story and were able to pull me in rather quickly. Events moved at a steady pace, and I didn't feel rushed or like I was being pushed towards a particular scene at any point.

C^2:
I sense a grand story of political upheaval on the horizon. Tor Razorwing seems like one who shall change the gryphon culture drastically. Everything moved along nicely and fit together well.

Bob:
Political intrigue, new revolution, and the destruction of class separation. That's what I saw in the first chapter, and I'm excited for more.

Plum:
While we're just beginning to see the story emerge, what's there is very promising. Lots of political scandal mixed with a wee bit of action makes a very interesting introduction.

CHARACTERIZATION

Denim:
I really liked your two main characters here. Their opposing personalities were easy to distinguish, and the fact that they were (at least to an extent) friends was amusing. This also made dialogue easier to follow, since I was able to picture who would have said such things ahead of time after getting an initial impression of the two.

C^2:
Working with OCs is always a challenge. However, here, you've created two entirely distinct characters that work surprisingly well together. Fantastic job on that end.

Bob:
Your OCs had unique personalities and contrasted each other many times, making dialogue much more interesting. Distinct likes and dislikes for each really moved this story along.

Plum:
Tor Razorwing being a noble who despised what nobility has become and Gareth Stonetalon being the political worm trope are both strong mains. Adding in Rovena the shamed eagless and you've got a nicely balanced group of interesting characters who kept me hooked.

MECHANICS

Denim:
I really enjoyed the back and forth between characters; it helped create a vivid picture of their personalities, and it spoke volumes of the world they grew up in.

On top of that, you used some imagery, whether it was to describe a particular character, the setting, or even set the tone of a character's feelings without directly saying so.

C^2:
Your pacing was solid and the dialogue well-written, but your its/it's confusion bothered me a bit. Additionally, after you had introduced the characters and described them to us, you had a bit of excessive LUS. Still, overall, your mechanics were solid.

Bob:
Dialogue was spot on in the story. Pacing was finely tuned and both characters contrasted each other for a really good overall effect.

Plum:
Mostly solid with good use of descriptors, but an over-abundance of personal pronouns confused me at the start. Could have used some more exposition to avoid confusion when mentioning a gryphon's grey wings and expecting the reader to know which one you're talking about.

WORLD-BUILDING

Denim:
You really put some effort into building this world, and it shows. My only gripe, if you want to call it one, is that I'm still a little foggy on how they view Celestia and/or the Griffons' standing with Equestria. It's peaceful, obviously, but do the countries treat each other with equality, or does one see themselves above the other?

That aside, I really like the world you created here, and do want to see more in the future!

C^2:
Hoboy. You did a great job of establishing so many different aspects of gryphon culture. From politics to cultural standing to ceremonial blades, everything was set up wonderfully.

Bob:
From this story I can accurately see how gryphon politics work and the distinct class separation that dictates their lives. Really nice job on all cultural aspects too, and I can't wait to see more of this world you've created.

Plum:
The class system of the gryphons is a great idea so far. Uppity lowborns, down-to-earth highborns and a whole class of ostracised gryphons? Colour me intrigued.

FITS-WITH-FiMVERSE

Denim:
I can see this fitting with Equestria rather easily, at least in an Equestria with a more 'mature-minded' setting. Corrupted government, poverty and crime, and other vices that are common place in the real world can be placed into Equestria, but doing so without making it feel forced is not so easy. For all we know, Equestria is still the uptopia that it seems to be in the show in this story and the Griffons are just like this with running their own affairs.

C^2:
While I can easily see gryphon culture being this way, this society you've developed here seems rather dark and gritty by Equestrian standards, especially regarding the blazed. While that's really not that big a deal, it does lower your score here a bit.

Bob:
While Equestria is normally a peaceful world, the gryphons sure aren't. Bleak and near humorless, with a corrupted government and class divisions dividing the people, this is a clear contrast to the normally bright a sunny world of Equestria, but still an overall good effect. I can definitely see this working in a way for the realism of gryphons.

Plum:
I can't see any real problems with incorporating this into someone's headcanon, but the inclusion of the blazed makes it unlikely to be included in the show proper, hence the small knockdown.

And there you have it. There’s our winner. Go give him and the others all of your praise and adoration!

But wait! We’re not done just yet! Let’s take a look at each judge’s top three rated stories for funsies.

Csquared08’s Top Three:
1st: Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder
2nd: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
3rd: The Age of Night by John Hood

ScreenedPlum’s Top Three:
1st: Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder
2nd: Of Chaos and Spirits by M1Garand8
3rd: Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence

Denim_Blue’s Top Three:
1st: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
2nd: Fire on the Mountain by MongolianFoodHoarder
3rd: Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence

RainbowBob’s Top Three:
1st: Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
2nd: Love, in All Its Forms by Obselescence
3rd: The Age of Night by John Hood

IMPORTANT
If you wish to view your scores and comments, just post a comment here asking or PM me at some time. I’ll send you a PM with the information.

Cheers!
~ The World-Building Alliance Admin Team

PS: Stay tuned for honorable mentions!

705748 I'm interested in receiving my score please

Now, before we start, mad props to CSquared, who did all the nerdy number-crunching for these results. Go give him hugs. Or something.

I dunno if messed-up dolphins even like hugs

HEY NOW! It's a shark!

Yeah, yeah, we know, but once CS sees numbers...

Well, I feel exhausted accomplished reading so many awful awesome stories from so many talentless skilled authors. Great job everyone!

705748
I'd like my score and comments too.

Also, I'm surprised and happy that I'm tied first for the Original Flavor category. It's one of the aims I've strived for when writing for FiM, after all.

I have great ideas, I think, for this universe I'm building and let's hope I can get better.

I'd personally like to see some of the judges' comments on more than just the winner, if possible.

Wait. I came joint first in two categories? Are we in the bizzaro universe or something? I wasn't expecting to place at all, let alone two firsts. And in world building and fits-with-fimverse? The two (in my mind) most important categories.

I am astounded at the benevolence of the judges towards this hack of an author.

705899 Second me for this as well, I'm interested in seeing what the judges thought of some of the other stories as well.

...

there was much useless crud in this post.

That said, I've got a few quickfics to read now! That's always a good sign! :D

705989
Hey, now! Numbers don't lie, nor can you argue with them all that much. It makes things clear and simple and provides a firm starting point. With these numbers, all of you have an idea of where you stand and what the group as a whole did well and struggled with. You have an idea of what to keep on doing and what you need to improve. And you have examples of stories that did particular sections well. And you know you need to impress Plum if you want to win. All in all, the numbers meant something. You just have to put some thought into them to figure it all out.

706000

But it would be more helpful to spend more time talking about the problems you saw than to give us raw numbers. Numbers are fine, but only helpful to accountants.

>mfw I see the results
No friggin' way. I could either go the ass route, or the honorable route...

But, in all seriousness, thank you. It is an honor to have my submission taken in such high regard. Winning was the farthest from my mind, and I am completely taken by surprise by the results. I am incredibly happy at the successes of not just my own work, but of my fellow wordsmiths who had placed as well. Good show, my friends.

*hugs all the judges*

You guys did a wonderful job, I'm so happy! (even though mine wasn't mentioned) I hope I speak for everyone on the board when I say we really appreciate you guys and all your hard work. (math ... well, just numbers in general make my head hurt())

I as well would like to see my score and comments, just to see what kind of things I need to focus on for the next chapter of DaPS: Aftermath. (yes, my evil editor() goaded me into attempting to continue it)

706048
There's no need to publicize all the comments; some were rather harsh. So we gave out averages to give a general idea and then left it up to you guys if you wanted to see the comments on your entries. After all, a lot of you managed to struggle with different things, so we couldn't exactly generalize a bunch of comments on why a low score might be given. And in the same fashion, a lot of you managed to do different things well, which again made it hard to generalize.

Numbers are fine, but only helpful to accountants.

Uh, no. Numbers are helpful no matter what you do. Engineers, chemists, teachers, biologists, doctors, competition judges... The list goes on and on.

If you wish to continue, PM's work better.

705748

May I see my results and any other information relevant to my fic, please?

706078

Would just like to say that, while numbers do give a relative approximation of standing, they don't really provide an understanding of what could've been improved upon, what was done well, etc. All of which'd be rather important when you're in the business of writing words.

Getting, say, a 3 in Mechanics, doesn't really tell an author much about what they did right or wrong, or even what the Mechanics they're being graded on were. It's hard to understand how contestants are supposed to improve upon their writing for future contests if the judging is kept from the public view. I guess we can at least see our own scores, but it seems like it'd be beneficial for all authors if we can see how various works are graded by the judging criteria.

Also, if people weren't prepared to be judged for what they wrote, they probably wouldn't have entered a contest, so the relative harshness value of some of the comments isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Also also, I would indeed like to see my own judging.

706131
Every score given by every judge carries a comment. And there's also the matter of space. That much scrolling to see all those comments? With only comments for one of the eighteen, the post was long. Imagine the post with the other seventeen sets of comments.

And as it stands, including you, six of those seventeen have already asked to see their comments.

I too would like to know what the judges thoughts were on my little story. Thank you for the opportunity to test my wits.

I tip my hat to the winners, and will make sure to take notes on what they did right...
so I can CRUSH them next time! Mua ha ha!!!

I'll be out for the feb contest, but if there's a march, I will put those notes to the test.

706180

If space is the concern, all the judging and individual scores could've been amalgamated into, like, a Google Doc, I guess? And you could've posted a link to that. Just as a suggestion.

Anyhow...

Publicly, all we see is the average scores in each category, which come without comments, and the comments on the winner's story. Privately, we can also ask for our own score/comments, but all total that still comes out to about a ninth of the judging. There're still about sixteen stories where we don't know what sort of things were seen as good in the judges' eyes, and what were seen as things to avoid.

Right now, we know that, on average, the scores in all categories were... roughly average. I'm not sure what that's intended to tell us, exactly.

I guess my issue with the judging process is that a solid chunk of it is being kept hidden from the public eye, and a slightly smaller chunk is being kept hidden from the private. That's not especially encouraging to me, as a submitter, because... well, I don't actually know what some of these categories are supposed to mean, or how I'm intended to meet them.

What exactly do the judges think deserves a good score in "World-Building"? What parts of the stories judged in this contest did the judges think were good examples of "World-Building"?

I don't know! And I can't be particularly optimistic about my odds of winning a contest at any point in the future if I'm not given a clear idea.

It just isn't super encouraging to me if I'm doing the rough equivalent of inserting a story into a slot machine and hoping I hit jackpot, so it seems like making sure people know what they're being judged on is important.

And if there are technical difficulties involved with showing people the judging, such as space, it seems like the focus should be on how those obstacles could be overcome, rather than say "Well, it would've been really long, so we didn't."

>mfw I didn't place at all
dreams crushed... will to try again fading...

eh. figured on mine sucking hardcore anyway

705748

Because it will help me improve as a writer, please PM me my score. K, thanks. Bye!

First thing I wanna say is congratulations to the winners and the honorable mentions =) Now that I see exactly how much work and competition I have (didn't really look too much into the stories before) I'll have to work my ass off for the March contest ^.^

Also I'd like to see my scores/comments if any are applicable =3

Welp, people were asking for a couple more results, so here are the other two that made up the top three

First up, we've got Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two

PLOT

Denim:
Well...I have to say, I really got into this, and while your story gave me several surprises and was rather slow about revealing a lot of things, you did well. I enjoyed the way events had unfolded, and how you made the tribe's history seem much older than it was.

The idea of a tribe of bananas dwelling in a cave, their shaman seeing signs of doom and gloom, and meeting a creature as big as a pineapple... it all mended together nicely, and I enjoyed how you managed to keep us guessing as to what the tribe's species was the entire time. Well done.

Also...that epilogue was rather humorous.

C^2:
The story concept here was really neat. It mixed in world-building and story-telling wonderfully. I also found the hints dropped along the way as to the race very nice, but the word "bananas" escaped me the entire time, much to my chagrin. In any event, this was a great little story. Well done.

Bob:
This story kept me guessing until the very end. Mystery race revealed, and it definitely wasn't what I expected, even with the hints, though that could just be my awful mystery solving skills. Excellent tale that hit the World-Building category nicely.

Plum:
A cute little tale. I had a hard time picturing the scale of the pineapple, and the mystery race, once revealed, made it even harder to imagine. Bananas and Pineapples have quite the size difference, so a pineapple scale would be colossal by banana standards, I'd imagine.

CHARACTERIZATION

Denim:
I loved the names you chose, though I'm really curious as to how and what inspired them to be given to bananas of all creatures. Heron, Rag, Soot, Sparrow...they're rather unique, and I like them, but I think that part in particular kept me guessing on what they're species was.

Rag held that typical air of an inexperienced hero; he had conviction, the trust of friends, but was still uncertain about if what the future held for his kin. A story that shows an imperfect character, especially one that's been seen by future generations as a great savior/hero, is the best kind of hero in my opinion.

C^2:
Rag was an excellent character. As Denim pointed out, his inexperience is what made him such a great character. That flaw combined with his great conviction made him really stand out well.

Additionally, the children were adorably cute. Gar was awesome. And Heron was great as an old story-teller.

Bob:
You just made me love Rag from the get go. Hero with great aspirations hindered by his own flaws and inexperience. Now that's a character I can get behind.

Plum:
The youth of Rag was a great boon to his personality, but he did appear a bit odd at times (breaking into tears instantaneously, for example).
Helps that the kids were cute as hell, though.

MECHANICS

Denim:
The way you had the bananas like Rag speak was fitting, and it felt both poetic yet simple at the same time, if that makes sense. You made this emphasis even clearer by comparing the language of old-times with the present day language.

C^2:
The pacing was solid, and the grammar sound. My only issue was the use of hyphens instead of em dashes. Other than that, this was very structurally sound.

Bob:
Dialogue was spot on a fresh, with the pacing all nice and steady. Only real complaint was no spaces in between the paragraphs, but other than that it was all good.

Plum:
Decent enough. As CS mentioned, hyphens/em dashes are a thing. On occasion, Rag seemed a bit robotic in his speech.
Otherwise, good.

WORLD-BUILDING

Denim:
A lot of things I could touch upon here, but I'll try to keep it brief. Your use of a tribal system was great; I could see bananas, who live such short lives (in comparison to pineapples especially) would not form a system that is meant to be built up too much over time.

I'm really curious about exactly when this story takes place (both the story itself, and the 'present' day time). You mentioned Manehatten, but that still offers a large gap of time for us to go off of.

Again, the names were interesting, and I'm really curious as to where you got the idea for them. Sure, they're namely object names, but still very interesting in their own right.

C^2:
Banana culture really took off here. From shamans to the way they group together as tribes to form a larger kingdom, banana culture was built up rather well. Additionally, the specific tale here, the story of Rag, introduced a lot of interesting lore. There was lots of good stuff to see here. Well done.

Bob:
I instantly got hooked on the banana culture, with shamans being a topic I particularly enjoyed. Tribes were also another subject you introduced that I think you pulled off nicely.

Plum:
The use of bananas as a species was interesting, to say the least. Shamanism is an interesting topic, too.
However, there wasn't a lot that happened elsewhere.
We learnt of one tribe, in one species. There was a single pineapple too, but still. Needed to be a bit grander in scale for my liking.

FITS-WITH-FiMVERSE

Denim:
Considering that most of the animal species in Equestria demonstrate a high degree of sentience, I can easily see a group of bananas developing a culture, even if it hasn't been shown in the actual show to such a degree. The way you blended Equestria's world and put it in perspective of the bananas was well done.

C^2:
This was the sort of origin story I can really see fitting in very well with Equestria. Everything works out very well with the universe presented by the show.

Bob:
Banana culture as a whole can definitely be implemented in the show. The show universe and the one you used here I can easily see mixing well together.

Plum:
A cute little story, could easily turn up in-show. The rest of the banana civilisation, however, might be a bit harder to implement. We've seen bananas in-show, and not seen any real sign of such behaviour, but then again, we haven't seen much to contradict it. Ah well.

And here's #3, Love, in All its Forms by Obselescence.

PLOT

Denim:
Well...looks like we have another changeling origin story here. I guess I was expecting this ending (changelings seem to be surrounded by tragedy in fanfiction), but it was still nice.

There were a few details I feel were passed over. For one, HOW did Luna make Antumbra? Dark magic, apparently, but a little more explanation would work. Secondly, how did Celestia steal away Antumbra? Luna seemed to keep a close eye on the young changeling, after all.
(Spoilered, just to be safe)

All in all though, you did well with setting up the story and laying it out for us. Well done.

C^2:
From start to finish, this was a well-paced, well told story. From the creation of the changelings to how Antumbra steadily, if inadvertently, weakened Luna to the rise of Nightmare Moon, the story was engaging and quite entertaining.

Bob:
Wow, this is amazing. A changeling origin story with a spin on the concept I've never seen before. Antumbra and Luna's relationship really drove the story, with Celestia's misgivings a nice touch. You presented a lot to the table and left it in a way I was properly satisfied.

Plum:
Pretty damn impressive, I'll grant.
A few problems abound, like where Luna learnt the dark magic, and I'm always heavily opposed to that Tyrannical side of Celestia ("I've destroyed nations for less"), but still pretty good

CHARACTERIZATION

Denim:
Gah, it's hard not to side against Celestia here. I know Celestia was looking out for her little sister, and I like to believe that deep down she's a bit of a mama bear for Luna and her subjects. So, the harsh portrayal of her was not too hard to digest.

Luna seemed to be a little harder to accept, if only because at some point you think even she would have noticed her waning health and sought out some help. I suppose having her daughter was all she really cared for, considering this is taking place in the pre-Nightmare Moon days when she had no one to care much for her night.

Antumbra, though...yeah, she was an interesting creation. That innocence melded with a sharp mind was perfect for her, seeing as she likely THE mother of all changelings. Obviously she survived if others like Chrysalis came to be, so she had to be smart. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her and side against Celestia, even if the princess was doing the 'right' thing.

C^2:
Luna was great all the way throughout. Antumbra was a solid character as well. However, I had a big gripe with your portrayal of Celestia. She came across as very much like Tyrantlestia, a characterization of Celestia that really suffers when compared to canon. And this version was no different. I have a really tough time seeing Celestia completely ignore the emotions and feelings of Luna and Antumbra. She tried to control everything instead, which is very unlike Celestia. She prefers to give control to others while providing helpful advice along the way.

Bob:
While I'm not the biggest fan of the depressed Luna who thinks no one appreciates her, in this story you pulled it off really well. You even gave Celestia a cold yet loving personality that I just loved. And Antumbra had an interesting mix of innocence of a child, love for her mother, and hatred for Celestia that all gave her an interesting personality. The end I particularly enjoyed since you left many things open ended for the mother of changelings and the eventual Nightmare Moon turned Luna.

Plum:
Damn near spot-on with corrupted Luna. For some reason, she was lacking the Royal Canterlot Voice, though.
Celestia was good for the most part, aside from the tyrannical tendencies I mentioned earlier.
Antumbra was an interesting one. Her hatred of Celestia outweighing her love for her mother is an interesting development for one who feeds on such things.

MECHANICS

Denim:
More or less the same as Plum. Nothing really popped out at me, aside from indentations. I guess it can be subjective with using them, but I tend to side with prose having them when starting a new paragraph. You definitely did some re-reading here; it shows with the level of care in how it was done.

C^2:
Only thing that keeps it from perfect, as far as I could see, was the lack of indentations. Yeah, that's mostly a stylistic thing, but I think most people prefer the indents.

Bob:
Perfect in all subject in my opinion. Pacing was terrific, spelling and grammar were spot on, and the dialogue flowed naturally. Well done.

Plum:
Damn near perfect. Only thing I would debate is the lack of indentations for paragraphs.

WORLD-BUILDING

Denim:
Well, I do have a few problems here, which I touched upon in the plot. Obviously you gave a prelude to Nightmare Moon (which, by the way, was a nice touch, and I sensed hints of it coming).

The dark magic thing, namely, is my biggest question. How did Luna acquire these things?

Yes, she IS a princess, and likely has access to all of this, but where did it come from? How did she use this magic and the various ingredients to create life? Considering this is world-building here relating to origins, I feel a little more attention to these kinds of details could help.

The whole 'how did Antumbra survive' question isn't as big, since there is the possibility she met a creature and just took on a form to gain its trust/love for nourishment.

All in all, you did pretty well here.

C^2:
What's this? Two origin stories for the price of one? Not only do we get to see the birth of the changelings, but we also get to see Luna's fall into Nightmare Moon. Both stories made plenty of sense and both were well told.

Bob:
While a nice origin of the changelings story, it still left things really open ended. How exactly did Antumbra give birth to the rest of her race? How exactly did Luna acquire dark magic, and did it directly lead to her becoming more and more like Nightmare Moon? And how many nations did Celestia destroy, though this is just my minor curiosity and not much reflected on the score? Overall, an enjoyable read.

Plum:
While it is a very entertaining story about the origin of the first changeling, that still leaves vast amounts unsaid. I mean, where did the thousands of others come from?
The ending left us with a pretty big cliffhanger, and I would love to see what could be done with that.

FITS-WITH-FiMVERSE

Denim:
Antumbra, in my mind, seems to be the original queen of the changeling race. Though, I find it hard to see Celestia being able to banish a living thing that isn't intentionally trying to hurt Luna. I don't know, part of me likes to think that Celestia will always try to find an alternative to something like banishment or execution.

As for Luna, the changelings did invade Canterlot. It fits though, but it leaves a lot of filling-in for the reader. Not necessarily a bad thing, but considering Luna made no appearance during the attack to stop it. Considering this, and keeping in mind that she created the changelings, it creates a bit of an conflict with continuity.

C^2:
Thanks to the bit of dark magic from the Season 3 opener, I can easily see this happening in the FiMverse. My only real complaint on this end goes back to my issues with the characterization of Celestia.

Bob:
While Celestia didn't show direct signs of being truly malicious, abandoning a creature about the age of a foal seems pretty cold hearted, even giving it the chance of survival. Luna's decent into Nightmare Moon makes perfect sense here with Celestia basically kidnapping her daughter and leaving her out to survive or die. Though the changeling invasion of Canterlot and a no show for Luna doesn't make much sense, since she created them in a way. All in all, I can see this working well in the show if properly used.

Plum:
Should fit well for the most part. Luna being the mother of such creatures, yet forgetting about them completely during the Changeling invasion is... odd, to say the least. Liking the NMM hints in the story.

As I said before, the Tyrant Celestia was hard to swallow, and probably my biggest gripe with the story.

But otherwise, pretty good.

And there you go

706328
>Bananas
>Pineapples
This pleases me.

Right then.

If it's cool for me to ask, exactly how many points does one lose for not indenting paragraphs, of all things?

706347
You got 3 x 4.75 and a perfect 5 for Mechanics from the four judges.

706347
Remember that you won the Mechanics section, scoring above a 4.8

706356

It just seems rather silly to get dinged for indentations. Considering that they're, uh, generally a little superfluous in terms of actually writing fanfiction, and don't impact the reading thereof in any noticeable fashion. Heck, if anything, you might've wanted to go after paragraph spacing. Heaven knows, the lack of that can make a fic harder to read. :S

Also, the margin between third and second place was a tenth of a point. The margin between third and fourth was half that. So... y'know, about 0.2 points would've mattered.

Not that I'm contesting the results. I just don't agree with the stance on indentations.

Either way, congrats to the winner and runner-up, and good job on everyone else who entered.

706373
That was merely the thing I noticed the most and was able to bring into my conscious. If you want full nitpick mode, though...

and the spoiled-milk smell grew ever stronger

The diction there makes that less clear than it could be. "the smell of spoiled milk" sounds a lot clearer and better overall. It rolls off the tongue easier, too.

She sighed, and gently stroked its stringy mane

Why is there a comma there? That second clause is a dependent clause, not an independent clause.

“Worried for what I might do, you mean,”

The preposition there is a bit unclear. "Worried about" would work better.

To look at something so small and innocent, and tell me it does not deserve compassion?

Again, the comma followed by the coordinating conjunction implies two independent clauses. The first clause is not independent, so no comma.

From beneath the pile of pillows and blankets the creature stirred

Introductory phrases longer than three words get a comma.

And that's all in the first section. While I didn't specifically mention them in the comment, I did notice them, if only subconsciously. When it came time to form a conscious thought on the matter, I knew there were enough mistakes that kept it from a 5. I just couldn't quite remember the specifics. The lack of indentations, however, stood out to me. It does bother me when that's not done. And since that was the one thing I could think of, I mentioned it. Just to make sure things are clear: I knew there was a spattering of small grammatical slip ups. I just couldn't think of any specifics. And if I'm going to nitpick, I'm going to mention specifics. So I mentioned the one thing I could remember, and that was the lack of indentations.

706271

Don't worry, you were up against some pretty knarly competition.

The general gist of your story was "Good, but not the best"

I can PM you the specifics if you'd like

706417

Well, okay. That I can get behind.

706444
Nah. Although, if it'd be all the same to you, once I put up the edited version in a few seconds, can you give it a look? basically had my proofing team give it a thorough lookthrough and tear it apart after EqD rejected it.

706451
While I might like numbers a little too much, I do have a method to my madness.

706467
Is that to Plum specifically or do you want all of us to take a look?

706467

I must admit, I'm surprised that you sent it to EqD before the competition was over.

Anyway, I can't speak for my fellow judges, but I'd be willing to have a second look at it.

(This would be strictly non-WBA, however)

706478

While I might like numbers a little too much

706478
Well, it's up for all to see Have a gander if you want. Was glad Midnight took a second look through it. Same for my awesome New Zealand grammar wizard Silvertie

Hmm, the comments are very helpful and it looks like there is some revision I need to do for the story.

Also, big kudos to Denim catching the reference on Earth formation (I was a big astronomy nut before I was a WWII nut then a brony).

706556
Oh, don't worry, others caught it too

705771

Congratulations!

I'd like to get the lowdown on my fic when you get a sec. Also, feel free to post the review/rating of it here if you like, as an example of what you're not looking for .

Well, I just got my PM. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess I placed fifth or sixth.

Disappointed I didn't make the top 3, but a score above 4 is still pretty respectable in my book.

Well i enjoyed my first adventure into short stories and hopefully the next story will be even better. Congrats to all who entered and to the 3 lucky winners Would love to get a PM about my story so I can work on the areas I'm lacking in :)

P.S. My Feb competition entry is in full swing after a false start with the opening scene and should be up by Friday hopefully XD

706758
I was fifth, so I'm going to hazard a guess and say you placed sixth. And I feel similarly to you in regards to top 3/score.

...Oh my. I appear to have acquired a nice collection of 2s.

Well done, everyone! I haven't read all the entries yet, but I will, one of these days. I swear!

Honestly, I didn't expect to do that well. People keep telling me I'm pretty okay at this, but I never believe them. Also, seeing all the reviewers go along with my crazy banana-pineapple metaphor made my day, so thanks for that.

706758>>706913
The competition for the top was quite tough. 8 stories scored above a 4.

706913

707043

Very well. 4.17 puts me in the lower tier close to the 4 benchmark, so I'll revise my estimate to seventh or eighth. Still puts me in the upper half, but considerably lower than I'd been expecting.

Let's see if we can improve on that for the February contest.

Congrats to the winners and thanks for the statistics!

What? Numbers are fun!

707276

What? Numbers are fun!