Tradition. Status. Two words that resonate in the daily lives of the noble gryphons, high and low. For hundreds of years, the hierarchy has reigned supreme, from family, clan, to state. This is how it has been, how it is, and how it will remain.
However...
In the century before the return of Nightmare Moon, Tor Razorwing, aristocratic senator of the Confederacy of the Gryphons, commits an act of kindness that breaks social barriers, and unknowingly strikes upon the foundation of a fragile social order. Between the duties of the upper class to uphold tradition and the need to pursue the freedom of his people, a crisis boils beneath a facade of righteousness and order.
Tor’s world balances on the tip of an upturned mountain - Will it right itself back into the seat of stability? Or will it tumble, and with it, break into a world that dares to find new meaning?
I'm going to see what this is all about.
That was quite the start. You've done quite the job of establishing Gryphon culture. I'm curious as to where you'll take this.
I loved it!
Just some things you should know:
In the final third of the story, you have a lot of what's known as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome - you tend to refer to Garet as 'silver-winged' and the Lord as 'red-coated gryphon'. This is unnecessary - names will do fine. LUS should only really be used when there is a character that hasn't been introduced by name yet, so the descriptions of the crowd at the start are appropriate.
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I understand the concern. Taking a reader's standpoint, it does get a little redundant as the chapter goes on. I'll take this into consideration as I tweak the next segment, even if I personally enjoy addressing each character by their descriptors as well as their name.
Glad you enjoyed it.
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This is really great... I can definitely see why this got top for the contest. It reads just like a professionally written story. I can't wait to see how this unfolds.
Commence read.
Seems interesting. To see how it progresses.
I like gryphon stories.
Interesting. Roman gryphons, with just a touch of creative flare and cultural diffusion to make it have a different taste. I see what you did here, and I am greatly enjoying it.
It's the little details, like the social emphasis on ornate weaponry, that really give it a distinction that separates your creation from the hundreds of Gryphon Kingdoms littering the internet. Continue, dear author, for this is a story that deserves to be told.
Society of Syntax Socialists,
-Onyx
Oy, em dashes are a thing. Don't use hyphens for interruptions in a sentence. Use em dashes.
In any event, I now see what you meant when you were going on about the student's curiosity and the Purge. Do go on.
I can't favorite your fic twice mongol, stop writing it! lol
Don't actually do that.
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Me? Stop writing? Pishaw, good sir, pishaw. Why would I torture you so?
2434091 You could secretly be a supervillain, you never know.
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Oh dear, lol.
Hey! I posted an Abhorsen chapter btw, I think i recall you being one of two people that read it. lol
"Uh oh" indeed.
Shoobeedoobeedoo, it’s been a while since I’ve landed on a piece to review, so pardon any crumminess on my part, if any.
Mention the word ‘gryphons’ and I know I’m up for some serious worldbuilding. In fact, I went to check where this came from and true enough – it’s in the World-Building Alliance group. It’s good that you make this clear right at the start, so that all those world-building lovers would delightedly hop in, and those that aren’t would, well, hop out. The synopsis seems a little vague I think, so don’t be afraid to reveal more details. I’m also given the impression that it’s a ‘large-scale’ sort of story, one that would involve large groups of gryphons, perhaps in war or something. You haven’t introduced any main characters, or any single character for that matter, so I’m probably going to expect the story to be in third person omniscient. It isn’t good or bad. I’m just trying to draw all this out at the start, because the synopsis is supposed to give me a good overview of the story, and that in turn is going to determine how many readers you net. Yep, those little paragraphs of text sure are important!
Onto the main story, where all the juicy bits are! Immediately you establish the rich, lavish culture of the upper class gyphons, and you do it well. The dialogue matches up nicely to the setting. I like how you mention the sabre just as you introduce your first character. No sane pony would carry weapons to a lavish dinner party, but it’s perfectly fine for the gryphons, implying their somewhat aggressive nature or battle hunger.
Let’s take a break from that now, while I draw your attention to some specific bits of writing lifted from the chapter.
Because that is a question, I recommend the dialogue ending with a question mark. Also, you could do away with the comma after ‘another’, because if you read it out aloud as it is, it sounds weird.
“Commas denote a pause, and everything reads awkwardly when you either pause too often or not often enough. I find it helps to imagine each sentence as though someone is reading it to you, and pause where it feels like you should. –Burraku_Pansa”
See this? This is good writing. You give it a subtle hint of emotion, and it’s not done in a heavy-handed sort of way. There are many other ways you did this. You’ve done it throughout the chapter. It’s much more refreshing to read than a cold ‘he looked to a greying gryphon’.
Because you’re writing about gryphons, ‘men’ sticks out like a sore thumb.
Back to the plot, now. You’ve begun to build up Gareth’s character as the mean and snobby high-ranking official. Tor, while above Gareth in terms of rank, is kind and sympathetic. The first key event happens when Tor draws his blade to protect the female strumpet, Rovena. And this is where the fun and drama starts. We can see that the conflict further exposes the differentiation of characterizations of Gareth and Tor. The two of them seem to be the main characters, and Tor is almost certainly going to be the hero. We’ll have to read on to find out.
It’s also interesting to note that they mention something called ‘The Book’. There must be some sort of religious establishment over here I guess. Also, because we’ve been focusing on Tor and Gareth for a long stretch, I wouldn’t mind more description on their appearances. They seem to be key characters in your story.
That is the end of the first chapter. And it’s great! The writing has good flow, and there’s enough drama to keep people latched on for more.
The next chapter opens with a council meeting. I don’t have much to add to that, but I do like that very smooth transition to the conversation between Tor and Golden Sunshine. And from there you emphasise again on the differences between pony and gryphon culture, making the gryphon world seem refreshing. I also notice that Tor seems to speak in a relatively informal way to Golden Sunshine, as compared to with Gareth. Golden Sunshine herself seems to have remarkably similar traits to Twilight, in terms of knowledge and note-taking habits. But then later we see that Golden’s characterization is actually a quite different. Which is good! I don’t want to read about a new character only to realize that it’s a photocopy of another.
There has been some confusion several times on who’s saying what. I’ve noticed something that you tend to do. Here, let me pull out an example:
Narrowing it down:
You see, the dialogue in the first paragraph belongs to Golden Sunshine, and although you’ve tagged that clearly in the first half, you’ve also added Tor’s action tag to that same paragraph, which brings about the dialogue confusion. Furthermore, the next paragraph of dialogue actually belongs to Tor, but his action tag is up there in the paragraph before. As far as possible, keep the dialogue, actions, etc. of different characters in different paragraphs.
Also, try not to use confusing character tags such as “Tor’s opposite” to refer to Golden Sunshine, for example.
Now I want to talk a little about that Gaius gryphon. Gaius has a wonderful character. Look at him, blabbering away about this and that without a care about who’s talking. These unique traits make him memorable and interesting to read about. Oh and in the process, he mentions an event called the ‘Purge of the Third’. He’s the perfect kind of guy to use to slip something to the readers, and it’s done smoothly. Making him attempt to take back his words only draws greater attention to the subject. And just after that, it’s highlighted even more with that whispered conversation with Tor. Now you’ve certainly managed to get everyone thinking about what that means, and it is THE focus at this point.
The next scene in which Rovena sends back the money given to her, reminding us that Rovena is still in the story. There’s a lot more interaction between Tor and Rovena, and now Rovena probably has probably more focus in the story than Gareth. We haven’t seen that fella in a while.
I don’t have much to say on the drinking game. I’m not sure if the ‘uh-oh’ at the end of the chapter was warranted though, but I’m not sure what Rovena was thinking. Like, did she know where Gareth was flying off to or something?
Aaand that’s the end! I’m really impressed by your writing, and I’m hardly a big fan of worldbuilding too. Heck, you write better than I do!
--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.
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Just want to say thank you.
Very interesting beginning, I hope it will not take too long for the next chapter to come. :)
I absolutely love this story, yet there hasn't been an update in months; why do you taunt us so?!
I loved seeing the not secret being treated as such.
And now I'm curious to see what you make of Princess Celestia.
Not many stories can keep me constantly curious like this. Great work, sir.
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I'm glad to keep you so curious. It normally means that I'm doing my job right .
It's been a while since you updated this. And from the looks of things, it's been a while since you've been on the site. You think you're ever going to be able to come back to this story?
The culture, man. You've gone deep with this one. I definitely want to see more.
Hmm, questions abound here. How will the Purge, getting utterly blitzed, and this outcast chick all come tumbling down on old Tor's head?
So now he's getting embroiled in his own kindness toward this girl. Shits gonna come to a head somewhere, and when that toilet backs up, it's not gonna be pretty.
Considering what happened to the griffons in modern times, shouldn't there be a tragedy tag?
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I would, but I'm running this story from a history that is completely different from in the show. I started writing this way back in the middle of season 3, and we didn't have much to go off of back then. The whole idol and stuff isn't going to be a huge player here, if at all mentioned. So, I've opted to slap on the alternate universe tag instead.
It's great to see this story alive !!!
Thank you for coming back to us ! :)
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Thanks for reading it, pal. I appreciate it. Don't join the workforce, it keeps you from writing.
If you haven't yet, I'd recommend taking a look at previous chapters again. Made it a point to revise a good chunk. Hopefully it reads a little better :)
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Actually I already did reread the whole story - wanted to refresh it in memory :)
While I do not remember enough to tell the difference, - can tell that I enjoyed reading it greatly, so you obviesly did great job in it :)
Though as far as I remember - my impression of reading the first revision back than was pretty nice as well.
At least when this story updated and appeared in my favs after 4 years it was not "what is it?", but "oh, I remember this story, cannot tell details (probably will need to reread it), but it was great, so nice to see it live :)"
So - thanks again for getting back to it
Cannot wait to see the next chapter
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You doubled up have in that sentence.
And so the plot thickens.
Wow, that's quite a turn!
Thank you for the update !
Looking forward to the next chapter.
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Extra T H I C C
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Thanks for reading it, pal! I hope I don't disappoint, haha.
Thank you for the update!
Rovena has quite the story.
How long did she live like that?
Did I understand correctly that her family went so far to crash the airship to simulate her death?
Why than did they leave her with practically no means for living?
How did she survive actually? Highborn being flung into slums shoulnd not have high chances of survival...
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Oooh, buddy! Have I got a lot cooking for ya. I'm so happy to read you asking these questions.
They'll be answered in the future, don't worry!
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Cannot wait for the next chapter :)
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Are you by chance familiar with Fire on the Mountain by Anita Desai? It’s just weird to see your title come up right after I finished reading that one.
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I'm not familiar with the book you've mentioned, but one written by Terry Bisson. I've learned that my story's title has been shared with a good amount of art, which is pretty interesting, and really coincidental.