Short Hand: The Royal Personal Trainer 1 · 12:21am Aug 2nd, 2020
After the Changeling Invasion and the wedding, Shepherd was trying to relax in the armor and weapons from the Ancient Human Archives he'd pilfered for the fight in a small, unoccupied room in the palace. After some time, Princess Celestia entered, sat down next to him, and began eating cakes too.
Shepherd: "... You okay?"
Celestia: "... Shepherd. Do you think I'm weak?"
Shepherd: "Huh?"
Celestia: "I've been hit with complaints from nobles, politicians, military personnel, everypony-No one is saying it to my face, but... I can tell. They're all worried about me after this battle. About whether or not I can defend the kingdom. So do you think I'm weak?"
Shepherd: "Well... I mean, you move the sun and moon. Literally. I don't care what universe this is, that takes a huge amount of power. Magical or otherwise. But... Well... I'm guessing that kind of power has issues translating?"
Celestia: "... The truth is, I could have defeated Chrysalis. I could have destroyed her entire army, single hoofed... But if I had? I would have probably killed everyone in Canterlot. There wouldn't be a Canterlot left." She sighed again. "But maybe I should have risked it. Maybe that's the only way to prevent this from happening again. To show true strength for my ponies."
Shepherd: "Look... Maybe you could have. Or maybe you'd have reduced Canterlot to a flaming crater. But the fact you don't know probably means that you need to better understand your limits. I mean, I'm guessing that you don't get a lot of time to train, so you're either in Gandalf mode right now, or you go Super Saiyan-No real in between. Am I in the ballpark?"
Celestia: "You're spot on, actually. How did you know?"
Shepherd: "Well, I do like reading about military history, and your campaigns with your sister are actually pretty good reading. From what I could tell, Luna did a lot of the strategy and cloak and dagger stuff, while you did the breaking and charging stuff-And later diplomacy. Like you were a cannon, and she was your spotter. Or so said some pony historian, Red Arrowhead?"
Celestia: giggles "He was actually very charming when he traveled with us. Luna was quite taken with him, as I recall... But yes. Back in those days, my power wasn't nearly as great as it was and I got a lot more combat practice. So I could manage my power better. A thousand years without an open war though... I'm rusty. I can feel it."
Shepherd: "Well... Why not ask Luna to fill in for you for a while and you retrain yourself?"
Celestia: "With who? I have no sparring partner who would survive! Maybe if they were augmented with the more powerful magical artifacts we have, and had combat experience. But who could I find who-" She then slowly turns to smile at Shepherd.
Shepherd: "... I'm not going to like this, am I?"
Celestia: "Sir Shepherd, Knight of Equestria, as your sovereign I request that you be my sparring partner!"
Shepherd: "I knew it. I must humbly reject your request, your Majesty. There is no way that I am going to-"
Celestia: "I'm making it a direct order."
Shepherd: "You know, I could just get Twilight and Fancypants to tie this issue up for months in the Royal Courts."
Celestia: "You could... But I would win."
Shepherd: "There's no guarantee of that!"
Celestia: "Shepherd, it's the Royal Courts. Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'never bet against the house?'"
Shepherd: "That's corruption!"
Celestia: "The duty of a knight of Equestria is to protect its citizens from all foes, foreign and domestic. If you do take this to court, I shall become corrupt and thus an enemy of Equestria. But, if you obey my order and train with me, you will be protecting Equestria far more effectively than by dragging this out in court. Logical, yes?"
Shepherd: "... God I hate you."
Celestia: beam "So, see you next Lunsday? 7 AM sound good to you?"
Shepherd: "I hate you so much..."
And so, next Lunsday... In a desolate desert Celestia had brought Shepherd out to...
Celestia: "All right my Knight, let us do the checklist. Thor's belt Megingjörð?"
Shepherd: Not at all enthused "Check."
Celestia: "Járngreipr, Thor's gloves? His hammer Mjölnir?"
Shepherd: "Check and double check."
Celestia: "The Green Armor and the helmet Goswhit?"
Shepherd: "Hot, heavy, and also check."
Celestia: "Talaria, the sandals of Hermes that allow for flight?"
Shepherd: "They seem more like greave/sandal hybrids, but check. Also, no arch support."
Celestia: "You'll live. The shield Aegis?"
Shepherd: "Check."
Celestia: "Good! And with the infusion of magic I gave you and the healing potions, you will be fine. In addition I have ambulances standing by."
Shepherd: Dryly "I am so glad these are things I have to hear on a daily basis. Truly makes this job worthwhile."
Celestia: "Come now Shepherd, this is for the good of Equestria! Besides, have you any idea how long it's been since I had a good fight? One that actually made me feel alive?"
Shepherd: "You are really starting to both piss me off and freak me out, Princess."
Celestia: "I'm sorry... I'm nervous. And excited. It's been so long... I need to get into the proper mood though."
Shepherd: "Mood?! Mood is for music and loveplay! This is combat training!"
Celestia: "All right then! Start us off, Sir Shepherd! Show me what you can do! I can take it! I probably won't feel a thing!"
Shepherd: *Eyebrow twitch* "Excuse me, what?"
Celestia: "I said, I probably won't feel a thing once I get to my full strength-"
Maybe it's the fact he's decked out in magical gear from some of Earth's mightiest warriors or the fact Shepherd really doesn't want to do this at all... But an impulse strikes him and he follows through on it, not even thinking about whether or not it was a good idea at the time.
To wit... He throws Thor's hammer right into Celestia's face.
THWOCK!
There is a small sonic boom that Shepherd is protected from by the magical armor, as Celestia is knocked right off her hooves and onto her back, blood and teeth flying. In an instant, Shepherd goes pale.
Shepherd: "Oh God I killed her oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck Celestia?! CELESTIA?! Are you all right-?!"
FWOOM! Celestia's mane and tale burst into flames, as she rises up. Her skull heals and reforms, as her teeth regrow. Everything nearby that is not magically protected bursts into flames, as Celestia grins. Her golden armor and jewelry melts into slag as she stands, her eyes glowing brightly.
Celestia: "Ohhhh... It has been sooo long since I tasted blood in my mouth. True pain... What a rush." She licks her lips and looks over at Shepherd with eyes filled with bloodlust and regular lust "I feel so alive right now...! A real challenge..." She spread her wings as her mane and tail burn brightly. "Come on! Hit me again!"
Shepherd: "I have made a terrible mistake. Ahem. Listen Your Highness, maybe we should take a moment to calm down-"
Celestia: "I SAID HIT ME! OR I'LL HIT YOU!"
Shepherd: "Well... She's literally asking for it... LET'S GO, PRINCESS!"
Five Hours Later... Ponyville General Hospital...
Shepherd is wrapped in bandages from head to toe. Celestia is sporting a black eye and a missing tooth. Twilight Sparkle is yelling at her.
Twilight: "SERIOUSLY?! WHAT MADE YOU THINK USING SHEPHERD AS YOUR PUNCHING BAG WAS A GOOD IDEA?!"
Celestia: "Um... My dear student, I admit I got caught up in the moment. But he did wonderfully! I haven't been able to cut loose like that in a thousand years!" beams "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I got my wings broken? He did that!"
Shepherd: muffled groan
Celestia: "But I did go too far. I promise in future sparring sessions, I will learn to better control my power for your sake and for the sake of our wonderful knight."
Twilight: "You're going to go spar with Luna from now on, like you should have from the start."
Celestia: sighs "All right... But if he's interested in another spar-"
Twilight: "He won't be!"
Celestia: "Phooey... Oh well." She kisses the top of Shepherd's head "He has quite the way with Princesses." She leaves, practically skipping
Twilight: "... I'm almost afraid to ask..."
Shepherd: "Please... Just don't." sigh "And I figured Luna would be the twisted one."
Twilight: "Honestly? Me too."
- - -
Another potential story arc for Short Hand: Shepherd training the Equestrians in how to fight. In particular, retraining Celestia and Luna. Mainly so that Twilight and her friends aren't doing ALL of the heavy lifting... Thoughts?
OW.... '
Also great Dune reference
also OOOOW
So Shep is worthy, good to know
I'd love seeing more of this. But I do wonder where Celly got all those human artifacts.
And she gets off on violence. Poor Shepherd, his life just keeps getting better and better.
I approve wholeheartedly!
The sheer amount of shenanigans Shepherd could get up to. It boggles the mind.
MOAR!
MOAR SHENANIGANS!!!
He sends them on a quest to find the master Sum Dum Goy?
(god, I miss the '80s)
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Wasn't there an earlier blog post about how Shepard was the most worthy for all of those things by default because he was the only human in the world?
Very nice
He's got heart, but he fights like an ape.
Punching bag he is..
Is amusement for me..
I was worried this would go in a very different direction.
These are great hahaha!
Harambe would love this story
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He's worthy by elimination. Also worthy of Exalibur, Kaliburn... when you present a sacred object looking for the most worthy human with the only human, the choice is clear.
At this rate Shepard is going to end up with Luna and Celestia chasing after him as well.
I like the idea of making the princesses more useful.
I like the idea of Celestia being a warrior like Worf in Star Trek, instead of a punching bag to show how strong the enemy was....like Worf in Star Trek.....
I’m saying, Jack is back.
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Also, this Celestia would relish it if the Decepticons invaded Equestria as in the comics...
This is generally my headcanon. She has a lot of power, but due to the way her power works, the more she uses, the harder it is to control.
This, also lines up pretty well with my stuff. Fun!
She probably invented the system. Yes the hell there is.
Dewit.
I won't lie, until I looked up Goswhit, I was thinking less Arthurian legend and more Doom.
In any case, this certainly works. I've always liked the "World of Flash Paper" hypothesis for Celestia. She'd reduce the place to a cinder if she weren't careful. And just because being Equestria's battering ram isn't her main duty anymote doesn't mean she doesn't still enjoy it.
But seriously, Tia, go play with your sister.
For those playing at home, the Inside Baseball Abstract:
In the original stories, there was no "worthiness" BS around Mjolnir, it was just really ****ing heavy. Even Thor needed the strength-boosting gauntlets and belt mentioned here in order to lift it. D&D's implementation is to let you stack the normally non-stacking Gauntlets of Ogre Strength and Belt of Giant Strength.
I don't think it was anything to do with his armor that allowed the Green Knight to react to his decapitation with mild annoyance, that was just the sort of guy he was (part plant, because magic). Apparently I'm nerdier than 5327188 now and that kind of scares me.
To answer your question....
FOR THE LOVE OF FAUST MAKE THIS A STORY ARC!!!
Make it happ'n cap'n
I must admit that was not entirely uncalled for
Fair question
One of his injuries is a crushed pelvis?
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As is only right and proper.
Late to the party but yeah, totally make it an arc. It'll be good. Also good bonding time for Shep and the Princesses to help build intimacy.
Hit me with your best shot~