My only defense is three hours of sleep. (NSFW chat transcript: (im)Mature) · 12:39am Feb 10th, 2020
Emerald Today at 7:11 PM
Man I'm 2000 words in and I've somehow overshot my target
There's just so many ways they can fuck up fixing a door
Oh shit this is #nsfw-writing
Lord Camembert Today at 7:12 PM
Just rearrange a few words
Emerald Today at 7:12 PM
Uhhhh it's nsfw because it breaches health and safety!
Lord Camembert Today at 7:12 PM
"There's just so many ways the can fix up fucking a door"
Estee Today at 7:13 PM
I think we just found the worst pony OC name ever.
Name: Doorfucker.
Talent: Locksmith
How Does He Get Them Open?: Don't watch.
TCC56 Today at 7:14 PM
Sometimes you just need the right lubricant to get it unstuck.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:14 PM
"How'd you get in here? and who are you?"
Estee Today at 7:14 PM
Actually...
Lord Camembert Today at 7:14 PM
"I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith. Also, I fucked the door."
Estee Today at 7:14 PM
...I don't believe I have to explain this...
...genital skeleton key.
There. Get that image out of your head.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:15 PM
Imagine going to a company picnic
"Hi! Barbara, from accounting."
"Yeah, I'm Doorfucker. I... fuck doors."
"..."
"No, that's actually my job here, please don't call HR."
SockPuppet Today at 7:17 PM
...genital skeleton key.
He opened the Mane 6's locks.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:17 PM
He tried to fuck Trixie, but...
No one could figure out how to open that lock
TCC56 Today at 7:18 PM
So you're saying he picked the wrong lock.
Estee Today at 7:18 PM
So clearly his magic changes the relevant anatomy to exactly fit any inserted area.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:18 PM
About half her act these days is just Starlight teleporting her, so she's less careful about lock selection
Estee Today at 7:19 PM
One day, a monstress comes along and is about to destroy Canterlot out of pure sexual frustration, for nothing in the world has been able to get past her internal sliding puzzle.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:20 PM
Doorfucker: "Stand back. This..."
Estee Today at 7:20 PM
Doorfucker saves Equestria. But nopony can ever look at him again.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:20 PM
"is my destiny"
Estee Today at 7:20 PM
...why am I still typing? I should have stopped ten minutes ago.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:20 PM
The two unite, and the pure sexual energy destroys everything within a three mile radius
Estee Today at 7:21 PM
This is a Majin idea.
Lord Camembert Today at 7:21 PM
We've gone way past the point where we should have stopped
so let's just keep going and see what happens
Estee Today at 7:21 PM
@majin We have a story idea for you!
Comes with automatic goddammit!
To make this whole conversation so much worse, I'm now reminded of the end of Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Yes!
Half of me wants to ask what Discord server this chat is taking place upon, and the other half never wants to know. Ever. No way. Never.
5200316
Hahahahahahahahaha! That's an even more perfect follow up on that conversation!
Now I am interested in reading that story.
Okay, so boners ironically don't have bones, but I still feel using to much force upon said key could cause— problems.
Weirdest baculum ever...
I’m counting down until the story post. (Aren’t you overdue for a crackfic?)
5200329
Some species actually do have bones there. I don't think they include any kind of horse, but I'm also always willing to share too much information in situations where things have already gone in that direction anyway.
The big question is, if Doorfucker opens a lock during a storm, does that mean the next pony to walk through it will be a Pegasus? Or if he does it underground and covered in mud, it'll be an Earth Pony?
5200332
The baculum is absent in all ungulates, including horses.
Most species of primate have them. Humans are an odd exception and we don't know why.
Perfection.
All I know is my mind went "I'm here to FUCK THIS DOOR" and I couldn't focus on anything else, well done.
Our hero steps forward, Canterlot LITERALLY burning around him.
And thus, Doorfucker uttered the most important words he'd ever say. "This is why my Mark manifested. I was MADE for this."
oh, this made me think of something in a fantasy novel:
"Usik: an ancient Eskimo weapon made from the Genital bone of a Walrus."
-i got that from "the Barsoom Project" by Larry NIven and Steven Barnes. one of the main plots involves a role-playing game based on Eskimo mythology.
5200316
oh, you made ME think of that silly song: "we're men. we're men in tights. tight tights!"
oh, i just remembered something else: a short spin-off "equestria online" (where CelestAI takes over): a young girl who has recently joined is talking to an NPC about what she's supposed to do there and how she misses her family, and the NPC says:
"my name is Cum Bucket. CUM BUCKET. my cutie-mark talent is SUCKING COCKS. i'm actually GLAD i never had parents, can you IMAGINE the kind of upbringing that implies?"
5200357
"I'm here to fuck doors and chew gum. And I'm all out of gum."
Just imagine the hips dexterity he must have. Belly dancer goes to him for advice.
Do you think he need more endurance for coffers?
Bank vault might require other tools like specialized magazines or maybe some toys.
I need this. Give me this right now.
Trixie know of him. He is kind of a legend in the business. Nobody can quite escape hoofcuff like he does. And unlike other magician, everypony know his trick but nopony can look away either.
Magic shows are just a side business, something he does for fun and give profit to charities (must be an adult to see the show) . His greatest accomplishment was unlocking most secure casino vault in Las Pegasus under 20 minutes.
Just realized. If a couple call a locksmith because they lost the key of the hoofcuff in their 'playtime'. It must EXTRA awkward when he whip out his tool for the job...
Well, that's HIS story & he's sticking to it
There's a scurrilous rumor that he just doesn't have a very firm stiffy & it distorts
Oh dear. :D
Majin hasn’t commented yet.
There’s only one force in this universe that could stop Majin from commenting on this. Namely: He’s already working on the story.
…We’re doomed.
Truly a labor of love.
This just makes me think of the bizarre evolutionary arms race that is duck genitalia. Maybe he's part waterfowl.
....
Insert Greek myth gag here.
There was an old D&D meme years ago about Rood, a warforged made from a door. It was much the same, with how much they enjoyed lockpicking.
Worst name, though? Not Dumpster Fire? Rectal Seepage? Toothpaste OJ?
Beautiful. Thanks for recording this for history, it's definitely funny enough of a concept to make something light and entertaining.
Having brooded about this for a few hours, I've come to the conclusion that the most disturbing aspect of the matter is
How did he get his Cutie Mark In This?
Did he experiment until he found it?
Why aren't his parents in jail?
5200485
He was an ordinary locksmith, then, Discord!
In all senses of the word, perhaps.
----
Or, some poison joke or something, when going to fix Zecora's door?
Oh, that's how changelings are finding work post-reformation.
I should not have been drinking coffee as I read this.
This is awful and wonderful and I love/hate it. Definitely a Syeekoh-grade idea.
5200485
He was so busy looking at a pretty mare who worked at a hardware store, he didn't notice the box full of padlocks next to her. He was in the grip of puberty, wasn't looking where he was going, one thing led to another, and...
Well, at least he got a cutie mark out of it.
At the risk of jinxing it: " … Goddammit, Syeekoh."
5200396
Well, it wouldn't operate the lock if there were no stiffening.
5200485
Some names in the series are clearly the work of an author. But the show eventually gave a partial excuse; remember Chiffon Swirl in "The Perfect Pear"? So we can soften the question "Why aren't his parents in jail?" in favor of "Why did he put 'fuck' into his (own) name? Or maybe the question should be, would he do that?"
what... the... hell...
Does this qualify as an imbalance in the Force?
Because it feels like it.
With all the key and door imagery there has to be a Tumbler/Tumblr joke in here some where.
It came to me in a dream
He is related to Pipe Fitter
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
All Rarity wanted to do was take a shower. A new kind of shower, using something nopony had ever owned before. So really, how could everything else possibly be her fault?Possibly a brother, possibly a son
If a son, then he grew up in Ponyville & the CMC helped him get his Cutie Mark
Because:
It's already rated Mature &
We're already going to Hell,
so why not?
Are they sure he's a pony?
Cause that sounds like a dong-key.