I'm In The Wrong Business · 11:28pm Dec 27th, 2018
I'm sorry. I'm not going on hiatus again, not this time. I'm just flat-out done. Any and all incentives I had for writing have crumbled away one by one, and I'm not going to beat myself into a mental breakdown over a goddamn fanfic.
I have no solid plan on which to consistently build fics; half the time, I'm tearing my hair out trying to second-guess a criticism or find something I've overlooked. I panic the instant a long project gets longer or gets beyond me. I have fun jotting down ideas and that's it, forget about writing the actual prose. No matter whether I toss something out or agonize over every last element, it's ephemera that's forgotten after about two days anyway.
And I am goddamn sick of seeing no evidence I'm anything but another Joe Fanficker, whose tastes are so unrefined I can't even tell good from garbage in other people's works, let alone my own. I'm practically blind. How can you enjoy being praised for something you don't even understand you did? This isn't fun. This is madness.
As for the show... sorry, but I've stopped caring about it. I can't keep up with everyone else's excitement for whatever the latest season is. I don't even like talking about the show, old or new, because sooner or later I dread the moment I tread on someone else's shoes. I've seen what disputes over unpopular opinions look like, and like hell do I want any part of that. So I've ultimately got nothing to give and get nothing out of it.
I really am sorry. Every time the fandom chips in to help someone out or to raise money for charity, it's clear there's something wonderful there that's brought people together. I just personally don't feel it, or even honestly understand it. I can't have a meaningful connection through a screen, and these days I break out into a sweat merely telling people what my nationality is online. A person can't burden what's effectively a complete stranger. Not forgetting the fandom has shrunk over the years, so the old excitement and anything-is-possible feel to the enterprise has long since fossilized.
Overall, this year has made it clear to me I'm in the wrong place. I can't handle ambiguity or mixed opinions, I don't like constantly making mistakes over and over, I don't have a clue what to do with subjectivity, and ultimately it's a lonely, insanity-inducing grind, for little meaningful payoff. It's miserable. I hate writing, because I'm not satisfied by short stories and I'm not capable of the long ones I really want to create. I'm not up for the demands of art. I can feel it taking over my mood, week after week, killing even those things I do enjoy. It's about time I admitted it was a beguiling dream and nothing else.
So before I can succumb to depression or perfectionism or mental illness or what-have-you, I'm calling a halt to the whole thing. I'm not falling for a siren song. And without the writing, there's really no need for me to stay around any longer. I never contributed much else anyway. I'm only saying this in the first place because it seems discourteous to "ghost" out of here without an explanation.
All I have to decide is whether to simply log off or to utterly delete the account. I'll give it as long as it needs, then I'm posting a last official notice. But my mind is made up, because otherwise I'm losing it and will lose it.
Don't think this was an easy decision. I've wanted to write stories, and novels especially, for as long as I can remember. I wanted it so bad that everything else in my life felt like it was in service to that dream. It's been decades, though, for nothing, and if this is going to be the price I have to pay, then I just can't pay it.
Impossible Numbers. Out.
I know this is going to sound trite, but I'm terribly sorry to hear that. I hope you don't go for the full account deletion. You've written many stories I'd be sorry to lose. Still, if this is making you miserable, I can't argue with your conclusion.
Maybe krep the page up and any unfinished stories can be put up for adoption. Wish the best of luck in your future endeavours.
4986889
Same.
I could say a few things, but I'll just echo 4986889. He put it really well.
Echoing 4986889 also. It'd be a dreadful shame to lose you, and you weren't just another Joe Fanficker to me. But do what's best for yourself, first and foremost. Don't pursue something that you ken's hurting you.
Folk're here. I'm here, if you ever need to blether.
Don't delete it, you've written some things that I thought were really great. :(
I hope, wherever you go, you find happiness.
I don't write, but I've lost joy for hobbies.
And I used the "super-delete" on some of them too.
Make no mistake, that felt very therapeutic at the time and for many months afterwards.
But two years later I was rummaging through my old stuff because I KNEW that I had a certain device amongst my electronic tinkering crap.
Hmm, just where did I put all that stuff ?
Oh right. I went super-delete on it...
Cue depressing thoughts...
If writing is (was) part of who you are (were) then getting rid of it is unfair to yourself, no matter how relieving it feels.
Erasing was my justification years ago and I regret it.
Dang, man. I don't know what to say. You've seemed like one of the good ones... I certainly appreciate your exploration of the side characters. It seems like we could use more "unpopular opinions" if that's what comes with them.
I dunno. At some point I got the impression that you weren't using pre-readers--not in the sense of "OMG this guy needs one," but more in the sense of "OMG how does this guy get by without one." If that's not the case, then I got nothing. But if it's indeed the case, I'd point at that as something that still might be worth trying. It can be messy and ambiguous to find a good fit for a given story... sometimes someone who you otherwise like and trust doesn't work out for one. But when it clicks, the balance of feedback and support that you can get makes a big difference as you try to zero-in on what you want to do with a given story.
But I can't presume to stand in your way if you need to go, especially if the show itself isn't doing it for you anymore.
Writing is misery at times, and it's not like any of us are getting paid for this
(barring the folks with Patreon. There's a quote that Google tells me is from Robert Hass that seems applicable:May you always have just written, wherever you go.
And please don't nuke the whole thing.
Your work has value.
See you space cowboy.
I'm sorry to see you go. Wishing you the best, wherever you end up.
You've written some wonderful stories over the years (Through the Eyes of the Hurricane is one that I still view extremely fondly to this day), so while I completely respect your decision, I hope you ultimately decide not to delete this account.
Sorry to hear this. For what it's worth, i think your writing is some of the best-voiced on the site. I've used it to improve my own writing and hope to continue doing so.
Best wishes wherever you may end up.
Do what you think is best. Get enough sleep, get enough water to drink, remember to breathe.
It sounds like the external motivations to writing fanfic have gotten so far into the negatives that the positives of the internal are cancelled out and brought down.
The answer, then, becomes obvious: broaden your horizons. Look at something new, find a smaller fandom that can't reach the levels of drama/toxicity this one can with its population.
4986889, 4986891, 4986892, 4986894, 4986900, 4986907, 4986927, 4986970, 4986991, 4987073, 4987076, 4987087
All right: for the time being, and after thinking about it and reading your comments, I'm inclined to simply log off and leave the account more-or-less in its current state. No point rashly erasing the good just because of how I feel at the moment. And there has been some good. Part of why I'm not doing myself any favours is because of how tempting it is to pretend nothing's wrong.
Truth be told, I don't know what else I'm going to do next, anyway, so I might as well leave the account alone. Pragmatic thing would be to go find something else that I might be more suited for. I'm still thinking about it. Dropping something as long-lived as this doesn't happen in a click of the fingers.
(That said, I don't think I'll put anything up for adoption. I'd rather keep them my personal projects, regardless.)
Well, if nothing else I don't want to cut the connection too suddenly. As bad as I've gotten recently, I do have fond memories of the last seven years here. I also have a little unfinished business to take care of before I make any final, official announcement, so I'm willing to take messages for at least a couple of days should anyone want to leave any.
You have no idea how much I wish I wasn't doing this, but I must step away, and soon. It's only sensible to read the warning signs. Yet I am so grateful to everyone; like I said, I'll at least have some good memories to take with me.
4986894
FOME always seems to know just what to say.
4987119
Take some breathing space. There have been a couple times that I thought I was done and fell completely radio silent for a long time but I've always come back.
I can't understand people just... one day deciding that they're done, but I can understand not wishing to fight this kind of inner turmoil.
You never know. You might want to come back someday, you might not. Just know that we'll accept you back into the fold with open arms if you do, and nobody will begrudge you if you do not.
4987119
No problem. Again, do what you think is best. That said, have you thought about what you're planning to do instead? Because if pony was such a big part of your life, if you were that invested in it, logging off just like that may end up creating a bigger void than what you're dealing with now. If you have nothing so far, open up a Word document and doodle a list of new hobbies you could try.
Trust me, I've been in that spot myself, you need something to fill that void. You may not need pony, but you need something for your free time. Otherwise lethargy sets in. Speaking from experience there.
4987119
Do what you need to do. If any of us can be of any help, do reach out. If you can't stand this site particularly, I at least have other online presences such as my blog at Scrivnarium . Godspeed in the meanwhile.
What 4986889 said. I'm very sorry to see you go, but if it's time then it's time. You've given us some great stories, and I hope you have some good memories of this place and fandom to take with you
.
aw. sad news.
it's poison. I know I'm in the wrong business.
I think you're better than you believe you are. Sometimes even so-called experts feel like they don't know what they're doing.
but at the same time I fully understand that feeling of not enjoying the act of writing at all.
4987142
4987148
After thinking about it, I'm convinced you're both right. Writing in the teeth of your own inner battles is unpleasant and difficult. So a break for a few days should give me time to reconsider where I'm going with this, in writing or out of it. And looking at other things in my free time - not necessarily to replace writing, I should make clear - could at least remind me not to put too many eggs in one basket. I can think of one or two other hobbies that I've seriously been neglecting, yes.
4987151
Really, it's less the site itself - goodness knows there are plenty of people here with their heads screwed on right - and more that I developed an unhealthy attitude towards it. Of course, upvotes and rankings do encourage a certain way of looking at yourself, but that just makes it more important to learn not to fall into the trap.
4987436
4987887
I can't describe how heartening it is to receive such support. Writing on my own for long periods of time makes it easy to forget there are people out there who appreciate and even enjoy my work.
Yeah, poison is the word. It's like a pain in your gut, and then it stings all over. I feel much better now, thank goodness, but I'm not going to forget what it was like in a hurry.
Lastly, thanks again to everyone who took the time to say something. It's been of tremendous help, believe me.