In Need of Serious Advice · 10:41pm Oct 26th, 2016
So, there's this friend I have from last year in college that I share the same major with. This year, he invited me to Bible study and I agreed, thinking it was going to be a group of other people. On the day of the Bible study, he texted me, asking my to come to the Library, and I agreed. He directed me to the back room upstairs, and I discovered it was just him.
I was surprised and kinda confused, but I went along with it. (He asked me to close the door behind me even though we were the only ones up there. Ha haaaa?)
The study went well, though he was sitting rather close...but whatever. Then over the past few days, he;s been calling and texting me non stop asking me to meet him again. At times when I couldn't make it, he understood, but was still very insistent on me coming back. I decided to tell one of my friends in class about it, (she's very sweet) and she said that he did the same thing to her and another girl too. Invited them to the back rooms alone.
I was kind of put off by that, so I started to decline the invites. I told my mom about it, and she said that he probably just likes me.
This week, he sent me nine texts and called me thirteen times, asking me how I am and how my family is doing. This is kind of a delicate situation because...well, he has Aspergers. It's not like I'm unfamiliar, I have several friends with Aspergers and my own little brother has autism, but I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.
I'm wondering how I should go about this without hurting him. I;d ask my brother, but he can't really talk to people unless he wants something.
What do you think I should do?
I will be honest here, it sounds like he is stalking you and harassing you. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe it will get worse, hurting him may not be a factor to worry about, but your safety is a factor to worry about, do not be afraid to go to the authorities if you feel you are in danger.
I have aspbergers as well, and I say that just giving him the same bull will eventually either make him angry, or forget about you and move to the next girl.
This is a difficult situation, I'm not too experienced in this particular area...But I'd go to one of your campus advisers, and ask them for help. Have a sit down with you, him, and that adviser, and try to talk it out between the three of you and explain it the best you can. Speaking from a tiny bit of experience though, I think the constant calling and texting thing may be out of a sense of fear of you abandoning him. That doesn't excuse him calling and texting constantly, but as someone who does deal with social delays and gets paranoid about that, it's my best guess. :/
Hope this was of some help Summer, and if not, I do hope you're able to resolve it somehow.
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4272510 Okay. Thanks. I think I might need to take some action here, because the texts and calls aren't letting up.
Ooookay... Uh.... See if it weren't for the Asperger's I would be willing to just label this dude as "creeper" and move on.... But....
Listen. I would ask your friends how they got out of it, but there is no way to do this without hurting him. Such is the nature of such things. Just be gentle as possible. Tell him he needs to step off.
And have a phone handy. Just in case.
I would try to tell him to back off in a polite way. Do it through text or call or around others in case he gets upset. If that doesn't work, then you could try cutting him off (such as blocking his number). If worse comes to worse, you can tell campus authorities you don't feel comfortable. You have a right to your own space.
That's what I can think of. Take my words with a grain of salt if a better idea came up. But it's important to do something.
4272511 Thank you
He is kind of awkward, though he knows a lot of people around campus. I plan to do something about it, though.
4272513 *nods* Good luck lass.
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I would go with Kirito's suggestion on this. Whatever happens though, it sounds like this guy needs professional help. Try to stay safe.
*sigh* This is going to be a very hard situation for you Summer.
Lord knows we've encountered situations where we've been afraid to act because of hurting another's feelings or seeming insensitive, especially if someone has a mental condition.
But the thing of it is, a mental condition explains the reasoning behinds a person's behavior, but it is NOT AN EXCUSE for behavior that is socially unacceptable. I'm not condoning people with mental conditions, for I have Asperger's too, but I've encountered a lot of people that have used their disorder to manipulate people to their own ends. If I've been doing something that's considered unusual or strange, I would want people to tell me about it, so I can apologize and LEARN to do better.
You need to tell your friend that this behavior is making you uncomfortable, and he needs to understand that it needs to stop. If he doesn't, then it may be best to get the authorities involved.
Yes, it's sad that this person has a mental condition, but it's STILL NOT AN EXCUSE for him to make you feel uncomfortable in doing something you don't want to do.
I wish the best for you Summer.
He's giving me various vibes... "Creep" is one of them. I can't tell you what to do, but if you do continue to "hang out" with him, just... be careful. I know better than anyone what those seemingly harmless things can turn into. Aspergers or not, that could go downhill very quickly.
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Most definitely. I do hope this was of some help, but no matter what, do what you have to do to keep safe, Summer.
Now, in an attempt to lighten the mood, please have a cute Pinkie Pie.
orig15.deviantart.net/704c/f/2013/354/4/7/silly_pinkie_by_siansaar-d6ymfs9.jpg
Since he has Aspergers, he most likely means well but isn't socially developed to know that what he is doing is wrong. My advise is to talk to him and come up with a set of rules for interacting with you or other non Aspie friends.
Sounds like you have a stalker issue here. I know several people have already said this, but I would go to one of your campus advisers, maybe they can help. Let this guy down gently. If he keeps it up, you can go to the proper authorities, but then again maybe he won't. Only way you can be sure is to confront him about what he's doing. Stay safe, Summer.
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I will most definitely keep this in mind. Thank you.
4272536 Awwww, how cute
Speaking as an aspie...
I do not approve of his actions. Explain clearly and concisely why this behavior is wrong and disturbing. If he asks for clarification, clarify the point he asks for. If he does not stop after you explain, he is using his condition to justify incorrect behavior and should be treated as an ordinary stalker.
Well, this sounds very familiar. I'm pretty much that guy you're talking about (not really, but very similar). In high school, I would basically island hop from girl to girl, creeping them out one by one until I was basically the school creep.
I've been in this situation, just on the other side. I have aspergers as well, and I can understand being awkward.
But I didn't bring the girls into a room alone. That's creepy.
From my experience, I got hurt in every one. There's really no way around it. When you're in this deep, there's really nothing you can do to prevent it. I would say decline the invites, or just tell him straight up that it's making you uncomfortable. I don't really see any other way around it. I think you just have to be honest with him. That's really the best thing you can do, because maybe he'll learn from it. Failure yields more knowledge than success, y'know? You have your own problems in life to worry about, outside of this guy.
Do what's right for you, and not him. That's all I can really say.
If worse comes to worse, like if he starts to get very insistent, or still doesn't back off, go to authorities because you have a right to your own space.
Hope things get better for you. I need to get out more. Your campus sounds much more exciting than mine.
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4272544 Thank you. I'm gonna have a talk with him. If that fails, then we have a problem.
Well, given his condition, I'd start by establishing boundaries and making it very clear how things are and will be between you. You have to make him understand that you are only interested in being friends, and that that will depend on how he treats you. If he's good about it and respects your space, then great. If not, then you'll have to keep your distance. When it comes to your safety and comfort, think of yourself first. If that means potentially hurting someone's feelings, then that's the risk you have to take. I realize that the situation is delicate and that he's probably a good person but you still have to take care of yourself.
Hope that helps!
By the way, what's your major? I just started school again, so I'm curious as to what others are studying, especially fellow pony fans. Given some of the fics here, I'd assume animal husbandry. *raises hand for high-five*
Anyone?
No?
Ha ha joke funny?
Okay.
I'll show myself out...
Been there just this weekend, actually.
My personal advice which recently worked with me, is get a friend, that you really know and trust, to help you with the situation. After all, power comes in numbers. And especially since having a close friend with you definetly helps you let go of some of that nervousness confronting them.
4272549 Dunno. Campus is a weird place to be
Thank you for the advice.
We're both film majors.
4272552 Hahaha
4272555 Yeah, friends does make things better.
Ask him nicely if you can bring some friends of both yours AND his (surely he has some). And always carry a phone. ALWAYS. Just a precaution. And be nice, but be clear that you don't like being with ANY guy ALONE, not just him (but only if it's true!) Gently set boundaries, and continue being nice to him. If he won't let up, tell the proper authority, but tell them ahead of time EXACTLY your situation with AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE. this is EXTREMELY important so that they know what to do without jumping to conclusions.
Hope this helps.
Chaos out!
Summer, above anything else, you need to be and remain safe. I agree with everyone here and the best way to handle this is to let him know how you feel. If he continues to contact you against your wishes then have the authorities intervene.
It is good that you are compassionate to his condition and his feelings, but as a parent myself, I am most concerned for you safety.
Good luck and be safe!
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Oh, no...even I heard the crickets on that one! I had to snicker anyway!
Good advice, though, Metroid, Always best to play it safe, even with those people you know. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
You should know what to do- buy yourself a whistle.
Jk, you should just tell him that you enjoy your personal space, and establish a 4 foot rule.
Be safe, pray and read the Bible yourself! Also, make sure that he doesn't be mean to you! :)
I'd advise praying about the situation, first, and then acting.
When you do go to act, try to face him head on in a private conversation, and make sure he's giving you his attention. Compare your situation (the suspected stalking) with something similar in his life that he doesn't like, and tell him that you're feeling the same feelings in this situation that he does in his. That might make him sit up and pay attention.
If all else fails, you have the option to block him or take it to the authorities.
Be.
Honest.
And keep your hand near a pepper spray while doing so. My warning light went off reading your story.
4272551 Glad to be of service! I try to help whenever I can,
4272549 Ouch, I feel sorry for you man. Those girls obviously just didn't know what a great guy you are.
4272556 Never be alone.
You may not remember me but we PMed before.
There are two scenarios for this.
Optimistic one? He's just bad at socializing and is trying to do one on one.
Pessimistic one? ... Yeah. I'm not going to go into detail, but worst case scenario is a rape one.
Just be careful. Bring friends. Make sure someone always know where you are. Keep in touch. Informtion is going to be your friend.
Best approach?
Talk to him. Don't cut off ties, but talk to him. Don't do it in public. Nor in private either.
Go to him in a one on one scenario in a public place such as a market. Explain very clearly what is making you uncomfortable and ask him why.
Good luck!
Stay safe!
Block the number!
I have Asperger's and I would be careful, and by that, I mean that you should probably listen to KingXanaduu. And don't be ALONE. I'm also a cynical bastard so in my mind this guy is using his condition. You need to confront him with someone, before you go to the cops though.
If things go south it's best to have backup. Be safe, I would already be interrogating him if I was there. But I'm not. So again.... Be safe.
As others have said, you need to sit down with him and explain to him why this behavior is unacceptable and how it's becoming a problem for you personally. But DO NOT go into that conversation without backup from a faculty advisor or counselor--someone trained to deal with people who have Asperger's.
I wish you the best of luck; this is a sticky situation.
Pretty much all the advice I was going to give has been said already. Though, considering he seems to be the religious sort, he might be really desperate for release. Maybe try and convince him he won't be smote for masturbating?
Be honest. Take time to be clear and make sure your friend fully understands. At the end of the day, his condition doesn't matter, how he feels doesn't matter: not weighted against your well-being.
As for the particulars, you could ask him about the behaviors (maybe he doesn't feel secure with the door open, maybe he's bashful around multiple people...) because if you know the source, you can come up with alternatives that you're both comfortable with.
Stay golden
How much of a safety net do you want? While the Library is very much neutral ground, it's also a place where you CAN be smart about it and ask for help.
This guy is very much awkward and indeed, a bit rough around the edges. He doesn't know he's being a creep, but unluckily as said? You MUST show boundaries are being broken with each time that they do this. It could be a cry for help I admit, but if it is then they need to actually tell you such and then you need to tell him what's wrong. He doesn't get to play the cards and make your life difficult just because he can't come out and say if he needs help or not. If he's done this to others, indeed get their input if you feel it's valid.
The others here have said plenty, but if you really want to make sure you have a safety net- Make sure the Librarians if you still intend to meet there, know that someone should come up and knock on the door. Heck, if it's a big one, ask if security to come knocking on the door and ask if you're ok! Make sure they know you have to answer, not just him.
Heck, indeed if you feel in danger enough, do as Passions said.
This does sound like harassment to a minor degree too if they're getting THAT heavy on calls and such.
You have a right to defend yourself, be happy and more, Summer!
If things work out ok though? I'll be hoping the best for you, regardless of outcome.
Hopefully though, this incident won't cloud your perception of people with Asperger's or any other mental condition, such as anxiety disorder, depression, etc...
A lot of really famous and influential people have been diagnosed with Asperger's, like Satoshi Tajiri, the CREATOR OF POKEMON. He was inspired to create pokemon because of his childhood years of catching bugs and pitting them in "mock battles".
So again, don't fault this person because of Asperger's, it just means that the circuitry of their minds are wired differently then most people, so they see the world a bit differently. However, again, this is not an excuse to justify and slide bad behavior, because bad behavior is STILL bad behavior, regardless of the circumstances.
Just be firm and let him know of boundaries, and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: STICK TO THEM. Don't let people guilt you into changing what is acceptable to YOU. Stick to your guts, and stand firm.
I've been in this situation before and from how I handled was telling him the truth, but in a calm and nicely manner. Believe me, it worked for me once.
Hello there, Summer Dancer. To be honest... if he has Asperger's Syndrome then I can relate to him. He has what I have. Asperger's Syndrome. Now to be frank with you this type of behavior (something I myself have stayed away from and have not experienced) is in fact something that I would see in a normal type of light for people with Asperger's. Being as socially awkward as we are, he is possibly misunderstanding and or not aware of any social cues where you demonstrate how uncomfortable you are with him that close. Relationship wise it is hard for us to truly get an idea on how we can approach someone else with this type of scenario in particular.
So what's the best thing to do? Be honest with him. Explain to him that this type of behavior makes you feel uncomfortable. That you, as a friend of his, is rather thrown off by his sudden pursuit to follow up with this persistence that could end up being bad for the both of you. Now I do share sympathy with him. I understand how... difficult it is to perceive love. We Asperger's people especially struggle since, even if we have been helped in learning social cues, do not always pick them up. And the boundaries we set, whether we like being close or as far away from someone as possible, struggle with the idea of how to go about things like this. Do be kind to him. Yet also be firm. As a friend, he should hopefully understand. I hope this has helped you somehow.
And if you ever need any advice on Asperger's Syndrome and how it affects people, then I myself, as I have stated, share his predicament as well. I hope this finds you well.
Sincerely, Feather Note.
Well like everyone here has said, simply talk to him with a counselor and adviser to help ease the situation to where it has to go. That seems to be the best choice in this situation.
First let him know he's acting badly. Then, if he still won't let up, talk to the authorities.
Wow, I'm late to this.
Frankly, he does seem a bit on the creep side, even with his disorder. Or maybe I'm watching too many stalker videos and it's making me paranoid. I suggest following the advice of what several people here have already said. Try to be nice, tell him what is and isn't acceptable, and things of that nature. If that doesn't work, well, I'm not well versed in these kind of situations. All I can really say is good luck and don't back yourself into a metaphorical corner.
He's probably a stalker. Just tell him that you don't have time, make up a few excuses etc
I have a friendwith the same condition. The worst possible thing you can do is take this to the authorities. As much as people may think he's "abusing" his mental state, it can also be said that he may not.
I haven't recently gotten to talk to said friend, as constant, uneducated staff members got him arrested multiple times on a count of having the troubles that come with Aspergers.
What the best thing to do is, talk. Always talk. Talkity talk talky talk. Never cut off ties with him. The next worst thing you can do is make the person feel unwanted and alone.
I have never heard of this symptom before until you talked about this but im really compassionate so i'd say just to hang out with him just so he doesnt feel bad.
Maybe you should just be direct. I don't mean go up to him and say "Hey! You're being creepy!", of course. But you should at least try to text him back and ask why he wants to know that
If he seems hurt by the question, explain that it's a sensitive subject and try to make the situation as comfortable as possible so that he won't get mad at you.
Just try to be reasonable. As someone who's kind of shitty at sociallizing (not to a diagnosable degree), I can tell you that it feels pretty bad when you miss social cues and people treat you weird because of it.
Best of luck.
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Thank you all for your sound advice. This means a lot to me. I think I've gotten the message across today, though I'm not sure what he's feeling right now. I'll explain in a future blog post.
4272725 Oh no, of course not. Like I said before, he's a nice guy. I just wasn't sure how to go about this situation. People with Aspergers are amazing all together.
4274131 Just be careful.
I have sberger's too, so tell him that I sympathize. Tell him something that helps me is to imagine characters I sympathize with and put them into situations. Instead of a "How would I feel" thought, ask him to think of a "How would my [INSERT PERSON] React?"
It helps a little.
Glad it worked out! Also make sure to let the guy know, no hard feelings! He may be feeling like a bit of a screwup so make sure to let him know that you're there to help.