Shooting yourself in the hoof: a pony guide. · 12:09pm May 6th, 2014
With all the ponies wandering around Equestria these days, it can often become difficult to tell exactly which pony you're dealing with at any time. Therefore, the following completely-open guide is presented as a helpful reference, in the hopes that when it comes to the delicate science and subtle art of self-hoof shooting, you will be directed towards the exact pony you need for the job.
As always, the baseline result is "You shoot yourself in the hoof."
Twilight: You're going to need some time before you can do this. Yes, it's an official order to conduct a self-hoof shooting and you're nothing if not obedient. But there's research to conduct here. What model of gun is best? What are you going to do about the recoil? Should the bullet pass all the way through the hoof or are you going for more of an embedding effect? And for the love of all things Solar and Lunar, when did somepony invent gunpowder?
Applejack: Hoof-shooting? You don't hold with those new-fangled means of injury! Naw, you're gonna lasso your own hooves and you're gonna like it!
Fluttershy: ...well... if somepony really insists... um... did they have a preference of hooves? Because you can shoot any hoof at all, really, it's completely up to them... or Angel could do it... really, it's probably best if Angel does it, he looks so happy about the prospect...
Pinkie: You shoot yourself in the hoof. Then you shoot yourself in the other hoof. Then you shoot yourself in the other hoof. Then you shoot yourself in the other hoof. Then you shoot yourself in the other hoof -- wait a minute...
Rarity: ...but it's not about the shooting, darling: it's about how you look while you're doing it! Now, let us discuss the scrollwork on the weapon. Namely, it doesn't have any. Clearly we'll have to rectify that before we can proceed any further. Also, something must be done about the powder mix, because that clashing color of burns around the hole simply will not do. And of course, as long as we have such a handy hole in the hoof, two words: 'gem mounting'. Now let's look over the full catalog in order to get an idea of how to proceed there, no worries, it won't take but an hour or five...
Rainbow: Pistol? Really? Revolvers are so boring! Pull the trigger once and you get one bullet! What's the point of putting that much effort in if the only result is going to be one bullet and one hole? ...what have you got in a machine gun model?
Spike: Has no hooves and when he learns what you want him to do with his own feet, rather sensibly quits on the spot.
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Upon learning that the trio has gotten ahold of a gun, the entire population of Ponyville carefully selects their hiding places while desperately hoping the end will come quickly. The fillies themselves examine the weapon while happily babbling about the chance for a unique mark in hoof-shooting, planning demonstrations of their future talent, and wondering just how it'll lend itself to a future profession -- doing all of that as opposed to simply learning anything about guns and how they work at all, because the talent would take care of such minor details and who wants to study dumb stuff like that anyway? After a full afternoon of happy fantasy, somepony finally pulls the trigger. All of Ponyville is then simultaneously shot in the hoof. Excepting the CMC. Go figure.
Mare Do-Well: Well, somepony's hoof got shot. Better start checking Ponyville to see just who's turning up with a telltale limp.
Twist: You pull the trigger. Nopony pays any attention to what happens after that. (FanOfMostEverything)
Diamond Tiara: While you're certainly inclined to follow the trend, you can't be bothered to shoot yourself in the hoof, so you have Silver Spoon do it for you while everypony cheers wildly. Isn't it nice, having all of them applaud while your hoof is being shot? They just love you that much.
Filthy Rich: "Bullets! Bullets on sale today only! Buy six and get the seventh free!"
Flim & Flam Fields: "Magic bullets! Shoot yourself in the hoof without a single moment of pain! Why bother going through the agony when you can keep up with fashion while keeping a smile on your face the whole time? Just leave the bullet out in full sunlight for three days so it can absorb Celestia's power, and then load it normally..." Of course, during those three days, they get their head-start. Which isn't quite enough to keep them ahead of a thousand limping ponies forever and the trial concludes with their being sentenced to have their hooves shot by every customer they bilked. One. At. A. Time.
Lightning Dust: Not to be outdone by Rainbow's machine gun, you show off in front of everypony by shooting yourself in the hoof with a grenade launcher. (metalillusionsismagic)
Big Macintosh: You shoot yourself in the hoof. Due to your normal stoic bearing and determination to get through all the chaos around you without changing your daily routine in the slightest, nopony ever notices.
Granny Smith: Back in your day, ponies shot themselves in all four hooves every morning before going out to work! In the snow! Uphill! Both ways! (Daedelean)
Braeburn: You shoot yourself in the hoof. The resulting jumps and howls of pain immediately turn into a desert settlement dance craze. (Daedelean)
Chief Thunderhooves: You stab yourself in the hoof with an arrow, as did your father before you, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him... (FanOfMostEverything)
Zecora: After straining not to roll your eyes, you managed to sublimate the effort into a sigh. "Please do not think me aloof: I will not shoot myself in the hoof. But the rest of you ponies are welcome to do whatever seems right to each of you." And then you retreat to the welcome isolation and relative safety of the Everfree. Possibly forever. (SongCoyote)
Trixie: You don't see any point to shooting yourself in the hoof. It's a stupid exercise practiced by idiot ponies who should really know better -- what do you mean, Twilight's doing it in the town square tomorrow? Fine. In that case, you'll be there five minutes later, and you? Are going to shoot yourself in all four hooves at the same time! Top that!
Snips & Snails: Shoot themselves in each other's hooves. And miss.
Iron Will: Shoot that hoof! Shoot that hoof! You're not anypony until you can get out of bed every morning, look up at the sky, and scream "I AM NATURE'S MOST PERFECT HOOF SHOOTER!"
Flitter: Sees the self-hoof-shooting trend as pointless and refuses to go along with it. However, she is perfectly happy to go around shooting everypony else in the hoof just to prove how pointless it truly is. Really, they should be thanking her. She just saved them so much time.
Shining Armor: He would have shot himself in the hoof, but we didn't even know he existed and so nopony knew to buy him a gun.
Jet Set: You would never shoot yourself in the hoof with anything less than a nickel-plated semi-automatic. And the grip must be inlaid with mother-of-pearl. (BrumbyRun)
Fancypants: To be honest, there is a rather rustic charm about a simple .38 revolver with a walnut stock. (BrumbyRun)
Jet Set (hastily revised): But of course! A rusty .38 is the only exception you would ever make! Ah-ha-ha... (BrumbyRun)
Derpy: You pull the trigger and miss. The bullet ricochets throughout Ponyville, piercing through countless support beams while generally violating the conservation of momentum. Ponyville's Tuesday quota for property destruction is met, and (somehow) nopony is hurt. You decide clouds are safer. (FanOfMostEverything)
Cheerilee: After taking a moment to consider another week of dealing with clueless students who seem to take any lesson they actually stay awake through as inspiration for another attempt to destroy the world, you very carefully misaim, give yourself a minor flesh wound, and take the rest of the semester off.
Lyra: Clearly the existence of the gun's trigger configuration indicates a culture which worked with fingers. Can't everypony see that? The final proof is right in front of you and you're about to shoot yourself in the hoof with it!
Bon Bon: Every time you shoot yourself, it's in a different hoof (SuperTrampoline)
Berry Punch: You wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover, a bullet wound in the hoof, and no idea what happened. (Samey90)
Maud Pie: You truly don't know what all the fuss was about. Admittedly, it was a somewhat interesting experience in a if-you-have-nothing-better-to-do way. *examines profusely-bleeding wound with total disinterest* But really, what was the point? (Samey90)
Flash Sentry: You shoot yourself in the hoof. A large portion of the fandom decides it's not enough, takes the gun, and commences to shoot everything else.
Flower Trio: Look at gun. Scream. Faint. Guns all go off on impact against the ground, successfully creating triangular pass-along hoof shooting.
Prince Blueblood: Oh, please. You have ponies to shoot you in the hoof for you.
*brief, massive stampede as everypony in Canterlot spontaneously forms a line*
,,,maybe you didn't quite think that one through. (Daedelean)
Nightmare Moon: Why not? It's not your hoof.
Sunset Shimmer: Why would you ever shoot yourself in the hoof? That's what fawning lackeys are for! Shoot, lackeys! Shoot as your mistress commands you! ...and there goes the crown right off your head. *sigh* Well, it's not as if you picked them for their brains. Or, come to think of it, their aim. (SuperTrampoline)
Sombra: After four months of dramatic announcements, Countdowns To Hoof Shooting, dark laughter at the mere prospect of the event, and making ponies tremble at the thought of what you're about to do, you gather the entire Empire to serve as your audience and pull the trigger. The bullet slowly slides out of the barrel and rolls across the floor. After a moment of awkward silence, you declare that was your intent all along, turn to dramatically stomp away, step on the bullet, and fall flat on your face.
Discord: Your hoof shoots you in the gun.
Chrysalis: You don't really understand hoof-shooting and how it's supposed to work, so you disguise yourself and sneak into an NRA meeting in order to get enough education that you'll be able to pass. Upon discovering the sheer amount of unquestioning love possessed by its members towards all weaponry, you abandon every plan to take over anything and spend the rest of your life hanging around gun shows, never going hungry again.
Changelings: This fad has passed. And your collective aim visibly sucked. (Samey90)
Cadance: You aren't actually capable of shooting yourself in the hoof, but you can certainly make old bullet wounds hurt like new! (FanOfMostEverything)
Celestia: You carefully arrange an unavoidable selection of poorly-labeled firearms and expose Twilight to them; when she inevitably shoots you in the hoof twenty minutes later, give her a lesson on gun safety. (Skywriter)
Luna: "Clearly this entire society has gone mad. I will be in my bath."
(I briefly considered putting this up as some form of story, but figured that would be the final submission straw. Plus we need a few more ponies. If you feel it might pass, say so and if it gets enough virtual votes, I'll submit it. If you want to suggest your own ponies and hoof-shooting lines, then with your permission, I'll add those in and give all contributors credit. And if it actually goes up, I'll make it clear that this is an all-access FIMFic bit and if anyone comes up with something great in the Comments section, that will be edited in with full credit.)
(Otherwise, I just really felt like being silly this morning.)
ETA: I'm going to set up the story page now and am providing a preview password here so that people can peek and ask for changes before anything actually gets submitted.
I'm rating it Teen because, y'know, gunfire, plus I have to anticipate what other people might submit. Tags are Comedy and Random because have you seen what we've collectively put together so far?
Location is here.
Preview password is practiceround.
If you don't like what I did with your entry, tell me and I'll remove it.
And for what it's worth, because this is a group effort, I very nearly named the chapter Gang Bang.
Final ETA: Well, it's never going up. The story failed moderation -- but not for being a list. For being in chat format. Since the only fix I'd had planned was to switch into dialogue as each character explained how they would accomplish the deed, that closes the file on this one. I'm not going to rework into a grand tour of every single pony (and others) pulling the trigger in a more conventional story style. So... page deleted and calling it a day.
As pretty much said to the moderator, I figured this one was doomed: I just predicted the wrong result on the autopsy.
Celestia: Carefully arrange an unavoidable selection of poorly-labeled firearms and expose Twilight to them; when she inevitably shoots you in the hoof twenty minutes later, give lesson on gun safety.
As for your question, I believe "lists" are explicitly prohibited. Can't quite remember, though.
2082017
Appears so. From the Don't Submit FAQ:
Even so... no, I can't quite talk myself into believing this would be the exception, but I'm still tempted to submit it anyway, just to get the official Failed Moderation notice as official stop. After all, the worst that can happen is that they'll ban me. And why should I not do something which could make so many people happy?
ETA: Just checked the word count. Without adding yours just yet, it's at 1341. So it's okay for that if nothing else.
Silly Twilight. What did you think went into fireworks?
Great stuff, especially Shining and Sombra. If I may offer a few of my own:
Cadance: Oh, you can't actually shoot yourself in the hoof. You can just make old bullet wounds hurt like new. There's a bazooka in your closet.
Murdocks: You have no idea how those blanks got in the gun.
Twist: You pull the trigger. No one pays attention to what happens afterwards.
Derpy: You pull the trigger and miss. The bullet ricochets throughout Ponyville, piercing through countless support beams and generally violating the conservation of momentum. Ponyville's Tuesday quota for property destruction is met, and nopony is hurt. You decide clouds are safer.
2082017
2082061 Well, Statistics, one of my favorite stories on the site, got through, and it's clearly a list of numbers. (I can't link on my phone, so here's the URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/48108/statistics )
Estee: You make a blog post asking FimFiction to help you shoot yourself in the foot. No one can find you, because no one recognizes what you actually look like because you still have no profile picture. (Too meta?
)
Bon Bon: "Shooting ponies? Lyyyyrraaaaaaa, that kiiiiiillls people!"
Scootaloo and a Stormtrooper try to shoot themselves in the appropriate appendage. The Stormtrooper misses every shot. Scootaloo dies anyway.
Lightning Dust: Not to be outdone by Rainbow Dash's machine gun, LD shows off in front of everyone by shooting herself in the hoof with a hand grenade.
The Smooze: You don't have any feet to speak of, so instead you sing the baseline on your villain song and give the lead part to the nice lady who created you, then shoot her in the foot.
Bon Bon: Every time you shoot yourself, it's in a different hoof
Braeburn: shoot yourself in the hoof, discover a fancy new form of western dancing.
Thunderlane: call in sick on hoof-shooting day.
Granny Smith: Back in my day, we shot ourselves in all four hooves every morning before going out work, in the snow, uphill, both ways!
Prince Blueblood: "Oh please. I have ponies to shoot me in the hoof for me."
*Massive stampede ensues as every pony in Canterlot forms a line*
"Maybe I didn't quite think that through..."
I have a feeling that Chrysalis already shot herself in the hoof... Or, in fact, in all the hooves, horn and wings...
Berry Punch: you wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover and a bullet wound in the hoof. You have no idea what happened.
Cloud Kicker (Winningverse): Bang!
Minuette (from Way To Go, Minuette, Way To Go!): you shoot yourself in the hoof. Then start rambling for ten minutes about how many gun safety rules you broke, why are you unemployed again and that you're surrounded by idiots who made you shoot yourself. Mention that you're horny, but you have no time for dates because you're looking for a job. Also, tell that your mother wouldn't approve of that.
Cloudchaser (A Kingdom Divided): Tell everyone that you don't shoot yourself in the hoof, because it's against your philosophy. Then see Flitter and Cloud Kicker shooting themselves in the hooves and do the same to make them stop.
Vinyl Scratch: Woooow... I'm sooooo hiiiiigh... Hmm, what does this thing do? *bang* Taaaaviiii!
Maud Pie: Well, while I don't know what's that fuss all about, I must admit that it was an interesting experience. (seconds after shooting herself, with the hoof bleeding profusely).
I think I will submit this thing early this afternoon. The giving of credit will be done by putting a link to each contributor's user page next to their entries.
So we'll all get rejected together.
Okay, so far, after combing and edits to match the classic foot-shooter style (because this joke did not start with me -- it's originally from an ancient beast about early computer languages which predates most of us), I've got the following:
2082013
Celestia: You carefully arrange an unavoidable selection of poorly-labeled firearms and expose Twilight to them; when she inevitably shoots you in the hoof twenty minutes later, give her a lesson on gun safety.
2082114
Cadance: You aren't actually capable of shooting yourself in the hoof, but you can certainly make old bullet wounds hurt like new!
Twist: You pull the trigger. Nopony pays any attention to what happens after that.
Derpy: You pull the trigger and miss. The bullet ricochets throughout Ponyville, piercing through countless support beams while generally violating the conservation of momentum. Ponyville's Tuesday quota for property destruction is met, and (somehow) nopony is hurt. You decide clouds are safer.
(I left out Murdocks because he's strictly a Continuum pony and this is more all-access.)
2082129
Lightning Dust: Not to be outdone by Rainbow's machine gun, you show off in front of everypony by shooting yourself in the hoof with a hand grenade. (I want to add something about additional casualties here, none of which could possibly be her fault.)
Not using the Stormtrooper one because Stormtrooper.
2082135
Bon Bon: Every time you shoot yourself, it's in a different hoof
2082140
Braeburn: You shoot yourself in the hoof. The resulting jumps and howls of pain immediately turn into a desert settlement dance craze.
Thunderlane: Upon seeing that it's hoof-shooting day, you quickly call in sick.
Granny Smith: Back in your day, ponies shot themselves in all four hooves every morning before going out to work! In the snow! Uphill! Both ways!
Prince Blueblood: Oh, please. You have ponies to shoot you in the hoof for you.
*brief, massive stampede as everypony in Canterlot spontaneously forms a line*
,,,maybe you didn't quite think that one through.
2082145
(Removed those character interpretations from other authors because they'd pretty much have to submit those on their own.)
Instead of a second Chrysalis, how about:
Changelings: This fad has passed. And your collective aim visibly sucked.
Berry Punch: You wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover, a bullet wound in the hoof, and no idea what happened.
Maud Pie: You truly don't know what all the fuss was about. Admittedly, it was a somewhat interesting experience in a if-you-have-nothing-better-to-do way. *examines profusely-bleeding wound with total disinterest* But really, what was the point?
*Grins* I wouldn't mind seeing these expanded into minor scenes of their own. Might help the accepted chances too.
Too late to get in on this? (My news feed seems to have derped.)
Jet Set: I would never shoot myself in the hoof with anything less than a nickel-plated, semi-automatic, with a grip inlaid with mother-of-pearl.
Fancy Pants: To be honest, there is a rather rustic charm about a simple .38 revolver with a walnut stock.
Jet Set: Of course a rusty .38 is the only exception that I would make... Ah-ha-ha...
2082204
Nope -- and just to make this clear, there is no real deadline on this. I'm going to submit the ?story? around 5 p.m. Eastern Daylight. But should it somehow get approved and go up, I will make it clear that the thing is in a state of perpetual edit. If I see a good one in the Comments section, it can be included.
So after tinkering to shootfoot format, your section would look like this:
Jet Set: You would never shoot yourself in the hoof with anything less than a nickel-plated semi-automatic. And the grip must be inlaid with mother-of-pearl. (BrumbyRun)
Fancypants: To be honest, there is a rather rustic charm about a simple .38 revolver with a walnut stock. (BrumbyRun)
Jet Set (hastily revised) : But of course! A rusty .38 is the only exception you would ever make! Ah-ha-ha... (BrumbyRun)
ETA: Incidentally, the title is currently set to be Shooting Yourself In The Hoof: A Pony Guide OR FIMFic Shoots Ponies
I'm going to set up the story page now and am providing a preview password here so that people can peek and ask for changes before anything actually gets submitted.
I'm rating it Teen because, y'know, gunfire, plus I have to anticipate what other people might submit. Tags are Comedy and Random because have you seen what we've collectively put together so far?
Location is here.
Preview password is practiceround.
If you don't like what I did with your entry, tell me and I'll remove it.
And for what it's worth, because this is a group effort, I very nearly named the chapter Gang Bang.
Found the original joke (or a version of it), if others want to read it!
Link
Octavia - You are willing to participate, but alter the plan slightly, the changes resulting simply in Russian Roulette. Your mafia father would be proud.
Zecora: The strain from not rolling her eyes shows plainly on her face. "I hope you don't think me aloof if I choose not to shoot myself in the hoof. But the rest of you ponies are welcome to do whatever seems right to each of you."
Gilda: With an evil smile, she volunteers to shoot anypony in the hoof too squeamish to do it themselves. She is startled by the number of requests.
Roseluck: Stays cheery in spite of the pain; successfully markets a new line of bud vases designed to fit comfortably in hoof holes.
That's all I've got today. I've enjoyed your twisted creation!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
Sunset Shimmer: You get those two fawning lackeys to shoot you in the foot (or hoof, depending on which universe you're in.).
Starswirl the bearded: You try to create a spell that will shoot you in the hoof, but because you never mastered the magic of friendship, you fail. Twilight Sparkle perfects your spell thousands of years later and grows 2 new hooves as a result.
2082518
2082513
Tinkered to these. (Zecora's was mostly trying to adjust the meter.) Acceptable?
Sunset Shimmer: Why would you ever shoot yourself in the hoof? That's what fawning lackeys are for! Shoot, lackeys! Shoot as your mistress commands you! ...and there goes the crown right off your head. *sigh* Well, it's not as if you picked them for their brains. Or, come to think of it, their aim. (SuperTrampoline)
Zecora: After straining not to roll your eyes, you managed to sublimate the effort into a sigh. "Please do not think me aloof: I will not shoot myself in the hoof. But the rest of you ponies are welcome to do whatever seems right to each of you." And then you get out of the area. Possibly forever. (SongCoyote)
And yes, this is going to be a lot of work for a mandatory Moderation Fail.
2082567 looks good to me.
2082567
Scansion is subjective; the mind that reads may fit the flow to their own perceived needs. But I am not troubled by your small alteration and am open to further experimentation! {needs Zecora icon}
However, I would alter the last line you added: And then you retreat to the welcome isolation and relative safety of the Everfree. Possibly forever.
Thank you kindly, and keep on having fun!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2082590
Done.
Incidentally, this is why I hate editing anyone else's work to any degree. It always feels like begging for a -- sudden outbreak of Harmony. Yeah, let's say that.
2082627
Thank you kindly, and I completely understand your complaint about editing. That's why whenever I collaborate, edit, or even proofread (except for the occasional helpful comment on a story, with which I am rather sparing) I am careful to discuss how much input the (co-)author wants and how to communicate them. It's generally tricky at best, and while I have come across people I love working with and with whom a great deal of trust has been established, it started rougher every time :
I actually kind of like it, though, even when it's hard. But I'm weird that way
It has certainly been a boon in my career, though! (I run Quality Systems in the biotech industry.)
Edited to add: you didn't like the Gilda or Roseluck ones? No biggie, just curious!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
Ah. Didn't realize this was general domain. In that case, a replacement for the collection. (If nothing else, it'll be an amusing joke you can link to from your user page.)
Chief Thunderhooves: You stab yourself in the hoof with an arrow, as did your father before you, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him...
2082902
First, a
, because I just found out I didn't put the link to the unpublished story in correctly. *sigh* It's fixed now, but the bad one was up there for a while. Sheesh. Go forth and preview whilst you can.
Second, that's just beautiful. Putting it in.
It is submitted. I'm expecting rejection turnaround in five minutes or less.
Honestly, I did think of a way to rework it to where it might pass: just turn it onto a group of dialogue bits where each character explains how they would do it. I did Twilight's rewrite as a sample.
"I'm going to need some time before I can do this. I know it's an official order to conduct a self-hoof shooting test and I'm hardly going to dodge around it! But I have to conduct research! Which model of gun is best? What do I do about the recoil? Is the bullet supposed to pass all the way through the hoof or am I going for more of an embedding effect? And for the love of all things Solar and Lunar, when did somepony invent gunpowder?"
And -- when -- if it fails moderation, I'll consider doing that across the board. But...
*shrug*
Let's see if the joke can limp that far.
Suri Polomare: The revolver you just shot yourself with was totally not stolen, and anypony claiming otherwise is just a jealous copycat.
edit: bugger, missed by minutes
2083224
Don't worry: it would never go in anyway. The rejection just came through, and the nature of it means I have no fix.
Failed moderation for being in chat format.
Which means tinkering to dialogue will get it failed twice for the same reason.
Given that, I'll delete the whole thing and call it a day.
2083321
sounds fair enough =P
edit: at least laughs were had
2083324
Here's hoping.
Still... chat format? Huh. Honestly never saw that one coming. I'm not going to argue that it should have been rejected for list format instead as rejection equals rejection in this equation no matter what the color of the ink. So it goes. Just... huh.
2083390
Well, that sucks. It was a beautiful dream...
2083390
Aw, that's a shame, even if it was expected
I just wish the draft could have stayed up - I rather enjoyed reading it!
As has been said: fun and laughs were had
so in that was it was a rousing success!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2083403
Well, that much I can fix. There's no moderation on blog posts (beyond no NSFW), so I'll just replace the original entry with the version which would have gone into the story.
Being shot in the hoof wouldn't hurt a pony at all. Their hooves are hard, unfeeling, and unbending; completely made out of keratin, their hooves have no nerves and therefore no ability to fee anything, up to an including pain.
2087652
Ever jam a fingernail?
Part of the problem is that once you get past the hoot wall, you're dealing with normal flesh and bone. And the wall is not quite bulletproof. Vets can get a lot of business from relieving hoof infections, dealing with cracks, getting rid of fungi... well, let's just say no one should look up 'hoof disease' on a full stomach.
I see the two of you are the only sensible ones.