What I've read cannot be unread · 12:05pm Mar 9th, 2013
People who have been watching me for... months or years probably know I've never been a blogger. I don't really update anything unless it is a new chapter to a fic, or to upload some new art on devart. I'm not the sort who really has much inclination, even, to share my thoughts online...
I'm on vacation, now, and something happened to me that I think I need to get off my chest.
A - a fanfic. It was a fanfic. Not for MLP, even, but Mass Effect.
It was just... disturbing. It didn't start out that way, but it became disturbing in ways I never would have imagined. I - I suspected it would be bad, from the start, just because of the premise, I knew that it could get unsavory, but I was curious. I'm an old hat at fanfiction, and I've read a lot of disturbing things and rather prided myself on being unphased. Often because the scenarios were all so contrived. But this... this beat everything. Even now, I'm struggling to describe my revulsion.
It is a fairly standard narrative practice, in these sorts of fics I know, to take a character - usually the most "innocent" one in the setting - and turn him or her into some sort of monster. To have them spit on their morality, abuse the trust of their friends, to even plot genocide and engage in mental and physical rape. Authors do this for the shock value - that the one doing this, being this monster, is the last everyone would expect. This is the basis of the infamous "Cupcakes" everyone attached to this blog must have at least heard about. This fic I read took Tali, and what she did in it... it made the gratuitous cruelty and cannibalism in Cupcakes seem like a mercy. I was actually reading the fic and thinking: I wish the Reapers would just come in and kill everyone, as that would actually constitute a good ending.
I have been reading and writing fanfics for over a decade, and this - this - has finally turned my stomach.
I don't know whether to applaud the author for getting my goat, even with an incomplete piece of what can only be called horrific psychological snuff and torture, or writing him or her and asking them get psychological help.
What's worse is, just thinking about any writing at all now fills me with revulsion. All I can think about when I TRY to recall my own outlines and plans for fics is that this person out there wrote this. I almost feel filthy just by virtue of being another fanfic author, even in a totally unrelated genre and writing for a totally unrelated audience.
For the first time in my life, I honestly wish I could take back reading something.
I so wish there was actual brain bleach now.
But since there isn't: should I write this author? Should I just grit my teeth and try and forget it? I honestly don't know right now how to deal with this. This situation I never imagined I'd be in.
Cupcakes wasn't even that good (it's kinda boring, not much really happens). I'm sorry, but it's famous because it was probably the first gore-for-the-sake-of-gore fic of MLP, and the gore itself was well written. There have been many good gore-for-the-sake-of-gore fics since, but Cupcakes remains the most famous.
Can I has link to disturbiness? Plz?
Well, don't leave us in suspense, let's see the link!
Sounds like it's really disturbed youquite a bit.
Remember though, that fic isn't your fic and that author isn't you. You aren't sullied by occupational association with him any more than by sharing species with monsters and idiots.
If I were you I'd just forget it. I doubt you'll be able to do anything other than provoke an argument.
Hot damn, now I wanna read it.... lenk? :3
You can try to initiate a conversation with the guy, but I'm not sure how much good it would do. I think if you give it some time, you'll move past it. As you said, you already know the tricks behind it, so you know you can get over it eventually. This seems to have merely been a case of cheap tactics being pulled by a decent writer, one sufficiently capable of getting to you for a change.
Your stories aren't like that, anyway. Feeling that kind of guilt by association as a fellow fanfiction writer is just your head playing games with you, using something common between that writer and yourself to keep you thinking about something you want to forget.
Huh, I'm actually surprised by this. Of all the stories you yourself have written, and with the latest arc in Reflections Lost on a Dark Road coming to mind, I'd have thought you'd be prepared for a story that makes characters act in a disturbing and uncomfortable way.
But, I have come across some fics in my day that have left me wondering for the sake of humanity. There are some Ranma 1/2 stories that I've come across that I wish I could forget. Not because they were poorly written (many times the opposite!) but they just plunge the characters into the depths of depravity with no light at the end of the tunnel. Usually, when that happens, I boot up a video game and play until my mind has been wiped by pixelated goodness.
As for what you should do? Well, perhaps commenting on the story in question will give you some closure. I advise not leaving a nasty review, because I know you're better than that, but say to the author that this story has touched you in that way that makes you want to point it out on the doll. Explain what you experienced and perhaps this will get it all out of your system. Leaving it to fester certainly won't make your vacation any fun!
For the author? Maybe in real life he's a nice guy and just wants to get his frustrations out in this way. I never played Mass Effect but I know there were a lot of hard feelings towards the ending to the series. Perhaps this is his non-violent way to cope with it. Who knows. Just because someone writes a story a certain way, doesn't mean they practice what they preach.
Hope I've helped in some way! Enjoy your time off!
Just forget it ever happened and move on away from that fic. You can forget, trust me on this.
And there is brain bleach, it's called "massive amounts of alcohol and pot." Or if you're advanced, cocaine.
I'm partially curious as to what could have been so bad to make you react this way, but then I remember that some things are best left unknown.
Coming from you I trust you on the sentiment this fic should not be read
Adding my voice to the tumult of link requests.
Also, the only fanfic I've read that made me queasy was 120 Days of Blueblood, because it holds extremely closely to the Marquis' original writing, and the inhumanities therein are inflicted on characters that we as a fandom are already attached to.
You mean something worse than "A Fun Day" on this site?
I just read "The Heart Thief", recommended by Aquillo, and that may be the first time I've read a story that's good that made me feel that way. I wish I'd never read it, so you might not want to look it up.
You know we need a link yeah?
I had a similar experience once, years ago. I found a random book in a library with a bunch of short stories, and one of these stories was the most traumatizing thing I've ever read. I'm not going to describe it, but it was just a small piece of existential/cosmic horror. For whatever reason, maybe my youth, maybe how unexpected it was, maybe I was just off that day, but while I've read much worse before and since that story got to me on the deepest level.
I tried to get over it. It was a stupid story, and I shouldn't care about it! And that didn't work at all. I couldn't get over it. It had already gotten through my defenses, and I couldn't fight back. It was only when I stopped thinking about it, when my mind stopped fighting itself and I got some distance from it that it stopped hurting. After a few days I was able to go back mentally to the story and heal myself of the emotions. I looked back on it and realized that the author was a fuckheaded idiot of the worst variety, that the emotional manipulations of the story were big, but they were shallow things that only gained power because I gave them that power. Also, the human mind didn't work that way. Even if you could get character x in fictional situation y, only a fuckhead like that idiot author would think that anyone would react that way.
Basically, what I learned is that sometimes people can't heal emotional wounds while the emotions are still stuck in their heads. You need to go and do something that will take your mind off it for awhile. Do something that will occupy your mind and not give you time to let those thoughts circulate. Play a game, watch a movie, go watch some old favorite episodes of FiM. You will get better. Just as you have the power to block against emotional hurt, so too do you have the power to heal yourself. The reason the story still has you paralyzed is because even now your thoughts and emotions are in the same pattern that they had when you first read the story. Give yourself some emotional distance, and soon enough you'll be better.
Also, some last advice for you to read later: GET MAD! That stupid story dared to hurt you? WELL TEAR IT TO PIECES! You're stronger than that shit. your belief in the inherent good of fanfiction will not be brought low by such a weak challenger! You don't need brain bleach when you've got RIGHTEOUS FURY! Drink some Rainbow Juice and KICK THAT STORY INTO ORBIT!
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This person is asking for help, and you all can find the stupid story yourselves with minimal effort. Go jump in a lake.
902529 I once read Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. Nobody is allowed to claim to be 'disturbed' by anything until they've read it. Now I want my goddamn link.
You can't unread it, so unwrite it.
Write something so thoroughly wholesome and healing that you cleanse that muck from the folds of your grey matter. Show that, as a fanfic writer, you can rise above the worst the internet has to throw at you, and come out of it a brighter, better person for your suffering.
I hear ponies are good for this. :3
902472
The heart thief didn't do me in that badly. Or at all really, it was an excellent story in any case (despite, or rather because the ending being in my opinion, much worse then cupcakes due to the psychological aspects and the way it all built up to it. Making you feel for the characters, you end up with a real sense of betrayal)
What really fucked me up is chapter 15 of My Little Alicorn, to this day it remains the only fic that has ever blindsided my feels. And Jesus fuck did it blindside me like a immolated train flying free from the tracks, I literally felt sick after reading it. It inspired me to write chocolate frosting, where I tried to use the same techniques but failed horribly.
Now about the blog post.... what kind of asshole pikes our interest in such a way then just leaves us dry... I demand a link!!!
welcome to humanity
In all seriousness, when I read something like that and it sticks with me I find it's best to immerse yourself in a genre fiction work you can really lose yourself in. Proper immersion in something is probably is the best brain bleach you can get.
902529
Well what the hell else am I going to say, it's mass effect fanfic and no plot synopsis, how the hell else am I going to find it? Also it's Mass effect fanfic, it's not like he went and read The Girl Next Door or something by Yehiel De-Nur or whatever. Forgive me for not taking it completley seriously.
Write.
Write something. Write within that author's world. Even if it's something extremely simple as a revenge fic where you - yourself, the author of that piece - breaks the 'fourth wall' and enacts your version of justice. Or you help this Tali character realize why what she (he?) does is wrong. Or write a meta-fiction where Tali is reading this with revulsion. Or use it as a story Tali herself is using to describe 'the worst possible thing' to her (his? I'm going female, name sounds female) crewmates and have them looking at her in horror as she responds that they wanted 'the worst possible thing' for this crew-wide story contest.
The fic is still there, in your mind. Rattling around, disturbing your thoughts. If you give voice to those thoughts in a creative manner, you can give yourself closure. It might not work but I've found it helps end fics that won't leave you alone.
902421 Huh. I'm not surprised Ranma would have some fics along the lines. "The Bitter End" wasn't quite on the same league as what Capn' read but man...
Anyway, Capn, just remember Sweetie. Oh, and write a little thing where you have the Tali from another universe pop in, shoot cupcake!Tali in the head and leave. Or read a few good Tali fics.
i.imgur.com/73gKVtm.jpg
902529
As to the second to last paragraph do things the Cave Johnson way GET MAD, create a combustible lemon, then use the lemons to burn...oh wait that was for life's manager and I don't want you in jail for arson carry on
My stance: Don't bother writing them back. Yes, it was an unimaginably disturbing fic, I get that. But... who's to say if there's anything wrong with the author? The fact that they could write such a sociopathically depraved fiction suggests that they do in fact know the difference between right and wrong. So I very much doubt they're as insane as their story would suggest.
Also, would you be writing to them for their sake, or for yours? It's one thing to try and help them for their sake, but another to try and change them because you're uncomfortable with the vision they've portrayed. That's censorship, and based on what you're writing, it sounds like that's what you want to do. You've been unsettled, so you want to make this story go away for your comfort. If that really is the case, then I can only reiterate: don't write them about it.
Beyond that, just... recognize that you aren't setting out to create something horrible. That separates you from them, and your writing from theirs. Associating one with the other is like associating Discover magazine with Playboy just because they're both magazines. Your story and his are just fanfiction, and share only that. It says nothing about the content or value of that fanficiton. So don't let this affect your opinion of your own work.
I think you're arguably the best writer on here, bar none, and it would be a shame to see you tripped up by such a crude exercise in excess.
902551
My LIttle Alicorn was all over the map in terms of mood, and that Ch15 was a gutpuncher for sure. Bringing up Blueblood, the sequel, is far more cohesive, and I think it makes for a better story.
And my reactions to awful things is jealousy. I want to create that kind of emotional impact. It gets me mad that he/she did and I didn't!
I've experienced what you are a few times myself.
No need for details.
Want my advice?
Laugh it off.
Don't deny how disturbing it is and brush it away like those contrived ones.
Instead laugh at it BECAUSE it's horrific.
Because it is bad and pathetic and the author is very fucked up.
I have read a bunch of FiM gore and rape fics, as well as fics that simply do a terrible disservice to the characters and setting even without the nasty stuff.
Half of them I read "straight", half I read as MSTs. Guess which half upset me and which half didn't?
Face your enemy, face yourself, face your fear.
902916
We are talking bout fanfiction right?
902923
And I was quoting Mortal Kombat. What's your point?
902554 Haha, I cannot read that comment in anything other than a Flutterscream "You're going to LOVE MEEEEEE!!!"
As for your situation, I dunno, I would think that you just have to give it some time, and get your brain some distraction. You can write the author,but ultimately I don't think it will do anything, the guy is probably just going to be happy that he got such a reaction out of you.
There have been some other good suggestions of what to do to get your mind off of this, but my own would be to just go outside for a while, find someplace quiet, by yourself, and just relax, in the fresh air. That always helps me to clear my mind and 'cleanse' myself.
You're welcome.
Seriously though, don't read this if you have any good-will toward coopercrisp.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
Carry On
903170
I know that.
It was just related.
Carry On
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Jesus. Well, since a bunch of people insist on it, the fic was Quarian Directives.
I'd originally gone to look for "Down with the Ship" (due to a recc) which was a crackfic poking fun at badly written clop (in it, a character in-verse is writing about clop in-verse but with a particular narrative style that mimics how they talk, so it was actually pretty hilarious). I probably should have just moved on after Down with the Ship, but I stupidly decided to look around and, stupidly, I saw Quarian Directives right after. The rest was just disgusting.
I really don't recommend reading it, though. And I realize this may just encourage some people to anyway, but if your tastes are like my own, you're better off giving it a pass. I honestly can't fathom the mind of the person who could read this and enjoy it beyond the deceptively harmless first chapter.
(making a separate post now, for those who don't want the name of this... story)
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As for everyone else (and I think I'll make this a separate post) thanks for posting...
I still have the discomfort of that fic in the back of my mind, today, and I'm not sure whether to just try and ignore it or try and purge it somehow. I'm hoping to distract myself with other things. This is my vacation after all.
The author... I guess the author must have written this as a "challengefic" - as that is one of the tags - though I don't know what the challenge was. He or she's written lots of other stuff, many on similar veins, but I doubt any were quite so vile. The challenge could well have been to take this character and turn her into something so peety and disgusting and abusive. I don't know. After reading what you guys wrote to me and thinking about it, though, I don't think I'll bother contacting the author. What would I say, really? "Congratulations? Your fanfic made me sick? That it made me loathe a depiction of one of my favorite characters?"
I think the story that disgusted me was also his or her most popular story... which has disturbing implications. Not surprising, though, but still disturbing.
I hope some okonomiyaki and time at the beach will help me get my mind back on track to better things.
903583 Perhaps it is the most popular story precisely because of this sort of reaction among it's readership?
You don't make a blog post about every story you read, do you?
You should link it and let me decide!
Nevermind, saw the name of the story below. Let's go fuck myself up! Thanks, Cap!
Future Me will probably hate you, though.
903583 Make sure you get the Ran-chan Special
903582
Thanks, so far it's turning out to be a brilliant fic.
Just to be sure it is 55,028 words right?
903583
I would link you something brutally inane to take your mind off it. But I don't honestly know what kind of inane you go for.
I shall resign myself to remaining ever curious, but not quite curious enough to read this.
Much like cupcakes.
Time heals most wounds and softens most memories.
May this be one such for you.
In the meantime, go ye forth and read some extremely silly comedy.
I usually find it helps at least a bit
902712
Just out of curiosity was it bad, bad like worse than or as bad as Agony in Pink or 120 Days of Sodom; or was it only so bad because of the character decimation.
What I mean is would it have as much impact if read by someone who had never played Mass Effect?
Pretty heavy stuff, especially with the manipulation and severe character breakdowns. Looks liked it's poised to get worse, too.
i.imgur.com/9QhmA.gif
Maybe this might help?
But yeah, I agree with those that are suggesting you try doing something to get your mind off it. Reading a good book, or a tv or movie marathon usually helps when I get hit with this sort of thing. Basically, occupy your mind with something else, and force it out of your short term memory. The more you let it percolate through your head, the worse it will get, so don't let it.
I hope only to be useful, here....
The best antidote for terrible, or bad, things, in my experience, is good things. I try, sometimes sheepishly, to avoid incidents such as you have described, having been hurt before. I find though, that if you give it time, let it get out of you, and then take in the most beautiful, wholesome things that you can find, that it helps.
Words are like food for the soul. Sometimes, you take in a bad meal; it's sour in your belly and makes you sick. While you're still sick, it's sometimes hard to take in good food. That's okay, just let it digest. When you're ready, though, take in good things. Good food.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." -Philippians 4:8
Hope that helps.
903583
Disturbing implications? Meh, it's not surprising to me. There's a saying my father taught me, and it serves me well when I encounter stuff like this:
"Peoples is Assholes."
Yes, the bad grammar is on purpose. It fits, trust me.
902689 <---
That is what I would do, except I wouldn't read something like that in the first place. No reason to torture myself, eh?
Actually, that's similar to what I did long ago to stop having nightmares (like when I was 10 or something). In the next dream, I just slammed the door on the monster and that was that. I've had only like 1 or 2 nightmares since. So, this kind of mental exercise can be highly effective.
I do hope you are finding some peace on your vacation. Best wishes to you.
How...how horrid. I thank you for adding something to my "don't ever EVER read list." Sounds like it might just kill me. Noping the fuck out. Hope you recover from that. I only skimmed "Sweet Apple Massacre" way back when but boy did that do a number on me...
You should never read Ri2's Pokemon fanfics, then. His stuff makes Cupcakes look like child's play and then, just to top it off, it'll make you laugh.
Oh, and there's some three million words of that.
So yeah.
Cap'n--
I really can't add anything to the advice you've already received here as to how to cleanse yourself of the mental muck with which you've been slimed, except to say that I agree with Zerbin>>904674 , PresentPerfect 902545 , and Minalkra 902689 . They made some particularly good points in the above linked comments, it seems to me.
I would, however, add the following, as a fellow aspiring author, and a teacher of authors, who has struggled with exactly the same kind of not-able-to-get-horrific-things-out-of-my-head-whenever-I-try-to-write thinking which you seem to be describing:
While it may be beneficial (and even wise) to take a short break from your writing as you try to cleanse your mind, don't wait too long.
When I had an experience similar to the one you describe, I intentionally laid off from writing my novel for a month, trying to get my head on straight. By the time I felt clean enough to get back to it (about two weeks into my self-imposed sabbatical) I was still scared of imitating something from the ambush to which I had been subjected, and chose to wait that extra two weeks...
Biggest mistake I ever made when it comes to my writing.
By the time that next two weeks was over, my connection with--and hence impetus for--the story had waned. It was eighteen months before I ever wrote another word on my current project, and because of that and other life commitments which arose during that extended time, I still have not finished.
And I regret it.
My advice: As soon as that fic isn't the first thing in your head when you start to consider writing (and this is acknowledging that it may still be the second or the third, at the time) WRITE!
Yes, it will be hard. (Do it anyway.)
Yes, you might copy something from your recent horror-ambush. (That's what fifteen-minute breaks, deep breathing, perusal, and multiple drafts are for. [in that order])
I agree with several on here who have said that you are one of the top authors on here. Along with Pen Stroke, RealityCheck, RainbowDoubleDash, and a very few others I've seen on here in my short six months of membership, you have the potential of actually making a living with words.
Don't quit, Cap'n--you would deprive yourself of opportunity, and the community (however tightly or loosely you choose to define that term) of a great gift.
That's the best advice I can offer you.
I wish you Peace,
--Storyteller27
Best advice is what you've been given and I gather you've already done: don't let yourself stop. For what it's worth, I've been there and I'm still not out of it.
I write dark, ugly stuff, but the ending to Beating the Heat made me physically ill and, if you let yourself work through the implications, is possibly the most horrible thing I've ever read. There have been other things before and since to contribute, but I more or less stopped my last project after reading it and haven't started again. I'm on something new and lighter to change gears.
If you haven't, and it's still bugging you, I might suggest writing a large comment to the author detailing everything in full to vent, discard it, and then actually write a much condensed version in a comment section. It gnawed at me until I did, and finally doing it helped.
Best of luck.
You should read Jim Sterling's Mass Effect 3 fanfic, that'll make you feel better.