Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #48 · 8:30pm Feb 6th, 2023
While I’m no active pre-reader/editor, I have sometimes lent my services on such for Ponyfic when people asked. Last fall, one such fic was for Jarvy Jared’s Cammie. And as the crafty sod had the whole thing written before publishing a word, allowing for bi-weekly updates, now it’s all up. If this kind of story tickles your reading bone.
As I’m obviously not going to review fics I pre-read or edited for, consider this my pitch for it to reach a wider audience (something it rather deserves, with barely 350 first-chapter views even now). It’s a very rare beast in being both a G5 longfic, a G5 mostly-OC fic, and a G5 fic that, while touching lightly on both that generation’s lore and the connection to FiM, is mostly its own thing. And all the better for it, reminding me of early FiM fics, OC-focused or otherwise, that didn’t disrespect the source material and managed to do their own thing. On the surface, it’s the tale of a widowed mare joining an expedition to extend Equestria’s railway to the frozen north, but the fic really only uses that adventure hook as, well, a hook: its passion and focus lies in her wrestling with her past, both lost husband and still-here son, all alongside the odd ponies she’s working with as they work through their issues.
Certainly, it’s not the kind of adventure fic one goes to for a rip-roaring adventure; it’s a slow burn character study much of the time (fully half my notes were variations on “we should snug this scene up to hit that slow burn balance that fully holds the reader’s attention 
), though one using the new frontier’s landscapes and isolation to accentuate it. And one certainly should not go into it expecting concrete answers to the G4 backstory questions it does drop either; this is a story that knows the unsaid is sometimes more powerful, even often.
It’s not the easiest story to recommend, but it does grip more or less from the word go, and if you’re looking for a medium-length longfic that’s a potent character study against the backdrop of a changing nation, all with a deft blends of tones in and around melancholy, this may well be your kind of fic. 
With that recommendation done, how about the regular batch of stories for this week? Bit of a shorter one, but gotta clear out a lot of the smaller ones sooner or later, as they say.
This Week’s Spectral Stories:
There is no Luna by a human
Cracked Beauty by Slate Sadpony
Marble's Horizon by The Hat Man
Reading Rainbow by Corejo
"In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever done anything smart?” by PennyDreadful
Weekly Word Count: 25,306 Words
There is no Luna by a human
Genre: Dark (Alternate Universe)
Twilight, Celestia
3,055 Words
January 2015Listened to via Scribbler's reading
Even after becoming a Princess, Twilight’s request to Celestia to be granted access to the Canterlot Library’s Forbidden Wing has been denied time and time again. When, finally, it is granted, Twilight bolts for Canterlot, eager to finally see that which not even the other princesses have seen. Little does she know it will soon become clear why these books were locked away…
This story definitely has a rough start in the intro scenes of Twilight’s thoughts as she approaches the library, and then poking around in it. From ‘off’ details that rub the wrong way (no, Twilight has not wanted to be a princess since she was a filly), to mishandling of Twilight reading things that rub her the wrong way and giving us nothing to go off of, it’s a sloppy start. Things improve quite a bit once she goes to Celestia to hear the truth – suffice to say, what Twilight is told is the rare instance of historical revisionism that doesn’t paint Celestia as a tyrant, even though it still has many of the trappings of one. So if you can roll with that, this is quite something (if rather simply executed, just getting the explanation from Celestia and ending shortly afterward).
I must confess, while it does earn its thought-provoking Dark tag (and yup, you bet there was heavy comments debates on publication, which means several hundred, given this has 21K views), and is quite the delectable and interesting extrapolation, the sloppiness still pokes through in ways that can’t be passed off under the Alternate Universe tag without further organic explanation, much less logically comparing them to the undisputable events in the show’s pilot and beyond (for me, the main clincher is that the reveal states and requires that ponies all over Equestria knew about Luna from history, when the show’s opening makes it clear such a fact was confined to rare fable/history books, and hardly anypony knew). But while these do diffuse the result a bit (another edit, or getting in a proofreader, would have helped), they don’t take away from it. Regardless of the rating, its strengths are enough to consider giving it a look.
Rating: Decent
Cracked Beauty by Slate Sadpony
Genre: Slice of Life
Derpy, OC
4,019 Words
September 2013Listened to via Scribbler's reading
Derpy dearly wishes her passion and dedication for being a mailmare could make up for her wall eye. But, it’s not enough, and now she’s on her last chance; one more broken package and she gets the sack. So when a mid-air collision results in a failed dive for the fallen good, her heart’s as broken as the contents within.
The small sampler of Sad Derpy fics from the old days that have crossed my path must surely pale in comparison to the deluge at the time, yet even the small amount I’ve read has more or less burned me out on them. Which is a bit unfair to bring up for this one, for it does somewhat stand apart from the norm, mostly by virtue of, after its cookie-cutter setup, swerving into a far more upbeat and positive tone.
Therein lies the issue; the setup thus demands a tonal fusing throughout the story’s back half that is laid on quite thick, and requires severe tunnel vision (of the mental variety) on Derpy’s part. You can also add things working out a bit too perfectly; making the main OC here a perfect counterpart and pick-me up for Derpy is fine after a fashion, but one particular aspect rubs it in way too thick and was totally unnecessary.
That being the case, for being overcooked and lumpy, it is largely satisfying and enjoyable; after a grumpy opening boss, the two OCs are well characterised, with the main one being a well-fleshed out and interesting sort. Even if that’s mostly of the “finding out their special talent” variety, they help to carry the bulk of the fic along nicely. And for all the happy end result is a little unconvincing and the prose overwrought, it’s nice and sweet enough. Not enough if you’re not at least somewhat partial to these kinds of Derpy fics, but it’s a reasonable bridge and gateway. I don’t regret reading it, anyway, even if I doubt it’ll stick with me.
Rating: Decent
Marble's Horizon by The Hat Man
Genre: Slice of Life
Pie Sisters (Marble Pie)
4,554 Words
March 2016
For Marble Pie, who has lived on the rock farm her whole life, every day is the same. Same chores, same family, same duties. And also every day, while fetching water from the well, she looks to the horizon. Lately, she’s begun to wonder what lies beyond that horizon for her. And if she’ll ever have the nerve to find out.
For a fic where very little actually happens, and which could possibly feel more like a prelude than a self-contained story, I was quite surprised by how taken I was with this. Marble’s characterisation as expressed through her thoughts (this is in present-tense 1[supst Person POV) is really solid. It’s full of clipped, timid thoughts, of her knowing she can barely find it in herself to speak up, of her observing the dull routine of the lives of her, Limestone and her parents. In some hands this might be a weak character voice, but The Hat Man makes it still characteristic of Marble and able to grab the reader. Or, well, this reader, anyway.
The writing is soft, soothing and surprising all at once, both in the formation of the prose and the little character moments along the way. All enough to make a pretty foregone conclusion feel earned and like a climax. If you value strong characterisation of a quiet voice that isn’t just Fluttershy (it’s most impressive how this never feels like a retooled Fluttershy fic), you’ll really like this.
Rating: Pretty Good
Reading Rainbow by Corejo
Genre: Comedy(?)/Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash, Twilight
7,354 Words (4,785 omitting 2nd chapter with isolated story-within-story)
February 2012Reread
Rainbow Dash is devastated to find Twilight’s stuck in Ponyville hospital for a couple of weeks, with her eyes outta commission. Remembering what Twilight did for her when the roles were reversed, Dash elects to stay and read her a story. The book she picks leaves her nonplussed, but Twilight is enjoying it enough that Dash sticks with it.
This story is kind of in two minds. The story-within-a-story is a cheap-n-cheerful whimsical tale, akin to a Dr. Seuss storybook, of a stallion who has everything in halves (half a house, half his mane dyed, etc.) reinventing himself for a mare who captures his heart, only to lose himself in doing so. I understand the poetry here used to barely function, but several rewrites now have the metre and rhyme functioning properly, and thus even without the storybook pictures that are occasionally alluded to but which we never see, it skips on by. Possibly helped by the breaks to the framing story.
Meanwhile, that framing story is… okay? The pieces are there for some light and fluffy slice of life friendshipping, especially as a thematic contrast and follow up to Read It and Weep, but the framing device gets weirdly diminished towards the end, and other than Dash seeing Twilight having nodded off, none of the arcs or points ostensibly planted or set up earlier really pay off or amount to anything. There’s no takeaway, no fresh level of their friendship acknowledged, nothing. You could tell me this was the first chapter of a multi-chapter work and I’d believe you.
The end result is both different stories here weaken the other by association and mixing. To be clear, I still liked it, and the story within is very charming and wields its poetry pen well enough that even those normally adverse to poem-style stories will like it. It just feels like it could have been so much more. As old fandom classics with a staggering number of views go, it’s not hugely deserving of that. But I see worse older stories with even more attention all the time. It’s a mixed bag, but probably worth the read once.
Rating: Decent
"In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever done anything smart?” by PennyDreadful
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Drama
Twilight, Chrysalis, Thorax
6,324 Words
January 2023
The reformation of the changelings wasn’t completely an “alls well that ends well” situation. And Twilight isn’t Celestia. So, she pursues the former changeling queen. In doing so, however, she finds some surprising truths about just why Chrysalis really is, and about the truth of politics and ruling.
These days, even stories from the big established authors would have a lot of trouble reaching 1.8K views in their first three days (and 3.4K now, thirty-four days after publication). So for a story from a new author with only two basically unread fics to their name to do that is truly a sight unseen, and between that and the intriguing fixfic concept to one of the show’s most “only what’s onscreen makes sense, what’s offscreen has holes and contrivances like you wouldn’t believe” finales, I, like many others, read this during its lengthy stint on the Featured Box.
Once past the premise, and having Twilight catch a distraught Chrysalis, PennyDreadful does a reasonable job at doling out their headcanon for why Chrysalis went through with her plans in Seasons 2 & 6. I’m sure the ideas within aren’t totally original, but they’re certainly fresh enough (she’s actually young, for one thing), with a few offbeat changeling lore notions keeping things enlivened. It’s a bit plainly-told, quick to launch into exposition mode with Chrysalis being a sad sack, but it believes in this empathetic side, and uses Twilight going with her instincts in that direction well enough, that it suffices.
Then things get to the second scene… and with no warning, we’re out of deep emotional territory and into the minefield of intentionally dumb comedy. It is of course possible to navigate that tonal whiplash and turn it into a strength, but PennyDreadful hasn’t managed that here. Thus, despite ostensibly following up the first half, it doesn’t even feel as if it’s in the same universe, much less the same story. More distracting is that the second half doles out a totally different sequences of events for To Where and Back Again in shorthand (basically that only Flurry was kidnapped and everyone else that was in canon stormed the hive collectively), and makes a hash of it being comprehensible or landing correctly. There were slight canon deviations in the first scene, but given its far more sincere tone and playing the events of A Canterlot Wedding 100% the same, just with different motivations, it breaks the fic. In any case, the second half does have some amusing jokes and “why did canon do this” jabs, but they are far more common and rote.
In essence, the fic has strong strengths in both halves, but they’re not the same strengths, and any attempt to make them feel of the same place doesn’t register. This was all evidently PennyDreadful’s decision – the long description specifically says it’s less a fixfic and more an exploration if they were running the ship, and their profile literally says “Writer of very deep emotions and very stupid comedy.” Which is great! But they need to be merged together, not in their own separate pockets for the same story. I did appreciate it for not being cynical and mean-spirited the way fixfics are, and many of the ideas and individual points throughout caught my interest strongly. But, alas, they largely dim each other rather than brighten their neighbours by proximity.
Then again, I’ve seen far worse debuts for a new author. Well near territory of solid results, with a little careful work and consideration for future fics.
Rating: Passable
Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 0
Really Good: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Decent: 3
Passable: 1
Weak: 0
Bad: 0
As you know, I read Marble's Horizon in December. It seems we had broadly similar responses to it, so not much to say there. Your thoughts on Reading Rainbow are interesting. I read that way back (2014) and at that time it was considered something of a fandom classic. I was a bit underwhelmed. I'm not sure if/how the poetry differs now from its 2014 version, but I found it a little forced -- too much use of the word "had", for example. If that's improved, I'm glad.
As for Cammie... you know me, a near-100k-word story isn't going to be an easy sell, but it's by a good author and as you say it's an unusual bird, so I'll keep it in mind.
For the record, I'd never ask any of my prereaders or editors to promote any of my stories which they work on, out of respect and consideration for the fact that they are already doing me a huge favor for helping me in the first place; so seeing you recommend my little (little compared to other stories, I mean) novel was quite the surprise. Thank you ever so kindly!
I've heard of "Reading Rainbow" before - in fact, I think I've come across it in browsing for slice of life stories (and definitely have seen that cover art before). I think I was always curious to see what it was about, though, based on your review, its framing shows a certain underdevelopment. Still, it seems cute enough and worth checking out for some mild sweetness. "Marble's Horizon" also intrigues me, though I admit that I never was too taken with the Pie sisters (except for Maud. I love Maud!). Still, if the freshness of the emotions and the quality of its voice are as good as you say, it's probably worth checking out.
5712461
I think you missed the reply button!
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Well, as mentioned, it ain't ever gonna be reviewed here, so this was the next best thing, and right now, when it's just finished, was the best time. Plus, it made for a reasonable opening discussion topic, and I always welcome those.
But yes, I'd never ask that of pre-readers or editors either, purely on my own volition on this one. 
Me feeling compelled by the fic enough to do this, take pride in that. It's a good fic! 
The hype for the Pie sisters can be a bit overbearing at times, aye, and I don't personally see much to it beyond atypical tsundre/woobie character attraction. Which doesn't invalidate them or nothing, to be fair. But they do rarely send me giddy with excitement just on the characters involved alone. Still, on Marble never feeling like Fluttershy in her inner voice alone, I'd recommend it for its writing chops, so it's well worth the look.
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[Thanks to 5712463 for pointing out I missed making this a formal reply initially.
How very presumptuous of you, to assume I remember every fic review of yours I've come across!
It's not as though I only came across this fic via your review of it or nothing! 
Well, Corejo said on a recent comment for the story that the poem parts have gone through more iterations than they can count, and I know at least one of them, the first and most major revision to the story, was before May 2013, when Present Perfect's blog on it that was off of a request to look at the revised version, went live. I'm sure more answers as to how it's changed can be dug up in comments and the blogs if one feels so inclined.
That makes two of us, amigo. But it does work, otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it at all.
My very first story was chaptered, and I quickly learned it was a bad idea to start publishing when I only had the first chapter done, assuming I could keep up a schedule. Ever since, I've never published anything before it was completely finished, though I would still dole out chapters once per week. Not only is it easier for readers to keep up with in that case, it's much less stressful on the author. Good call on Jarvy to do it that way.
Wow, Reading Rainbow was an earrrrrly read for me, back when I was uncritically devouring any and all pony. I kinda doubt it'd hold up for me today, but look at that cover art. That shit's adorable.
I really appreciate the feedback, and it was a big surprise to see you pop up in my notifications!
Comedy and drama are super hard to work with together, and I'm always delighted to have people weigh in on my attempts to balance them, because I haven't done anywhere near enough writing to find the secret krabby-patty formula for merging the two.
I'll find it some day, but for now I really appreciate the straight-talk on what makes them blend or not blend. I'm dealing with the fact that one part of my writer brain writes out big teary monologues and then builds stories around them, and the other part of my brain solves writing problems with "Just make things goofier until the story moves smoothly again".
It's especially frustrating, because comedy comes very naturally to me when I'm trying to write drama (See the second half of In All the Time), but absolutely refuses to come out of the bottle when I'm trying to actually write comedy (See Great Shut-in Caper, a story that had me chanting "done is better than perfect" as I dragged it to the finish line.)
So overall, I appreciate the analysis! It's not an easy task, and any thoughts on it help.
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While I don't know that it quite explains 60K, I can totally believe the story's cover art went a long way towards its view count. It is just perfectly adorable. And picking cover art that makes a story that compelling to read is a skill worth noting!
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That's actually more true than you think, and isn't anything to be ashamed of: it shows that's it's hard to forcibly write out-and-out comedy. And especially these days, even the funniest stuff, even if it has a comedy-first tone, is usually still doing a legit, proper story with proper characterisation.
I'm no expert at writing comedy, but if you stick to the main point in the review of not pivoting between two tones that far apart from one another until one has the writing chops to pull that kind of stunt off, you'll go from there. Other tips: Consider whether the jokes the characters are making actually reinforce the main point or takeaway of your story, or undermine/distract from it (and of course, this is subjective to a notable degree). If not, how can they be rephrased or changed so they do? Do they feed into the natural flow of the scene or feel like you're stopping to say them? Do they feel like things the characters are actually saying, or just words on a page? And for the more dramatic stuff, do revelations that shock feel like they make sense and were hinted at all along?
Consider all that, and other questions that pop along during the process, and you'll do fine, my friend.
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I think Reading Rainbow predates Fimfiction, back when stories were being published on Deviantart and Gdocs. The S1-S2 phase was a wild era when any little slice of life fic was uncritically devoured by a furiously growing fandom, and when such stories got re-released on Fimfic they were backed by a tidal wave of nostalgia.
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If not about this particular fic being a part of that bunch, then with various others I've seen evidence of their pre-Fimfiction publication either in the long description or in nostalgic comments. Even if I wasn't there at all during that phase, I totally get that it was an explosive birth of a fandom on a scale and speed like no other, and just about all fan content was welcomed with open arms.
Oh, I'm aware.