First submission to EQD for The Girl with the Lyre Tattoo · 6:12pm Dec 15th, 2012
Response:
Thank you for submitting to Equestria Daily! Unfortunately, I am unable to recommend your story for posting. You will find my notes detailing why below. Please note that the technical issues are only a selection and should not be treated as a comprehensive list.
>In this case, walking with two feet, and as such, she had learned to crawl on the sidewalk before dragging herself into a godforsaken alley to freeze to death.//
Awkward sentence construction here. It’s unclear and too broken. I would just suggest splitting it in two without the awkward (and stacked) conjunctions
>A single drop turned into a drizzle, a sprinkle, then a downpour, soaking her mane.//
You have a tendency to tack clauses on the end of descriptions like this one in a very jarring and unclear manner. This often goes past what I would excuse on behalf of style. Keep it clear, keep it smooth.
>"Beautiful," she whispered, her lips parting like a fish out of water.//
This is very odd/out of place simile. You have this poignant imagery going, then you nuke it with a very bizarre description that is more comical than anything.
>He thought about calling them all the way in Paris,//
Awkward here, and it’s not terribly clear either.
>but he felt a little selfish for thinking that way//
Very dull and quite tell-y. This kind of issue in your introspective narration pops up again.
>The fact that Adrian was getting a glimpse at the first naked girl he would ever see in his entire life was outweighed by the fact that she was the first naked girl he had ever seen in his entire life//
This is very awkward and not terribly clear
>She...wasn't //
Be consistent with your ellipsis use. Either having a space or not afterwards is both fine, but be consistent with whatever one you choose
>As quick as he could he slid into the driver's seat,//
Missing a comma after ‘could’, or just nix the prepositional phrase entirely. I personally would go with that second option.
>Questions ran through his mind.//
Very dull. This is an example of taking short, sharp sentences too far. This kind of information could be presented in a myriad of ways more interesting than this. Even something simple like describing how the questions make him feel (‘Questions ran though his mind like a…’, for example) would improve it.
>yanking it a bit harshly.//
Awkward and kind of nonsensical
>a tear running down her face. Perhaps the rain.//
The fragment here is too disconnected from the prior sentence to make it work well enough to get me to ignore the fact that it’s a fragment. I would suggest wording it as ‘Perhaps it was just the rain’ or something.
Okay, I am going to stop listing specific examples now. The prose isn’t too bad, honestly. I always have been a fan of short, sharp sentences, and there are times you use them to great effect. My problem is that there are also times where the prose becomes quite messy and a little too jarring. The examples I have listed above are generally indicative of issues that pop up more than once, so please look carefully for the rest!
However, the prose is not the reason I am rejecting the story.
There are two more general points that I want you to consider. The first is bad exposition/scene setting. The second is poor pacing stemming from poorly executed tension in the plot.
You have a tendency to launch into long paragraphs when describing something for the fist time, whether it is a city, a person, or even a room. When you do this, you tend to list features, which is incredibly boring. As a general rule of thumb, keep your exposition and scene building short, concise and emotive, only picking out significant or important features specifically. Use broad strokes and general language to paint a picture of something, rather than listing all of its features. Get me to imagine the thing you are describing rather than just telling me.
For an example (from your own story) where scene building was done nicely, see here:
>His neighborhood could easily be described as suburban, comfortable and homogeneous in nature. The people here were friendly, their lawns were trimmed, and their houses well-kept. At the same time the phrase, "Good fences make good neighbors", was taken to heart.//
Good description here. Not too long and it paints a far broader, more emotive picture. It instantly lets the readers to fill in the details with their imaginations in the way you want them to rather than listing unnecessary detail (the last comma is unnecessary, though).
I see that done well, therefore I know you can do better, so why would you settle for less? Keep it concise, keep it necessary (half of the description of his home city just seems superfluous and could easily be shortened), and keep it engaging. It gets boring otherwise.
Finally, and this is easily the most significant point, the execution needs some work. This story is derivative of a kind of premise that has been done a lot, and so in order to get this story to stand out, the execution needs to be stellar. Except, I am currently constantly losing interest as I read, struggling to find the will the click past chapter three.
At the end of the day, you aren’t selling the tension right. This is unfortunate because you get off to a decent start (the prologue is very nicely done, for example), but after he picks her up, all of the suspicion and questions and confusion that would only be natural seem to get washed over. That’s not to say they aren’t there at all, they just aren’t being sold well enough.
The situation you are writing about is crazy. It’s about a teenager finding a naked girl who has no memory of anything and taking her in and looking after her. It’s so unrealistic. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done in a way that is well done or entertaining.
But what it does mean is that you have to make the emotion believable. You have to sell the fact that the main character should be filled with trepidation and confusion and suspicion, and that’s not something that will go away overnight. You started doing this decently when he first finds her, but then he gives her a bath and suddenly all of that melts away. Then literally overnight most of that tension is gone beside a few lingering questions that aren’t terribly engaging. I can buy that he might start feeling more comfortable, but it’s just moving too quickly at the moment.
Because of this, the tension holding the plot up doesn’t feel real, and that’s where this story falls down. And when I combine this with the fact that the main character is quite boring, it leaves the entire story with a lot to be desired.
That’s not to say that there isn’t any tension, just that the execution needs to be improved to make this story stand out. You have chosen to work with a premise that is quite hard to pull off, so I wish you good luck.
It is worth noting that humanised stories are technically banned from Equestria Daily. There are exceptions to this rule, but only if the stories in question are technically exceptional and work hard to impress us. Frankly, it's a high standard to meet. We decided to give yours a shot, and while your story is decent, it's certainly not remarkable either and not quite there just yet.
However, I also know that there are moments where your writing is entertaining and effective, and I think you show real promise, so I am going to keep your strikes alive. If you want, try to address the issues I have, send it back and I will look at it again. The beginning needs to be stronger, but I think you can pull it off.
This is your first strike out of three.
All the best,
- Pre-reader lost in Middle-Earth
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mee6r7tViP1ry1utqo1_500.gif
Damn EqD.
they are people who like to make people cry
Let me know when you get your story published, it sounds like they're prepping you for a publisher's audit and not a submission into another story archive.
Why do the folks at EQD are so friggin' picky over every little detail?
Quite frankly, I could go find a story on EQD that all of these apply to. Multiple ones.
It's a great site and I love it, but there's a bit of discrepancy in how strict the prereaders are
At least this time the editor had a clear reason why the story was rejected and not some vague, ephemeral reason. I'd take a stickler for standards and writing prose any day over stuck-up snobs.
Nevertheless, you have my best regards, Dennis. While your stories aren't perfect, they always get a laugh out of me. Cheers.
Great first Art Inspired, now you.
Don't even bother with those guys, they set standards FAR too high.
Best of Luck!
Mane 6
614734
I'm happy they didn't point out hyphens and dashes.
As someone who has been trying to get a story ready for the 3rd submission... I know the feeling, bro.
Does this guy even understand writing techniques.
Yes, some of those things were bad grammar, but this guy is probably rejecting your story because his is worse.
I long for the days when stories were based primarily on the STORY, not the grammar.
614740
I learned a long time ago that EQD wasn't worth worrying over.
Just keep up chin up high and do your best in writing. It doesn't matter if they don't like your work.
As far as I'm concerned, we readers do.
Wow, that was... actually very professional, comprehensive, and well done. I haven't ever actually seen a transcript like this from EQD, I always assumed they either just don't like the story or see a grammar mistake and call it quits.
While I think it would probably feel pretty harsh as the author, I found myself agreeing with what the prereader said more often than not. I think my respect for the fanfic side of EQD just rose several letter grades.
Good luck if you decide to continue with this, it seems like a lot of work, but if you think that it is worth it I don't see why you shouldn't.
did that strike mean his chances to get a story on EQD
and this is why I hate EqD's prereaders.
At least they gave you a reason though-
One time they just told me 'no'
They are just as bad as the youtube staff.
614740
This is actually a WONDERFUL critique. They rejected it because they know you can do better, not because it is bad, and they want to help you sculpt it. Use this opportunity, and be encouraged, rather than disheartened.
614752>>614784
No, no, I like this one. It's much better than the last one I received. These had many valid points.
Don't worry. They only care about stories that apply to their exact desire. It's not what the community wants, it's what they want.
I'd say that's a pretty professionally done critique (tough but fair, that kinda thing). On the other hand, I'd also say that some of the stories that get featured on EQD make me wonder about just how consistent -- or not -- their pre-readers are.
>You have a tendency to launch into long paragraphs when describing something for the fist time
one of these things doesn't belong...
614721 You know if I saw Girl with the Lyre Tattoo, or My Roommate is a Vampire in a B&N I would totally buy them.
I've always seen people complain about EQD (haven't tried submitting any story yet, so I can't agree/disagree; maybe I will just for the hell of it someday, but anyway), yet at least here, you can't really be mean about it. Here, the pre-reader gives so much reasoning behind the rejection that isn't a few grammatical errors or the idea being overdone or something along the lines of that. While I don't exactly find a lot of what he/she said to be a problem (then again, I'm not quite as critical as the pre-readers there, nor do I nitpick), at least you know what you can work on to make it better.
614712 You're trying to get top commentor, aren't you
At least is wasn't a whole page marked with "SHOW, DON'T TELL" or anything like that. XD
614712 Signature entrance post now, eh? Oh you
This is by far the best, and not in any way snarky pre-reader review of a story I seen in ages xD
I tend to just auto-translate meanings, a few of those were pretty clear enough in my mind. But I totally see where he gets that. Far as telly stuff goes, I just skip parts that get too telly.
Overall, while some of that stuff is well said, he had a habit of over stating how 'unclear' things were in the story. Aside from that, he made up for it in telling you how to improve on scenes. Lucky =3
614848
There's roughly 28 pre-readers, with somewhere in the realm of 20 of us active and able to consistently review on a regular basis. Consistency is something we strive for, but not exactly achievable with as many folks as we have.
However, we do try.
I think they just hate that a less structured writing style can provide more entertainment, because you more then make it work.
Some of the things they point out do make sense, but quite a few of them just seem almost spiteful in a way, I don't think that should have been enough to keep it out of a posting though.
Over all I found all the criticisms to be sound. The ellipsis use one bothered me, but I use MLA format and that might be different from the format the reviewer is using. I think applying some of the suggestions would make the story better; however, a good bit of the reviewers advice is personal suggestions. For example, he suggests using concise, broader descriptions for scene views. Although this is one way to give a description, my former college English professor would say more details. In academic writing, and most professional writing, authors are as specific in describing a scene so the reader knows exactly what is being described. Both ways are grammatically correct, so it is determined by your style.
That is all. I would say more but. . .
Can't wait for more
615369
These criticisms are incredibly valid.
But honestly, I was copying several published authors' styles. For example, Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake, she provides extreme amounts of detail and telling. She would provide a good chunk of information on the background or surroundings, and zoom in onto what was going on with the characters, so yes, with that criticism particular example of details and scenery I completely and wholeheartedly disagree. There is no "right" way to do it.
With that one I will ignore
615171
Get moar people like this guy. He does it well.
Maybe shoot him a message and let him know I appreciate it?
Im not sure if your still not using an editor or not but With a decent editor I bet a couple of there complaints could be avoided. I think the stories fine but u can always make it better
Keep at it Dennis.You'll get there.
615394
I'll relay your sentiments! Glad to do so, in fact.
614773
Yes. If you submit the same story 3 times and it gets rejected 3 times, they'll never accept it.
Isn't this the exact opposite of one of the reasons My Roommate is a Vampire got rejected the first time?
616025
Mmmhmmm. Too much, too little, balance. There's no "right" way to do it, so I won't really consider that piece of criticism.
This is why I prefer FIMFIction greatly over EQD. They have to nitpick on every detail.
615394
Just heard back from the pre-reader that reviewed your story. He had this to say, in my relaying your sentiments and questions about the review:
"It's not necessarily the level of detail that's the problem in the exposition, it's the way that detail is presented. You can go into great detail if you want (I know a lot of authors do), but it has to be written in way that is interesting and filled with lots of imagery, or it really starts to drag. If writers are suffering from this problem, my advice is to trim it down, and when they are confident they can write it well, then they can go back to give it more thorough detail. The example of good description given in the review was well done because it's emotive and interesting to read. Like absolutely everything in writing, it takes lots of practice!"
I stopped going to EQD for stories pretty much for reason's like this. They just aren't open minded enough when it comes to what they accept and don't accept and it disappoints me.
Hey Dennis, how long did it take you to get a reply? I'm working on submitting mine but have gotten no reply.
man you do not have very good luck with the eqd.
well at least you made em work for it
617105
I was waiting for almost two weeks!
617154
Keep up the good work Dennis. Its true that its annoying as hell with EQD but if ya keep at it they will eventually realize that your stories are great and stop being dicks with every little tiny detail! I for one have yet to read The Girl with the Lyre Tattoo because I have a bunch of stories that I am currently reading. I also don't have enough time. However if this story will turn out anything like the great writing of My Roomate is a Vampire then you have nothing to worry about as long as the tiny details are taken care of.
I haven't read the story yet, but somebody put a lot of effort into that review, and might be making valid points. They might be wrong, but you should be grateful for getting such a careful and potentially-helpful review. If only it weren't also at the same time a rejection.
Very dull and quite tell-y. This kind of issue in your introspective narration pops up again.
I've seen a lot of EqD rejection letters, and they bring up "show vs. tell" far too often. Many of them think telling is always bad, and it isn't.
617154
That's such a shame.
Do you have any idea if there will be a sister-song to She's A Vampire for MRIAL? That song was amazing and it would be cool if there was a reversed version.
617374
I don't write the songs, silly!
People make songs if they wanna.
tl;dr!
614746
Yeah! I bet the prereader, didn't learn enough to talk about, anything else, except the grammars and was just looking for a things to be anus about. They can't find, anything good to say DONT SAY IT!
I second everyone above me except [REDACTED]Cra Oehfu, Znlbwne77, Frffnyvfx,[REDACTED] and any other EQD hater on this post
.