The Royal Guard is an elite force culled from the very best and brightest that Equestria has to offer.
Not convinced? Well neither are the fillies of Ponyville. Thus, the Guard has dispatched its finest troops to show Ponyville Elementary just how competent the Royal Guard can be!

Celestia help them all.

(Rated teen because this story is not mature in the slightest.)

Celestia experiences first contact.

OCCASIONALLY, WHEN RELAXING BETWEEN MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES AND ROCKET LAUNCHES, TWILIGHT "SCREW IT" SPARKLE RELAXES WITH A BOOK BY THE WARM FIRELIGHT OF OTHER LESSER BOOKS. LITERALLY, A BOOK, AS ONLY HER OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN SURVIVE THE SCRUTINY OF A GOD AMONG GODS-WHO-SUBSEQUENTLY-BECOME-MEWLING-WHELPS-BEFORE-HER-EYE-SEARING-GLORY.

THIS IS HER STORY.

AS IF YOU'D READ ANY OTHER.

(DUE TO A SURPRISINGLY APPROPRIATE WORDCLOUD, COVER ART NOW EXISTS. YOU MAY REJOICE.)

You know those warning labels on appliances? "Do not submerge. Do not expose to heat. Do not drop."

The element of magic should have one: "Do not use for evil."

Kind of late on that one though.

(Big thanks to MythrilMoth for the cover art!)

Lyra Heartstings is a pony with an obsession. Humans, mythical creatures from ancient history. Before now, she was just a theorist, a madmare. But with the discovery of the crystal caves beneath Canterlot, all the clues finally make sense. Now it's up to one pony to brave the depths, the fury of Equestria's finest at her hooves, and find the truth.