"This is just bloody rubbish." Sniper muttered, his voice muffled as he pressed his face into his hands. The light in the room, tiny as it may have been, almost filled the entire room with light, illuminating all the strange machinery and boxes containing...things. It took all of Engi's willpower not to just grab a machine, disassemble it, then reassemble it into something more destructive. "Stuck in a land full a' prancin' ponies, no way to get back home, and we're low on bleedin' ammo. How're your metal reserves, mate? Got enough to build somethin'?" Engineer looked into his small bag that somehow managed to summon toolboxes, and large amounts of steel on demand. The bag was still at least three quarters full.
"I got 'bout enough to erect a Dispenser." Engi nodded. Sniper grinned.
"Good one, mate." smiled the Australian, bumping a fist onto the Texan's shoulder. "Thank the queen for that, then. Let's get to it!" Engi immediately drew the small PDA from his pocket, pressed the small red switch on the top, and looked over the buttons. From years of performing the ritual, especially to shut Soldier up when he was in Trolldier mode, his finger clacked out 'B43'. Almost instantly, he slipped the device into his pocket once more, and clutched the suddenly appeared toolbox. Though he'd been doing it for years, Engi still couldn't get used to how rapidly a small calculator-sized device could summon a toolbox full of steel, glass, and lights. Sniper was smiling as well; now they were in buisness. From the metal gathered from this device, they could make bullet and missile spewing turrets, and possibly a way home. Sniper didn't want to stay in this 'Equestria' for long, especially since they didn't know a hunter when they saw one.
"Where'd ya think this should go?" Engineer asked, arms wrapping easily around the toolbox as he looked for somewhere to set it down. "Middle o' the floor?"
"Yeah." Sniper chuckled. Engineer did so; dropping the toolbox quite casually on the floor amidst the other pieces of machinery. Slowly, the small box began to construct itself, speeding up when Engi smacked it with his Jag. The loud ding sounds echoed through the library, all the way up to where a certain Princess was sleeping.
-------------------------------------------------
"...but Princess, you know the public will find out!"
"Shush, Crimson Quill, and keep ruttin-
Twilight's dream about her new assistant was interuppted by the sound of something metal hitting metal. Slowly, she fluttered her eyes open, and checked the foot of the bed.
"It must be Spike..." she groaned, rubbing a hoof through her mane. "Not like him to wake up at 3:00 to do his chores, though..." Looking to the foot of the bed, she saw the small dragon sleeping in his basket under the blankets, snoring peacefully. Smiling, Twilight leaned back to g-
Wait.
Princess Twilight immediately jumped up, throwing the blankets across the room as she scrambled on her hooves in a frantic rush to get downstairs to the basement. The stairs clomped loudly as the alicorn ran down, slid in the library central room, before practically smashing the door to the basement down. To her horror, she saw the two humans...
...next to a new machine, the Engineer doing some form of dance on top of it whilst the Sniper laughed along. Twilight was speechless. Cautiously, she approached the two men.
"What...is this...?" she asked slowly.
"This is mah dispenser!" Engineer replied, still dancing. "It gives us bullets, keeps us goin', and ah built it!"
"Yeah!" Sniper grinned, putting his 'thumbs' up.
"Well, it's 3 in the morning, and you're building a machine that looks like you spent months building!" Twilight groaned, facehoofing. "You could have waited until tomo-later to do it."
"Nope." Engineer replied, climbing down from his contraption and whacking a wrench into his ungloved hand. "And anyway, wasn't your Princess s'pposed to come here and look at us?"
"Yes, and I cannot stress this enough, later." Twilight groaned, facehoofing again. "You don't want to be tired for that, do you?"
"I've tracked animals for 240 hours straight, with no sleep, Shiela." Sniper cut in. "I think I can 'andle a few hours without it."
"Fine, fine, just...be less noisy, alright? I know you're excited..."
"Nope."
"...and curious..."
"Nah."
"...and possibly hungry..."
"Heck yeah!" Twilight froze at Engineer's comment. They're hungry? But...what do they eat? I should ask.
"OK...so you two haven't eaten for a while?" she asked. "What do you eat, anyway?"
"Meat, beers, bread, vegetables, fruits, coffee, them things, Shiela." Sniper replied.
"You eat meat?" Twilight gulped. "Not gemstones like Spike?"
"Why would we eat rocks?" Engineer asked. "We're campers, not miners. And who's Spike?"
"You'll meet him later." Twilight muttered, before stepping aside to reveal the staircase leading upstairs. "But would you like something to eat? I should have asked earlier, but..."
"Yeah, thanks." Sniper cut her off. The Australian unslung his rifle, knife, and Razorback, removed his hat and jacket, before leaving them on top of the dispenser. The constant stream of supplies would mean both should be running at maximum efficiency when he returned. Patting the dust, blood, and wood shaving from on his hands to his trousers, Sniper nodded and moved upstairs. The doorway at the top was barely big enough to accomodate him with his hat, so he passed through with relative ease. Engineer followed suit, removing his hard-hat and nothing else, before going at a relatively brisk pace to catch up to his friend.
Once she was sure they were gone, Twilight's curiosity got the better of her. Carefully, she picked up the knife with magic, and gave it an idle twirl. Quietly, she murmured to herself.
"Metal...over 20 years old..." she whispered, narrowing her eyes at the blade. "Covered in blood...now let's see about his hat..."
Suddenly, there was a sound from in the darkened room. Taptap. Chugging. Thinking she must have left a machine on, Twilight carefully replaced the knife in its sheath and began to look around the room. She could barely see much with the light. Although it was a brilliant light, it couldn't defy physics. Behind the machines she couldn't see anything, but she was assertive she could make out a shaking object with two blue lights.
Huh... she thought, cautiously approaching the object, Don't remember a machine that does that... Once she had reached a 'safe' distance, Twilight illuminated her horn with a purple aura, as she usually would to investigate an object. However, it was gone. "What?" she said aloud, frantically looking around to see where it may have gone.
Wsssssh...
"Gentlemen? Ohohohoho." Taptap.
-------------------------------------------------
"Demopan?" asked the Demo-Bot again to Sniper-Bot.
"Yeah, OK." replied Sniper, nodding and remaining zoomed in. His AI had developed significantly to deal with his new companion; just reply 'Yeah, OK' to all his questions and he'd shut up for 20 minutes. Now was the time for silence, especially since they could be detected at any moment. He had his sights set on a large Carousel-like building, with multiple statues representing horses decorating the rather feminine building. He had watched the albaster unicorn walk in there earlier, and he assumed she could help them go home.
Demopan had no idea why he was holding Sniper on his shoulders, or why they, and several hundred Spycrabs were in the sewers and stalking a unicorn, but he didn't care. Sniper had agreed that Demopan would initiate first contact with all of the horses, so he was fine with it. If only the Spycrabs would stop agreeing with each other agreeing with each other.
"But of course. Ohohohoho."
"Yes. Ohohohoho."
"Excellent. Ohohohoho."
-------------------------------------------------
"Fatso back home would be lovin' this." Sniper chuckled as he buttered some bread.
"You bet." Engineer replied. He had taken his glove off, so as not to get blood in his food, but his Gunslinger had racked up a good few thousand kills, so there'd be blood in it anyway. Not as much as there would be if he'd have kept his glove on. "Hey, where'd that Twilight horsey go?"
-------------------------------------------------
"J-Just don't hurt me..." Twilight pleaded the machine. It was standing in a rather menacing manner, tapping its hands together above its head as it squatted and scuttled slowly around the room, staring at nothing. It had, strangely enough, a robotic Griffonian accent, even though the creator had to have been human. So how did they know about Griffonia?
"This will be the last time you see me. Ohohohoho." replied the machine. It was walking with clear purpose around the room, scanning the machines for Intel.
"Well...c-can I go upstairs?" Twilight asked. The robot was now walking into a wall.
"But of course. Ohohohoho." Not taking any chances, Twilight ran upstairs to inform the Princess.
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Princess Celestia,
There is now a strange machine resembling the humans stalking aimlessly around my basement. It isn't doing anything, and last time I saw it was walking into a wall, so it shouldn't be a threat for your visit tomorrow. But the humans don't know about it, and I'm unsure how they'll respond to each other, so I shall keep you updated.
Twilight Sparkle.
(P.S: I have named this new creature the 'Crab-bot', since he resembles a crab.)
GODDAMNIT SPYCRABS!
I actually started one of these (v) in one of LazyPurple's servers. It was hilarious. Everyone was singing "Crab people" into their mics.
2475539 Nope, trying to avoid all clichés if possible. So, no Twilight Sniper, or Applegineer. Might see how others work, though.
Crab-bot, nice.
2476662
Aw, but I like Applegeneer...
Stop posting these stories.
I'll favourite this and wait until you put indentations in, or at least space paragraphs. It looks good, but, I just can't read it the way it is.
Well well, another TF2 crossover. I'm always up for some of the worlds 9 deadliest mercenaries interactions in Equestria. Lets see where this one goes.
2475630
It's because the avatar of the singer happens to look like a bear. Although he normally looks more cartoony in his other songs.
Never stop posting Stories
this.
a thousand times this.
2426769 or you could of turned safe search on.
2477347
Paragraphs range from 5 - 8 sentences. This paragraph is exactly 8 sentences (Unless I counted wrong. One sentence won't over do it, though) and really has no issue being that way.
However, I would have divided it into two, due to the description changes. But, the paragraph is still normal length.
2477082
People disliked this comment. Clearly, they did not read the description.
2477963
Funny thing about Google. Fuckers always let a couple slip through the cracks.
2476193
I wouldn't be a very scary soldier.
I don't like Vegemite (Unless its a small amount spread on toast (With Butter ofcourse))
I would still wear the funny hat though.
2478506 True enough.
I demand MOAR!
The Laughter must be DOUBLED!
"...but Princess, you know the public will find out!"
"Shush, Crimson Quill, and keep ruttin-
*cough*wet dream*cough*
2478077
lolz freak yeah! Of course People don't read the description.
Just goes to show how much people really pay attention.
2479373
Don't like Magic users? Nigga, we are the people that bring you from the god damned dead, raise armies in seconds, and vanquish entire hordes of enemies with powerful spells!!!
So, having made my point...
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/4490062080/hFCE56162/
Don't dis the magic, or the world ends up as ashes in space...Again...For the third damned time...
This was probably the unsexiest dialogue I have ever read that happens during a wet dream.
Well, as we say in Paris, "OHOHOHO, BAGUETTE EIFFEL TOWER!!"
Those spycrabs just crack me the hell up, this is f'ing funny! I need moar!
2479681 I would rather die than submit to magic users!
well this is... interesting. I shall tentatively put this under my favs to track updates
Sorry, wasn't able to read this chapter yesterday. But...
...Trolldier mode?
2480430 Trollider mode = Rocket Jump and Market Gardener
2478058
I realize that.
But the massive amount of text in this one paragraph makes it demoralizing to read. I think I've told you this before, but I write stories with the reader in mind. I separate the paragraphs and try to keep them as short as I can so the non-enthusiastic readers wouldn't feel intimidated by the paragraphs.
That paragraph had this problem.
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOhOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH
no
media.tumblr.com/50681a805561cd8fd0e0391a9de24467/tumblr_inline_mlgovmOJ141qz4rgp.gif
2480794
This is a good comment. Your opinion pleases me.
2475864 SANDVICH?!
2481251
Yes, Heavy. Sandvich. Quick! Grab it before Scout does!
2481623 -Grabs-
NOM NOM.. NOM NOM..
SO FILLING!
I see a descending tendency in chapter length. Give it a few chapters, and there will be negative wordcount; if you read it, you will forget words!
Anyway, I can only offer Pyro's wisdom: MMMMMPH!
Write on.
2480560 I was raised by English majors. I see nothing wrong with that paragraph.
2480560
That's personal opinion, though. Although some readers may dislike it, it's still properly constructed and formed.
2481743
Yea because you were raised by English majors.
Most of the people who READ stuff on fimfiction haven't been raised by English majors. This creates a long list of people who don't like reading excessive and overall massive paragraphs of text. This paragraph is good and without errors, don't get me wrong. But for a reader perspective it's intimidating and should be toned down.
(Please don't make the argument "You're just dumb" I've seen way too much of that from people who say they know what their doing.)
Edit: Also today is rubbish when it comes to those people. -.- 5 people with the same god damn pointless argument. And I've tried to see it their way I really do, but their arguments never hold up. -.-
This story is good up to the dialog and character interactions. The relationships are explained well and the premise of the story is actually pretty good. However there is an issue of point of view, and interpretation of the TF2 world that requires review.
This story was made purely on the opinions of the author and he had no interpretation of the backstory of the TF2 game. Such as the fact that two brothers hired mercenaries to kill each other and sabotage each other's work. This is basically corporate wars...
That is a cannon backstory for TF2.
This however is in the perspective of someone who's never heard of this and made a story about it. And in actuality, the sniper is not a camper. Although the RED sniper is. Blue is usually on the assault team, so is the Engineer, and the Engineer most of the time doesn't sit in one place while being backed by a sniper.
It's usually a Pyro. Pyro's are better at protecting sentry's by removing spies effectively, and blasting away rockets and sticky bombs. In this story however. It's basically force paring the characters...
Oh fuck I was trying to explain the mentality of reader vs. storytelling. XD
(Anyway ignore that tangent unless you got something out of it.)
Ok when someone like me reads it they usually don't have a problem with the length of the paragraphs. I only point it out because I myself write stories. I just knew for a fact that some of those dislikes are from people who hate seeing "Wall of text"s and they don't continue reading just because they 'think' they see one. Of course the new guys really don't care and they just blissfully read until it seems too difficult for them to read.
But the main part of storytelling in fanfiction is making sure your reader understands what you wrote. With long paragraphs like these the reader would start to skim and miss several important words. Words that could easily make the difference from standing in front of a spawn door, to standing on a sniper platform.
The human mind will make sense of what it knows. And if the sentence doesn't have the right flow or word play if you will, then the reader may get confused or lost and have to reread what they just read. Some people may not have this issue because they've become adapt at reading and enjoy it tremendously.
Although there are the people who are on a time constraint and they'd rush the read anyway. This is where wordplay comes in. It's easier to read something that's written simply than complexly. Hell I've probably just broken that simple rule by making a long comment like the one I'm making now. (also not going over it and fixing errors but whatever.) But the difference between something that looks like a phycology textbook and a fanfiction really matters.
I don't know about you. But I don't want the story I'm reading 80% unnecessary detail. Let alone read that and dialog that doesn't fit within the TF2 cannon universe. I've written a lot of detail before, but when I do it, I leave out all the little things that are unimportant. I keep all the things that remind you of the characters abilities, location, and time of day.
Anyway I've actually just spammed this single comment alone with 1000+ words. I think I'm done.
I'm sure you'd understand my argument enough by now to fill in the blanks.
2479681
Counter argument:
I have a shotgun form DOOM
2481886 I agree with you fully I don't think stories have to go TOO detailed since many people just need the basic to know how to imagine the scene :3
2480555 Or Equalizer, and Taunt button.
2478077 I see no reason this comment receives hate. He read the description, and I am glad. Have a Strange Pain Train.
Well, well, pinch me with a set of pliers if the new princess isn't getting her plot holes filled up
2481933 You know, you did just win the argument like that, by pulling that thing out you win by default...
2476662
yay.
Robot spycrab omgawd
2480555
Don't forget mantreads lol