The Mysterious Temple Treasure

by Zygen

Gathering The Friends

It was a pleasant and peaceful day in Ponyville for the majority of ponies in town; Twilight on the other hand was busy trying to tell all of her friends about the Princess's letter and about their upcoming adventure to the Temple.

"Ok, who should I tell first... I guess I'll go ahead and stop by Rarity's Boutique, since I'm already not to far away." Spoke Twilight to herself as she pondered how she was going to go about to task of delivering the news of the Temple and how her and her friends we're going to travel to the temple and find the treasure within it.

As Twilight entered the door to Rarities boutique the bell attached to the door to signal when customers came rang, Rarity was busy with her normal work of creating a dress as Twilight walked in.

"Oh hello there welcome to ca..." Rarity turned around as she greeted the pony who had walked in, only to discover it was Twilight, "Oh Twilight I didn't see you come in. Do you need assistance with mending a dress of yours?" Rarity asked curious of Twilight's intentions for coming to see her.

"Actually, I came to tell you that the Princess sent me a letter saying that she wants me to recover some treasure from a temple out on an island to the west of here, and she said I can take my friends." Explained Twilight in a calm manner.

"Temples? Treasure? Uck, that sounds like it could get my hooves dirty, but you did say treasure, what type of treasure is in this temple Twilight?" Rarity asked, still a bit disgusted at the thought of this adventure.

"Well she hasn't told me exactly what it is yet, but if she sent the letter then it must be important." Twilight replied still curious what the treasure might be.

"Well, I normally don't like getting my hooves dirty on a... Adventure, but if there is a treasure and it's to help a good friend like you I can attend." Rarity finally decided,"When do we depart?" Rarity asked.

"The carriage that will be flying us to the island will be arriving tomorrow early in the morning, be in front of the library tomorrow morning as soon as you can!" Twilight replied," I have to go inform the others now, bye Rarity!" Twilight said as she waved goodbye to her friend.

"Good bye Twilight!" Rarity replied and waved back, Twilight then quickly proceeded outside and on to tell her next friend about the letter, Pinkie Pie.

As Twilight arrived at Sugercube Corner and entered the shop she noticed Pinkie waiting at the counter.

"Hey Twilight! How are you doing?" Pinkie Happily asked Twilight as she walked inside, her face was beaming a mile wide with a smile like always.

"Hey Pinkie Pie, I'm doing good!" Replied Twilight back with a smile. Seeing Pinkie's beaming smile made it hard not to smile back at her.

"What brings you to Sugercube Corner?" Asked cheerfully.

"I just wanted to tell you that I got a letter from the Princess and she asked me to travel to this temple and retrieve the treasure inside tomorrow, and she said I could take my friends." Twilight explained to Pinkie.

"Oh! oh! Travel? Temple, Treasure? Does this mean we're going on an adventure? I love adventures! Especially adventures with treasure, or adventures with candy because candy tastes good, you know my favorite.." Before Pinkie became to caught up in her bubbly thoughts Twilight quickly interrupted.

"Ok so your going then? Good, be at the library early tomorrow! sorry Pinkie I wish i could stay, but I still need to tell the rest of our friends about this before it gets to late. Good bye!" Twilight told Pinkie, in quite a fast manner as she was in a rush to get to each of her friends to tell them about the letter. She then swiftly trotted out the door.

Next was Rainbow Dash. Twilight had heard from some other ponies in town that Rainbow was practicing stunts just outside of Ponyville. Twilight quickly found Rainbow Dash after following the sound of her voice and her attempting tricks.

Gliding through the air at high speeds was non other then Rainbow Dash, she was practicing all kinds of complicated maneuvers, maybe as preparation for joining the Wonderbolts. Eventually Rainbow stopped long enough to notice Twilight.
"Hey there Egghead! Just practicing some super cool tricks! Tricks only someone as awesome as me could pull off!" Rainbow gloated as if Twilight would be somepony to care about tricks. Rainbow flew down to the ground to talk to Twilight face to face" So, whats up? Did you come here to check out my awesome moves maybe? Or maybe to help me practice?" Questioned Rainbow, wondering Twilight's intentions.

"No Rainbow, I just needed to come here to tell you that I got a letter from the Princess telling me that I need to retrieve a treasure in a temple out in the oceans west of Ponyville on a lone island." Twilight explained.

Rainbow suddenly showed interest in what Twilight was saying, despite not looking very interested before."Temples? Like in my Daring Doo Books? That sounds like an adventure! And adventures are awesome!" Replied Rainbow ecstatic.

"Yes, be at the library early tomorrow morning ok?" Twilight asked, making sure that Rainbow was listening to what she was saying.

"Yeah yeah, no biggie." Rainbow said, Twilight was unsure if Rainbow was actually listening, but decided she needed to move on anyways.

"Goodbye Rainbow Dash!" Waved Twilight!

"Later egghead!" Replied Rainbow back with a playful tone.

Twilight then decided to gallop her way over to Applejacks next, both because she needed to tell Applejack about the letter, and because she was a bit hungry. She hoped she would get some apples upon arrive at Applejacks.

Once Twilight finally reached Sweet Apple Acres she was overjoyed as she was now quite hungry.

"Howdy Twi! What are y'all doing round here?" Ask Applejack, wondering why Twilight had walked all the way to Sweet Apple Acres, and why she looked so tired.

"I just needed to come tell you that the Princess sent me a letter telling me to find a treasure in a temple located on an Island west of Ponyville. Can you make it to the library tomorrow?" Asked Twilight, who was already pretty sure of the answer.

"Sure as Sally sugercube! I'll see y'all around then tomorrow Twi, and here take a few apples you go, you look plum tuckered!" Replied Applejack as she handed Twilight some delicious red juicy apples, fresh from Sweet Apple Acres.

"Thank you Applejack! I've gotta get going now! I'll see you tomorrow! Bye!" Waved Twilight as she hurried her way to her last friends house, Fluttershy. As she trotted her way over to Fluttershy's cottage she helped herself to some of Applejack's delicious apples.

Finally Twilight reached the edge of the Everfree Forest, where Fluttershy's cottage laid close by. It was already growing dark outside, so Twilight was in a hurry to tell Fluttershy the news. The sky was also getting cloudy which worried Twilight further,"I better hurry if I want to get home before the to late." Twilight mumbled to herself as she approached the cottage door. She knocked softly to be careful not to scare Fluttershy.

As the door creeped open and Fluttershy saw Twilight came into view a strike of Lightning rushed down from the clouds, Lighting up the sky like the sun for a moment with a flash of Light, the sound of the Lightning and the shadowy view she had of Twilight scared her and she quickly ran to hide, "Oh no, its Nightmare Moon! But its not even Nightmare Night! Please don't hurt me..." Fluttershy squealed in fear and then quickly switched to an innocent tone thinking her fate had been sealed.

"Fluttershy its me Twilight!" Said Twilight trying to calm her friend.

"Oh Twilight, I'm sorry I though you where Nightmare Moon, with the scary lightning flash..." Fluttershy said as she saw Twilight come into view and heard the sound of her friends calming voice.

"Its ok, but it looks like it's starting to rain, may I come in?" Reassured Twilight, as she noticed the droplets of rain starting to fall from the clouds.

"Oh of course Twilight." Replied Fluttershy in her usual soft spoken voice. Twilight quickly stepped in side just in time to avoid the hail of rain behind her, she closed the door swiftly with her magic,"So why did you come to see me so late Twilight?" Asked Fluttershy, curious what was so important.

"I got a letter from the Princess and she gave me the task to retrieve a treasure from a temple on an island to the far west of Ponyville, the Princess also said I could take my friends, so I came here to invite you! The Princess sent a carriage for us all in the morning." Explained Twilight. Fluttershy's tone lost what little confidence it had in it.

"Oh... I don't know Twilight, what if there are dragons on the island? Or something else dangerous? I don't think I'll be of any use anyway." Fluttershy exclaimed, as she held her head in shame.

"But you stood up to that dragon when we needed you last time! And you could be a very good asset, they're might be animals that we need you to calm guarding the treasure in the temple." Twilight replied, knowing that Fluttershy's animal skills could prove to be useful.

"But I... I..." Fluttershy tried to think of another excuse to not go, "Oh alright, I'll go for you Twilight..." Fluttershy finally gave in.

"Thank you Fluttershy!" Replied Twilight happily. Suddenly the sound of the rain hitting against the roof of the cottage stopped."I guess the rain must have died down for now, I better head home while I can, thanks Fluttershy!" Twilight waved goodbye and quickly made her way home.

It was very dark by now "Its getting Quite late, I better hurry home, it can be dangerous at night, plus that storm might come back any minute with all the clouds in the sky." Twilight whispered to herself. As she quickened her pace and galloped through the dark eerie night...

Author's Note:

This is my 1st fanfic guys, so remember its not going to be amazing, regardless I do want you still to critique, just don't be to harsh. :).

Comments

[Zygen]

3259934 I guess I still need to work on that, although, I dunno I was kinda trying to make it come off more as her rushing through things and ignorance, but there are still some issues I guess.

And thanks for pointing that out, I actually didn't notice that, gonna have to change those.

Thank you for your feedback!

[Anneal]

Okay, so I read the fanfic, and I'm sorry, but I definitely have to criticize this.

There are several obvious punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors. And they're simple ones, too; from forgetting to capitalize the first letter of a sentence to forgetting to divide a sentence with a comma.

"Spike, you organized a few of the books incorrectly. particularly, you put 'The Science of Cupcakes' with all of the other books on Muffins." Twilight inquired, acting like this should be common knowledge not to have the books so much as share the same dust speckles.

Why are you using "inquired" when Twilight isn't even asking a question?

"Spike!" The voice of Twilight Sparkle ricocheted off the walls of the hallow tree-like home, eventually reaching the ears of Twilight's assistant Spike. Upon hearing the voice of Twilight Spike made his way downstairs, interrupting his progress on his chores of organizing all of Twilight's quills by sharpness.

Even though this is a fanfic, I would like it if you descriptively said their appearance. Pretend it's a real novel. The first thing readers would be wondering, "Who the hell is Twilight and Spike?" Before the introduction of the two ponies, refer to them with different indirect terms such as "purple coated unicorn" or "green scaled dragon who barely exceeded two feet in height". After that, mention their names either in dialogue or direct information; it isn't considered Lavender Pony Syndrome unless you overuse that term over and over even though you know who are the characters.

"Oh yes, Spike! You're going to take care of my chores while i'm gone? How thoughtful of you! That is why you are my number one assistant after all! Well I have to run! Celestia will only keep the sun up for so long! And I have to go tell all my friends about this whole thing before tomorrow! Thanks again Spike!" Twilight words almost flew as she spoke quickly nervous about being late.

You could have added something within the dialogue, such as Spike attempting to interject Twilight, but was unable to, with no chance for him to speak. You can also slur the words together and disregard punctuation rules if you want Twilight to talk very quickly and rushed.

"Ok, who should I tell first... I guess I'll go ahead and stop by Rarity's Boutique, since I'm already not to far away." Spoke Twilight to herself as she pondered how she was going to go about to task of delivering the news of the Temple and how her and her friends we're going to travel to the temple and find the treasure within it.

This would sound better, if say, 'Twilight spoke in a X manner, pondering to herself on how she was going to go about the task...".

"Temples? Treasure? Uck, that sounds like it could get my hooves dirty, but you did say treasure, what type of treasure is in this temple Twilight?" Rarity asked, still a bit disgusted at the thought of this adventure.

Doesn't sound like Rarity at all; I would expect her to talk with more exclamation marks, i.e. "Temples? Treasures? Ugh! That sounds hideous and dirty! But...you did say treasure, so, my dear Twilight, please tell me what this treasure is."

Overall, I think everyone's a bit out of character. Rarity needs to sound more formal and dramatic, Applejack needs to be the opposite. Pinkie needs to be out of topic when she's excited, typically taking the topic to a different tangent, such as greeting a pony to saying how she had a great day and ate a cake that was disgusting and so she threw it away.

Fluttershy needs a sense of uncertainty, often saying "uh" or "um". Don't minimize the words, it'll instead make it difficult to read essential parts. And Rainbow Dash needs to be brasher.

[Zygen]

3284881

Yeah, there is a whole lot of issues, especially in Ch2 where i haven't even edited it yet.

I'm starting to think that writing really isn't my thing at all, I think while its nice to have tried to write something, its pretty bleh.

And yeah i make alot of stupid mistakes, even some i already know about, not to mention some i just forget.

But thanks for trying it. I appreciate the critique, i'll have to think if i'm going to even bother continuing though.

[Anneal]

3287900

No, you can keep writing if you wish. Your writing can improve, so you don't need to give up now. But what you have to do is to put your effort into it, and get yourself and others to proofread your fanfic before it's published.

[Zygen]

3288994
I guess, idk, i've been pondering whether to even bother continuing for a while.

i don't really have much as far as people who i can have proofread, idk, i just gotta do some thinking i guess, i just don't know.

Nothings your fault though, don't worry.