Honor the Dead

by BinaryTroll

48: Welcome home, scum.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 48:“Welcome home, scum.”
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I don't often wake up lying on top of a naked woman.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that's never happened before, me being the shut-in that I am.

So this was a first for me.

Then again, so was smoking weed off a rock in a forest, traveling through a portal and all that crap, so I probably wasn't as surprised as I really should be.

I was still plenty fucking surprised though.

"Gah! WHAT THE FUCK?" I shouted, recoiling.

The woman looked up at me curiously. "I can't feel my hooves."

Oh fuck no. "Shyv?"

"What?" She looked up at me and cocked her head. "Are you all right?"

I bit my lip. "I'm fine."

"Oh. Good." She shifted. "Mind getting off me? You're a bit heavier than I thought you would be."

I rolled off her and looked up at the sky. It was night time. The stars were dim, only a few glowing bright enough to be seen. The moon was tiny. And missing something.
"Holy fuckballs." I said quietly to myself. "I'm back."

There was the southern cross, glowing just above me. I was in Australia. I was home.

And then Shyv screamed.

I shot up to my feet and whipped my head around. She was staring at herself, tears forming in her eyes. "What the fuck is this?"

"Uh." I considered averting my eyes, decided there wasn't much point, and held out a hand instead. "You're human. For some reason."

"I CAN FUCKING SEE THAT!" She yelled, waving her arms around.

I grimaced. "Calm down. Take my hand, stand up. We need to find you some clothes before we get arrested."

She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She sounded like she was hyperventilating. That's a first. After a few seconds, she opened them again and looked up at me. “How do I stand up?”

I offered my hand again. “Move your arm up, get your fingers and curl them around my wrist.”

She reached up and clumsily grabbed my hand. “Like this?”

I nodded. “Now bend your knees and pull.”

With considerable effort on her part, I helped her to her feet and steadied her while she swayed left and right, attempting to keep her balance. She stumbled and I thrust out an arm to catch her before she fell.

“How do you walk like this?” She asked, giving up and leaning into me instead.

“With three year's practice, instincts and abusing the inner ear.” I replied, acutely aware of how close she was.

“Abusing the inner ear?” She asked cocking her head.

“Yeah.” I grunted and propped her up again, where she stayed for about a second before falling against me again. “There's fluid inside and a bunch of little hairs that help your brain get an idea of where gravity is. That's why spinning around makes you dizzy.”

She looked dizzy, or more, sick. “The more you know.”

“You think you can stand on your own now?” I asked, starting to take my hands away.

“I'm really not sure if will ever be able to stand on two legs.” She replied, stumbling away from me and falling flat on her face.

I suppressed a laugh and knelt down beside her. She didn't look up.

“I don't think I like being human.” She muttered, her voice muffled by the ground. “These things on my chest are really inconvenient.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my eyes flicking to her back. There was a line of red scales running down her spine, tapering off as they reached her neck. Her shoulder blades were also a lot more pronounced, almost as though they were trying to burst out of her skin.

“They seem to be really sensitive, and they get crushed easily. Like right now for example.” She moved her arms and succeeded in rolling over onto her back. “That's better.”

“Do you want to try again?” I asked.

She made a look of distaste. “Can I just lie here until we go home?”

“But I have to show you all the awesome human stuff.” I wined.

“Do a drawing or something.” She muttered, waving her hand in a surprisingly human way. I sighed, put my hands under her and lifted her up. “Hey!”

“We can't stay here. I'll get arrested for drugging and trying to rape you or something.”

She absentmindedly scratched her nose. “Why?”

“Cause you're a naked woman of about eighteen to twenty-five who is currently incapable of moving without assistance, and I'm a creepy man in a coat.” I sighed. “The coat alone has been enough to get me investigated by police several times.”

“So where are we anyway?” She asked, craning her head to look over my shoulder. “It's kinda... I dunno, gray here? Everything looks like all the color's been washed out”

I looked around. We were in a park. There was a steep hill at one end and a bridge over a dried up river that lead into a small forest at the other. A road wound it's way around it. There was also a small playground with a swing set, a seesaw and climbing equipment. It was all too familiar. “This is the park next to my childhood home.” I said quietly. “Welcome to Earth Shyv. This is my world.”

“Wow.” She looked up at the sky and blinked a few times. “There aren't as many stars, and the sky's a lot darker too. No wonder you wear black all the time, it blends in a lot better here.”

I hummed in agreement and began to walk up the hill, wondering where I could get some clothes. “Any preferences for clothing?”

“I have always wanted to wear a dress.” Shyv murdered to herself. “But I'm not sure if you even have those here. Besides, it might make it difficult to walk.”

I lay her down on the bench that was situated on the crest of the hill and sat down next to her. “Good that you're taking that into consideration, cause I'm not carrying you forever.”

She propped herself up on one elbow and levered herself into a sitting position. “I didn't really expect you to, but I could hope, couldn't I?”

I rolled my eyes. “You could, but shouldn't.”

She shrugged philosophically. “Yeah, losing hope is always more devastating than never hoping to begin with. But living that way is so tiresome and depressing.”

“I disagree.” I said, gazing out towards the city, which we had a perfect view of from the top of the hill. “If you live as a pessimist, you're happiness equilibrium is still lower, put you have more periods of meaningful happiness. That's what I feel at least.”

“What's that?” She asked, following my gaze.

I closed my eyes and leaned back, suddenly feeling tired. “That's Brisbane City. Think Canterlot, or maybe Manehattan, except with loads more lights, skyscrapers and boring offices. Then again, I can't really make a judgment call on that since I've barely explored Canterlot and haven't even seen Manehattan in the flesh.”

“It looks far more beautiful than you give it credit for.” She said, a little smile on her face.

I opened my eyes. “Many things look beautiful from a distance. Mountains, blizzards, volcanic eruptions, space. But that doesn't mean that they're fun to be in the middle of.”

“Regardless, I'd like to see this Brisbane city.” She said.

I shrugged. “Maybe we can. But tonight I want to get my bearings a bit more, a lot could have changed in the time since I was away.”

She shivered. “It's getting rather cold. I didn't realize how much having a coat helped.”

A coat? “Oh, do you want mine? That's a temporary solution to the clothes problem too.” I stood up and stripped it off. “First I'll need you to stand up though.”

She looked down, a movement which I mimicked and regretted instantly as she spread her legs in an effort to gain better balance. Well, I least I found out that only the hair on her head was red. Everywhere else it was the same steel gray as her old coat.

“You're such a pervert.” Melody said from my pocket, making me (literally) jump about six feet straight up into the air.

“Fucking hell! You're going to give me a heart attack.” I said, after rolling to break my fall.

“Unlikely, considering you have a rather healthy heart.” She replied snidely. “But it was beating at a rather high rate.”

“Cause you fucking randomly start talking out of nowhere!”

“Well, actually, your reaction was more of guilty surprise. Maybe looking at something you shouldn't?” I swear I could see her sarcastic smile.

“I'm asexual, fucking sue me.” I said, feeling my heart rate begin to slow and my impulse to smash a hole in something diminish.

She laughed. “Since I'm not the victim I wouldn't sue you, but I'd sure as hell testify against you as a witness.”

“But you didn't see shit!”

“Don't need to. In fact, the evidence I can provide is far more condemning than a mere eyewitness account.”

“Why do I keep you around?”

“Because you insist on continuing to watch a show made for little girls and reading a bad fanfiction of it.”

“Hey! I'm reading that to assist in my own survival.”

“No you aren't.”

“Yes I am!”

“You're in denial.”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

Shyv tapped me on the shoulder. She was standing unassisted. “I hate to break up your fun little conversation, but something's coming.”

I shut up and listened for a second. “That's a car. That's a car. Oh fucking hell.”

“What?” Shyv asked, confused.

“Remember that thing that Joel and I were lying near the wreckage of when you first found us?”

“Yes...”

I grimaced. “It's one of those. We're going to need to find somewhere to hide.”

“Why?”

“Cause someone might see us.”

“So?”

“YOU ARE FUCKING NAKED!”

She looked down and poked her boobs in an annoyingly cute way. “Oh, that's right. You don't like that.”

“It's not that I don't like it.” Try to make that sound less creepy next time eh? “It's just I have priorities. Namely, not going to prison on my first day back home.”

She sighed. “Okay, so where do we hide?”

I saw the headlights flare as the car turned the corner, blinding me. “Just get down!” I yelled, tackling her to the ground.

I waited for the engine to go away. It didn't. I heard the sound of a car braking and then the crunch of shoes on gravel and the slam of two doors.

Fuck.

“Hey!” The footsteps grew more frantic as the person broke into a sprint.

Fuuuuck.

I felt hands grab me by the shoulders and haul me backwards, while a woman's voice yelled “Get off her!”

“Well I've had your assistance in that task, haven't I?” I muttered as I was thrown to the side like a sack of potatoes.

“Police! No sudden movements, put your hands slowly on your head!”

A female officer stood over me, point what appeared to be a Glock at my head. A male officer, who was the one had thrown me over here, was drawing his own pistol.

I considered rushing them, but I didn't really trust my coordination after the teleport/drugs combo. I slowly moved my hands to place them on top of my head.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” The woman screamed at me, her voice breaking a little.

I sighed philosophically. “Being threatened at gunpoint by a female police officer I suppose. You shout a lot, you know that?”

“Don't try to be smart with me.” She said, face like concrete.

I rolled my eyes. “What, don't like having your intellect challenged? I can sympathize with that.”

“You're the one with a gun pointed at your head.” She said, smiling nastily. “Give me an excuse, nobody will miss you.”

“Calm down Stacy. You're scaring the poor girl.” The male cop said, lowering his gun and placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Fuck off Jeff. He's an attempted rapist, he deserves what's coming to him.” She reply sharply.

I giggled at the bizarreness. Out of all the crimes I could get arrested for, I'm arrested to the one that isn't even physically possible for me.

“What are you laughing about?” Stacy asked, tightening her grip on the gun.

“Oh nothing, just irony.”

“Um, Edward, what's going on?” Shyvanna asked, lying almost perfectly still.

“I'm getting arrested for one of the few crimes I didn't actually commit.” I sighed. “Don't worry, it'll be 'k”

Meanwhile, Jeff had circled around behind me. “Stacy, he's got a gun. Looks like an assault rifle.”

“Modified G2 FAMAS. A French assault rifle with a fire-rate of up to 1100 rounds per minute and a muzzle velocity of almost a kilometer per second. With my modifications weighs four kilograms and allows it to mount blades that effectively turn it into a bladed tonfa that can be used in close quarters combat as well as clip easily and securely onto my back.” I recited. “Questions?”

Jeff snorted. “Where'd you get it?”

“Stole it off a terrorist's corpse.”

“Well, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to relieve you of it.” He said sarcastically, ripping it off me. “Are you carrying any other weapons sir?”

I sighed. “I could do without the attitude. Just because I'm a criminal doesn't mean you have to be a fuckhead. Also, you mind cuffing me? I'm getting sick of sitting here with my hands on my head like I'm a primary school kid.”

“Then sit like that a while longer. Take it as the beginning of your punishment.” Stacy said.

I groaned, looked up her and said, “Yeah, no.”

“What?”

I lashed out with my left palm, hitting the gun from her hand before using the momentum from the hit to spin myself around and bring my right elbow into the side of her head. She was lifted off her feet and thrown sideways about a meter.

There was a crack and I saw stars as something hit me across the back of the head. A second strike finished the job and all I saw was black.

-BLUE SCENE-

A table. Chairs. I was sitting in one. There were other people in the other ones. Three, four including me. A chandelier above me casting warm light around. There was a plate in front of me, with a piece of fried salmon on it as well as some salad. The other people at the table had the same. One was crying. She was a large woman, around fifty, with glasses. She made me feel safe for some reason. There was a man, about the same age, with a gray beard and a strong but intelligent face. Finally, there was a tall, thin young man, perhaps still a teenager, with a neatly trimmed beard and sharp features. I felt small, siting awkwardly in this chair. I was wearing a pair of dirty cargo pants, a ripped black shirt and had numerous small cuts and scrapes all over me.

Here it was again.

This dream.

I'd been having it since I was young, much younger than I was now.

This was my family. This was my house, my table, my dinner. Me trying to return to my old life.

I knew what happened next too. Of course I did, I've had this dream too many times to forget.

-INDIGO SCENE-

I sat within the Dreamscape, staring down at my new body. It was strange, being in an unfamiliar skin within an environment that was so my own. There were dreams too. All the humans, dreaming away. There were so many, and far more nightmares too. Scenes of brutality and suffering that could drive a mare mad. And there were hundreds of thousands of millions of them. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would take to help them all. It made me sad, for all my power I still could not save ponies from themselves.

I sighed and swept them all away. There was nothing I could do. I wouldn't know where to begin.

It was times like this when I missed my own capacity to dream. I usually liked helping other ponies with their inner fears, it brought a sense of fulfillment that I rarely got anywhere else. It also set me apart from my sister somewhat, who helped Equestria as a whole more often than on an individual basis as I did. But sometimes I just wanted to take a night to myself too. Unfortunately, this was my responsibility, and it wasn't something I was even able to avoid.

With that thought rolling around in my head, I looked around the blankness of the Dreamscape and decided to sample some of what humanity had to offer. I was only here for three days after all.

I pulled back the massive tornado of dreams and tore away a random chunk from the mass. About nine or so dreams twisted around each other in the bundle, so after sending the rest away again, I spread them out in front of me.

The first looked rather interesting. A small human, perhaps a bit older than a foal but not quite a proper colt, sat on top of a giant caterpillar and was riding it around a city, climbing up over buildings and the like. I decided against it for now, I still had plenty more to choose from.

The second seemed a little less strange. An older human, balding and with a bit of a paunch sat in one of those motorized carriages that humans used. Cars? That was it, he was sitting in a car driving down a long straight road that didn't seem to end, disappearing over the horizon line. A small, purple crescent moon watched over him. It certainly looked peaceful, but also a little boring.

The third involved quite a bit of fighting from what I could see, which I was rather sick of by this point. I quickly discarded it.

The fourth had a human filly sitting in a comfortable looking chair in a small house. He had very dark skin, almost black and a short, curly mane that clung close to her head like moss. She was smiling at a human colt with similarly dark features who was sitting across from her, reading from a book. It seemed a little too personal for me to appear within it, despite how curious I was about human courting rituals.

The fifth had a sinister air to it. A young human with long hair was leaning over a cauldron that was giving off a sickly green glow. A crow, or perhaps a raven, was perched on her shoulder, cackling. I'd seen my fair share of dark magic over the years, and decided to avoid this one like the plague.

Number six was a full blown nightmare, and one of the worst too by the looks of it. A male human was slowly being crushed between two walls, unable escape but still trying anyway. I looked on sadly for a few seconds before sending it away. Simple dreams like that were often related to real life crises, often ones that could not be solved by a simple talking to in a dream. I hated that, but in this world I held nowhere near enough power to act on such vague information.

The seventh was probably the most normal looking of them. Four humans of varying ages sat around a dinner table, eating what looked like salmon. The youngest looked rather familiar, he had a long, dark brown mane and wore torn, black clothing. He looked awkward and out of place, staring down at his plate. The others looked sad, the only female one was actually crying. But the main thing that caught my interest was how vivid it was. There were so many details that other dreams leave out, making it appear actually real. It was almost scary. I wanted to investigate, but decided to look at the final couple of dreams I had selected before doing so.

In comparison to the rest, eight seemed rather boring. It was merely a white space where a single human foal sat, playing with a toy. The toy itself was highly detailed, but everything else seemed rather blurry and indistinct. This was relatively common back in Equestria, a product of an undeveloped mind. I sent it off and moved onto the last.
The ninth and final was rather surreal. A dark skinned male human was standing on top of a huge playground. The playground was more like a labyrinth than a playground though, with slides and ladders and flying foxes and rope bridges all twisting around each other like a bundle of snakes. Every time I looked away from one part, I could never find it again, and tracing a single slide ended up leading my eyes all over the place, as I got distracted by bright colors and moving parts and could never find my place again. Looking at it was starting to make me feel sick.

The only one that had really piqued my curiosity, without making me feel sick at least, was the seventh dream; its incredible vividness was something I had only seen a handful of times before and every time it had been quite interesting. I whisked the remaining dreams back to the tornado and leaped in.

-BLUE SCENE-

I placed my right hand on the knife. It was a simple butter knife, stainless steel, a little brick pattern in the handle but otherwise unadorned. It was so light too. All I could think of when looking at it in my fist was that it was nigh useless as a weapon. I switched hands, shaking off the thought, picked up the fork, and began to eat.

It had been a long time since I'd eaten with cutlery, but I nevertheless handled the implements fine. It still felt horribly awkward at the table, the only sounds my cutlery clinking on the plate and my mother's quiet sobbing. Nobody else was eating.

“Good fish.” I said, but my voice was husky from disuse.

“You've never liked fish.” My brother, Lachlan, replied.

I shrugged. “It's salmon. I like salmon.”

Dad raised an eyebrow. “Since when?”

“Since always.” The sound of voices, talking to me, was music to my ears. “I just hate trout, snapper, cod, both the fish and the game, and basically anything else that lives most of its life immersed in water.” I looked over at my mother, still crying, and decided to make a joke. “Which is going to be all of us if mum doesn't stop crying.”

She sniffled. “Sorry. I just can't believe you're back.”

I grinned. “I was only a month late, jeez. Just missed my bus several hundred times.”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE?” She suddenly roared, making me jump.

My grin faded. “Of course I do. I'm trying to make it so you stop worrying. I'm home, and I'm not leaving. Well, until I have a decent job that is. And I have to leave to go to school. And uni, once I get there. Assuming I'll get an OP. Which I may not, since I missed a decent chunk of grade ten.”

“Don't worry about it, grade ten is useless anyway.” Lachlan said.

I raised an eyebrow. “Duly noted.”

“Your going to be doing a lot of that in the upcoming years I feel.” he replied, grinning a bit.

“Eh?” I asked, confused.

“Duly noting things? Because senior school? You actually have to do work?” He spelled out for me.

I sighed. “Right. Yeah. That's going to be fun.”

We relapsed into silence for a bit, but this time it was far more bearable.

-INDIGO SCENE-

The humans stopped talking and went back to eating. I had made myself invisible and was currently floating above the table, looking down at them. I started to be overwhelmed by a sense of familiarity after hearing them speak. The accent they spoke in, the way they spoke, even how they moved were all needling at me, but I couldn't quite place my hoof on why.

Suddenly there was a ringing sound, like a doorbell.

The family looked up, the smallest one flipping his knife around and holding it up in front of his face in what looked like an automatic gesture. After a second, the tall one stood up and muttered, “I'll get it” before walking off towards what appeared to be the front door of the house. I couldn't see who was on the other side from this angle, but he looked surprised when he opened the door.

“Hello...” He said uncertainly.

I saw an arm raise up, holding a familiar looking object.

There was a quite coughing sound and a plume of blood sprayed out from the back of the tall human's head. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly it took several seconds to register.

The first thing I heard after that moment was the mother scream “LACHLAN!”, just before his body hit the floor with a hollow thud.

A tall human, clad in a black skintight body suit and wearing a strange, smooth helmet, stepped inside, took aim with the silenced pistol and fired three more times.

-BLUE SCENE-

Again I was forced to watch as my brother died right before my eyes. Again I had to watch as my parents followed suit, not even having proper last words before their brains became wall paint. And again, I had to feel my instincts cut in at the last second as I smashed the bullet heading for my face with the flat of the butter knife, deflecting it into my shoulder.

With an inhuman cry of pain and anger, I threw the now horribly bent knife with enough force to pierce the assassin's helmet and send his body through the window behind him. The gun clattered to the floor, and suddenly everything was silent except for a series of ragged, gasping breaths that were coming from my mouth.

-INDIGO SCENE-

I stifled a cry as I watched the shots punch through the mother and father, and as the youngest one retaliated in an infinitely more brutal fashion. He dropped to the ground and puked.

I felt rather like doing the same.

He stayed like that for several seconds, before letting out a wracking sob. He stood up straight again, picked up the gun and placed it in his mouth. With tears streaming down his face, he tightened his grip and...

Let his hand drop, like all the life had gone out of him already.

“Fuck you.” He muttered, staring at the assassin's corpse.

He lifted the gun, aimed it at the dead man, and fired. The shot went horribly off course, breaking another window.

“FUCK YOU!” He screamed, snapping completely and emptying the entire magazine. Not a single shot hit. “WHAT THE FUCK?” He yelled, his voice breaking. He threw the gun at the corpse, tearing through its abdomen despite being a blunt object.

With tears still streaming down his face, he stomped on the corpse again, and again, and again, slowly turning it into an unrecognizable pulp. I was morbidly fascinated by the spectacle, and found myself unable to look away. Eventually, he collapsed, and the world faded to white, with only the young human remaining.

I found myself crying. I slowly floated down and made myself corporal again, somehow wanting to comfort this young human. As I watched, the young human became not so young anymore. He stood up, turned to face me and said, “Why the fuck are you here?”

-BLACK SCENE-

I lay there, feeling my body shift back to normal. It was the first time I'd had this dream in months, perhaps even close to a year. I thought I had finally been free of it.

Apparently not.

I'd been having that dream all my life, since as far back as I could remember. Of course, I didn't expect it to come true back then. I hauled myself to my feet with considerable effort and turned around, only to come face to face with someone I was entirely not expecting.

“Why the fuck are you here?” I asked, jolted out of my depression by a naked woman with long, starry hair that looked like the night sky.

She opened her mouth, squeaked and closed it again. She stared directly into my eyes for a second before tackling me into a hug.

I really didn't expect that. What the hell was going on?

“I didn't know I could dream up people to comfort me. That would have been really useful the other hundred times.” I muttered, staring up at the blank white sky.

“You didn't dream me up.” The woman said, he voice cracking slightly.

“That's what they all say.”

“You really don't recognize me?”

“You're the human version of Princess Luna, and it wouldn't be the first time you've been here.” I sighed. “Although being naked is a first. Actually a second I think, there was that one dream... Not that I'm really complaining, but it's been a while since I actually saw someone naked. That's not true, since Shyvanna is a thing, isn't it? Nevermind, you know this already, you're simply a personification of a part of my psyche. Apparently the naked female part with portal hair, which I wasn't aware I had, but whatever.”

She stood up and crossed her arms, looming over me. “What are you babbling on about? I'm the real deal.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Pretty sure you're a pony then. Still naked with the starry hair though, so you were half right. Two thirds? Actually, you usually wear the necklace thing, and a crown, and the hoof shoe thingies. Blegh, whatever.”

“Do I need to prove it?” She asked, frowning.

I waved a hand in dismissal. “Nah, most figments of my imagination don't fight this hard assume their own reality. Congratulations I guess, you're the first sign that I'm going insane.”

“How do you go from pitiful to completely infuriating within the space of seconds?” She asked rhetorically, unfolding her arms and letting them hang by her sides.

“I would not nearly be this casual if I hadn't seen it so many times before. Desensitization. I still hate it, but I recover quickly nowadays. It's just a constant reminder of how suddenly I can lose the things I care about.” I scratched my neck uncomfortably. “I think the fact that it's lost all personal meaning is what scares me the most.”

“So, Edward, can you tell me how in Tartarus I have managed to find your dreams not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times.”

“Not everything needs a reason, and not everything that has one has one we can comprehend.” I replied philosophically. “Sometimes one must suspend their disbelief to engage in an experience to its full.”

She sighed. “Alright then, second question. What happened to your hair?”

I pulled a strand of hair in front of my eyes and looked at it. It was my normal, dark brown hair. “I have no idea, but what you're seeing is the original me, who I was before I came to Equestria. Most humans have either brown or black hair, although a few have a more yellow color and an even smaller number have red. We are nowhere near as diverse looking as ponies in that respect, so it comes down to subtle features like face and body structure. Thus, my kinky brown hair, as opposed to midnight blue and anime.”

“Anime?”

I flashed a series of scenes from various anime around us. “Japanese animation. Don't worry about it. Human thing.”

Luna cocked her head and studied the clips with interest. “If you have so much control over your dreams, why don't you stop yourself from having that one?”

“I can't.” I said simply. “I'm okay with that though. It brings me down a notch, reminds me of my own vulnerability. Not to mention that of those around me too. Rather funny, considering how I just ended up getting arrested because I couldn't defend myself against two cops. I'm getting sloppy.”

“You got arrested?” Luna asked, her eyes widening in surprise. “For what? How?”

“Attempted rape. I'm sure I'd find that hilarious if I wasn't lying unconscious in the back of a police car right now. I'll probably actually get convicted for possession of illegal firearms and all that. As for how...” I paused my exposition to stand up with a grunt and stretch. “Well, after a drug induced high followed by inter dimensional travel, I wasn't exactly at the top of my game.”

Luna held up a hand. “Wait a second...”

“Yes, I followed you two through the portal. Entirely by accident. Because I was high.” I sighed and turned off gravity, making myself float upwards a bit. “Can't say I'm loving that decision. Should have just let you two teleport into the sun.”

“What?”

“I fixed Honored's rune. Triangulated position so you navigated properly, fixed a couple of other things here and there and generally made it so it wouldn't end reality or whatever.” I did a flip. “Who knows what would have happened if I didn't?”

“I'm sure it would have been fine.” She said defensively. “I trust Honored Service.”

“I wish I did, then I wouldn't have been smashed in the side of the head with a pistol.” I muttered, spinning over Luna's head. “Then again, did get to see human Shyv, which was pretty cute. Dunno which I'd rate higher, but hey, I can figure that out later.”

Luna's eye twitched as she watched me bounce around her. “Can you stop that? It's hard to hold a conversation with someone who's floating above your head.”

“My dream, my rules.” I said, growing a pair of wings and gliding back down in front of her. “But in all seriousness, do not tell anybody about what you've seen. It's an event that has shaped who I am, but it is by no means my only reason to be.” I looked down and said, more to myself than Luna, “Not anymore at least.”

She nodded solemnly, but said nothing.

“Alright then. Now I need to know. What's it like having-”

My eyes snapped open.

“boobs?”

A hand smacked me in the side of the head, making lights dance in front of my eyes.

I looked around. I was seated in the back seat of a car, sitting next to the female police office who I had hit earlier. Stacy? That sounded about right. She was holding her hand up, ready to hit me again.

“Apparently your dreams are as perverse as your habits.” She said, scowling.

“Now that's just unfair.” I grumbled, noting my cuffed hands. “Anyway, right about now is the point where you remind me that anything I say or do can be held against me in court, yes?”

“Right on the money.” Said a male voice that I recognized as the male officer. He was driving, with Shyv in the passenger seat. “Although you're going away for a while for assaulting an officer already, so you might as well just run your mouth as much as you want.

“Is a while less than two days? I kind of have a portal to get back to.”

The car was silent for a few seconds before Jeff said, “You make terrible jokes son.”

“It's not a joke.” Shyv said quietly.

“Don't worry dear, it's just whatever he gave you messing with your mind.” Stacy said. “Just get some rest, we'll have a doctor look after you in a minute.”

“I've told you, I'm fine!” She replied, although she sounded like she hardly believed it herself.

“What's this now?” I asked, still a bit groggy.

“It's pretty obvious that they believe that you have drugged her in an attempt to prevent her from retaliating against your advances.” Melody said acidly from somewhere next to me.

There were simultaneous cries of “Who said that?” and “GlaDOS?"

I groaned. “So like, if my iPod talks, does that count as something that can count against me as evidence in court?”

“What?” Both cops asked in unison.

There was an angry static crackle and Melody grumbled, “You know what? I've decided that you grasp things at light speed in comparison to the rest of your race. No wonder sentient robots in popular media are so often portrayed as having the objective of killing all humans.”

“I totally agree with that evaluation.” I sighed. “Anyway, back to the issue at hand.”

“You have a sentient iPod?” Stacy asked, going from angry to curious.

I stuck out my tongue in distaste. “Yep, it's not as cool as it sounds.”

“For both sides of the relationship may I add.” Melody continued.

Stacy reached into her pocket and pulled Melody out. She was currently representing herself on-screen with the avatar she had used once before. Stacy tapped the bottom button, bringing up the unlock screen.

“Do you mind?” Melody snapped, her voice bit-crunching slightly.

“Can you feel that?” Stacy asked, tapping the screen.

“Of course I can! It's a touch-screen you imbecile.” She growled.

I held up a finger. “Can I just take this moment to remind you that I hate Melody, and would rather not be associated with her in any way. Please do not hold her actions against me.”

“What actions can I take, idiot?” She spat out. “I'm a glorified hunk of metal with a chunk of glass and a winning personality.”

“You can horribly insult me, the cops and possibly provide either fake or real evidence in court.”

“What, you mean like your sexual tastes?”

“Fuck off, you know I'm asexual.”

“Your internet history begs to differ.”

“You also know that I delete that. And then purge it from the memory storage and overwrite where it originally was. Because I'm cool like that. And I use a browser that goes through several different proxies, so it isn't even my IP that's stored either.”

She snorted. “You realize I am the machine you're working with right?”

I frowned. “Yes, and that's why I'm calling your bluff. Even you cannot access something that's been that thoroughly erased.”

Melody sighed. “Alright, you got me there. You are pretty good at covering your tracks.”

“Damn fucking straight I am.” I said proudly.

“You realize that your proficiency in that area can be used as evidence against you, right?” Jeff laughed.

“Yes, because carrying around a modified firearm, several large knives and god knows what else can't.” I replied sarcastically.

Jeff laughed again, more nastily this time. “I hope you go away for a long time. You need the attitude change.”

“Did it ever occur to you that the reason I have said attitude is because I am entirely unafraid of 'going away for a long time' as you put it?” I tried to cross my arms and failed because of the handcuffs. I settled for flipping off the back of Jeff's head, which earned me another hit from Stacy. “Can you stop hitting me?”

“Can you stop being a piece of shit?” She muttered.

“Technically, he's a human. Not a piece of shit.” Melody piped up.

“Amen.” I muttered.

“So he basically equates to lower than a piece of shit, because at least excrement serves a valuable purpose in the continued survival of life on this planet.”

“And there it fucking is.” I sighed. “Can't just say something in my defense and be done with it, can you?”

“I didn't say it in your defense, I said it to point out the stupidity of the monkey currently holding me.” She replied.

“A monkey? That's the best you can come up with?” Stacy asked rhetorically.

“You're right, that's offense to monkeys.” Melody conceded. “How about goldfish? Your mouth seems to gape in a rather similar manner.”

“Not exactly original, are you?” I laughed.

“I don't need to be, only truthful.”

“Well, that's a lie.”

“Doesn't really matter, does it?”

I shrugged. “Mmm, guess not.”

“Hate to break up your lovely little conversation back there.” Jeff interrupted. “But we're here.”

I looked out the window at the police station, gray and ominous in the early morning light, and found myself remembering my dream.

Perhaps I wasn't as confident about my chances as I appeared.

Author's Note:

So uh. I wrote a chapter with exactly 6900 words. By accident. It was this. Shame the author's notes count towards the word count.

Anyway, on a more serious note, there's a bit of backstory to the whole dream thing. Basically, I, as in the real me, has had that reoccurring dream throughout my entire life. Edward the character wasn't actually planned to be an orphan until recently, because it's an annoying cliche that I tend to not like, until I realized the sheer amount of things I could extend off it and how well it fitted in with his backstory's general tone as opposed to the main story. Anyway, that's just in case you care.

Comments

[djponyfl]

Yes another fantastic chapter, and I can't wait to read more of it.