Even though Twilight looks as if she's the most powerful unicorn, (now alicorn) she still does things wrong. Like casting spells into completely other worlds.
Chapters (2)
MojoDash
Joined 1st Nov, 2012 ·
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Lol my favourite part is "Pinkie promise me! Don't tell anyone my feelings for him! You can't!" Ah laked it fer y'all. :3
2566167 Thank you! :) xxx <3 up load more of yours, and I'll comment on them.
2566177 I just submitted my first chapter and waiting for approval :3
Alright, redcoat.
This here's not that bad, really, compared to some other things I've seen, but it does need some editing. The sentence structure is kind of awkward in places, primarily in the first chapter, and Twilight seems somewhat out-of-character with how she yelled at her friends on the train, and how she just kind of let them fawn over her, when it's been shown that she's not an attention seeker (Boast Busters).
Bet you already know what went wrong there, huh?
Also, something I noticed in both chapters:
What's that? Based on context, I assume it's a British way of saying rambling.
All-in-all, decent work, and with a little effort it'll get better.
Your Yankee reviewer,
Kage no Brony
2566411 Nope, waffling is internally debating with oneself to the point that one is rapidly changing opinions.
2566411 Thank you very much for your crit. A lot of the time, when I'm typing on my iPad, I go really quick and do words completely wrong, so yeah, I should just proofread. I will go and edit my mistakes, and I'll change how Twilight acts on the train. Do you have any ideas what I should make her say? Again thank you for reading!
~MojoDash
I don't even know what's going on.
2566763
Hmm... have you already made edits? Because it seems the part on the train from Canterlot isn't what I thought it was- Twilight's reactions seem more in-character now.
Going over that scene with a fine-toothed comb, however, I see that there are still some edits you could make.
Here's a legend:
(0.5) Did you mean And or Ah'd?
(1) You should change 'ain't' to 'don' ' or 'don't'. Ain't is more like 'is not' than 'does not'. If you really want to put 'ain't', you should change 'wanna' to 'gonna'.
(1.5 [Red Text]) Deleting this text weeds out words and characters that are unnecessary to getting your point across, thereby clarifying the statement a little.
(2) Awkward phrasing. It would read better "even though there wasn't really any reason for her to."
(3) Was? Past tense? Did she die recently? 'Cause she's right there in the train. You want 'is'.
(4) Awkward phrasing. You might want "in addition to" and get rid of the 'as' after it, or "as much" and keep the 'as'.
(5) You want "satisfaction".
(6) Awkward phrasing, but for the life of me I can't think of a suitable replacement...
____
I hope you don't think I'm picking on you or anything, because that's totally NOT what I'm trying to do. I want to see you learn, grow, and succeed.
2569542 Thabk you very much for those edits. I will get to them after school!
They will help me a lot, and yes, I have edited the train scene. I haven't gone through the whole story yet, and edited grammatical mistakes, but I will do.
Also when I'm writing as Applejack, I never know where to put all of those apostrophes in her words. Like ah'd . As in I'd .
Thank you again!