There's A Storm Comin'

by MojoDash

2 ~Parallel Worlds

There's a storm comin' chapter 2

Rainbow Dash was the first to wake up. She yawned and stretched her legs out, moaning in pain at first. As she opened her eyes, everything that had happened flew into her head. She bolted upright. "Ohmygosh!" She squealed and went to wake up Twilight. She suddenly stopped and looked around her. Dash sighed in relief. "Phew. Nothing happened, we're still here." A pang of disappointment swelled inside her, it would have been awesome to be in another world. Rainbow froze. What was that?
"No you go up! It's your house!"
"But... What if there's a monster? There was a huge bang!" Two voices came from below. It was a female voice first, then a deep, handsome voice. Rainbow gasped.
"Twilight! Wake up, please!" The cyan pegasus hissed. Twilight did as Rainbow wished, and slowly got up.
"What? Oh relax, looks like that spell did nothing. How am I going to figure the riddle out?" Twilight said, starting to talk to herself. Twilight hadn't noticed, but her dress was torn, the beautiful lace limped and a lot of strands fell out of place. The golden material was messed up, ruffled and there were sequins covering the floor.
"No! Listen!" Once again, the voices argued about who was coming to check out what was in his room. The room looked just like Twilight's bedroom, yet without the pictures of her, spike and the mane 6. Slowly, each pony woke up and RD and Twilight had to tell them what was going on. Rarity blinked a couple of times, and froze in her position. After a few seconds, she wailed out loud.
"T-T-T-Twilight! Your- y- y- m-m-my dress I made..!" She then fell back on the floor, crying.Twilight looked down at her dress, upset.
"Oh... I'm so sorry Rarity!" She said, and started taking it off. Twilight placed the ruined dress on the bed and lay down next to the white and purple unicorn.

Rainbow bravely stood at the top of the stairs and said: "That's it! I'm going down." She trotted down the steps with her wings tucked in. Again, everything was set out the same, just without Twilight and Spike's personal possessions. Rainbow looked at the two ponies. The two strangers... The female had a light shade of pink coat, and a dark blue and purple mane. She held it high in a bun. The mare's cutie mark was a tube of lipstick and some blusher. Rainbow looked to the quivering stallion. He had a dark blue coat, a light yellow mane and his cutie mark was a book. "May I help?" The pink pegasus mare asked, looking scared herself.
"Um..." Rainbow Dash think! You can't just tell her you are from another world... "Yeah we are new round here, and were looking for the library... Guess me and my friends came in the wrong way... Heh..." She said, thinking of other things she could say.
"W-W-We?" The stallion said.
"Yeah, me and my friends. Guys come out!" Rainbow Dash said, turning and gesturing her spying friends to come out onto the stair case. The pink pegasus spoke up again.
"Well why didn't you come through the door?" She said strongly. Pinkie took this question.
"Cos we are weeeiiirrd ponies! And ponies don't just walk through doors... They take the window! Betcha can't do that now, can ya?" She giggled, getting a light smack from Rainbow Dash. "Ouch!" She giggled.
"Okay... So lets just pretend you walked through the door and are looking for your book or whatever you needed. Come on down!"

Twilight's POV

My heart exploded as I saw that handsome stallion unicorn. I suddenly felt the need to protect him, care for him... Love him... I didn't listen to the ponies discussing how they got in, instead, I stared at the unicorn.
"Sure!" Pinkie smiled and bounced down the steps. "So... Are you two mare friend and colt friend?" She said nosily. The words struck me like lightning. Would they? Could they? Yes, they certainly could be together. I waited like a foal wanting to know if they could get the pot of sweets they'd wanted.
"What?! Oh no, no way!" They both said, still explaining how they were definitely not together. They kept pointing at each other and laughing.
"Never in a million years!" The Pegasus laughed, but it looked like the unicorn felt as struck as me. I trotted down the stairs and as I got closer to the stallion, my heart thumped louder.
"Well you should be! So... What are your guys' names?" Pinkie asked, then starting to pretend looking for a book.
"I'm Eclipse..." The stallion said.
"And I'm Mel." The pink pony said. I opened her mouth to say my name, but I couldn't. I blushed and flew over to a bookcase.
"Where is 'Mastering Organisation'? I thought it was over here..." I said, scanning the bookcase. Rainbow Dash squeaked and flew over to me.
"Ahem princess, how are you supposed to know that?" Rainbow Dash hissed.
"Oh, ermm... I don't even know why it would be here, because it's not like I've been here, let alone lived here! Ahaha..." I laughed awkwardly, probably making matters worse. Everyone stared at me. Eclipse glanced at Mel. He shook his head.
"Mastering Organisation is actually on this shelf." The stallion said, walking over to some more books. He raised a hoof, then using his magic, brought down the book and placed it in front of me. I smiled gratefully.
"Thanks." I choked out. I started flicking through the pages, although I had memorised most if the book anyway. I went and sat down on a seat, peeking over the pages at Eclipse. I couldn't stop watching him. He started making a conversation with Rarity. The little flirt... I scowled in my head. I w taken aback at what I'd thought. "Uhh, Rarity?" I asked, jealousy travelling through my body as they both started laughing. The unicorn battered her eyelashes and then excused herself to come over to me.
"Yes Twilight?" She still seemed a bit miffed at how her dress was ruined.
"I think you should read this book. I mean, it's about organisation and believe me, I've seen your inspiration room... I can't believe you messed it up again after Sweetie Belle tidied it!" I giggled and passed the book over to her.
"Umm... Thanks... I'll read it later." She said, gently pushing the book back towards me. She obviously was confused with how I was acting while we were in another world. I crossed my hooves as Rarity sauntered back to Eclipse.
"There's no need to worry, Rarity flirts with every guy!" Pinkie's head spoke from a bookshelf.
"Gah! Pinkie! How do you... Know?" I said, lowering my voice. Pinkie fell about laughing and jumped out of the shelf.
"Well it is kinda obvious when you stare at him longingly! I bet you will date loads of times, get married, move back to Equestria, have kids, have grandchildren, watch-" Again, the pink pony was shut up by a hoof in her mouth. I didn't just make her be quiet from her 'driving-you-crazy' waffling, but also because she was speaking so loud! I pulled her close, still with my hoof in her mouth.
"Pinkie promise me. Don't even tell anyone my feelings for him! You can't!" I bellowed, then grinning sheepishly as everyone started at me.
"Twalight? Whatcha doin' with Pinkie?" Applejack mused, coming towards us. My hoof flew out of her lips in embarrassment, then gawping at the saliva dribbling down it. Rarity gagged and looked away, turning Eclipse round with her. Fluttershy flew over to me and laughed gently.
"Um, Twilight? What were you doing?" She trotted over to Pinkie and asked if she was okay.
"I was ... Doing something. Anyway, I think we should go. We've had a nice look around here, we best be off to explore more of Ponyville." I walked out the door, slamming it a bit. I could still here the voices, and Rarity's seemed to be the loudest in my head. I sat down and hung my head low, feeling a tear rolling down my cheek.
"Oh well, we should meet again sometime my dear!" Rarity's voice stabbed me. "The theatre? Sure! See you soon! Mwah!"

Author's Note:

This chapter is finished now, so thank you very much for reading! If you liked it, be sure to press that thumbs up button, and leave a comment! Crit is welcome, just no rudeness please.

Comments

[Dashabel]

Lol my favourite part is "Pinkie promise me! Don't tell anyone my feelings for him! You can't!" Ah laked it fer y'all. :3

[MojoDash]

2566167 Thank you! :) xxx <3 up load more of yours, and I'll comment on them.

[Dashabel]

2566177 I just submitted my first chapter and waiting for approval :3

[Kage no Brony]

Alright, redcoat.

This here's not that bad, really, compared to some other things I've seen, but it does need some editing. The sentence structure is kind of awkward in places, primarily in the first chapter, and Twilight seems somewhat out-of-character with how she yelled at her friends on the train, and how she just kind of let them fawn over her, when it's been shown that she's not an attention seeker (Boast Busters).

The little flirt... I scowled in my head. I w taken aback at what I'd thought.

Bet you already know what went wrong there, huh?

Also, something I noticed in both chapters:

waffling

What's that? Based on context, I assume it's a British way of saying rambling.

All-in-all, decent work, and with a little effort it'll get better.

Your Yankee reviewer,
Kage no Brony

[ping111]

2566411 Nope, waffling is internally debating with oneself to the point that one is rapidly changing opinions.

[MojoDash]

2566411 Thank you very much for your crit. A lot of the time, when I'm typing on my iPad, I go really quick and do words completely wrong, so yeah, I should just proofread. I will go and edit my mistakes, and I'll change how Twilight acts on the train. Do you have any ideas what I should make her say? Again thank you for reading!
~MojoDash

[Rainbow_Flash]

I don't even know what's going on.

[Kage no Brony]

2566763

Hmm... have you already made edits? Because it seems the part on the train from Canterlot isn't what I thought it was- Twilight's reactions seem more in-character now.

Going over that scene with a fine-toothed comb, however, I see that there are still some edits you could make.

Here's a legend:

Potential Change(footnote number)
Something that should be deleted
Something that should be added

" 'Ahd(0.5) stop talkin' to her like that Rainbow! You're not her boss okay? Give her a break, what if she ain't wanna(1) be flyin' all day?" Applejack butted in, rather harshly. This time Rarity stepped in.

"Yes. I agree with Applejack. Fluttershy is a perfectly normal Pegasus, and she doesn't fly everywhere!" Fluttershy blushed, although having no reason to what so ever.(2)

"Well I wouldn't say Fluttershy was(3) a normal Pegasus... She's practically scared of the sky!" Rainbow Dash said, nudging Rarity. The group continued to argue, while Twilight lay on the seat, her head starting to throb as well(4) as her wings.

"Girls, please!" She called, and to her satisfactory(5), they all fell quiet. "Thank you. I hate it when we argue. I'm fine, just a little tired. Now let's all have peace(6) on our journey home!" The train finally chuffed into movement, suddenly reaching a high speed. Outside, the poshly trimmed bushes of Canterlot faded away, as the view became more rural.

(0.5) Did you mean And or Ah'd?

(1) You should change 'ain't' to 'don' ' or 'don't'. Ain't is more like 'is not' than 'does not'. If you really want to put 'ain't', you should change 'wanna' to 'gonna'.

(1.5 [Red Text]) Deleting this text weeds out words and characters that are unnecessary to getting your point across, thereby clarifying the statement a little.

(2) Awkward phrasing. It would read better "even though there wasn't really any reason for her to."

(3) Was? Past tense? Did she die recently? 'Cause she's right there in the train. You want 'is'.

(4) Awkward phrasing. You might want "in addition to" and get rid of the 'as' after it, or "as much" and keep the 'as'.

(5) You want "satisfaction".

(6) Awkward phrasing, but for the life of me I can't think of a suitable replacement...

____

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you or anything, because that's totally NOT what I'm trying to do. I want to see you learn, grow, and succeed.

[MojoDash]

2569542 Thabk you very much for those edits. I will get to them after school! They will help me a lot, and yes, I have edited the train scene. I haven't gone through the whole story yet, and edited grammatical mistakes, but I will do.

Also when I'm writing as Applejack, I never know where to put all of those apostrophes in her words. Like ah'd . As in I'd .

Thank you again!