~~I've Tweaked, Editted, and Re-written and proof read a lot. And if all goes well, i will be adding more. So Hopefully the new rendition is a little easier to understand and flow with.~~
This Story Takes place in a World Similar To Equestria but holds Key Differences. Many May not see them Immediately but most will notice them eventually. This story Has emotion, intrigue, Love, hate,fun, sad. Crying is most prominent about mid way through, and your sure to feel proud of yourself.
Dare you open the door to a realm which holds so much mystery and wonder... Open your mind to a adventure that it may never forget? Maybe it will be memorable, or maybe it will not. You get to decide that.
Do not be afraid of the different, fear not that which is odd, do not shun the abnormal.
But find it to be a doorway to a realm like no other.
[Please Comment, and tell me what you think. Give me feedback Critique, Please help me better this story so all can enjoy it! Don't be afraid to tell me. I will take everything and not be mad.
alright seems legit will commence reading
luna approves of this story... i kno cause i got dat mare on speed dial.
171926 Thank you, I got a few reviews from my Friends, said it may be a bit to fast, but im sure given time, ill fix that.
Glad to hear you liked it, more to come for sure.
Also A LOT of Revisions happened. SO please bear with me X3 Im trying my best to write it very decent.
From what I've read your friends are correct. Things are happening way to fast IMO, but I like character development and things like that so I may be biased. Still, slow down a little in either case.
I didn't read all of it, but from what I did read it seemed like a decent enough story. Have 4 stars.
fix the pacing or whatever you want to call it a little and I might come back and read it if I have the time.
Chaptar 2 Is up and out. Hope you enjoy. Chapter 3 Will be Out soon, I am Really enjoying Writing this story.
I really like this
only complaint is that you not published more yet 
And btw what are you crossovering with?
173000 As of right now, its still in its Developmental Stages. Ive spent somewhere close to 6 Hours Bouncing ideas of my Friend who is going to be a BIG part of this story. I am Writing as fast as i can, without making the Story look to rushed.
I have Hundreds of Possiable Ways i can take it, and i am gonna Try my damned hardest to create original ideas and things as to bring a flare many do not see to this story, and to the world of Equestria and those other worlds they will soon be traveling to. ;]
Teaser Alert o:
173242 well I can understand if you take your time so don't feel rushed (I am an incredibly slow writer myself xD) but I was wondering what universe nathaniel is from or if he is an original character from any other stories you might have written?
i like
173272 Nathaniel is a VERY VERY OLD D&D Character i started back 8 years ago. His Adventures have been WIDE AND Numerous. As i know he has much mystery around him As of right now, I will Infact be putting in side stories as to explain various aspects of his life and why he dose what he dose. So to keep a suspense full essence to the story, so you MUST read on and Find out *evil laugh* muahahahahah
173363 Thank you
173404 oh and I who was hoping that you had already written some stories about him so that I could read them while i'm waiting for this to update :( oh well I guess I'll have to wait :P I really like him as a character this far however :D
173426 A lot have been lost to the internet. I will how ever be adding some soon. Ive got ideas flowing like a waterfall.
sweet new chapter can;t wait to dig into this edible writing .... yum.. tastes just like pinkies mane does
173873 Oh pinkie.. shes incomeing! *is tackled by a pink pony who is jumping on him* Where am i?! where am i!? iwanna thrown a party! throw a party!!!!
well since no one has giving you any critique i guess ill just point some shit out yo.
1. Capitalization errors are quite common.
A couple examples out that would be Rainbow Dash not Rainbow dash. I instead of i.
" "It will take a minute or to, this is a bad case, What have you put on this?" " you have What capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
Just little things like that.
2. Massive comma abuse. try to use a lot less comma's.
3. Also add much much much more detail.
ex. Lighting, coloring, how the character is feeling physically, emotionally. What time of the day is it? (in bigger detail) What the surrounding environment is like... the more detail you add the better it will be.
4. try to tighten up your grammer. By that I mean well let me just give you an example.
" "So we gonna go see rainbow dash? can i show you where she is? huh? huh?" she said with much renewed energy. "
"So we gonna go see Rainbow Dash? Can I show you where she is? huh, huh?! " She said, with much renewed energy.
Also try to add more detail when a character is talking like for example. "She said, with much renewed energy." Maybe Scoots is jumping up and down or maybe has a certain gleam in her eye? what is scoots doing while she said that other then having renewed energy.
your story is interesting and has much potential. Follow some of these tips and you'll have the next my little dashie.
173953 My heart, it weeps. I am touched.
I am working my best to revise/rewrite/add and specllcheck everything i can. Im jsut trying to get the ideas out so i can keep up with my Speed daemon of a brain.
But those are nice tips, and ive been seeing everything u said, i do use Commas WAY to much xD Iono why. But i will fix it, and get rid of those Capitalization errors. As well as add Detail, so do check back in 10 or so minutes. Im sure you'll like what you see.
I am up to 17 Followers, More then 400 Views. And Much Help. I thank all of you as dose my Brother, and Friend, and Editor Lucious. He Is the guy behind the scenes, and soon, more. We both are working hard to create this master piece that seems to be growing rather fast.
And I know for a fact, we are enjoying this Fun and Exciting writing process.
The estimated Amount of chapters for this story alone, before we get half way done, is roughly.. 25~30. So we do hope you sit on the edge of your seat, each cliffhanger drawing you ever more in... Every Mystery that fills the air, making you cry with anticipation, Every last Sentence making you wish there was more. I hope you want to kill me when i leave you guessing, wishing and wanting. Because then i know... Ive done my job.
-Nater grey, and Lucious Androclease. Brother, Brony's and Friends For life.
The plot thickens :D
174979 Oh you have noooo idea... I havnt stopped writeing for ... 10 hrs now... This story just went to a level ive never gone before, and it keeps going.. and going... I knew i loved to write, and i loved Ponies, but this.. this is just... beyond words.
I, cannot begin to express the Emotions i felt, writing this Chapter. This story is no longer a Fanfic. No. It is more then that. This chapter, Full of emotion, will rock, your minds.
o snap! 3 new chapters to read... where have I been
wat a tweeeeeeest
175355 No where, i just couldn't sleep. So i wrote.
175396
gracias amigo
This.....I...I think this touched me more than My Little Dashie......And thats saying alot!*crys*
I.....I.....*sniff*..This...is.....Work from a god among authors....Five stars *goes to cry his heart out some more*
This pleases me greatly
175623 I am trying my best to write it with as much emotion as i can. I did not think i would go in such a direction so fast, but it just happened to flow that way. Thank you.
More is being written all the time, and i hope you continue to enjoy it.
You have me hooked on this story
Well that's a long break.
Life. I also had no ideas where i was going. But since recently, i've got a structure, and a goal. So keep watchin.
Wow, this could use some editing...
That should be 'found'.
I'd suggest starting this sentence with 'She was ...'.
Since 'Twilight' is a name (proper noun), it should be capitalized. I'd advise using 'until', or taking away the second 'l', because till has a lot of meanings including referring to where you keep the the cash in a store. It may be technically correct, but it looks and sounds weird.
This sentence sounds strange. Twilight presumably looked up because she was tapped, not with the express of purpose of seeing Celestia. You could have written -> 'When Twilight looked up, she saw Celestia and something?' or 'Twilight looked up quickly, seeing Celestia and something?'. Also using 'something' as a way to describe a foreign creature is vague and non-specific. I think Twilight knows the difference between a creature and an unexpected bookshelf. The world someone might be more appropriate.
These should probably be on separate lines (see below), since they are dialogue and because it helps the reader to see who is talking.
Celestia smiling could be on the same line as her spoken words, but also separating those helps convey the time in between things happening. Obviously, Celestia cannot smile and speak at the same time and most of the time there would be a pause in between.
I realize that you're trying to tell the human is from a far away place, but I think 'came' is more appropriate here since the action is completed. He came to Equestria. There is no need to capitalize the word 'days'. I would also advise splitting the two statements make there into the following (see below).
* obviously with the requisite capitalization of the first word in the sentence.
You shouldn't capitalize 'she' here since 'she said' is sort of the conclusion to the previous statement(s). Also, we don't know that he's seventeen years old and none of the characters actually told us, so that should be omitted or mentioned in dialogue. You should try not to use numbers in writing unless you're referring to something written on an object within the story like a ledger or a book marked as, say, 'volume V'. You sould also try to refrain from writing things like 'the Glorious White Alicorn'. Everybody in the room and the readers knows that that's Princess Celestia, so there is no need to belabor the point or describe her. Also, you wouldn't capitalize it unless that was her title (her actual title is 'Princess').
~~~
That's enough example to make my point, I think.
You have that kind of issue at least once every other sentence, if not more often. It would be much more enjoyable to read if the grammar were less awful.
P.S.
Your chapter titles... aaahh!
The word is 'interesting' (note the -two- 'e's) not 'intresting'. It's 'dying', not 'dyeing', unless you mean the recoloring of the universe with pigment. Also, the word you are looking for in the title of chapter "7" is 'unveiling'. Yes, it breaks the whole 'i before, except after c' rule. Welcome to the English language, writer of fanfiction.
I like how the story is going, but I HIGHLY suggest you get an editor. Spacing, punctuation, capitalization and structure errors are incredibly common and make this difficult to read. If your ideas are just coming out to fast, as you say, I suggest you finish the story and do a COMPLETE rewrite. Because all the problems this story has are really getting in the way and likely putting a lot of potential readers off.
5190070 the first one isn't right. It's seven years ago, but we are reading in the present tense. It's an omnipresent narrator.
5190070 Well, It would have been better criticism, if it wasn't layered with a fine coating of "Cou De La Ass" But Meh, People are as they are. I never promised i was the King of Writing. Its a re-read, re-write and fix it over time.
I thank you for the insigtful assistance, but try not to cover it all with that fine coating again. It does leave a funky taste.