• Member Since 18th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 7th, 2015

Nater-Grey


Bronys For life. Equestria, What kind of world is that? A Masterpiece in the making. Please take a moment to read it. and tell me what you think. Nathaniel Grey, Wizard of Many Talents.

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In the Alternate Dimension of Equestria where there live the Human Counterparts to the Glorious Ponies, Rainbow dash just out for her daily Exercise Routine finds herself caught in a mishap between Trixie and Twilight Sparkle. Being caught in the middle, the unstable Magic Slingshots the poor Rainbow Dash to a completely Alternate World, where... Men seem to have a Iron Fist.

Caught up in the antic's of trying to survive, what lengths will she go to fend them off, and how far will she go to get back home, If she even can. This is an adventure she wished she never had, and hopes doesn't last very long. Just what is so special about this world?

[ Cover Art by the Talented [quitoxica] From Deviant art. I claim absolutely nothing of the pic. In any shape or form. ]

Updates Will be Anywhere from 1~2 days. Will try to update best i can.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 9 )

Im looking forward to more

Goes way to fast. You have several chapters worth of story in a few paragraphs. It would help if you first established the world that she lived in, it being an alternate reality then the one were used too and ours. So it would be important to set the setting, which brings us to another problem.

I could never feel comfortable in any scene, it all moved too fast, each paragraph seems to be a different scene, a different area, a new story, Its all facts, all a very rough idea of what's happening, not how Rainbow Dash if feeling, or any mood setting.

I'm left rereading over again a lot feeling I missed something, never given enough time too feel comfortable in any setting. The fact you gave this new world that we are unfamiliar with exactly one paragraph before her getting captured just leaves us with in unclear idea of where we are or whats going on. While that may be the idea, we hear none of Rainbow Dash's thoughts on the matter, which should have filled an entire chapter on its own, her trying to grasp what happened.

Then she gets captured and we meet a crucial character, again, having only one paragraph to get to know her before the scene changes again, taking us to the trip to the arena.

"The trip lasted a what felt like a eternity", besides obvious spelling errors, what trip? how long did it actually last? did they walk the way or were they taken by cart? How did her fellow slaves feel? These are questions that need to be answered before moving on, your very brief with everything, and don't elaborate on anything. Another example is when Rainbow Dash "was crying at this point". That could have been more elaborate.

The paragraphs are also way too long, which makes it hard to read at times. The story itself is good, and very interesting, but I feel your trying to tell too much as quick as you can. You need to slow down and give everything its proper detail, establish settings and characters, give internal turmoil, and help paint the picture.

Tracking this now... So twilight an trixie have magic, does that mean Rainbow has wings? She was sleeping on a cloud bed, so I really hope you give her wings. Good story, cant wait for more.

229269 It does not go that fast. Or at least as fast as you think. I know There is a few details i missed i know, i am not a "perfect" writer. I try my best and i write what i have on my mind. Its hard for me to write out every last detail of every character. I try my best but im sure you can at least imagine what shes feeling.

229610 I will be Expanding on what exactly the status is of all the characters soon. I just wanted to get the main idea out for now and then expand off it. IF i do revise this chapter i will be sure to tell ;]

Thanks for the comments. and hope the next chapter is a bit more liked.

This is really good! I think at one point you should write a bit about Twilights efforts to find her though...:moustache:

Interesting fic just...

New line, new speaker.
For every new line of dialogue/speak, put it on another line, space it out.

"So, you're telling me, for every new line of dialogue I need to create a new paragraph?" :rainbowhuh:

"Yup!" :pinkiehappy: "That way the reader can distinguish who's saying what and not have to guess, plus it makes the whole much easier to read!"

"Huh, makes sense."

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