Discord drifted through the air, his face towards the ceiling. He had been in the castle for a month. And now he was out of things to do. Sure he could always try to prank Luna again, but she was starting to ignore him at Celestia's suggestion. Of all the times for her to start taking Celestia's advice!
He drifted around a corner and saw two guards walking by below. He was tempted, but the guards had ignored him from the beginning. He sighed to himself. "What to do?"
"You can come down here."
Discord stopped and turned over. Celestia was standing below looking up at him. Discord stood up and pretended to jump off a diving board. He landed in the carpet with a splash, his head surfacing after a second. "You called?"
Celestia turned away and began to walk. Discord began to swim after her. "Come now Celestia, don't make me guess. You weren't mad about me floating around, were you? Just because you never fly through the halls doesn't mean I can't."
Celestia entered her study. Discord climbed out of the carpet and pulled a towel out of the air. He walked after her, drying himself off as he went. "Won't you talk to me? You were never this silent when I was stone."
Celestia sat down and motioned for Discord to sit. "There is something we need to discuss."
Discord rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. He reappeared in front of Celestia, lying across a couch. "It all started when I was a baby Spirit of Chaos-"
Celestia raised her hoof. "Discord. You've been sitting around this castle for far too long."
Discord sat up. "So your going to use me now? Just like you planned? What possible problem could there be that needs my magic over yours?"
Celestia smiled. "I don't need your magic. I need your heart."
Discord chuckled. "I'm flattered my dear, but you're not my type."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I need your newly discovered understanding. Do you remember Startail?"
Discord froze. His eyes began to burn with anger. He stood up. "Never mention that name!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared.
-------------------------------
Discord sat in the middle of a tornado. The entire contents of his room were swirling around him. He took a deep breath, his eyes closed, and smiled. This was his natural state. Neverending chaos. Constantly going in a circle. That and it kept anypony, especially Celestia, from getting near him.
Startail.
Discord's eyes opened. He hadn't heard that name in centuries. No! He couldn't think about that! He closed his eyes again, willing the tornado to spin faster.
Startail.
The tornado began to slow down. Discord tried to hold it together.
Startail.
Everything dropped to the floor. Discord shuddered. What was wrong with him?
Startail.
"Stop it! STOP IT!!" He covered his ears. "I refuse to remember!"
And yet he did....
Discord stood in the shadow of a building. He looked around the village. Everything was peaceful. How perfectly horrid. He snapped his fingers and watched as the fountain in the village square started squirting passing ponies. The ponies looked at the fountain in shock. Of course doing so caused them to be squirted as well. Discord chuckled to himself.
Another snap of his fingers and he transformed himself into a pony. He pulled a mirror out of thin air and looked at his reflection. He was brown with a gray mane. Not bad for a pony. He smiled to himself and threw the mirror over his shoulder. He walked out into the square and admired his handy work. Ponies were beginning to avoid the fountain. Well that was no fun!
Wait... A mare was coming out of a shop. New prey! Discord watched as she walked across the square. And...
"AAHHH!!!!"
Discord couldn't help himself. He began to laugh. He watched as the mare looked at herself, soaked. She looked up at the fountain, the innocent-looking statue staring back. And she began to laugh. That shut Discord up. What?! She...liked it?
Discord began to walk towards the mare just as she stepped away from the fountain. "You're the first one to smile about being wet. Everypony that got hit by that water was angry."
The mare looked at him and smiled. "Did you do that?"
Discord froze. "Well...maybe."
The mare narrowed her eyes. Discord sighed. "Yes. It was me. So what?"
"It was funny. What's your special talent? Pranks?"
Discord found himself smiling. "I guess it kind of is."
The mare held out a hoof. "I'm Startail."
Discord shook her hoof and tried to think of a pony name. "I'm...Discord." Idiot!
Startail smiled. "I guess that goes with pranks in a way. Kind of a dark name isn't it? Not that I'm saying that's bad!"
Discord shook his head. "It isn't. It's a very good name for somepony like me."
Discord was brought back to the room by a knock on the door. He sat still, trying to regain his composure. It was harder than he realized. Another knock at the door got him to speak. "Who is it?"
The door opened and Twilight stuck her head in. "I thought I'd find you here." She walked into the room.
Discord groaned. "And what does the newest princess want from me?"
Twilight sat down in front of him. "I came to talk. Celestia thought you'd be more comfortable with me."
Discord shook his head. "If Celestia's the one who sent you, then no."
Twilight smiled. "I wanted to come for myself. You're friends with Fluttershy. That means that, by extension, you're my friend too. And I want to help you in any way that I can." She placed a hoof on his knee. "Please."
Discord looked at the young alicorn for a moment. She smiled up at him. He sighed. "Okay."
-------------------------------
"Did Celestia say anything to you?"
Twilight shrugged. "Only that she wanted to talk to you about somepony named Startail."
Discord forced himself to take a deep breath before continuing. "I met her over a thousand years ago. I was causing some trouble in her village. She got caught in one of my more harmless jokes and actually liked it. That drew me to her. Nopony likes what I do." He noticed Twilight nodding at the last sentence. He narrowed his eyes. "You don't have to agree."
Twilight stopped nodding. "Sorry. Please, continue. What happened next?"
Discord looked down. "I fell in love with her."
"What?!"
He looked up at Twilight. "Believe me, I was just as shocked as you."
Twilight scooted closer. "What did you do?"
Discord didn't answer for a moment. Finally he continued. "I decided to win her affections. And I did it the old fashioned way. No magic. I wanted to know what the real thing was like. My original plan was to make her fall for me and then I would break her heart. What better form of chaos than a shattered love?"
Twilight stared at him in disgust. Discord shook his head. "You don't have to tell me what I was going to do was wrong. I know! And besides....it all changed when I actually fell for her myself."
Twilight slowly nodded. "Go on."
Discord shrugged. "That's it. We were together for a time. Eventually my nature took over and led me away from that village. I never returned."
Twilight closed her eyes. "So you did break her heart."
Discord stood at his full height. "I would never have done such a thing to her. You'd better understand this right now Princess. I loved her. And she loved me."
Twilight lowered her head. "I'm sorry. It's just....what happened when you left?"
Discord relaxed and sat down. "I told her who I really was. She had had her suspicions. And....she didn't care. I would have given it all up right then for her."
Twilight frowned. "But?"
Discord closed his eyes. "I had stayed so long in one place that Celestia had discovered my whereabouts. I had to run. Startail understood. So I left." He looked at Twilight. "And that's my unfortunate history."
Twilight smiled. "Thank you for sharing this with me."
"She visited you once."
Discord looked up.
Celestia was standing in the doorway. She smiled. "I saw her in front of your frozen form. I couldn't hear what she said, but she left a flower at your feet."
Discord nodded. "Yes. I remember. I may not have had eyes to see or a mouth to speak, but I could hear everything around me."
"Did she tell you?"
Discord looked at Celestia. "Tell me what?"
Celestia sighed and stood still for a moment. She looked into Discord's eyes. "She was pregnant."
Discord would have fallen over if he wasn't already sitting. "WHAT?!"
This sounds strikingly similar to a fic idea I thought of before. (But replace Derpy with Screwball.) Definitely reading this later.
This is actually enjoyable to read. Bravo!
It was good for starters but Discord did not run from Celestia or Luna during the time. He actually welcomed them and then got hit by the elements.
2160847 He ran in the early days
So, does this make Derpy really old? 'Cause Discord was running from Celestia and Luna a long time ago, at least a thousand years prior. And the story is about his daughter, and not his great-great-great-great-great granddaughter.
Is Derpy secretly a princess?
Now I have to keep an eye on this story.
-RisingOne
EDIT: Somehow, I missed seeing the second chapter that explains all of that. So, don't mind me, I'm just going to go back to my hole now.
Hmmm, I'm intrigued. Do go on
Best story EVER
It's refreshingly pleasant to read a fic where Discord is being his reformed self. I generally, with the exception of a couple specific fics (like BronyWriter's TD one), really don't like having Discord as an antagonist of a written story. Hopefully this one stays good and you don't abandon it or anything like that!
Congratulations discord!^.^
You've got an interesting premise here, but the writing is majorly flawed, and the editing, particularly in this second chapter, was practically non-existent. I've only read as far as the first two chapters, because that's as far as I could get. The mistakes are too distracting. Just let me list them:
First chapter:
>"If Celestia's the one who sent you, than no."
Then.
>Your friends with Fluttershy.
You're.
Second chapter:
>He was still dealing with everything that had happened so for today.
Far.
>"I can't do his."
This.
>Are we sure it's not her by chance?
I think there should be a comma between these two words.
>She here some streamers in the air.
Bwuh? I don't even know...
>It felt....odd.
Four dots in the ellipses instead of three here. (Also there should be a space between the end of the ellipses and the word "odd," which you also haven't put in during many other times you used ellipses over the two chapters).
>How much for an apple.
Missing question mark.
>"I guess you could say that too Applejack."
Missing comma.
>He stomped his hoof ain't the ground and two bits appeared in the air.
Again... what?
>how did you do that without using your horn?
I think this is technically a new sentence, and thus should be capitalised.
>Applejack's eyes bugged out."You!!"
Missing space here. Also using multiple exclamation marks looks incredibly messy and unprofessional.
>'WHAM!!!'
Why are there apostrophes here? Use speech marks if someone is actually saying it, and use either bold, italics or both if you want to emphasise it.
>Your silly!
Wrong "you're" again.
>DestroyIng property.
Why the capitalise the "I," bro?
And there's also just the way it's structured. Each line of dialogue should have its own new line, not be stuck inside another paragraph like the filler in a sandwich. Even those short one or two word phrases that you have before the dialogue like "Celestia nodded" for instance need their own line.
And speaking of those, it's very distracting when every new line that isn't dialogue begins with a character's name. The entire first scene of chapter one began with either "Celestia" or "Discord" and almost nothing else, and in this chapter it was sometimes "Twilight" as well. It's like a reverse Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, but it has all the same problems. Just don't use names all the times. Sometimes, a simple "he" or "she" is allowed.
And also don't feel like you need to put one of those in front of every dialogue line. If it's obvious who's speaking, like for instance if it's just two characters talking to each other, then you can just have the dialogue lines by themselves and present the conversation to stand on its own, without the constant commentary. Or if you do feel it's necessary to label who's speaking in a less clear instance, like if three characters are talking, then you can do something much more standard, like breaking the sentence in the middle. For instance:
"Hello," said Twilight Sparkle, "I thought I'd find you here."
Anyway, that's enough from me. This story has potential if re-worked, but for my liking I just couldn't get past most of the mistakes. I can overlook them if they're infrequent enough, but for a story as short as this, the volume of errors made it far too noticeable to me. But I at least hope by being as comprehensive as possible with my criticisms, that you'll be able to fix these mistakes and avoid making the same ones in future. I hope you find my advice helpful, and wish you good luck with your future writing.
"WHAT?!"
That was pretty much exactly how I reacted
...
Go on...
I can't help but wonder how was this featured. It must've been the sole idea, because it IS what brought me here.
But while the idea is quite splendid, the execution is fairly poor, barely average really. And the story is way too fast. It is just... going. Not flowing, just going. Not being descriptive, captivating or even not making it interesting. Like a lame textbook.
Now I am not trying to be rude here, although I undeniably seem so, but I can't help but think you just rushed and put this on as soon as you managed. I think the phrase "half-assed job" is a good description. You got a great idea, but you either lack the skills or motivation for better writing.
Huh......so the God of Chaos and Dishamrony had a child.....but the mother was mortal? I'm so confused Though I wish you would have been detailed with her apperance, I'm glad Twilight is with this to....no bad though with this chapter....not bad at all, even Gods need love, no? And I'm guessing Derpy is a demigod now?
Buck yeah! Pregnant with ! :D
so Derpys decended from Discord. makes sense. She is best pony and Discord is best villian.
so, hold on. Just gonna knit pick this for a second, in the story, it says that discord met this startail character over a thousand years ago, so by this justification you must be using the fanon that the ponies of equestria never die, or at least age unbelievably slowly. but I have one objection, how can this startail be preganant with discord's daughter for a thousand years?
2173511 I want a graphic description of the biological processes which occurred...
2177894 She must have gone through a mountain's worth of pickles and ice cream...
Chapter 1: The Madness Begins (meaning 'my' madness, not the story's)
>>>Celestia smiled. "I don't need your magic. I need your heart.">>>
Discord blinked, "Well, you're not my type, really."
Celestia's grin widened eerily, her pupils shrinking to maddened little points which twitched wildly as she answered in a dissonantly melodic voice, "Noooo no no! I mean, I need your HEART!!!" Saying that, she held up a butcher knife. "And maybe your wings too..."
Discord screamed like a little girl and left a trail and urine behind him as he fled.
Chapter one...WHAT?! Perfect chapter title
2167148
Indeed, this calls for a Pinkie-Style Parrtayyy!
I wonder if Doctor Whoof knows who Derpy's Dad is? Eep, Dinkie and Derpy's other daugther (alas, I forget her name) have got some very powerful genes in their bloodline.
* i read it again, just to be sure *
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/200/d/d/jack_sparrow_wut_by_zackfair1219-d4117e5.jpg
WHAAAAAAAAAA -BOOM-
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/063/e/e/technical_derpyculties_vector_by_inkwell_pony-d4rpq7d.png
You mean like this?:
1.bp.blogspot.com/-FqR_oaQgKxE/UPz96d81v-I/AAAAAAABPuU/rvpn8xuDz1g/s1600/1.JPG
2179078 lolol
>So your going to use me now?
*you're
Derpy drew me in........
Discord can love, that's good. To know.
His reaction when celestia said pregnant
HA glorious!!
This is a very interesting start of a story so it looks like Discord is getting very bored at the castle after being reform but then Celestia wanted to talk with him and apparently a pony name Startail which Discord really don't want to talk about it but apparently he had history with her a long time ago when Twilight ask him what was going on between those two he was just doing some pranks and everything even Startail actually like him for that and eventually he also started falling in love with her and they been going out with each other very long time until Celestia found out and Discord had to run and we all know what happened well until season 4 Premiere but whatever and even in his Frozen State he kind of hear what is going on even Startail visit him but then Celestia came in and told Discord that Startail was pregnant which that is a pretty unexpected turn of event