• Member Since 10th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Speedy Quill


It's a dangerous business, putting words to paper. You write a sentence and, if you don't keep your hoof, there's no telling where you might be swept off to...

E

Discord lounges around Canterlot Castle without a thing to do. A reformed life has taken every surprise out of life. Until Celestia drops the bomb on him: He has a daughter. And what's more is that Celestia wants him to reunite with her with Twilight's help.

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 531 )

This sounds strikingly similar to a fic idea I thought of before. (But replace Derpy with Screwball.) Definitely reading this later.

This is actually enjoyable to read. Bravo!:pinkiehappy:

It was good for starters but Discord did not run from Celestia or Luna during the time. He actually welcomed them and then got hit by the elements.

2160847 He ran in the early days :twilightsmile:

So, does this make Derpy really old? 'Cause Discord was running from Celestia and Luna a long time ago, at least a thousand years prior. And the story is about his daughter, and not his great-great-great-great-great granddaughter.

:pinkiegasp: Is Derpy secretly a princess?

Now I have to keep an eye on this story.
-RisingOne

EDIT: Somehow, I missed seeing the second chapter that explains all of that. :twilightblush: So, don't mind me, I'm just going to go back to my hole now.

2162261 As Celestia said, it was only a moment for Derpy. She jumped forward in time. Think of the black hole stuff in the Star Trek. Nero waits years, Spock waits seconds. Derpy is a...."normal" pony. She ages like everypony else.

Some more exploration into Discord's thoughts about the fact that he is so suddenly a father would help your story out, I'd say.

Still good, though. I'm curious as to whether or not you're going to use Dinky as well. I don't mind either way, it would just change the story is all.

Gray mane and yellow mane, just like Startail.

O_o Wut.

2162935 Curse my eyes for it seeing that! :facehoof: Thanks.

This is amazing. Best Derpy origin story I've come across! :pinkiehappy: :moustache:

may want to go back through though there is quite a few spelling errors that stand out

AWSOME!
I want MOAR!!!!!!
A few grammar mistake's here and there. Good story non the less.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5j04jGQo31r6p9d3o1_500.png

screwball is widely regarded to be discord's "daughter" as he is responsible for her existence. that aside, this is a pretty good fic, but it could be better.

2162976 *In horrible Russian accent* No problem.

Do ou ones fly think that I'm cut out to change diapers, make bottles, and babble like an idiot."

I'm just confused about this whole sentence. Mainly the first five words and the fact that it doesn't have a question mark.:twilightoops: Iunno.

Ad why shouldn't I?

Should be 'And'.

Twilight Princess?

I c wut u deed thar.

Wiling hit smiled and looked back at Discord. "See?"

:rainbowhuh:

He stomped his hoof ain't the ground and two bits appeared in the air.

Should be 'at'... I think...

She didn't eat ar before crashing through the roof of a nearby building.

I believe that should be 'get far'.

DestroyIng property. Perhaps we're related after all.

'I' shouldn't be capitalized.

2164696 I am going blind :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof: You're way too nice to keep pointing stuff out. Thanks.

To all readers,

There have been a few comments about spelling errors. Shut up!! :flutterrage:
Nah! I'm kidding. :derpytongue2: Thank you very much for pointing that out.
I'm dealing with my dumb brain scrambling words and Apple's autocorrect thinking it's so much smarter than I am :twilightoops:. I've tried to do my best, but I miss some.
I will be trying harder with each chapter and will triple check everything. :pinkiehappy:
Again, thank you for pointing this out and thank you for reading my fic!

2164733 Hey, just giving my help when I can. (Plus, I don't want to see this story being weighed down with spelling and grammar errors, as it's a very good story so far.)

you know i had a dream about reading this story once. i can wait to see if i meet that girl from my dream tomorrow at the Larp. wish me luck. Ps. i have a lot of these dream. they turn out alright sometime. hmmm. may make it into a story. :twilightsmile: ps. yours is the second story i've ever read. my friend was first.

Daaaaaw...poor Ditzy and Dissy...:fluttershysad:

NEW CHAPTUR! :derpytongue2: HURRAY!

Hmmm, I'm intrigued. Do go on

D'aaaaaw overload

Finally, a theory in Derpy/Ditzys love of muffins. :derpytongue2:
Enjoying what I have read so far. Hope for another update ASAP

Best story EVER :pinkiehappy:

Nice job. Both a great chapter and I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors.

This looks extremely interesting and looks like it has a lot of potential to be hilarious. Definitely adding to read-later list. :ajsmug:

Oni

2162261 well consider this: she was in the crowd for Twi appearance as royal student, and in the crowd of rarity's play, at the same age she is now.

and to that that she is the unofficial princess of muffins and all things pastry or delivering and yeah, she is.

It's refreshingly pleasant to read a fic where Discord is being his reformed self. I generally, with the exception of a couple specific fics (like BronyWriter's TD one), really don't like having Discord as an antagonist of a written story. Hopefully this one stays good and you don't abandon it or anything like that! :derpytongue2:

You know, even though I could rag on endlessly about the premise and how 'she jumped forward in time' is a really horrible handwave explanation and really doesn't help me suspend my disbelief, your really, REALLY huge problem is sentence structuring.

Look at your second chapter. Take a VERY good look at it and tell me what you see. Every single line there is constructed in the exact same manner: [character] does [facial expression/tone change] "[dialogue]"
and this sadly carries over into the rest of your chapters as well. Even if I somehow accept your premise, the fact that it's written like such makes it... I'm sorry to say this, but it just makes the story read in an exceedingly boring fashion. Try to add a little color into your writing because as it stands, it's really dry.

Discord was fidgeting in his chair.
you could easily spin this into, just off the top of my head:
He kept fidgeting in his sit, his discomfort obvious to them. Considering his nature and the events though, this wasn't surprising at all. His wings twitched and even his fang seemed more pronounced than before.

Obviously this is rushed and everything, but I think it drives the point across. You need to at least try and mix up your sentences a bit, because the way they are right now is the most basic setup ever and unless it's a book for little children, it gets really tiring to read after a while.

2166716 Dang.... Them's some harsh words my friend.... :fluttercry:

Don't worry. You didnt hurt my feelings. Thanks for the feedback! I realized this rather quickly myself. I'm hoping my next chapter will read a lot better.

2166726 Sorry, I really wish you no ill will. This is just something that, in my opinion, needed to be stated quickly and firmly, before you start heading into more and potentially larger chapters. Trust me though, there are a lot of people on the site who could and probably would tear into your much harsher than I do. Good luck in your writing!

This would make since a bit, but a bigger fan of Screwball being his daughter. But I'll read anyways.

Twilight Princess, nice one. :twilightsmile:

She didn't eat ar before crashing through the roof of a nearby building.

She didn't get far before crashing through the roof of a nearby building.

I believe that the second version is how t is supposed to go, but it's your story, so whatever.

this is my new headcanon

Man I really am enjoying this story. To be truthful I wasn't one hundred percent sure if this was worth a read. I thought maybe this would be too our of canon. Great explainations to cover that up, good job.

2166767 I am a mean critic. :derpytongue2:

If you need any help proofreading, or doing any of that, I'd be more than willing to help. I am just that kind and generous :pinkiecrazy:...

Congratulations discord!^.^ :pinkiehappy:

I can't handle all these feels. You're killing me, man.

YOU GOT FEATURED YOU LUCKY DUCK! :pinkiehappy:

*Sees title picture*

I knew it.

Wait... Derpy:derpyderp1: DERPY!:derpytongue2: YES! A NEW DERPY STORY! Thogh I do belive his daughter is screwball, this should be one great story.
dtlux1

Dayum, Derpy's screwed up.

Hmmm... Relevant silly song:

[youtube=JuMBj7YBYGI]

this is beyond interesting

please proceed.

Finally an original fucking idea.

You've got an interesting premise here, but the writing is majorly flawed, and the editing, particularly in this second chapter, was practically non-existent. I've only read as far as the first two chapters, because that's as far as I could get. The mistakes are too distracting. Just let me list them:

First chapter:

>"If Celestia's the one who sent you, than no."

Then.

>Your friends with Fluttershy.

You're.

Second chapter:

>He was still dealing with everything that had happened so for today.

Far.

>"I can't do his."

This.

>Are we sure it's not her by chance?

I think there should be a comma between these two words.

>She here some streamers in the air.

Bwuh? I don't even know...

>It felt....odd.

Four dots in the ellipses instead of three here. (Also there should be a space between the end of the ellipses and the word "odd," which you also haven't put in during many other times you used ellipses over the two chapters).

>How much for an apple.

Missing question mark.

>"I guess you could say that too Applejack."

Missing comma.

>He stomped his hoof ain't the ground and two bits appeared in the air.

Again... what?

>how did you do that without using your horn?

I think this is technically a new sentence, and thus should be capitalised.

>Applejack's eyes bugged out."You!!"

Missing space here. Also using multiple exclamation marks looks incredibly messy and unprofessional.

>'WHAM!!!'

Why are there apostrophes here? Use speech marks if someone is actually saying it, and use either bold, italics or both if you want to emphasise it.

>Your silly!

Wrong "you're" again.

>DestroyIng property.

Why the capitalise the "I," bro?

And there's also just the way it's structured. Each line of dialogue should have its own new line, not be stuck inside another paragraph like the filler in a sandwich. Even those short one or two word phrases that you have before the dialogue like "Celestia nodded" for instance need their own line.

And speaking of those, it's very distracting when every new line that isn't dialogue begins with a character's name. The entire first scene of chapter one began with either "Celestia" or "Discord" and almost nothing else, and in this chapter it was sometimes "Twilight" as well. It's like a reverse Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, but it has all the same problems. Just don't use names all the times. Sometimes, a simple "he" or "she" is allowed.

And also don't feel like you need to put one of those in front of every dialogue line. If it's obvious who's speaking, like for instance if it's just two characters talking to each other, then you can just have the dialogue lines by themselves and present the conversation to stand on its own, without the constant commentary. Or if you do feel it's necessary to label who's speaking in a less clear instance, like if three characters are talking, then you can do something much more standard, like breaking the sentence in the middle. For instance:

"Hello," said Twilight Sparkle, "I thought I'd find you here."

Anyway, that's enough from me. This story has potential if re-worked, but for my liking I just couldn't get past most of the mistakes. I can overlook them if they're infrequent enough, but for a story as short as this, the volume of errors made it far too noticeable to me. But I at least hope by being as comprehensive as possible with my criticisms, that you'll be able to fix these mistakes and avoid making the same ones in future. I hope you find my advice helpful, and wish you good luck with your future writing.

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