All that Glitters is Gold

by Bucephalus

Chapter 8: Sisters are blossoms in the garden of carnivorous plants.

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 8
Sisters are blossoms in the garden of carnivorous plants.

“So, there you have it,” Wordwise finished his explanation. “Will you help me?”

His answer was a still-lit cigarette that was driven between his eyes with all the force that a telekinesis of a golden-maned unicorn could muster.

“’There you have it,’ my ass! Don’t try to skip explaining just because the chapter started in medias res!” Fool’s Gold growled, glaring at his friend who was currently cooling down his burn-wound in the nearby aquarium. “Even if you said you’d pay us well, I wanna hear the details of this job you have. Whenever you’re involved in some case, it tends to end up with my life or my reputation on the line.”

“Ya have a point, Boss,” Short Fuse agreed. “I, for one, wanna keep my maidenly image intact, even if I hafta work for this snoop.”

“Maidenly image?” Ambra asked, lifting her beak from the bowl of meat in front of her. “Don’t worry. You never had one.”

“Shaddap! Ya wanna start somethin’, birdbrain!?” Fuse roared, shaking her hoof at the gryphon.

The location of such a colorful discussion was one of the many family restaurants that lined the outer perimeter of De Wallen Street. Being close to the Canterlot-proper, this part of the Shangri-La District tended to have a much cleaner imago than the rest of the place, and shady figures rarely ventured in there.

Then again, one would be hard-pressed to find figures shadier than those of the Gold Standard freelance-team.

“T-then, let me explain a bit, Goldie,” Wordwise said as he finally emerged from the aquarium, a single spot in his forehead till smoking. “I called you here because I have a most important job for you to do. And since you’re my wingman, you’re the only one I can trust with this.”

“Since when did I become your wingman? I’m not Iceman, I’m Goldman! Everypony can see that just by looking at my mane,” Fool’s Gold protested.

“You’re just an Oldman,” Ambra commented from the sidelines, earning a glare from her employer.

“Like the hell I’m Gary!” Gold retorted. “If anyone is Commissioner Gordon around here, that’s Wordwise! Side-characters should stay as side-characters, and not try to climb up here with protagonists!”

Wow, the desperation of a third-rate protagonist is not pretty to look at.

“To get back on the subject at hoof…” Wordwise cleared his throat and sat back to the table. “Like I said, there’s an important task I want you to help me with. Somepony has been kidnapped, and I need to rescue her. I’m willing to pay as much as I can if you agree to help me.”

“Kidnapped? Who?” Short Fuse asked. “Ya sound a bit serious.”

“That’s because this is serious,” Wordwise answered, and his eyes narrowed slightly. “You see, the one who has been kidnapped… is my younger sister.”

This caught the freelancers by surprise. A momentary, shocked silence descended upon the table, during which Fool’s Gold fished a cigarette from the pocket of his haori and lit it up, enjoying his first drag from it despite the complaints from a nearby waitress. Finally, the stallion turned his gaze back at his friend, and Wordwise could see that the weight of the subject had made even Gold stop goofing around.

“So? Who kidnapped her? And why?” Gold asked, arching an eyebrow. “This sorta thing doesn’t usually happen without a reason.”

“I’m not completely sure… but I think it’s the work of the mafia. They’ve been suspiciously active lately, and since I’m known around the District as the pony with too much sensitive information, it’d be no surprise for them to try to get a bargaining chip against me.”

“They want to put their money where your mouth is,” Ambra said. “Without any money.”

“Well, that’s not a bad analogy,” Wordwise admitted. “But in the end, the reason doesn’t matter. They’ve got my little sister… the only pony I’d ever protect even if I had to give my life for her.”

“Mafia, huh?” Gold grumbled, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “We’ve been stepping on their hooves a lot, lately. If we do this, it might just be what breaks the camel’s back.”

“Those bastards…! Mutilating innocent camels because ponies dare to oppose them!” Wordwise cursed.

“Um, that ain’t what Boss meant, ya know…?” Short Fuse tried to interject, but her words fell to deaf ears.

“But I can see that you’d try to save your sister, with or without our help,” Gold finally said. “And you did say that you’d pay us. So here we are, between the rock and the hard place.”

“I’m begging you, Goldie! You have to help my sister!” Wordwise pleaded. “She’s still so young, so innocent! The thought of her being a prisoner for those brutes is neigh unbearable!”

“Okay, okay, I got it! We’ll help you,” Gold finally relented, earning a proud smile from Short Fuse “But, Wordwise, you’ll have to promise one thing in return.”

“Anything!” The blue-maned stallion answered, his eyes gleaming with gratitude.

“Stop making horrible puns,” Fool’s Gold flatly stated. “We get them enough from the Narrator. We don’t need another idiot to join the fray.”

Hey! You guys are the ones who make most of those puns! Don’t try to push the blame on the innocent!

“Thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me to know I have the help of my friends,” Wordwise said. “From what I’ve been able to gather, the creatures that kidnapped my sister are holed up in the Lopenton Hotel. It is heavily guarded, so our only chance will be to sneak in during the night.”

“So this is a sneaking mission, huh…?” Fool’s Gold said and tapped his chin with his hoof.

“D’ya think it’ll be a problem, Boss?” Short Fuse asked, looking a bit worried.

To the surprise of everypony around the table, a confident grin spread on the face of Fool’s Gold. With a single inhale, he sucked the cigarette on his lips till the filter, dropping a magnificent line of ash on the table. Then, with a swift move, he fished out something far bigger from the pocket of his haori and lit it up. The group stared in confusion at the cigar that was now adorning the lips of the golden-maned stallion.

“B-Boss? Ya alright?” Fuse asked, unsure as to what make of this sudden turn to the weird.

“Boss? Who’s that?” Gold asked with a chuckle, and wrapped something around his head.

When he turned to look back at the group, they saw that now his right eye was covered by an eye-patch.

“Call me… Big Boss!” Fool’s Gold declared.

****

The Lopenton Hotel stood at the far-end of the De Wallen Street, rising from the corner like a big red brick. Even the more foolish of the peddlers, thieves and beggars had realized quickly that it was best not to operate near a building where the local mafia held the fort, and thus, it was one of the nicer-looking areas of Shangri-La District.

… This is why the two cardboard boxes shuffling around on the other side of the road drew attention like a tank with legs.

“This is Gold. Wordwise, can you hear me?” the first box loudly muttered.

“Loud and clear. What’s the situation?” the second box answered.

“Looks like the service door on the side is our only way in… or, at least that’s the only one I can see from this small hole,” the first box told its partner.

“Then take ‘em off, ya knuckleheads!” Short Fuse roared and kicked the first box into the second one, sending their inhabitants flying out.

Fool’s Gold and Wordwise barreled out of their brown hideouts, hitting the curb of the street. Short Fuse, who had started her irritated charge from the nearby bushed, was soon followed by Ambra and Hideyoshi, both decked out in camouflage gear that provided no help at all in the urban environment. Especially Hideyoshi’s fly-and-turd camo would have better served at the floor of whatever wardrobe it found it from.

“Why d’ya hafta start screwin’ ‘round the moment we get ta the hotel?” Short Fuse asked in exasperation. “What’re ya, foals?”

This narrator believes it has been well established already that the mind of those two work on the level of a twelve year old.

“Shaddup. We don’t need ya ta make things worse,” Fuse retorted grumpily, before turning back to the two stallions. “Where’d ya get those boxes, anyhow?”

While the two recovering stallions tried to formulate an answer, something strange was already happening with the battered boxes. The one that had been manned by Wordwise suddenly sprung to life, and began flailing around in a panicked manner.

“Gold, what happened? Gold? Gooooooold!?” the box suddenly screamed.

“Why is the box still talkin’!?” Fuse screamed in horror, jumping away from the moving thing. “We ain’t in Game Over yet, so why did it hafta scream!?”

“Oh, that’d be because the owner is still in them,” Gold answered matter-of-factly and walked over to the moving box. “See? This is the guy we borrowed the boxes from.”

Fool’s Gold then proceeded to fish a dirty, rag-clad stallion with a bushy beard out from the box.

“So they were somepony’s home!? Ya stole a home from the homeless!?” Short Fuse shouted in shock, before smacking the gold-maned stallion on the head. “Put ‘em back! Immediately! Ya don’t know where they’ve been!”

“I see. Then, apologies, Colonel,” Wordwise said and bowed his head towards the dirty stallion in the box. “It seems that we called you out here for nothing. I’ll inform you if we are in need of your strength once again.”

“That reminds me, I saw Gubayama the other day in Shibomnigee,” the hobo mumbled as an answer. “He said to give you his best.”

Thus, under the confused gaze of Short Fuse and the hearty waves from Gold and Wordwise, Colonel packed away his cardboard boxes and shuffled into the night, leaving the group alone to the street. The silence that reigned during his exist was an awkward one, and the moment he had disappeared from sight, Short Fuse let out an exasperated sigh and smacked her forehead with her hoof.

“Wait… d’ya mean he really was the Colonel?” she mumbled to herself. “This ain’t makin’ a lick of sense…”

“Fuse. Focus,” Ambra said and walked up to the mare, patting her on the shoulder. “Get head in the game.”

“T-that’s right, I hafta keep my cool,” Short Fuse answered and nodded. “Okay, first things first: we hafta get inside that building. Like Boss said, the service door looks like our best chance.”

“Leave it to us,” Ambra proudly stated and pointed at Hideyoshi. “He knows all. Stealth is his expertize. After all, he is… Hideo-yoshi.”

“No, he ain’t! That turd-flingin’ monkey ain’t a game-creator! An’ could ya guys stop with those jokes!? We gotta make some progress!” Short Fuse shouted.

“Now, now, calm down, delinquent mare,” Fool’s Gold said. “You can’t let them throw you off your game. A retort is always appreciated, but you’re yelling so loudly that we’re bound to get caught.”

“Who d’ya think is at fault!?” Short Fuse roared, clearly wanting to strangle the stallion before her. “B-but… I gotcha. I’ll try ta calm down. We gotta take this seriously, since Wordwise’s sister’s in trouble. So, ya got a plan, Boss?”

Gold took a drag out of the cigar he was smoking and adjusted his eye patch, before turning to look at the large hotel on the other side of the street. As he scanned the perimeter, he saw multiple guards stationed at regular intervals along the main entrance, but just like he had previously seen, the service door seemed completely forgotten. As he puffed out a cloud of smoke, the stallion used his cigar to point at the said door.

“I can see only one guard that has a line of sight to the service door. If we can take him out from afar, we should be able to get inside undetected…” Fool’s Gold said. “After that, it’s just the matter of finding your sister, Wordwise.”

“They must be holding her in the large guest room at the top floor. I’ve heard that the mafia always brings their ‘visitors’ over there,” Wordwise stated and frowned at the building. “Just you wait, sis… I’ll be there in a minute.”

Considering how much time you’ve wasted already, I’d be surprised if you had made it inside by the next chapter.

“Don’t worry, Wordwise,” Fuse consoled the stallion, before glaring at the guard that was blocking the way to the service door. “But… how do we get rid ‘a him?”

“That’s easy,” Ambra stated with a monotone voice. “Hideyoshi. Shoot.”

So, before anyone could stop him, the camouflage-clad monkey had thrown a neatly-shaped turd straight to the guard, hitting him straight to the head and making him crash to the nearby wall from the force of the impact. It also rendered the said pony unconscious, either from the stench or the hit.

“Oi! Stop using your manure as projectile weapon, you damn chimpanzee!” Gold complained and swatted the monkey. “If we continue with such a vulgar humor, it’s going to be an ape escape for you!”

“Stop it, Goldie. The method might have been a underhanded one, but the results speak for themselves,” Wordwise interjected.

“More than underhanded, they’re under the belt,” Gold objected. “But… yeah. Let’s not waste this chance. Everypony, let’s go! Commencing Virtuous Mission!”

“Ain’t anything virtuous about this!” Fuse retorted.

Thus started the daring sneaking operation where Gold Standard (plus Wordwise) infiltrated the Lopenton Hotel. Bravely charging through the service door, the group quickly switched to more subtle approach as they arrived in the winding corridors inside the building. The old walls and carpeted floor created a confusing maze that took the group through a kitchen, past the dining hall, around the lobby and back to the corridors that would lead them to the grand staircase. On their way they came across multiple groups of wisecolts, all dressed up in pinstripe suits and carrying various weapons like baseball bats and switchblades.

Those groups that our heroes weren’t able to sneak around were quickly rendered unconscious by high-speed projectile excrement, courtesy of a certain monkey.

Eventually, the group made their way to the elevators near the grand staircase that ascended higher up into the Lopenton Hotel. Hurry hastened their actions, and Fool’s Gold impatiently kept pressing the button to call the elevator down. Short Fuse sighed at the sight.

“Ya know, Boss, it ain’t gonna come down faster, no matter how much ya press that button,” she said.

“Typical of the younger generation,” Gold said and snorted. “You never believed that pressing A+B+Down did anything, either.”

“That came outta nowhere!” Fuse retorted. “An’ don’t get bitter ta me ‘bout somethin’ as trivial as that!”

When the elevator finally arrived, the group quickly squeezed themselves into the small space. With the five of them, they nearly didn’t all fit, and thus, had to endure an uncomfortable ride upwards without any personal space. Even the annoyingly cheery lounge music that played in the background seemed to make fun of the lack of tension even though they were sneaking into the headquarters of a criminal organization.

“But… this is a good thing,” Wordwise suddenly spoke up. “Since there’s no space left, we can use that as an excuse to not let anyone else into the elevator. This’ll make it easy to slip into the top floor.”

“Huh, you’re right. I guess—“ Fool’s Gold got interrupted as the chime of the elevator suddenly rang, informing they had stopped at the current floor. “Well, looks like we’ll have to put that excuse to the test immediately.”

As the doors swung open, Fool’s Gold took on a business smile and pushed his head into the entrance, giving an apologetic nod to the pony waiting to enter.

“Sorry, but the elevator is currently completely full,” he said. “If you could wait for the next one, I’m sure—“

Before he got any further, the pony that had been waiting suddenly caught him by the head. It was a small mare in a pinstripe suit, and a completely desperate expression on her face.

“P-p-please, you have to let me on! All the toilets in this floor are out of order, and I can’t hold it in much longer!” the mare cried out.

An awkward silence fell over the group.

“Please! I’m going to explode soon!” the mare continued pleading.

… Thus, the journey upwards continued in even more cramped spaces.

“You know, the next time we’ll stop, we’re just going to close the doors before their damn muzzle,” Fool’s Gold grumbled as the mare made an apologetic gesture to him. “Just so everypony knows.”

It took only few seconds after the golden-maned stallion’s proclamation for the chime of the elevator to ring again. The metal box grinded to a halt, and slowly the wooden doors slid open. While Gold still tried to put on some resemblance of a cordial smile, it was now tinged with frustration, and came more across as a very bad imitation Lee Van Cleef.

“Sorry, no more room in here!” Gold growled. “Find yourself another elevato—“

“Please, you have to let me in!” cried the stallion standing behind the doors. “Boss was supposed to have these documents fifteen minutes ago! He’ll murder me if I don’t be there immediately!”

“Like I said, we’re full!” Gold tried to argue. “Sorry about your problem and all that, but—“

“Please! If I die because of my mistake, who will take care of my hospitalized sister!?” the stallion yelled in tears.

The judging stares from all around Fool’s Gold were like an anvil pushing down on his shoulders. Sweating profusely, he let out an elongated groan before finally stepping aside. Showering the freelancer with words of gratitude, the grey stallion stepped in, pushing into the group so that the doors managed to close once more. Thus did the journey continue ever upwards.

You know, this narrator has never seen protagonists so bad at infiltration.

“Shaddap…” Short Fuse grumbled with her mouth full of Ambra’s feathers. “Ya don’t hafta give any unwanted comments.”

The floors kept whistling past as the elevator climbed upwards, the cheerful lounge music still ridiculing the group that had been packed tighter than convention goers rushing through the entrance doors. Wordwise was trying to calm down the panicking worker, while Short Fuse had her hooves full with Ambra and the mare with the weak bladder. In the middle of it all was Fool’s Gold, desperately trying to stay away from Hideyoshi, mostly because of the monkey’s smell.

Suddenly, a chime rang through the elevator, once again informing them that they had come to a stop. Hearing the dreaded sound, Fool’s Gold’s nostrils flared up and his eyes turned bloodshot. Without even waiting for the doors to open properly, he jammed his hooves into the gap and slammed it wide open. Then, with a face of a truly tortured individual, he roared at the pony waiting behind the doors.

“This! One! Is! Full!” the stallion shouted. “By Celestia’s Ass, if you so much as say you’ve got some excuse to get in on this one, I’ll ram this monkey so deep up your derriere that he’ll come out of your mouth!”

The effeminate stallion in a light-colored pinstripe-suit visibly trembled at the sight of the furious freelancer. With shaking hooves, he raised something that looked like a hastily written, crumbled letter.

“B-b-but… this… I found this note that only said ‘goodbye’… left by my… fiancée…” he whimpered. “And I saw her… heading to the rooftop…”

The elevator fell silent as a grave.

“Ram it! Punch that button as fast as you can! We’ll get this bastard to his sweetheart in time if it’s the last thing we’ll do!” Fool’s Gold roared.

Short Fuse, hot-blooded flames burning in her eyes, kept hammering the button of the top floor with incredible speed. Whether it did something or not, nopony knew, but at least they felt as if the elevator had picked up incredible speed as it shot towards the top floor. Yelling like idiots, the freelance team tried their best to hurry the machine up while the wisecolts cheered on them.

The result was as expected: When the elevator finally arrived to the top floor and the doors slid open, the whole group cascaded out of the small compartment like a tidal wave.

“… What are you idiots doing?”

This question came from One Ear, the cigar-smoking stallion who had been patrolling the corridors of the top floor, and had witnessed the whole disastrous entrance.

As the groaning pile of ponies finally got their bearings and started rising from the floor, Fool’s Gold was the first one to notice the wisecolt standing in front of them; as his golden eyes met with the gun metal grey ones of One Ear, realization sparked within them. Even the ecru-colored wisecolt took a step back when he understood just who had appeared before him.

“Y-you…!” One Ear growled. “You’re that freelancer…”

Fool’s Gold, on the other hand, was now showing a completely blank expression.

“… Oh. If it isn’t Tough Toffee,” he greeted One Ear. “How’s your mother doing? Give her my thanks for the cookies she sent the other day.”

“Oh give it a rest already!” One Ear roared so loudly his hat almost fell off. “You know what my real name is!”

“Yeah,” Ambra chimed in. “It’s Joey.”

“That’s right, I’m Joe- Wait a dang minute! It’s One Ear! One! Ear! How many times do I have to tell it you!?” The wisecolt looked like he was about to lose it. “You’re doing this on purpose, right!? You must be doing this on purpose!”

“A friend of yours, Goldie?” Wordwise asked as he dusts himself off. “He seems a bit unhinged, don’t you think?”

“That’s Joey, from twelfth grade; remember? He dyed his mane screaming pink that one summer vacation and got called to the faculty office afterwards,” Fool’s Gold answered. “He’s still such a jokester, this guy.”

“Ah, I see. So it’s that Joey. Yeah, I remember him,” Wordwise said and nodded. He then waved a little to the wisecolt. “Hiya, Joey, how’s your mom doing?”

One Ear, meanwhile, was looking like he could explode at any second.

“I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna kill every last one of you!” The wisecolt growled, before turning to the three passengers that the freelancers had picked up on their way to the top floor. “And you three! Where the hell have you been!?”

The grey stallion, one who had come into the elevator second, snickered and winked at One Ear. He then proceeded to pat his pinstripe suit, getting the dust off it.

“Oh, you know, Joey. We just noticed some rats had sneaked into the building and decided to lay a trap to them. Sorry it got in the way of the meeting,” he said. “I figured we had the right to have some fun.”

Hearing these words, the group immediately took distance to the trio. Short Fuse drew her dull sword, Ambra cracked her knuckles, and even Hideyoshi adopted some sort of fighting stance as the three faced off the wisecolts. This left Fool’s Gold and Wordwise into a stare down with Joey. The group was now sandwiched between two fronts, and judging from the electrified atmosphere of the corridor, a fight could break out at any minute.

“Indeed,” the effeminate stallion said and giggled. “I could not resist playing a little prank on gullible fools such as these.”

“Uhm, err, well… I just really, really needed to pee, and the toilets were out of order everywhere…” the mare squeaked, trying not to look One Ear in the eyes.

“Mares with weak bladders aside… ya lot were all frauds? Figures. It ain’t ever gonna be easy, is it?” Short Fuse growled, glaring at the wisecolts. “I hafta admit, I was beginnin’ ta think the mafia ‘a Shangri-La were just a bunch ‘a fools.”

Understanding that the thorn in their collective side had now been captured quite efficiently, One Ear smirked maliciously.

“Good thinking, guys. That’s why you’re the capodecina of this family. Expect a big bonus on this month’s pay,” One Ear said and chuckled. “Now then… Adore. Little Pistachio. Trigger Strike. Get rid of these idioti.”

“I’d say you’re kinda full of yourself, youngster…” the grey stallion, Trigger Strike, said. “… But considering the situation, I’ll let it slide.”

“Indeedy,” Adore, the effeminate one, chimed in. “Let’s just get this out of the way, and we can go back to bickering amongst ourselves.”

Fool’s Gold quietly took his jutte and grabbed it with his teeth. He placed himself between Wordwise and One Ear, as the former had no weapon to speak of. Meanwhile, the ecru-colored wisecolt had already drawn his baseball bat. The rest of the enemies were busy arming themselves, too: Adore with a switchblade, Trigger Strike with a pair of hoofdusters and Little Pistachio levitating a long chain with her magic.

“Be careful, guys. I’ve heard of those three,” Wordwise whispered. “Little Pistachio… she’s supposedly the hoof-picked made mare of capofamiglia, said to be a legendary gambler. And those two, Trigger Strike and Adore… they say that the former was exposed to a magically charged rock and gained a skin as hard as granite from it. Meanwhile, the latter exposed himself to a magically charged rock, and gained a restraining order from it.”

“What, so that fruity guy is just a deviant?” Fool’s Gold asked, frowning at his friend.

“Don’t underestimate them, Goldie. They’re all notorious in their efforts to undermine the authority of the princesses, as well as their connections. I hear that both Trigger Strike and Adore were both former members of Equestrian military, but got disillusioned about the way of things. The former eventually bared his fangs to the government, forsaking this country. The latter eventually bared himself to the public, forsaking his shame.”

“Like I said, what sort of degenerate is that fruity guy!?” Gold asked, looking frustrated. “The more I hear about it, the more scared I am!”

“And you should be,” Wordwise answered. “They’re famous amongst the underworld of Canterlot. Trigger Strike is known as the Canterlot Slasher… while Adore is known as the Canterlot Flasher!”

“By Celestia’s ass, he’s just a pervert!” Gold roared. “Stop trying to make him sound cool!”

I say. Not to mention it’s already this narrator’s job, only the subject is that golden-maned protagonist.

“Oi!” Gold protested.

“Enough with the yapping… let’s go!” One Ear grunted. “Prepare yourself, fool!”

The rush of wind was the only warning that Fool’s Gold got. As his head snapped towards the source of the gust, he saw the rapidly approaching baseball bat aiming for his head. With a nimble movement he struck his jutte to meet the weapon. However, the force behind One Ear’s strike was simply too much, and the unprepared freelancer was sent barreling through the nearby door into one of the rooms. Grinning madly, the wisecolt chased after him.

Letting out a magnificent roar, Trigger Strike charged forward, aiming straight Hideyoshi. The monkey let out a surprised yelp and jumped straight up, narrowly avoiding the attack. He then landed straight on the pony’s back, only facing the wrong with. The two of them shot straight down the corridor, with the stallion trying to shake the ape off him.

“Hmph… though it really isn’t my style… I suppose I’ll deal with you, fledgling,” Adore said and smiled bitterly.

Bringing his switchblade in an arc, Adore aimed to finish the fight with a single strike. However, Ambra proved to be a surprisingly nimble opponent, and the gryphon dodged the attack, as well as the numerous other ones that followed it. Moving backwards, Ambra forced the flamboyant stallion to chase after her.

This left Short Fuse and Little Pistachio facing each other before the elevator.

“Umm… I’m sorta glad,” Pistachio suddenly said. “About you being my opponent, that is. Out of all of you, you seem the most… normal. You don’t even have any weird sneaking gear.”

“Ya got that right. I ain’t crazy over those games,” Short Fuse answered and snorted. “It’s ‘cuz I know who the real masters ‘a stealth are.”

“Oh?” the maize-colored mare asked. “Who, then?”

“Ain’t it obvious?” Fuse answered. “Cat’s Eye, of course! Ain’t better trio ‘a cat burglars out there!”

“Ooh! I know, right! They’re my favorite, too!” Little Pistachio got suddenly excited. “I actually memorized the whole dance choreography from the end credits of the first season!”

A dangerous glint appeared in the eyes of Short Fuse, as she stared at the smaller mare like a predator ready to pounce.

“Really? I find dat hard ta believe, ya know,” Fuse said.

“D-did too!” Pistachio answered, now pouting. “I’m the biggest Cat’s Eye fan there is!”

“Nah, that’d be me, ‘n even I can’t do it,” Short Fuse said with a mocking grin, causing the smaller mare to stomp her feet.

“You doubt me?” Pistachio asked. “H-here, let me show you!”

Balancing herself precariously on her hind legs, the maize-colored mare started swaying a bit from side to side, as if moving to an unknown music. She stretched her head, first down, then up, before repeating the process. With a widening victorious smile on her face, Little Pistachio hummed in rhythm to her movements.

“Stretch your hooves! One, two!” the mare sang as she threw her front legs to the side, then to the opposite and back again.

Pistachio then took a wider stance with her hind legs, and stuck her rump to the right.

“Move your hips! Right, le—”

The corridor rang with the sound of an attack meeting the target. What should have been a testimony to the mare’s dexterity was unceremoniously ended when Short Fuse, without a hint of warning, delivered a devastating kick straight to her nether region.

“First rule ‘a cat burglars, kiddo,” Short Fuse said while glaring at the mare writhing on the floor. “Don’t trust any pony. Especially when you’re defenseless, and the enemy knows you have a weak bladder.”

The blue mare turned to leave, only to give one last look at the wisemare, who was down for the count.

“An’ if ya were serious ‘bout needin’ ta go ta the bathroom just now…” Fuse grimaced. “I’d go see a doctor when ya wake up.”

Merciless as ever, Ogre Filly.

“Shaddap,” Fuse grunted.

Meanwhile, the battle between the two teams of wisecolts and freelancers continued. Ambra evaded all of Adore’s attacks with ease, moving very quickly for someone who looked so lethargic. Meanwhile, Hideyoshi was clinging to the back of Trigger Strike, refusing to let go despite the stallion’s best attempts. It was like a rodeo for the ape, who seemed to be having quite a lot of fun.

“Hideyoshi. Enough playing,” Ambra suddenly stated. “Finish him off.”

“Hah! And with what!?” Strike laughed. “This monkey’s barely hanging on to me! How could he do anything that’d even get past my defenses?”

A small smirk appeared on the gryphon’s face.

“Easy. Encouraged suicide,” she informed the pony; and while the wisecolt was still trying to decipher the meaning of those foreboding words, Ambra issued another order. “Hideyoshi. Catch.”

Swiping a pill from her pocket, the gryphon performed a backwards flip and threw it to the monkey. Hideyoshi let out a yelp and reached for the pill with his tail, catching it with ease and popping it quickly in his mouth. The monkey then turned to look at the pony he was clinging to, grinning like a madman.

“No matter what sort of steroids you feed him, it won’t help you!” Strike proclaimed.

Dodging yet another attack from the now-frustrated Adore, Ambra’s smirk grew.

“Not protein,” the gryphon flatly said. “Laxative.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, letting out a blood-curdling scream, Trigger Strike crashed through the nearest window in a last-ditch, desperate effort to shake off the monkey before it was too late. The scream grew more and more distant, before disappearing completely.

“Victory,” Ambra proclaimed with zero interest in her voice.

What is it with that monkey and feces!? This narrator knows toilet humor exists, but this is getting ridiculous!

“What is ridiculous is that you are still dodging my attacks,” Adore grumbled as once again one of strikes was cleanly dodged. “Like I said before, it isn’t to my liking to fight women or children… but I suppose I’ll have to get serious now that you’ve gotten rid of Trigger Strike. I advise you to do the same.”

There was a sudden gust of wind as Adore charged forward, slipping easily through Ambra’s defenses. The surprised gryphon was left with no time to dodge as the mouth holding the switchblade easily drove the weapon into her shoulder, drawing small amount of blood. Moving even faster, Adore then yanked the blade out, spun to the opposing side and slashed the knife down in an arc, preparing to cut Ambra.

“You… want me… serious?”

A loud clang resonated in the corridor. The blade that had been aiming for more of Ambra’s blood was suddenly brought to a definite halt as a talon firmly wrapped around Adore’s throat, stopping his movement. The surprised stallion’s eyes snapped to the gryphon before her, confusion brewing in them.

“Sure. I’ll be serious,” Ambra calmly stated.

A distant rumble echoed from somewhere. Before the shocked gaze of Adore, the small gryphon before seemed to grow to colossal heights even though in truth her stature stayed the same. It was the mere change in her presence that made her seem bulkier, more muscular and one with a jaw that would have made any man jealous. The wings on her back seemed like a cape of an emperor, and the eyes staring down at Adore were announcing he was already dead.

“S-S-S-S-S-Supreme Ruler of the Century’s End!?” Adore squeaked, covering before the aura emanating from Ambra.

“You’re in shock,” Ambra announced, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

No, I think the one in greatest shock is this narrator!

With a furious force, the free talon of the gryphon was clenched into a fist and brought down on Adore like it had been a hammer. The purple stallion only managed to squeak before the colossal power behind that single punch sent him straight through the floor. It was only three floors later that Adore came to a stop, laying in a crater caused by the impact. It was clear that he was not going to get up anytime soon.

This narrator can safely say that not a single shred of love will be coming back to this gryphon. There is limit to being overly powerful!

Meanwhile, in the room that Fool’s Gold had crashed into, another fight was heating up. The strikes from One Ear’s baseball bat rained upon the freelancer like meteorites, and he had his hooves full trying to fend them off with his jutte. With each strike, the wisecolt seemed to be growing more and more confident, and soon he was sadistically grinning from ear to a missing ear.

“What’s wrong, freelancer? Not feeling so hot right now, when you have to fight for real?” One Ear cackled. “You’re sweating!”

“I’m just all out of deodorant! Don’t bring up such embarrassing facts!” Fool’s Gold answered as he dove under one particularly large swing. “Besides, I’m just an unemployed host trying to make a living! Why do you have to go and make it personal, Joey?”

“Exactly because of that!” One Ear roared and swung his bat down, trying to squash Gold’s head. “We have enough problems as an organization without idiots like you running around!”

“Don’t bring me into your family troubles!” Gold complained as he struck aside the wisecolt’s attack. “I’m against domestic violence, you know?”

“Well too bad, because that’s what you’ll be getting!” One Ear said and drew his baseball bat back. “After I’ll deal with you, I’ll get rid of your whole ‘family’! Down to that excrement-flinging monkey!”

Seeing the chance to take some distance, Fool’s Gold jumped backwards, tensing up his body. When he hit the ground, he raised his jutte, preparing to defend himself against another barrage of attacks. However, what he met was only the sneering gaze of One Ear.

“As if I let you,” Gold said. “If you have this much trouble with me, you couldn’t even scratch those idiots.”

The wisecolt chuckled malicious.

“You thought this was the extent of my strength? Don’t screw with me, idiot,” One Ear said. “I’ve just been playing around with you, judging your abilities. With such poor form, weak power and sloppy instincts, you’ll be no match for me when I get serious. Sorry about this, but freelancer… your strength won’t just be enough to protect your comrades. It’s the law of Shangri-La, where strong devour the weak. You’ll be trampled by me, just like anypony who’s ever opposed me.”

Letting out a barking laugh, the wisecolt charged forward like a bolt of lightning. He was unbelievably fast, crossing the small distance between the two in mere seconds. The dark wood bat was swung in a large, horizontal arc, meant the fling Gold’s body into the wall. It was a strike that would have, if not fatal, at least broken multiple ribs.

“Lament your own weakness, freelancer!” One Ear roared. “Fall, knowing you won’t be able to protect a thing!”

There was a loud sound as metal struck wood. The sheer pressure wave caused by the impact threw around the furniture of the small room. This was followed by another crash as something hit the wall to the left of the two ponies. It created a crater in the wall, cracking its surface heavily. Dust and rubble rose as a cloud into the air, engulfing the room; and when it finally dissipated, revealing the result of the furious attack…

“What… the hell…?” One Ear muttered, unable to believe his eyes.

The baseball bat had been nailed to the wall on the left, skewered thoroughly by the jutte. It had been struck to the side with such a force that it had been driven through it cleanly, almost like a sword. Not only that, but the jutte had embedded itself to the wall firmly.

Before One Ear stood the warrior who had swatted the attack aside so calmly. Having risen to his hind legs, Fool’s Gold towered above the wisecolt momentarily. His golden eyes were narrowed, and in them, One Ear saw a look he had never seen before. If he had to have chosen one word to describe it, it would have been, without a doubt: terrifying.

“I’ve lamented my weakness my whole life,” Fool’s Gold coldly stated. “You don’t have to tell me that.”

Then, swinging down like a pendulum, the freelancer brought down his head straight to that of the wisecolt with force of an avalance. Two foreheads collided with a sickening sound, ending the battle with a single, colossal impact.

“W-who… just who… are… you…?” One Ear gargled as he fell to the floor, succumbing to the concussion.

“Like I told you,” Fool’s Gold murmured, picking a cigarette from his pack and lighting it up. “An unemployed host. That’s all.”

In the silence that followed, Fool’s Gold took a drag out of cigarette and blew out a cloud of smoke. He then calmly walked over to the wall where his jutte was embedded, and pulled it out using his magic. After stashing it in its holster, he turned to leave the room… though not before giving one last look to the wisecolt sprawled on the ground.

Old habits die hard, eh, protagonist?

“Shut it, Narrator,” Fool’s Gold mumbled. “Sakuhikonze… that’s what she called it anyways. Leave it be.”

… Fine. Be like that, then.

When Fool’s Gold finally entered the corridor again, he wasn’t surprised to see that all the other battles had already ended. Two of the three wisecolts were nowhere to be seen, and the third was lying on the floor, clutching her nether regions. In the middle of it all was Wordwise, looking a little green on his face.

“Hey, big bro,” Gold called out to him. “It’s our chance. Let’s get to that guest room before more wisecolts are drawn in by the noise.”

“R-right,” Wordwise said and nodded. “But I must say… remind me to never get on the bad side of you guys.”

The four ponies quickly ran down the corridor, keeping their eyes peeled at the door that would lead to their destination. It was deemed best not to worry about Hideyoshi, who hadn’t been seen since he had ridden Trigger Strike out of the window. After all, he was a monkey, and for some reason, those creatures would always come back.

“Boss! Ain’t that it?” Short Fuse asked suddenly, nodding towards a door at the far end of the corridor.

“Figures they’d have their guest room be the hardest place to get to,” Gold said and grinned. “Alright, everypony! We’ll charge through, take out any guards, and then bust Wordwise’s sister outta there!”

The group responded with a resonating “Yeah!”

Charging through the heavy wooden door, the trio of freelancers immediately prepared for battle. Gold drew his jutte with his magic, Short Fuse swung her sword to the front, and Ambra cracked her knuckles, ready to throw a punch. Even Wordwise, though warrior he wasn’t, snarled and spread his wings to their limits to make himself look imposing.

However, what awaited the group behind the door was not a bunch of guards. It wasn’t even a disguised prison cell. It was…

“Huh? W-what is it? An emergency?”

… A sight of a light magenta-colored mare sitting on a comfy-looking couch, painting her hooves.

“Wait… you aren’t the usual wisecolts? Are you part of the family? New errand boys, perhaps?” the mare asked, smiling at them. “Well, when you see him, tell One Ear that I’d like a TV in this room, if it isn’t too much to ask.”

The stares of the three freelancers turned, in unison, to Wordwise. Utter confusion filled the three pair of eyes, as none of them was unable to quite grasp the strange situation they had stumbled into. The former Wonderbolt, however, was not left stunned. He ran forth, relieved expression on his face, and jumped with his front legs wide as if to grasp the mare into a tight embrace.

“Rose Heels!” Wordwise cried out. “You’re alright!”

“B-brother!?” Rose Heels asked in shock. “Why are you here!?”

“To save you, of course!” the stallion said as he closed in. “Now, let’s get going before—“

The rest of Wordwise’s sentence was cut as Rose Heels unceremoniously grasped him by the waist and lifted him over her head, performing a beautiful vertical suplex that slammed the stallion to the floor. Before the eyes of the flabbergasted freelancers, the mare then dusted herself off, before kicking her whimpering brother with a furious look on her face.

“To save me!? Give me a break! The reason why I’m here to begin with is because I wanted nothing to do with you! Do you have any idea how much I had to pay the mafia in order for them to guard me in case you came looking for me!?” Rose Heels shouted. “And here we are again! Even if I asked Princess Celestia to banish you to the moon, I suppose you’d find some way to come back to ruin my day!”

“… Come again?” Fool’s Gold asked with a flat voice.

“And who’re you supposed to be?” Rose grunted at the three, while simultaneously raining blows on her sibling. “No, wait, let me guess: he told you I had been kidnapped or some other crap like that, so you’d help him get here?”

The three nodded in unison. Their eyes were now completely on the pink-and-white-maned mare, ignoring the bundle of bruises that was also known as Wordwise.

“I knew it! You can’t just stop dragging other people into your problems, huh, brother!? Let me tell you, you’ve been duped! Ever since I left the home, he’s been trying to worm his way into my life! I even tried to get a restraining order, but he bribed the officials!” Rose Heels groaned in frustration. “Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a brother who won’t leave you alone!? I’m gonna murder him! It’s the only way to end this!”

Fool’s Cold gave a cold stare at Wordwise on the floor, before looking at his comrades with a deadpan expression.

“Sister complex?” the stallion.

“Sister complex,” Ambra and Short Fuse answered in unison, nodding their heads.

“W-wait! You don’t, ow, understand!” Wordwise cried out. “I’m only doing what’s best for my sister! She’s still a teenager! She doesn’t, ow, understand the dangers, ow, of this world! Only I, her brother, can protect her! I should always, ow, stay besides her! It is the sworn, ow, duty of brothers to forever be with their little, ow, sisters and pamper them!”

“Like hell it is! You’re just a creepy deviant who refuses to let go of me!” Rose shouted. “Plus, I haven’t been teenager in three years! I’m an adult already! So leave me alone!”

“Never!” Wordwise announced. “I’ll be there, at your side, forever, to ward off any danger or suitors!”

“Aargh! You’re such a pain in the ass! Just die already, stupid brother!” the mare angrily demanded.

Seeing that the confrontation was turning more and more violent, Short Fuse finally turned towards Fool’s Gold.

“Erm, Boss… I say we go,” she said. “Mostly ‘cuz this ain’t got nothing ta do with us.”

“The less I see him, the better,” Ambra stated and nodded. “The deviant.”

“Well, there’s still the problem of our payment…” Gold grumbled, scratching his chin. However, when she heard those words, Rose Heels turned to look at them.

“Payment? What are you talking about?” she asked. “This guy’s broke. He tried to bribe the mafia to let him here, but they just took his money and left.”

A grave silence fell to the room.

“Well then, Wordwise: you’re on your own,” Fool’s Gold informed, and turned around.

Together, like particularly stiff robots trying to forget what they just experienced, the three freelancers made their way to the doorway. The desperate cries of Wordwise echoed behind them, but not a single one paid any attention to them anymore.

“W-wait, Goldie! You can’t leave me here!” the former Wonderbolt cried out. “This is for her own good! Little sisters should be their, argh, brothers’ treasures forever!”

“Just shut it, you damn pervert! I’m going to kill you!” Rose Heels growled.

The only answer to Wordwise’s pleas were the backs of the trio that disappeared through the doorway, into the corridor.

“Goldie, at least get me out of here! This story will get a gore tag if she isn’t stopped!”

“Shut up and accept your punishment with dignity! Take this: Last Ponyride!”

“Hyaaaaarggh!”

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 8: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty audience, gazing at the now dark silver screen. Minuette was slurping on the remains of her soda, while her friend was intently reading through the pamphlet featuring up-coming shows.

“Anything better than this coming on later tonight?” Minuette asked. “I’d be up for something uplifting after that fiasco…”

“Well, there’s thing one thing,” Twinkleshine said. “I know it’ll cheer you up.”

“What’s that?” Minuette inquired.

“The end of this chapter!” Twinkleshine answered.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into a bellowing laughter, which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Author's Note:

The names of wisecolts: Those with some knowledge of the famous mafia-types of USA history might find these names familiar. That's because they should be. It should also give some insight to just what sort of ponies they are.

Sakuhikonze: To realize and regret one's past decisions and to change because of them. An odd mouthful of a word, foreign to Equestria. One could call this the creed of a pony known as Fool's Gold, learned in a small island nation.

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

*Grins* This has been missed.

[Bucephalus]

4502480
Glad to know that Summer's not been kind to me when it comes to time left for writing, but knowing that the update was waited for makes it all worth it.

[Schroedingers_Katze]

I cant believe I forgot about this beautifull pearl until now. *wipes away a tear from laughing* My sides will be so sore tomorow but thats worth it.