[We're all bound to write about our original creations. If you don't like looking at original characters then I suggest that you hit the back button on your browser. <3]
A young filly is tasked with the question we all face: Who am I? What is my destiny?
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All of Roseheart's young life, she's dreamed of being the next best flier in all of Equestria, the next Rainbow Dash. However, when something unexpected happens, her dream is challenged. Encountering things a pony like herself should never have to face, she is dragged down into the depths of her mind in order to question the very core of her existence.
Chapters (5)
To anyone who has reached this page: Thanks for reading my story.
Feel free to post any constructive comments, or critisism as you see fit.
I'm just going to point things out as I read
Always spell out numbers unless they're ridiculously huge. When you used 4 in the middle of the sentence, it just looked really ugly.
As far as I can tell for everything else, you have excellent comma usage and I can't really pick out any cases of run on or fragmented sentences. You follow the rules of parentheses, another great plus.
For your first story, this is pretty dang good. I would have preferred it a little longer, and your paragraphs all seem a bit long when they could be broken up into smaller chunks.
But really. Good job.
2005784
Okay, thank you for your opinion and your tips. It's not done yet though, that was only the first chapter.
2005831 Yeah, I know, I'm just s sucker for longer chapters. I don't feel you can give enough in only a little under two thousand words. But some people like short chapters. It's all preference.
>>Sorren
Oh yeah, I completely understand what you mean. I'm trying to not push myself so hard with my first story, as I wouldn't like to specifically go for length and end up dragging it on to an extent where it becomes unpleasant for people to read. I really appreciate all of the advice and everything. I think before I get back to writing I'll take a look at some of your writings.
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I'm your friendly neighborhood editor with some edits for you! I'll go a bit deeper than what Sorren had to say, although, he did a pretty darn good job of saying it.
That, my friend, is a lot of Rosehearts. Can you use a pronoun for a few, just so that it doesn't seem a bit too repetitive?
You missed a comma, or ellipsis, here.
This paragraph. Let's go through it.
You need to spread this out a bit, by who is talking, because it looks like Roseheart is saying the bit on talking to her mother tomorrow. Oh, and put a comma between 'inside' and 'my little pony'.
Like this:
See how that is different?
This could be a completely new paragraph, and you might want to put the thought in italics.
The same thing with the dialogue and the thoughts goes to the next paragraph, and the next one. Heck, you might want to fix all of your dialogue.
Overview:
Are you a writer? Overall, this fic is amazing. Sure, it revolves around an OC, but I'm pretty sure one or two of my stories do that too. Its a start. Aside from the dialogue, you are amazing in any aspect in your writing. All spelling is correct, as with punctuation.
I give you four and a half stars, its a good start. I'll favorite it because I want to see where you'll take this.
Yours truly,
~Max/Muffinpatrol
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2005881 If it takes you away from your writing don't bother too much. My stories are just stories.
2005910
I appreciate the honest and well-thought-out review. I am definitely taking everyone's suggestions into consideration.
(By the way, Sorren, I read The Time We Have, and truthfully, I almost cried. Bravo.)
It's Awesome! God i can't believe kids would do that to another though, have they no conscience? But it is your story so keep up the good work.
Oh yeah I know, those pesky, good for nothing, meddling kids!
P.S. Thanks :)
Very interesting story, it's great start and I can't wait to see more of it. Those bullies are pretty harsh to poor little Roseheart.
2008873
Thanks. Yeah, Solace is definitely one mean little filly.
Hey, since you kindly commented on my new story I thought I'd give yours a look. I've got several points of constructive criticism, and I'll adress all of them rather briefly. If you want a more detailed review, I'd wish to refer you to Indie Authors Unite and Authors helping Authors where very nice people recide who would take pleasure in helping you improve your writing. I'd also like to point you to RBDash47's guide to Writing Fanfiction, helped me a lot.
1. More showing, less telling. Especially the introduction of your OC was almost all telling.
2. Each speaker gets a paragraph of his or her own. This helps readability a lot since it is easier to keep track of who is talking and brakes up those huge paragraphs of yours.
3. Internal thoughts go in italics, never in quotationmarks.
4. Use em or en dashes to indicate a pause, not hyphens.
5. Try not to stray too often from the verb "said" in dialogue attributions. Try to convey the tone of voice by altering the dialogue itself. Especially adverbs (e.g. 'Roseheart uneasily asked') are frowned upon and should be omitted unless there really is no other way to get the tone right--there usually is.
6. Omit needless words. Again, this was most prominent for me in the first paragraph. "The mare also had gorgeous blue eyes that shined like two beautiful stars." Getting all lovey-dovey right at the start turns readers off. "She had blue eyes." Would have sufficed, if you even really need to tell us... again, showing would be so much sweeter.
That's all I got for now. In generall, I liked it, but the things I tried to point out made reading it a bit tedious. Also, your character lacked in characterization... We don't really know much about her yet, despite the physical appearance.
I hope the tone of this brief review did not come across to you as rude, I wish you all the best for future chapters and maybe an overhaul of this one.
2009022
Thank you for the honest review, I've learned enough about criticism to know that constructive criticism isn't personal. So really, just fire away.
I have been planning an overhaul on the dialogue, and now I'm sure that I should probably adjust the first chapter to hopefully make any future additions more enjoyable for anyone who would like to read them. Expect Act I to look much more improved in the days to come. Once again, thanks to everyone for their reviews, and their support.
However, as characterization goes, I left you with little to go on because that's truly what this story is all about. Roseheart, at this stage, is a bit shallow when it comes to characterization. She's finding out who she really is, and that's why I tagged the story as a Slice of Life. Concerning changing anything about her character in this first chapter: I apologize, I simply will not change my plans.
I hope I am not coming off as rude, I'm only trying to share my perspective within the story's situation.
Thank you again for the links you've provided me, I'll be looking into them shortly. I will post another comment when I've completely overhauled the first act.
2009417 Don't worry, it's your story, noone can tell you what to do with it, and even if you don't take any of my advice, I won't complain. It all comes down to motivation I think: If you write for yourself alone, you need not heed any criticism, if you write only to please others, you must do what the majority wants. I think every writer is in between those two extremes and has to define for himself exactly where.
I do however have to tell you that a fondness of your protagonist is essential to hook readers into wanting to read more about her. Having her be a rapid Rainbow Dash fan and beat up wont suffice, I fear. If you don't want to go further into characterization in the first chapter and take things slowly, you might want to think of some hook else to keep your audience wanting to read on.
2009540
Thanks once again, I'm in complete agreement with you. Everyone has a choice.
P.S. I've finished my first edit of the dialogue, and I'm hoping that it's much more pleasing to read now. (I've also completely removed her mother's name from the story, because as of right now, I have no plans of buiding her mother's character.)
Thanks again for your words of —may or may not be— wisdom.
i'm sorry but ive always wanted to do a long comment like that
there was sopose to be a line or spike mustashes but they dident post... can you see the one i posted here ^ 
<- or can you see this derpy?
ok now the mustache
thing seems to be working
2014562
Well, yes. Although you could've just posted that all to your blog, that's part of what it's there for.
There's really no need to apologize. However as common courtesy to others, try to keep the comments focused on the story.
Thanks again for reading, I've started the second chapter, and it should be avaliable for your viewing pleasure —at maximum— in a few days.
2014615
Hehe, a few more days, I've been busy— but it will be in the next few days.
Good start to an interesting story. True to life situation of how cruel and vindictive school gangs can be with bullying, can't wait to read more....
2048978
I expect to be done with the next chapter by this weekend at the very latest.
2049142
I'm looking forward to reading more.
Aww, and you were doing so well.
That was a pretty interesting chapter, I didn't think things would go that way. Poor Roseheart can't catch a break at all.
(Joke) Alt. Titles: Total Eclipse Of The Roseheart, Every Roseheart Has Its Thorns and Roseheart Will Go On
Why does Roseheart look so much like Lauren?
2058379
Hmm, I never realized the resemblance.
Roseheart Will Go On
2058390
Since you like it, here, have a song:
2058398
Incoming bad joke:
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Tis an awesome story, please continue!
2058702
I definitely intend on doing so! I'm glad that you're liking it. Thanks.
Expect the next chapter today.
Awww
Its a good story but I'm kinda confused about what all happened.
2127744
You could always give the second chapter another read-through.
I'd rather not post a summary here, because I'd rather not have a spoiler in the comments section. Message me if you want.
2127976 Ya I looked read all of it again and I understand a little better but try slowing down a bit. Otherwise you're doing fantastic
2128003
The third chapter did feel a little rushed, as I wrote most of it today. I'll just do my best to not worry about how long it's taking me. In that way I'll be able to increase the quality of the story.
Thanks.
This was very rushed. Why couldnt you drag it out longer, make a bigger conflict, it felt like you put two days in the story time in one chapter,
2535796
That's your opinion, and I respect it.
I'd like to apologize beforehand due to the fact that I won't be able to reply to any more comments. Heading off today to BMT, so if you'd like to reply, know that I won't be able to for a few months.
Whatever the case, thank you for taking the time to read my story.
2536199
God, that made laugh a lot more than it should have. X'D