A new pony arrives in the quaint Ponyville, her name, Stormie Night, a Pegasus. At first she seems sweet and a lover of thunder and lightning, hence her cutie mark of them. As she arrives, she soon becomes friends with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie but the more they talk, the more the two ponies realize there's more to her than what meets the eye.
Realizing they must help her fight her inner demons, they delve into her dark mind, desperate to help and then get out of this nightmare, but how can you fight what you cannot see?
Chapters (1)
Take from it what you will. Should make the descrip much more easy on the eyes.
1878763 Thanks ^^ you're right it'll help a lot, doesn't help it was 2am when I wrote that but thank you again.
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No problem. Just opened it up and took a peek inside, it would benefit you to great lengths to find an editor from one of the many groups that are out there, preferably one that supports starting authors, and have them help you out. I did not look at the content of your story, however you have a lot of first time writer formatting issues that I see from the start.
- New speaker gets their own paragraph. Gotta hit that Enter key.
- Formatting of your paragraphs. Each start should be indented (Simply hit Tab once if you are using any Word Processor Program, or 6 spaces if Tab is not supported also works). Additionally, you need to leave a blank space between each paragraph, although technically not 'novel format', it is much much easier on the eyes as well as following the story. While doing this, POV changes, Time Breaks, etc can get a triple line break to show it.
- 'He said' 'She said'. Try adding words after a speech to add inflection or tone. Ex -
This carries much more weight and emphasis than simply putting 'Twilight said' at the end of it. Using adjectives and descriptors adds a lot of depth to your story.
These are not all, but just some. It seems like you are a intelligent person who doesn't mind some constructive criticism, so I wish you luck in finding an editor and improving as a writer. Feel free to ask me questions you might have in the future, however I do not have the time myself to help edit.
1878827 Thanks again, I wrote it out originally in word so the speakers did get a new line but where I then copied onto it, I find it never usually stays the same which bugs me a little but thanks for the advice, I'll go through it all properly in the morning.
Okay, my honest opinion of Stormie after this chapter was that she is dangerously close to being a Sue. Part of it's because her name is not spelled "Stormy" (odd spellings are usually not present in the show, and "stormie" is not an alternate spelling of any kind) and part of it is because of her "dark past," a very common element for Sues, but the biggest part of it is the party Ponyville is throwing for this mare. The fact that Princess Luna is involved at all sets off a few alarms, and the fact that every pony helps set up a massive banquet of sorts and even puts up a banner for her on the town hall seems a bit overblown, even for welcoming a pony on a princess's request. It's not an out-and-out bad original character, but even Twilight Sparkle on business for Princess Celestia in the first episode of the show only got a party in the library, not a festival with Mayor Mare speaking. If you're going to keep all of this, you might at least want to explain a bit better why the entire town got involved.
You need to either indent your paragraphs or space them apart, because doing neither makes it difficult to read. As a related note, quotations from different characters usually get their own line.
You seem to randomly capitalize words every now and again. It's not major, but it does look out of place.
Overall, this needs a bit of work; the concept is there, and it's clear you're going somewhere, but you can improve this to be a lot better.
Stormie reminds me of my-self, awsome so far. Have a Spike with a moustache for your hard work
1884142 ahaha thanks, love the moustache and I'll be editing this one soon and hopefully putting up another chapter ^-^ thanks again
I felt like I needed to add this for some reason, but, but ALOT of humor in the next chapter, this one turned from funny at the begining, too serious, (Stormy Night should also talk to herself, it only makes sense in my mind.) once again, awsome plot and overall story, if you have no insperation at the moment, I give
photo finish
1884254 Don't worry there will be pinkie humor but note it will slowly sink more serious since this is a dark story, if there's too much comedy it splits it away from the dark and the point of the plot but still don't worry there will always be a bit of pinkie humor in it ^-^ I promise!
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Explained it more but please note it isn't a banquet, just a couple bits from applejack's farm, and the reason twilight didn't get a massive welcome was because celestia actually never got involved with her going there, just sent her there.
Also I find it strange that because you see Luna involved alarm bells go off for you, I have to ask why. The reason she's involved it later found out, like I said in my author notes, this is only the first chapter. I have to add further that the dark past thing I find annoying and rather rude, the chapter has had no mention of a dark past and even so, it does not automatically push towards the Mary Sue side, the name I just.. I'm not saying anything on since it's almost ridiculous, I have a niece called Storm and her nickname and how everyone writes it is 'Stormie' Just because it is not proper doesn't mean it's not allowed, my friend Alys (pronounced Alice) her name is not proper but is still a name, so please don't thunder down on my OC just yet, if you feel in a couple more chapter's she is then with all mean's let me know but this is my opinion on how she's nothing like one, the reason she has this dark thing going on is it's what the story is based upon, the story would be, a new pony arrived, made friends with everyone and live happily ever after the end, not very gripping eh? So I'm sorry if you feel that way and I have taken it into consideration and explained a little on how it became a town party.
Thank you.
1895728 Explained it more but please note it isn't a banquet, just a couple bits from applejack's farm.
I still think that it's a bit much that the Mayor announced it to the town. You did edit it, though, and you're right that it does explain it more, so thank you.
Also I find it strange that because you see Luna involved alarm bells go off for you, I have to ask why.
If the Princesses are ever shown giving favor to an OC, you have to tread extremely lightly. Without giving any backstory or reason as to why Princess Luna would go to Ponyville and ask for them to set up this welcoming party in the first place, it looks like your OC is getting an unfair advantage.
I have to add further that the dark past thing I find annoying and rather rude, the chapter has had no mention of a dark past and even so, it does not automatically push towards the Mary Sue side.
Stormie, upon coming to Ponyville, is suddenly afflicted by some condition that makes her gasp and stiffen up. At the end of the chapter, there is a dialogue between Stormie and some mysterious evil voice. If that's not a dark past, it's close enough that you'll need to add something more to keep people from just assuming it is. The reason why it's Sue-ish is because it's so common. Many viewers stop reading a given story because the lead character has some sort of past event haunting them that isn't explained at all. You need to have something for the readers to bite, regardless of whether it's the first chapter or not; you don't put an empty hook into the water to catch a fish.
The name I just.. I'm not saying anything on since it's almost ridiculous, I have a niece called Storm and her nickname and how everyone writes it is 'Stormie.'
You may know that, but readers don't. When I read "Stormie," I don't think "your niece," I think "an odd spelling for a name." Just have her name be "Storm," or "Stormy," because if you don't, you are going to get comments haranguing you on choosing a weird name. I am being serious about this.
The reason she has this dark thing going on is it's what the story is based upon, the story would be, a new pony arrived, made friends with everyone and live happily ever after the end, not very gripping eh?
That's not necessarily true; such a story is called Slice of Life on this website, and a story doesn't have to be filled to the brim with action in order to be interesting. But Stormie having voices in her head is not a unique idea. Ultimately, while you as writer may know where you're going with the story, you have to make sure your reader understands enough and is involved to the point where he or she doesn't leave after the first chapter. Add something more than just "voice says, 'they're idiots,'" and make the reader want to know what's going to happen next; you will get many more views, likes, and favorites if you do.
As a final point, I noticed in your author's notes that you said labeling your OC as a Mary Sue is nitpicking. It isn't. Nitpicking would be telling you that "supercede" is not a legitimate alternate spelling of "supersede." Constructive criticism is telling you how to improve your story, and I'm telling you that keeping your OC away from having boring characteristics - like her having an unexplained past with a mysterious voice in her head without giving up any more information - is the best way to do so.
I also noticed that you did not reply to my comments about spacing and random capitalization, which most certainly is not nitpicking in any sense of the word, nor did you edit your story to accomodate this. You need to format it well, just like how you need to put spaces between words; if you don't, your fanfiction ends up being difficult to read.
1896273
Please highlight then where I need the spaces and have seemingly randomly capitalized.
Also, I have explained by part so I'm not going to comment on anything else, thank you for your input though but all I shall say is if you don't like how it sees to be then don't read it.
I like this story so far! There are a few grammatical errors, but eh, that doesn't matter.