Rarity sends spike out on an errand to find her ribbon, but she finds it at her house. Unaware of Spikes affections for her, she doesn't think much of it until he doesn't return? What will happen?
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- Member Since 17th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 29th, 2014
Dddrgn
I have been a brony since august, and I love writing a lot. I hope you all read and love my fanfiction!
Dddrgn
Joined 17th Jan, 2012 ·
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OK, let me start off by saying I LOVE your descriptions; they're quite vivid, really painting a picture for the reader. I think you could improve a bit more in that area, but to be honest, you get the concept of show vs. tell better than most fan fiction writers.
That said, there are a lot of technical flaws in your writing, first and most importantly of which is your pacing. For instance, Spike leaves the boutique and instantly sets out to find the diamond dogs. Not a page later, he's been captured by them. Only a page after that, he's lying in a hole in the ground. Do you see what I mean? The story jumps around quite erratically, and it can leave the reader unsatisfied. You can easily fix this, though. Flush the story out more, give deeper descriptions, explain the deep emotional feelings of each character throughout the search: the desperation, the drive, make the reader feel everything the Mane 6 are feeling.
Also important is your lack of formatting. In order for the reader to understand when it's a new character talking, you need to add either paragraph indents or spaces between each character's speech. For instance, in your story, you did this in your story:
“ I don't know girls... “ Twilight said, staring at the floor, obviously holding back tears. “ I don't think we will be able to find Spike.” Fluttershy sighed, falling to the floor. “ I just don't understand where he could have gone.” Rarity said quietly, playing with her mane. “ It's been an entire week of searching. We are never going to find him you guys!” Rainbow Dash said, ruffling her wings then sitting on the hard-wood floor.
You've got four characters performing actions in a single paragraph, which can be hecka confusing for the reader. Instead, do this:
“I don't know girls..." Twilight said, staring at the floor, obviously holding back tears. “I don't think we will be able to find Spike.”
Fluttershy sighed, falling to the floor.
"I just don't understand where he could have gone.” Rarity said quietly, playing with her mane.
"It's been an entire week of searching. We are never going to find him you guys!” Rainbow Dash said, ruffling her wings then sitting on the hard-wood floor.
If you fix that kind of thing and really deepen the story, I'm sure you can get a great narrative out of it. Good luck!
*le gasp* spike dies?!?! and rarity loves him back?
overall well written ya did a good job keep up the good work
Just thought I would say that this was a very well written story, I am just getting into writing ponyfics. Read this story before I had even joined, still brings a tear to my eye
Dear Rarity
Your an idoit for one not acting on your feelings and two sending him you lazy mare.
Always yours
Dead Spike
“ This is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!”
You dont get a pass for this sir or madam!!!!
with that said, I honestly don't see any of them let alone twilight giving up searching if spike disappeared. If twilight or rarity went missing, spike wouldn't stop at nothing to find them i kinda saw that as the same with twilight. I like the story though.
wow, poor spike. this actually made me shed a tear
good work
So Spike died twice? I think I missed something there...
Still, great story.
were do all gems go when stolen. other then the black market of course. the diamond fields check the diamond fields.
but oh the feels
I don't like five where spike dies he's my favorite character for god sakes*bursts through door and kills every diamond dog* that was fun*demonic voice*
If I was Spike I would of used ever advantage I could, from fire breath hot enough to melt an iron lock to claws and teeth that can cut gems like candy....basically by the time I got out of those tunnels I would be crimson with those dogs blood