Rainbow Dash and Flaky in: Dimension Jumping

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Rainbow Dash and Flaky in: Dimension Jumping

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pwny

pwny #1 · Jan 20th, 2013 · · · Welcome to Ponyville, Part 1: Flakyshy ·

Okay, here is some feedback based on me skimming the material.

On the up side, you don't have the awful grammar/spelling most new authors think they are above fixing. The characters are rather well-written, and I can see from how Twilight tosses RD into different worlds and explains nothing that you're writing an all-action-explain-nothing sort of story.

In my opinion, that is the beginning of your problems. The majority of the 3 pages so far is filled with seemingly endless stacks of conversation, often with no indication of who is speaking, and I can't really tell from the speech who it is. Sometimes when authors pull this I like to just skim the conversation, scroll to the end of it and read how the characters feel about what transpired and get a good idea of what the conversation was about.

Not here, there is little to no monologue, explanation or deeper meaning, there is just tons of dialogue. And some of the speakers are characters that are completely new to me (as speaking characters).

And finally, we come to the crossover problem. I am familiar with half of the series you want to cram in here at best, and seeing the other half in the picture just makes me want to not start reading. I don't feel motivated to keep reading knowing what's ahead. I am curious about how many people actually see that cover image and/or read your summary and actually want to tear into it.

I can't speak for others, but if you advertised the story as simply a sci-fi dimension-trawling story, I would be much more interested to begin reading. As it stands, it looks like a story you wrote for you, your friends, and some vague collective that might exist somewhere on the internet. If you at least filled in the space between dialogue with thoughts and explanation, I might have considered following.

Sound Shard