Archivist Notation: Warning, crude humor ahead. Think of this as a deleted scene from Wolf and Town. No offense to my pre-readers/editors but, I don't send these to my pre-readers/editors because they are so short and usually just pulled from the "save, but don't use" bin.
--- Apples and Wheat ---
Please flush the toilet when you are done. Failure to do so may cause a build up that will throw the earth out of orbit and plunge us into the sun.
—A bathroom in Austin, Tx
--- Interlude II: Wolf and W.C. ---
"That oughta do fer the trip ta town," Applejack thought aloud, as she looked over the tied down barrels of apples, destined for market.
Applejack was about to check the carts harness when she saw Holo trotting out of the apple cellar wearing a slight frown. The farm mare raised an eyebrow at this, but said nothing. While Applejack wasn't one to hold a grudge, she was still less than happy over the manner in which Holo had woken her up.
As if Applebloom wasn't enough of a pain some mornings, Applejack thought grumpily as she looked over the harness rigging.
Holo, for her part, was too busy glancing about near the apple cellar for the small, one pony privy she remembered from when she and Granny Smith were younger. Finally after, what felt like, ten excruciatingly long minutes, Holo relented and decided to swallow her pride and simply ask the embarrassing question.
"Applejack, where did your family move the privy to?" Holo asked as the building pressure in her abdomen painted her words with some urgency.
Applejack blinked a few times before answering, "The what now?"
Holo went to groan in complaint, but as a certain pressure made its presence strongly known she instead held her rear legs tighter and rephrased herself, "The outhouse, Applejack. It was around the large tree across from the apple cellar, when I was here last."
"Outhouse? Shoot we ain't had one of them in years," Applejack answered, before turning back to the house, "Come on, Ah'll show ya where ya can... do your business."
"Please, do so quickly," Holo said, hurriedly following AJ back into the house.
---
"Here ya go," Applejack said, opening the door to the downstairs bathroom.
The bathroom was a simple, rustic affair. A moderately sized, white porcelain bathtub, with shower head and curtain, a matching porcelain sink that a had a good sized mirror above it. And, most blessed of all, a short, porcelain seat that Holo vaguely recognized, but was able to divine its purpose without asking.
"Everythin's in the usual spot," Applejack said gesturing around the bathroom, "Just meet me out front when yer done."
"Um, Applejack?" Holo hesitantly called out, before the farm mare shut the door completely, as she looked around the porcelain throne.
Applejack turned back and poked her head into doorway with a quirked eyebrow, "What is it, Sugar Cube?"
"How am I to, well that is, I do not see the sponge or bucket," Holo said, hoping she wouldn't have to actually explain the hygienic use of those particular items.
Applejack had to bite back a snicker, here was the mighty Wolf in the Wheat, who could cause wheat to grow in an instant and she was as lost a toddler in potty training.
"See that lever on the side of the seat," Applejack explained, doing her best to keep from grinning, "When yer done just push it down and it'll, um get ya clean."
"Yes, yes now give me privacy," Holo said pushing the bathroom door closed then looked at the toilet with a slight trepidation.
Applejack just shook her head grinning, as she left Holo to her business.
A few minutes later the quiet of the farm house was shattered with the sound of Holo shrieking.
"THE WATER IS COLD!!!"
Oh my god! I really laughed out loud at the last part! XD
I'm glad you wrote a small chapter for this story, meaning I think you might go back and keep writing more sooner or later for this story.
3094630
Yeah, I'm not abandoning this story. It's just taking a long while to get it written due to life, work, etc. Check my blog for details.
Concordia in Heaven...I'm not one for toilet humor but this is hilarious. Holo being clueless makes this so worth it.
3094700
It makes sense in a weird way.
3094739
Not really, it makes perfect sense. Holo is like Luna in that she is very much out place and time. Luckily for Holo she has only been out of place for no more than a century.
I actually got a bit scared when I saw the update. Thought you had forgotten us pre-readers But then I started reading and all my fears were lifted
As for the chapter, you're a genius! Making the ponies have bidet in their toilets actually makes a lot of sense. And the last line made me laugh out loud, probably woke up my brother who sleeps in the next room
And also, as a European, I'm simply forced to give my two cents about bidet-showers when the subject is addressed.
1. Not all bidet's are like the one in the video. I, for one, have never in my life seen anything like that. Most are just small showerheads you hold in your hand and... uhm... clean yourself
2. How do human beings usually clean themselves? When our hands are dirty, we wash them with water. When we're sweaty, we take a shower (= water) Every time we clean ourselves, we do it with water. Yet, the most dirty place on our entire body we wipe with a dry piece of paper and pretend it's cleaned. Where's the logic in that?? I wouldn't say Europeans think toilet paper is bad, (we do use it along with the bidet, FYI) we just... use our heads, I guess (NOT implying other people don't use their heads)
I'll just... stop rambling now, okay This issue always gets me talking for some reason...
Great job once again, mate
3094638
Really?
Maybe I should follow you.
That is all.
3094798
Yeah it's like a 600 word chapter. I didn't think it was worth sending out for editing/pre-reading.
Bidets are actually rather hygienic. It's just really really really weird if your not used to it. Plus the cold water thing SUCKS, especially early in the morning.
3094835
Yay, Internet stalker plus one!
3094831 That is alright, young one. I am sure none of us hold it against you...
The was one of those in my parent's old house. One day my friend walked up to it, leaned over and turned it on full valve; the spray hit him in the face, he jumped backwards into the wall- hard, and the spray hit the ceiling.
I laugh.
3095005 It's not a movie, it's a series.
3095005
The series is all on YouTube. It won't show up if you have any sort of security settings on your YouTube account, though. For some reason it's listed as an "Adult" show.
Here's the first episode for ya.
Where is said bathroom?
This is why I love being a Texan.
3095069 no duh... nudity...
3095005 Oh, man you're gonna have a good time!
3095094
Not sure since I was bar hopping and PLASTERED at the time. It's somewhere on 6th street. I think.
I saw the being of the description, and went, "OH MY GOSH! SPICE AND WOLF CROSSOVER! CLICK CLICK CLICK!!!!!"
Sir, that photo in your story has made me release mass amounts of fecal matter from my rectom, that has been there for a couple of days. I thank you.
It's weird, but true.
Meh, nothing worse than that scene I just had the displeasure of viewing from Kick-Ass 2.
24.media.tumblr.com/9e353ecda9dc02e84280c04dada4705c/tumblr_mj1ns0xMc21rjddpuo1_500.gif
3095841
.... wat?
3095886
I might have to steal that idea...
How have I not found this until now?
And why hasn't anyone else done something like this?
I look forward to reading what proposes to be quite interesting...
..................no words...........none........but one........YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Bidets are also not that common. You see them more in France but most places don't have them.
Feature Box Achivement Unlocked on the 24th of August 2013
good job on another feature box love the story
3096519
Just wait till I get my next project going.
3097196
Figures that the French would have the most bidets, but only shower once a week.
3097428
Sometimes it's scary how popular this half baked idea of mine has become.
3097494
Youtube search Spice and Wolf full OST
3098558
Well bidet is from a French root word, if I remember correctly.
Great story . I don't really have anything bad to say about it other than a couple of missed words here and there. I do have one major complaint though.... No more chapters to read! I hope you have the next real chapter ready soon!
I think you have done a great job characterizing Holo. I love her interactions with the ponies, especially Granny Smith and Applejack. I look forward to her Pinkie Pie welcome party and hope she gets them to break out the hard cider! If I remember correctly she is a big drinker!
I also look forward to her meeting Celestia and Luna again after all the years. I wonder if she will call Celestia "Sun Nag" right off the bat! I also want to see if she still gets along well with Luna. I really hope you have more chapters on the way!
I also secretly hope Rainbow ignores Pinkie's warning about no pranks and ends up starting a little prank war with the wise and mischievous Wolf in the Wheat! If she does I think Rainbow will soon be in over her head.
From what I can tell so far the only thing you need luck with is finding time to write the story. It has a whole lot of promise! I am also really enjoying the pacing of the story, and find listening to the Spice and Wolf soundtrack while reading it makes it all the more enjoyable for me.
Even got a bidet to wash my ass after I shit, with not toilet paper.
3100190
Honestly, screwing up the characterization is my single biggest fear with writing and I take great pains to keep them all in character as much as I can.
As for the rest of your comment I'll quote Proff. River Song: Spoilers, darling.
As someone who has been a fan of the (original Japanese) Wolf and Spice series (both books and animation) for many years I just wanted to give you a thumbs up on the wonderful way you're portraying Holo here, I'm really enjoying this! Thanks for taking your time to write and share this story =)
where have you heard we Europeans don't use toilet paper ????
very very few use a bidet i know no one who have one and personally have not even seen one in my live
3102993
That's the best complement I can receive.
3105266
They were in a hotel a friend stayed at while they were in Europe. Besides bidets make sense for earth ponies, even with my head canon of hoof grip.
A song that makes me think of Holo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HN8h5KDmp4 Need to watch!
3140241
Why would I write her having a human form in a universe without humans? Furthermore, this is a blending crossover. Meaning I'm merging two universes; the S&W one with MLP as the setting.
3140556
It helps keep things in character.
Ahem.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Thank you.
I hope to one day see more of this glorious story. I haven't seen a single episode of the anime and I love this story.
3438892
I'm in the middle of sending the next chapter to my pre-readers and editors.
3527035
...
...
Mind if I steal this?
3527035 No problem, but I only changed "Witch" to "Zebra", the rest of the lyrics are the same... Actually, here are some full lyrics (I'm not a fan of the "ain't a phony" lines you added/changed):
O seven apples on a zebra’s tree
With seven seeds to plant inside of me
In springtime I grew a magic song
Then skipping along, oh I sang the song to everyone
I looked at the world through apple eyes
And cut myself a slice of sunshine pie
I danced with the peanut butterflies
Till time went and told me to say hello but wave goodbye
A thousand sugar stars
Oh put them in a jar
And then whistle round the world
Oh whistle round the world
I'm a little wolf inside a pony, you say
And off I’ll go from June to May
Oh whistling round the world
I met a golden griffon upon the road
Who was a handsome prince, so I was told
I asked it the way to yesterday
Then I was a sailor, and through the day I sailed away
Bluebird seas I sailed
With seaponies riding whales
Oh whistle round the world
Oh whistle round the world
I'm a little wolf inside a pony, you say
And off I’ll go down Wonder Way
Oh whistling round the world
Through apple eyes
Oh there are rose-coloured skylines
Where flying silver spoons
Eat melting marmalade moons
Through apple eyes
I see for millions of miles
The sun’s a diamond shining
In the nighttime of a summer day
A thousand sugar stars
Oh put them in a jar
And then whistle round the world
Oh whistle round the world
I'm a little wolf inside a pony, you say
And off I’ll go (I can not stay)
Oh whistling round the world
Let’s whistle round the world
Whistle round the world
3528580
I'm not particularly good with lyric rewrites, but I have an idea on how to use this and the previous lyrics in a rewrite.
3528683 I can't wait (and I think I know EXACTLY how you're gonna incorporate the 2). Now where's that chapter you promised months ago?
3528949
3/4 finished with editing and rewriting.
3529010 So... exactly where you were 10 weeks ago according to your blog?
3529074
Working 60+ hours a week
I'll address my production speed in a blog post later...eventually.
It's not that they think it's 'bad', they simply see it as a waste, and it technically IS more hygenic to wash your ass before using the paper.
3094919 Usually you can set the temperature from the tap handle thing. At least in the handheld ones. Wikipedia for Bidet and Bidet shower (<- the handheld one)
3094798
I'll tell you why Americans don't use a bidet.
Because we don't trust ppl off the street cleaning their orifices with public showerheads in public stalls; it instantly makes the stall unusable for the next person.
-- The stall floor is all wet. That's water some guy used to wash his ass with.
-- The toilet is all wet. That's from water some guy used to wash his ass with.
-- You want to touch that wet bidet showerhead? Do I need to repeat what the showerhead is wet from?
You may say "Well I don't make a mess like that." You think everyone is neat? We have enough trouble shaming ppl to aim for the toilet as it is, you think they're gonna be dainty when washing their ass with a showerhead? And if they've had a few drinks fuggedaboutit.
It may seem I've very sensitive about this topic. Chalk it up to the experiences of an American outside America.
Although I do agree in a purely environmental sense, toilet paper is an awful waste, especially with all the ppl who use way more than they need.