first chapter , going to "Fluttershy"
second chapter, help "FLuttertshy"
third chapter "Fluttershy" is almost there
Chapters (2)
spike1256
Joined 3rd Dec, 2012 ·
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what is wrong with the story
Did you delete a lot of comments as they were all negative? That's kind of immature. I'm going to read your story now, and will edit my post in a minute with my thoughts and the stories faults.
Edit:
Second sentence.
May I can with you Twilight ,Fluttershy may need my help with her babe rabbits," says Pimkie Pie
Should be come, not can, and baby, not babe. also, Pinkie pie, not Pimkie Pie.
Next sentence has more typo's, and mis-spelt words.
Yes you can come with me,can wee get somerthing on the right track between us.
We not Wee, and something not someRthing. (notice the R)
"What do you when now about me Twilight," says Pinkie Pie
I guess this is meant to read "What do you want to know about me, Twilight?" Notice the comma before the persons name, the correct spelling and generally correct meaning to the sentence, and using the correct words.
Generally, there are a lot of spelling mistakes and sentence fragments. It needs a good proof reading before submission and spell checking to ensure some of the sentences make sense. Okay, a great proof reading as the story goes on, it makes less and less sense. Punctuation is your friend, it helps to formulate the structure of the story and helps to separate sentences and regulate the pace at which the reader, reads it.
As I went on, the story became a nightmare to read as sentences all ran together without separating them with full stops or commas. You need to use punctuation. Full stops at the end of a sentence, a comma when the sentence needs a pause. A tip, read the sentence aloud. When you stop for a breath, or just pause for effect, that is where you need to add a comma.
Also, try to alternate how you describe which character is speaking. Instead of just saying "Says X" every time someone speaks, try to use different versions. i.e, "Pinkie Pie said." And also, you generally use "Said Pinkie Pie" instead of "Says" Says is present tense, Said is past tense. It's hard to tell what tense your story is in, as there is no description to it.
Next point, use description. Describe the characters faces, the places they are in, things they are doing, i.e. "Pinke said, while picking up her cake and taking a huge bite." Description helps to make the story feel more alive, more detailed, and a lot more engrossing. Your story is nothing but dialogue. Dialogue alone doesn't make a great story. a story needs description, it needs imagery.
I am guessing English isn't your first language, as the story comes across almost as being badly translated. If this isn't the case, then I am sorry for this comment.
To be frank, the story needs a lot of work. All the spelling mistakes need correcting,and you need to use the correct word for the sentence. Case in point, you kept using "now" instead of "know". This alone makes reading the story difficult.
Next, correct punctuation, separate the sentences when they end to make reading easier for the reader. Add commas, also use exclamation marks and question marks when required, it helps to get the tone of the sentence and dialogue a lot more.
Once you've done this, add in description of scenes, characters reactions, how they struggle to do something. Example:
Fluttershy began to shake uneasily on the floor as Pinkie Pie stood before her, smiling. She lifted her head up and gazed at her friends reassuring smile, and began to feel more confident. Fluttershy stood up slowly, her legs trembling. She took a deep breath and exhaled sharply before speaking.
"Hello... Pinkie Pie..." she said meekly.
Notice how the description helps the story. Also notice that the dialogue starts on a new line after the description as it makes it easier to separate and read. General rule with dialogue, anytime a new character speaks, start on a new line. As in press enter twice, then put their dialogue on a new line. Every time a different character speaks, new line for the dialogue.
I hope this helps, and sorry if it is worded a bit poorly or appears confusing.
1815492
ok i like to belete them becuse I do not like the comets
ty
1815409
First: lack of spellchecking and proofreading. I had to read some sentences aloud to get their meaning(e.g. "What do you when[want] now[to know] about me Twilight").
Second problem is dialogue, which is really stiff: characters speak one line per time and often repeat each other(e.g. in the beginning of ch.2 varations of "ready for first lesson" is said by both TS and FS and that wass almost half of their phrases).
Third problem is Celestia. It's not explained how she got there and why she is actually helping Fluttershy instead of ruling the country.
Fourth is I have no idea what is repeating letters mean, e.g. "AAAlright TTTwilght." Sluttering?
1815523
See my updated comment, I hope it helps.
1815550
she is studdering
thank you people I will not delte the coments any more
hi guys
hi
