Equestria will fall silent. The past will be lost in a dream. What do you do when the world caves in behind you and you can't turn back? Will you fade into the darkness, or will you push forward in the hopes of a new day?
Chapters (2)
Feather Storm
Joined 1st Dec, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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-Here’s my immediate problem with this fanfiction: it implies that the main character is Twilight Sparkle but it does not read or sound like any of Twilight’s thoughts or actions. She doesn’t survey the scene as a reader might expect, but instead says it’s devastated. She doesn’t use any of her mannerisms, it reads as if this is entirely somepony else which is the exact impression I received from the get-go. I would be perfectly content if this was someone else because it certainly isn’t Twilight.
-I need to know how the devastated town actually looks. It’s apparently not a literal assessment of devastation seeing as she’s wandering into random houses, but a clearer statement would be appreciated. I need to see a bit more mental imagery about this place aside from the borderline purple prose and lengthy sentences.
-Thoughts should be quoted or italicized.
-The long sentences and the action bit with the decayed foal being a zombie didn’t get a pass from me. There’s no change in syntax or the way Twilight is thinking, the story continues on as if it was supposed to happen. Even when the scene starts, it’s in the middle of another paragraph. Most sentences aren’t short enough, and the action reads passively because of it. The blood I suppose was ok, but I don’t write gore scenes so my opinion on this wouldn’t suffice.
As for grammar and formatting, I didn't recognize any errors. Then again. I wasn't paying close attention to this due to the errors mentioned above, so take that with a grain of salt.
I suppose at the end of it all, there's not a good reason for me to stay here and read the rest of this fanfiction. There's no hook, by gods has zombie fanfiction been done before, and it doesn't make me feel engaged with the Mlp: Fim universe, and naming a town and using a western setting doesn't cut it.
2814301 Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it :D
As for Twilight, I made her different on purpose. I still tried to make her Twilight-y, but she just kinda saw the world end. Without a little change in personality, it really wouldn't make sense. The town she was in was a setting in the actual show, and it was meant to foreshadow the entire story by little bits. It was meant to be futuristic to take a step into a place where Twilight would go. But I understand where you're coming from.
In the next chapter, I actually went back to the beginning, and there you see the real Twilight Sparkle and the real beginning to the whole trauma. But if I can't get you a hook, then I can't really get you to understand the rest.
My whole story isn't just, "throw in some zombies, instantly on the front page!" sort of thing, and in the future I'm not just going to focus on surviving the apocalypse, but why, and what happens now. I actually have some complicated plot ideas for the future, but I've never been the best at hooking people into a story I suppose.
I'm not sure now if I should delete the first chapter or go on, or work on it and keep going? To me, it was meant to be a prelude to the story, but if I can't do it right then it defeats it's purpose.
Another fear of mine was that people would just view this as a typical zombie story. Throw some gore in there, get some likes. This isn't the case, but people tend to look at the first page, make an assumption, and just never dig deeper. I guess I can't blame them from many of the stories I've seen before. But this is probably mostly my fault too. I'll try to work on fixing this problem later. I feel discouraged that you feel this way, but again though, thank you for your honest opinion :)