Awakening
The blue light from the TV cast an eerie glow over my bedroom. It was dark. The night had swept on in frightening leaps as my parents argued in the living room. I moved to the window and gazed out at the storm clouds obscuring the sky. A single star shined on through a break in the clouds, giving just enough of a perspective to see my reflection in the glass. I appeared to be unstable, broken, and full of confusion. However, none of that fit how I felt inside. My soul felt as though it was attempting to escape through my chest, to be anywhere else. Just not here.
The voices outside my door intruded into my focus, brought me back into a world I wanted nothing more to do with. i walked to my nightstand, the only piece of furniture left in my room that left untouched from my dad's rage while I had been out of the house. The sound of argument ceased and and my mom's screams blotted out all other sound. I opened the bottom drawer and pulled out sleeping pills. Several gunshots rang out from the living room mimicking thunder and lightning as it crashed down from the sky. My dad yelled my name from the living room, but I no longer heard.
"Tyler Rose!" My dad bellowed at the door that blocked his passage into my room. My willpower felt unstoppable, absolute, as if the world itself spun to the pace of my thoughts. I downed the pills one at a time, my mind set on a final solution. I consumed every last pill in the bottle, then set it down gently on my nightstand. I gathered all the envelopes that contained my final words and stood to face the door, now aware of my dad trying to break it down. I went to the window and ran out into the night, towards the mailbox. As I ran, I became aware of a sharp pain in my chest. I opened the mailbox and pushed in the letters. I heard a faint snapping sound and turned to see my dad standing in the room that was once mine.
I took off into the forest at a stunning pace, faster than I had ever ran before. I did not stop until I had gone beyond the edge of anywhere I had ever been. I kneeled in the mud and searched the sky for my star, I could not see it. Without its guiding light, the world seemed colder. Darker. Lonely. I kneeled there for minutes but air would not return to my lungs. My vision narrowed and turned red. Finally a small breath of life crept into my lungs. My vision cleared slightly, and I realized that I was finally dying. I closed my eyes and smiled bitterly. My legs and arms grew cold amd numb, and I lost strength quickly. I fell back and splashed down into the mud. Pain spiked in my heart as the breath I had taken in escaped. My brain started to shut down and my lungs ruptured and filled with fluid. My body tried to vomit and purge the blood in my system but I was too weak. Too far gone.
The clouds seemed to descend to cover my vision once more, and just before I could no longer see, I saw my star bright from the heavens once more. I closed my eyes for the final time, and attempted to say a single word.
"Peace." I slipped away before I could express the last remark. The pain that had crashed through my body and shattered my thoughts for so long had died.
Tyler Rose... Died.
Inky blackness swirled through a dark nightmare of Ethereal visions, Chaos whipped at my tortured memories and set my soul align in a blaze of confusion. My memories of my life were eviscerated. I felt them disappear in huge masses as if my body was being dipped in lava. Memories of friends I had helped, mistakes I had made, all my accomplishments and failings were taken from me by a rushing torrent of pure regret and wild hatreds. I clutched at the last vision of my star held on to it as my only anchor to existance. I crashed further towards the point of no return. I hated the being who was destroying me with a passion stronger thab the torrent itself. Finally, the star was my only memory, I was... the star. As invisible hands reached for my bastion of hope I destroyed sympathy, if only for a moment. Then like a rug slid out from beneath me, the entity stole my last sanctuary.
I drifted for an untold amount of time, it could have been forever, yet it was only a few moments. I strained all my senses and tried to open my eyes, but to no avail. I no longer felt as if I were falling, I had control over my thoughts again, yet I had nothing to think about. I felt a warm breeze trickle my face, and realized birds had been singing for a long time, I just hadn't realized it as I was so used to the sound. I smiled and breathed in deeply, the scent of flowers and trees swam into my core. Soft grass pressed into my back and legs and I discerned the sound of water tumbling over the rocks of a nearby stream. I felt good. Better than I had in... my thoughts went blank and froze up. I gave up trying to recall any thoughts of... well anything really. I dozed off into a peaceful sleep until a heavy weight on my chest pervaded my dreams. Once again, I became aware of my surroundings. Everything felt so solid. Then, something warm spread across the front of my body.
My eyes snapped open while I went vertical and I planted my hooves firmly on the ground as my wings unfurled. I focused my vision then realized a turtle was hanging onto my face by my ears. Yellow liquid splashed onto the ground between us and the turtle smiled slowly.
"What..?" The word stumbled out of my mouth as the turtle licked his face.
"Taaank! Come on man!" a female pony's voice called down from the sky. The turtle grunted and propellers from a hat on his head lifted him into the sky. My gaze tracked his movement until he landed in the arms of...
Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle all cantering towards us. I knew them all by name, and I knew we were in a meadow just outside Ponyville, yet I had no memory of them or anything.
"Wow," Rainbow said, "That must have startled you more than I thought." Pinkie bounced up to me and exclaimed in an excited voice,
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! We must not have met yet! Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be best friends! Applejack says being friends is like apple pie, but that's silly! We pony-folk don't eat friends!" She reached her hoof out to shake with a smile. I smiled back and shook her hoof. I turned to the rest of the ponies who were playing with their pets and said in a clear and friendly voice,
"Sorry, I must have dozed off, nice to meet you all! My name is Briar Rose." The name cascaded off my tongue without thinking and I stopped smiling. Was that my name? It felt as right as the wings on my back and the breath in my lungs. I was physically perfect.. Yet something was off.
"Ohh ohh! That's a good name!" The pink mare squealed. She bounced with every word and the sight brought a smile back to my face. Rarity looked at my wet fur on my chest then back at tank who was flying over her with her eyes narrowed.
"Hello, my name is Rarity, and if I must say so myself, you really must get yourself cleaned up."
"What she means is, Welcome to Ponyville." Twilight stepped forward with a smile on her face and a curious look in her eyes. The ponies introduced themselves and I got over my shock.
"So where will you be staying at?" Applejack inquired with a half eaten apple in her hoof and the other half in her mouth. I looked to each of the ponies and replied,
"I'm not sure, I can't remember anything about my life since before I woke up." Rainbow Dash bursted out laughing,
"Wow, Tank really DID scare you pretty bad!" She reached her hoof over and seconds later tank brohoofed her, There was a slightly ankward silence then Fluttershy broke the silence by saying,
"Nothing? That's just terrible," in a timid voice. Twilight stepped forward and her eyes sparkled with helpful intentions.
"Maybe I can help, I just know I have some books on memory loss back in my library."
"Thank you Twilight, I really appreciate it." Rarity spoke up with an indignant voice,
"Not like that I hope!?" she gestured to where Tank had relieved himself on me.
"Oh, uhm. My home is pretty close, he could wash up there and have something for lunch. I mean if that's okay with you Briar."
"Of course if it's no problem to anypony." I told Fluttershy.
"And when you're done, I will come over to take you back to my library," Twilight added. Fluttershy smiled and said to her tiny bunny pet,
"Come on little fella', let's go home," The bunny hopped into her outstretched hooves then into her mane. Fluttershy motioned for me to follow her as she took off into the air, I quickly turned and said to the group of ponies,
"Nice meeting all of you! See you around." Pinkie bounced into the air, crying,
"Wait! You haven't even tried my cupcakes yet!" Applejack kicked a tree and caught an apple,
"You're always welcome at the apple farm if you need a place to stay." She kindly told me. I smiled and kicked off from the ground, calling thanks and goodbye to my new freinds. A chorus of goodbyes and a single call of "Wash well!" swept me off on my flight with Fluttershy.
She hummed a beautiful tune as she flew and birds from the forest below joined in the song as if they had sang it with the yellow pegasus dozens of times before. Soon Ponyville was far behind us and the beautiful landscape of Equestria spread out in all directions. A small clearing connected to the town by a dirt road came into sight as I descended behind Fluttershy. She finished her song as her hooves touched the ground and the forest echoed her final note then went silent before resuming its natural sounds.
"This is it!" She said proudly. The bunny hopped out of her mane and into Fluttershy's lush yard. All sorts of animals made their homes in a peaceful co-existance in the clearing. Fluttershy obviously had a deep connection with animals.
"It's amazing Fluttershy," I said softly. She blushed and breathed.
"Thank you." We trotted up the stairs and into her hut. It was very cozy inside. Even more animals lived inside her house in various nests and beds. "The bath is upstairs."
"Thanks alot," I replied with a sincere smile. I looked around the bottom floor of Fluttershy's home again, taking in all the delicate decorations, then I started to head upstairs to wash up. I ascended up into the second floor. As I walked down a bright hallway I took a deep breath What could have happened to me to eradicate my memory? It was so unfair, where was my home; my family? Do I have a girlfriend? Are my friends worried about me? I sifted through these thoughts as they bounced around in my head. I entered the bathroom and stopped in front of a large mirror. The sunlight from a small window shone onto my dazzling white fur and made my black and blue mane reflect thier hues onto the wooden floor. My warm brown eyes stared back at me with an unaswerable question.
"Who am I?" I whispered to myself and turned away from the mirror. I turned the hot water on for the bath and climbed in. The water soothed my confused mind as I lay there, my wings unfurled. Everything was going to be okay, I was going to wash this turtle pee out of my coat, get something to eat, then go back to Twilight's tower to have my memories brought back. Reassured, I began to wash, and my mind wandered into possibilities of where I was from. Although I knew these ponies and recognized the places I had been so far, I definantly did not feel as if I belonged in this town. It was a lovely place, but my heart looked to the mountains outside the window. The forested slopes and snow capped peaks called to me, and I felt the urge to soar through them, looking for all I had lost. Instead, I finished then dried off with one of Flutterhsy's towels.
I walked down the stairs slowly, feeling hungry and eager to speak to the small yellow pony. My hooves clicked on the floor when I reached the bottom of the stairs. I searched the living room with my eyes but found no sign of her. I began to panic and I unfurled my wings ready to fly away. I hightened my senses, straining to discern some sign of Fluttershy. Soft crying reached my ears from some place outside. The sound was heart-breaking. It was definantly Fluttershy. I galloped outside and immediately spotted her sitting beneath a tall oak tree with ravens gethered near her on its lowest branches and the ground near her hooves.
"Hush now, quiet now, it's time to go to bed..." The pony sang with tears glistening in her eyes. A beautiful raven lay dead amidst tthe solemn flock. Fluttershy sensed my approach and stood up slowly I came to stand next to her as she turned her head to read my face with a crushing look of pure sadness in her eyes. "He was a good freind, I am sad to see him go," She said to me. We turned our heads away from each other to stare back down at Fluttershy's departed pet. A tear fell from her cheek and she turned back to me. "I am alright." She told me in a shaky voice. "It was his time." I nodded, unsure of what to say. "I set some of Pinkie's cake that was left from the picnic out for you on the table."
"Thank you Fluttershy. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'll be fine in a moment. Please wait for me inside." She said, now sounding less miserable.
"If you're sure." I replied She simply nodded and I walked back into Fluttershy's house. I was definantly in need of a good sized piece of cake from Pinkie Pie.
"Briar?" Twilight's voice came from the door. I looked at the cake then at the door. The cake would have to wait. I trotted up to the door and opened it to let the unicorn in. Fluttershy stood behind her, looking close to normal again. Twilight definantly knew how to make her friends feel better. "You look great, ready to leave?" Twilight said from the doorway. I smiled at the mares, and greatfully said,
"Yes, definantly. Thank you both so much for helping me." Fluttershy blushed and mumbled something I couldn't hear to the ground. Twilight smiled and said,
"You're absolutely welcome, it was the least we could do for a pony in need. Dash is sorry by the way, I know she acted a little rude, but she means well." I laughed soflty at the memory of Dash and Tank hoof-bumping.
"It's fine, don't worry about it," I assured her as we both stepped out onto Fluttershy's lawn. Fluttershy didn't follow.
"I need to see to Warden's burial." She told us in a weak voice. Twilight sensed her sadness returning and walked back to place a hoof on her shoulder.
"He is in a better place now, all things come and go," Twilight said to Fluttershy. Fluttershy nodded and sat down on her porch.
"Thanks Twilight," Her timid voice replied. I watched as the mares said goodbye to each other with Celestia's sun sinking lower behind them. Twilight calmly turned and walked over to me. We began the trip from Fluttershy's cottage back to Ponyville.
"That was a nice thing you did back therem she was really upset," I said to Twilight. She nodded.
"She loves her pets. The animals around her house are her main company. She cares deeply for them all deeply," She finished statement as we rounded the last bend in the road and arrived at Ponyville. The main road curved through town, with various shops hugging the road near the outskirts. Most of the homes and restaurants were near the center. Every building was clean and beautifully painted. It was as if the Equestrians refused to build something not add on the the beauty of the landscape. A pegasus weather theam could be seen moving rain clouds over the farms. I wonder if I should be up there. Maybe somepony would recognize me. Twilight and I walked down the road and ponies continued their daily schedules around us. We passed several ponies that would wave to Twilight and call out greetings to her. My eyes settled on a spectacular bakery, made out of material that appeared to be candy and gingerbread.
"Woah!" I excalimed and Twilight laughed.
"That's Sugarcube Corner, the best bakery in town. That's where Pinkie lives with the Cake family. Twilight smiled again after I responded with,
"It's amazing."
"You should try some of the cupcake Pinkie makes, so delicious. I would trake you in to visit but I told Spike I would be back by sundown. Pinkie would probably insist on a party and-" Twilight stopped midsentence and pointed at a window in the bakery. Pinkie had just finished putting up a sign that said "Welcome to Ponyville Rose!" I waved at the pink pony and Twilight and I both chuckled at Pinkie's over-abundance of friendlyness.
"Everypony here seems so nice." I commented to Twilight.
"It's a nice town, the ponies here have taught me so much I would have never realized if I had not met them," Twilight replied. Somehow, without being told, I knew that was true I felt as though I knew each of the six ponies I had met in the park earlier like we had grown up together as fillies. I subconsciously knew how any of them would react to anything I said, Somehow, we were connected. That thought was bittersweet, Why did I know so much about them but nothing about myself but my name? I could only push those thoughts away and focus on the present. We continued our trip through Ponyville. An enormous tree stood near the middle of town. A purple tower was crafted from the tree in a clever fashion. I knew that it was Twilight's home. "That's where I live. Pretty soon we should be able to fix your memory with a spell I discovered in an old book from my library," She said to me. I was awed by the mare's generosity.
"Thanks again, I have no Idea at all what I would be doing if you had not helped me out," I said back to Twilight.
"It's no problem," She said as we walked up to her front door, "It's a terrible thing to lose your memory, your family is probably worried sick about you." She looked back at me as she opened the door. "Welcome to my home," She said. we stepped inside a large circular living room with massive bookshelves lining the walls. A desk occupied the far corner by a winding staircase. Quills and ink were arranged neatly on the desk beside a large green book. "That's the book I found the memory spell in," Twilight said. She continued talking, "If the problem is something simple like amnesia, this spell will cure it." She walked over to the book and carefully opened it. She breezed throught its pages, searching for the correct spell.
"Twilight, before you cast the spell, I need to tell you something.." I said to Twilight. I had resolved to tell her everything. "Twilight, I'm not sure how or why , but I am connected to you, and the other five mares who found me this morning."
"How do you mean?" Twilight inquired.
"Well, I feel as though I have known all six of you all my life. I recognize everywhere I have been today, but have no memory of being here." Twilight's brow creased as she worked through all of the possibilities.
"Hmm. Our best bet is to try the spell. Everything should be clear in just a few minutes," Twilight said.
"Alright," I agreed. I had little hope the spell would work, but as Twilight said, there was no better way to break through the shadowy walls of my amnesia. "Let's do this." I said.
"Here goes something!" Twilight said, her voice slightly raised from the force of her concentration. I stood firmly rooted to the ground with every muscle in my body tense and my wings unfurled at my sides. Twilight's horn began to glow and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she dipped deep into her magical reserves. An immense build up of power pressed towards me from all directions. I sensed Twilight's magical presence attempting to push its way into my mind. As though she was being forced back by some sinister power, Twilight's struggles became obviously more strained. She gasped for breath and wind whipped around the room encircling us both in a halo of unrelenting force. Besides the pressure of Twilight's magic... I felt no change at all. The struggle continued for several more moments. Still no change.
The spell is going to fail, were the grim thoughts being passed around in my head. I'm going to to be stuck like this. Just then, the colors of twilight's library twisted together and condensed into a flash of pure agony just behind my eyes. I slipped into oblivion. A sound of thunder forshadowed the appearence of a terrible dream. Smoke and fire rose up to meet the black skies in a blistering firestorm of chaos. The despair of besieged ponies whispered around me. I have to- The dream and horrible pain ended just as quickly as it began.
"Hey! Are you alright?" A scared but sincere sounding voice queried. I forced my eyes open to see a baby dragon crouched next to me and the unconscious body of Twilight Sparkle. Shudders of uncertainty echoed through my spine.
"I.. Don't know." I said to the dragon who's name I somehow knew was Spike.
"Ohhh.." Twilight cried as she came to beside me. "That was awful." Twilight said. I simply nodded my head too troubled to find the right words to say. It was definantly awful. And I still did not have any memory of my past besides the excrutiating glimpse into a burning castle. Why would somepony go out of thier way to curse my like this? How could they even remove my cutie mark? A deep, cold rage built inside my chest. I could hardly control my anger. Spike descended from the stairs with a large book in his claws.
"Here it is Twilight!" Spike said. Twilight levitated the book over to the table and layed it next to the other book.
"The first book contains spells to restore memory, but the second book contains all known things that cause memory loss. I remember seeing something in here before..." Twilight's voice trailed off into nothing as she rapidly skimmed through the book.
"Twilight, please.. No more magic today," I pleaded.
"Tonight you mean," Spike said. Both Twilight and I looked to a large circular window. Sure enough, Luna's moon was rising far off in the horizon.
"Woah, how long were we out?" I asked the dragon.
"Two, maybe three hours. I couldn't wake you!" Spike said, looking between me and Twilight.
"You should get some rest, I'll stay up a bit and get to the bottom of this," Twilight said.
"Thanks," I replied in a tired voice. I walked over to a comfortable looking couch by the window and collapsed in a heap on my back. I watched the sky grow darker. Twilight and Spike sat behind me at the table, talking quietly in hushed voices. I closed my eyes and began to think. Thoughts floated around like bits of wreckage in an ocean. I reached into my mind and pulled out a thought at random. I repeated the same arguments I had been going through all day in my head. Worry drove all possibility of sleep out the window. Out the window... I gazed at the stars that now filled the sky with their luster. One stood out above all the rest. Its glow shined down and blanketed me in a tender purple light. It comforted mr to know that something so beautiful would endure forever. I lost awareness, and passed into dreamless sleep.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Dusk Writer · 8.3k words · 324 10 · 6.4k views
- ShrapnelLeader · 23k words · 205 6 · 5.5k views
- That Drunk Pony · 42k words · 331 18 · 19k views
- Jacoboby1 · 35k words · 103 2 · 4.7k views
- Jacoboby1 · 20k words · 133 5 · 5.7k views
- spiderkink · 6.5k words · 226 14 · 6.4k views
- Garuda IV · 811k words · 838 79 · 16k views
- Haseo · 97k words · 59 1 · 2.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.113 seconds
Total duration
656 users online
901,929 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4988223081941633&pid=15.1
and I haven't even read it yet. I will get back once I have.
EDIT
Okay, Let us first evaluate the topic you decided to write about: Human dies, turns into pony. This has been done by just about every single brony on this site(bar a few). Okay cliche topic, but if it is well done, it might still work.
It seems like you took the time to take the most cliche possible elements from this genre of HiE and crunch them into this story, not to mention the impossibly Gary-Stu protagonist. The elements of harmony just happen to be taking a stroll together and come across him? Then they are instantly his friend and invite this strange stallion whom they just met into their homes?
The writing is awful too. Everything is rushed. There is absolutely no character development whatsoever and you describe nothing about any of the ponies. I know we have all watched the show but you basically just said their names and explained the rest by Gary Stu here magically knowing everything about them. You didn't even keep any of them somewhat in character.
The spelling and grammar aren't as bad as the other elements of this story, but it is fairly obvious it has not been edited. There are numerous small spelling and grammar mistakes that make reading this even more uncomfortable and un-fun in every possible way.
Please, burn this and wait until you have a good idea to start writing. I understand you you need practice but c'mon... Seriously?
C'mon brah, seriously?
This is a really interesting story. I'm liking where this is going, but that might be 'cause I'm newer than most people on fimfiction.net.
You probably have heard this already, but you should get somebody to help edit your story.
It's only spelling and grammatical errors that are keeping people from liking this story.
I'd recommend adding your story to this group: Editor's Dreamland
Tell me if you find anyone who will help you with your story. Even if you don't find anyone to help you, then contact me instead. I love helping writers to make their stories better.
Really, you are more talented at this than most people. Keep writing, no matter how many bad marks you get.
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/Bitches+better+learn+their+PEMDAS+shit+son+that+s+6th+_5e8bfc3f9eb081e5a8c31989de8f876b.jpg
Edit: btw liking your own story doesn't count. So please let us nuke this from orbit.
1846243
i really don't like it when people say that
because there are a lot of terrible writers
who should never write another word
as long as they live
anyway
shadows of the past is one of the most cliched titles of all time
the past tense of shine is shone
just one example of your inability to use english properly
so like
your description talks about
how this guy doesn't know anything but his name
and then
you show
at the beginning
the main character as a human with a different name
explaining everything he doesn't know
thus rendering the story's point
(him finding out about his past or whatever)
completely nonviable to the reader
because there is no tension
or mystery
or anything
one of the other guise said
that you go too fast
and don't put any detail in
i second that
also i second myself
in saying that
you write like a 12 year old
on fanfiction.net
who has just discovered harry potter
well maybe a little better
but whatever
you try to be all dramatic
n shit
and it just falls flat
also wtf
turtle pee, yo
seriously
i'm tempted to say trolling
but i like to think
that some people
really are this pathetic
it makes my view of life
that much more negative
in conclusion
stop writing foreverget a proofreader and write multiple drafts that become more detailed and coherent each time, because that's generally how successful writers do itWell, actually, when you take the friendly nature and general FREINDLYNESS of the Elements of Harmony, it would only make sense that they would help him out. Especially Twilight, who would be curious to learn and/or cast magic.1845985
Not in Character,...? HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE SHOW??? That's damn near exactly what they would've said. If not, please forgive me for not being able to predict the mind of a fictional character.
1846576 Actually, I didn't like my own story, thank you very much.
1846243 God. Damn. FINALLY, somepony who didn't dorectly hate my story.....and called me talented!!!
Thank you so much!
*Directly
1848191 I forgive you, but please... Fluttershy finds strange man who she never met, covered in piss. Invites him into her house. LOLWUT
Why do all of the characters instantly trust and like your Mary Sue? They don't even ask him anything about himself, they just act like he has lived with them their whole lives. It doesn't work that way.
No reason to be mad
all I am saying is, Your story is bad and so should you feel.
EDIT: also typo in your description...
EDIT: You also seem to have overreacted to what I meant to be some helpful, albeit harsh, criticism. You immediately called it hate instead of using what I said to improve your writing skills. You should improve your social skills, and learn to take some criticism.
1849457 Well when you call somepony pathetic that's the usual response you'll get from me. I have to admit, that point you made about Fluttershy made sense, but it can't be that bad. As long as you're trying to help, do you think the others were in character?
Well, Twilight Sparkle, basically the only other one you have shown us readers currently, isn't even really a character. The same goes for "Briar Rose" as there is no character development whatsoever. If I had never watched the show and just went directly into reading your story, I would see a character, whose personality is completely nonexistent from my knowledge at the moment, magically appear in front of some other characters I have no idea about and magically know their names and everything about them. There is no description of appearance, and none of the events of the story describe their personalities. The story then proceeds to advance with these characterless characters who I have no knowledge whatsoever about and gives no description on them anywhere. This is one of my big problems with this story.
And also please PLEASE refer to this for your main character and at least attempt to fix him. I am not sure it can be done, but I guess seeing as he hasn't been developed at all yet. Oh well: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
EDIT: I would also like to point out that the idea for a fic is overused. Please find something original to write. If all the books published were like this, just think how badly it would suck.
1851404 Well I'd assume that we all know who Twilight Sparkle is, and looks like, you know because she's a character in the show that we all watch. That's why this story is on FIMFiction, so now you're kinda delving into things that don't matter. On the matter of Briar Rose, his character hasn't really been developed because.....well..I don't know.....maybe it's that fact that he doesn't have any memory of who he is, of could it be the fact that it's only the first chapter of the story? THINK BRO!!!
1851442 He has no memory, but his personality still shows. You should show what kind of person he is. I like to know who the story I am reading happens to be about. It is very stupid of you to write assuming that everybody knows everything about every character in your story. I mean seriously, have you ever read a published book where none of the characters are description of any of the characters whatsoever? Read some successful HiE stories and try to model your works after them. May I suggest Project: Sunflower, by HoopyMcGee? I am sure you will find the characters are described in any successful HiE fic. Even if we all know the characters, a description would definitely help them to create a visual image of the going ons of the story. It can just be things like: The yellow pegasus, Fluttershy, hid behind her long pink mane in fear at the sight of the (insert nonexistent description of what the main character looks like here) stallion approaching her. From what i've seen its just been things like: Fluttershy hid behind her mane when she saw him approaching her.
And finally remember, don't use the "Just the first chapter" excuse. By the end of your first chapter you should have introduced most of the main characters who will accompany the protagonist on his journey, even if it is just in a background scene, and given them some description. The stage should be set by the end of the first chapter. Great things can happen in four thousand words. Nothing remotely great happened here.
Hello again DeadliestPony and unnamed original author I shall be referring to as Briar. It's me again, that horrible guy you probably associate with trains and the like. Well, that's all over and I'm no longer leaking liquid stress so I'm here to take a look at your new story in what is hopefully a helpful review.
First off, congratulations on sidestepping that characterization land mine that is the 'mildly unpleasant life'. This character is actually running from something that is actually a threat and horrible enough to warrant non-magical amnesia.
There was a massive shift of perspective in these three words. Leading up to this point the story had been presented entirely in the first person (I, me, my etc) but this paragraph is actually in the third person (The Great and Powerful Trixie, etc).
That comma should probably be a period as there are actually two sentances there. The word 'align' also highlights one of my big problems with this story: prooreading. This story is filled with errors which could have been fixed by spellcheck (if you 'can't' use it, download Firefox or Openoffice)* and others, such as 'align' which could be fixed by rereading the work after it is 'finished'.
You may want to try putting the character's actions in the same paragraph but you definitely need to couple them with the 'said'-part and all variations on it, like so:
The protagonist is mostly passive so far. What I mean is that he doesn't tend to cause anything to happen. He's like a video-game protagonist, being told where to go and simply reacting to the actions of other, supposedly supporting, characters. The reason I mention this is because this is something you'll want to keep in mind while writing future stories. A reactive character feels boring regardless of any characterisation they might already have.
The mane six also seem to be acting oddly. They come across an unconcious pony in the forest and assume that he is unusual. Pinkie even uses the phrase 'pony-folk' while talking to somepony whom they have no reason to doubt is actually a pony. Events also move to fast. You bounce from arrival to bath to grave to library without developing much at all, not to mention that the description that is present in the first chapter becomes more and more sparse as the story continues.
"Black and blue mane." Now this is a really minor thing, which is why I left it till last, but most ponies have similar colours in their hair (Trixie, for example, has light blue and pale blue in her mane) with a couple of exceptions, like Twilight's highlight and Rainbow Dash's rainbow hair. You could, however, suggest that the black part of his mane is a remnant of his humanity.
I would reccommend reading this: The EqD Editor Omnibus. No matter your opinion on the website, this doc provides some helpful tips for authors and editors alike. I'd also reccommend re-reading this chapter and fixing the mistakes if only as practice for future chapters and stories.
Keep writing and, despite my critisism, remember that enjoyment is the most important part of writing. Merry Christmas.
*Ironically, my spellcheck is currently disabled for some undiscernable reason. I hate Macs.
1852251 Thanks, and Merry Christmas/Happy Hearth's Warming to you too.
Wow.
This Parasprite guy is pretty negative. I doubt that he knows what we writers go through.
1854286 he sort of does. He's doing something right, I've seen one of his stories featured. Either way, I'm listening to whatever makes sense, and some of you have given valid points, others have provided nothing but bullshit. We'll see what happens In chapter two, I'm speaking to the writer now.