When it's Love

Cadence and Shining need to wind down their stressful day and...just...relaaaaax.

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Softy8088

Softy8088 #1 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · ·

Constructive? I'll try.

Get the names right. Seriously, "Shining Aromor"? "Candence"? "Cadnece"? "Cadenece"? There are innocent typos, and there is not bothering to proofread. This is the second.

There are lot of sentences that are... frankly, childish is the only word for them. Here's an example:
"His dentist had told him that he needs to focus on the backs more so he had to put in a lot of effort to get way back there."
No offense, but adults don't talk like this, unless they're talking to children.

Then there's this gem:
"Cadence used he magic to flip the light switch to make it dark,"
Yeah, that kind of happens if you turn the lights off. That's just... bad writing right there.

Basically, I get the impression that you're quite young. That's not a bad thing in itself, but it shows through in your writing.
"Look away please honey"? Why? They're married; it's not like they haven't seen each other plenty of times.
Joking about constipation? You can do better than that.

This has the potential to be a nice "Slice of Life" moment, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Don't be discouraged, though. Try to put more care into your writing; proofread more.

Vegetation

Vegetation #2 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · ·

The first thing that came to my mind was, "rushed." This fic went by at the speed of a Formula One. Other than that, its ok, but dont take my word for it.
On a side note, I was listening to Van Halen's "When It's Love," before and while I read this. I didn't pick it; it was on a random playlist! Eerie!

Disponu