Hello there! Bet your wondering who I am aren't ya? Well considering that I am you I find that rather offensive. Hmm? Oh but I am you though! You see considering that you know nothing about me you immediately associated a voice to me, and when I said i was you, your brain created a mental link, see if you focus right now on this you'll hear your voice, not mine because i haven't got a voice. Anyway this is the story of a soul set apart from his destination, and the thing he waited his whole life to hear was never said, so he never got to know what the real sound of this voice is. But that's just the start! He woke up to a whole new kind of world, the one of my little pony! So now you can follow him as he finds the answers to the mysterious things that happened to him, and why his soul was set off course, and why is there a voice that sounds so familiar, yet so far away, and so close all at the same time! And discover why he has the same mental link as you and I have with, but Rainbow Dash, but with no-one else! So... I'll guide you through! Come on then let me show you a look at the story of a friendship, that is truly forever...
Thanks to all of you guys who read, this is my first real attempt at a story so rate fairly!
As always i don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Credit to This Guy for the wall paper: http://jykinturah.deviantart.com/art/Bound-Rainbow-Dash-294954362
YES I BEAT REGIDAR
FUCK YES
1667470>>1667472 Good job. Now you've learned that it's nothing special and has not real world value.
1667470
Achievement unlocked:
How the hell did you do that?
1667480 Shh. Let me feel special for a moment.
1667482 I've been attending to my blog.
1667485
I like how commenting has become about beating Regidar instead of talking about the stories, lol
Anyway I really have no idea what's going on in this, but I only skimmed it. Didn't look that interesting. tbh I only opened it because the art was cool.
On the other hand, if you can't tell what's going on after skimming it and reading the summary three times, something's wrong. Especially if the summary is still relatively coherent.
1667505
Isn't it all for the better? The mods are gonna ban "Regidaring" soon enough, just like firsting posts.
1667539
holy shit you're a verb
1667553 I always wanted to be a verb.
Thumbs up just for the awesome prologue.
1667485>>1667539>>1667553
I feel really bad for the author - 11 posts and apparently only 1 of them actually read the story. Many authors put a lot of time and effort, then go out on a limb to post their work hoping for attention and feedback. And you guys use this as a competition for posting comments that amount to nothing more than "I posted!" without even the courtesy of acknowledging the story on which you post.
To the author -
I'm not fond of the stories that start at the end and the rest of the story is a flashback. Once you have told the end you have eliminated all suspense, and the only question left is "how did they get there?". Just from the first three paragraphs we know most of the story.
As for the rest of the story - it's incoherent. You start in a hospital room with the protagonist dying, that's fine. Rainbow is there... how and why? This is a pretty huge plot point to just skip over by just saying "she's there".
There's also smoke outside the window as if a city is burning, and it's mentioned that all his loved ones are dead - is this important?
Next he dies - and you imagery is really bad. For one thing a "wall of nothing" in the middle of the "infinatness (not a word by the way) of nothing" is not sufficient. That's like saying a wall of water underwater. If there is something about that particular patch of nothingness, then you need to describe what's different about it.
Another thing about this portion is that you are describing it as if you are looking back and talking about it to someone, not as if the character is experiencing it. This makes it difficult to feel what the character is going through.
On the next part - he's alive again and in Equestria, and also in the past with Rainbow Dash. The first problem here, and it's a big one, is that you are simply telling us that he is feeling things without giving the reader a way to feel the same. He's heartbroken, now he's not... oh wait, now he's terrified. And now he's screaming... ok, that makes no sense.
Another major problem here is that little filly Dash is somehow okay with a completely unknown stranger of an unknown species randomly appearing in her room and screaming his head off.
Your grammar is a mess, but you are already looking for an editor, so I'm not going to comment on that anymore than this.
I like the concept of the story, but I am not thrilled by the execution.
I read the description with a Morgan Freeman voice
Always do
I think it would sound better if it was Zoidberg
i.qkme.me/71dn.jpg 1668223
1668336 yeah that voice also appears in occasion
1668375
I just felt with your mention of Zoidberg in the comment immediately after it fit soooo well.
1667920 Hey, I can't help what people do. To be fair, I ALWAYS read a story.
1667920
Oh but the beauty of it is that this isn't a flashback
1667920
and to build a bit more, on the whole "rainbow being okay with a stranger in her house" concept is actually supposed to make little sense, and i will explain all of the, what appears to be lack of detail, into what is actually a bit more deep
As for the whole lack of detail while I'm dead, i couldn't really explain what not existing would be like. You know considering I do exist
But I completely agree with you on my horrible grammar
thank you for the constructive criticism