The Sea-ponies

Sea Ponies are Awesome and Should be Canon in G450 stories ·162 members

A pony called Leon Horseshoes tells Twilight and her friends about the sea-ponies.
Twilight and her friends meet the sea-pony's in Aquatopia.
Too bad an acient evil escapes caled Dark Hydro.
Can Twilight and her friends save Aquatopia.

Chapters (6)

Chapter 2 The history of Leon Horseshoes. · 20th Jan 2012 · 527 words
527
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Chapter 1 a new pony in Pony-vile. · 12th Jan 2012 · 354 words
354
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Chapter 3 history of the sea ponies. · 20th Jan 2012 · 351 words
351
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Chapter 4 Searching for the sea-pony's. · 15th Jan 2012 · 594 words
594
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Chapter 5 A visit to Aquatopia · 23rd Jan 2012 · 430 words
430
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Chapter 6 The return of Dark Hydro. · 27th Jan 2012 · 960 words
960
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Comments ( 8 )

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Dutdh Pony Story Maker

Dutdh Pony Story Maker #1 · Jan 13th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 The history of Leon Horseshoes. ·

I accidently wrote chapter 1 on the wrong page.

Dutdh Pony Story Maker

Dutdh Pony Story Maker #2 · Jan 15th, 2012 · · · Chapter 3 history of the sea ponies. ·

I wrote about the sea-pony's because the still werent used in My liltle pony Friendship is magic.

Lucefudu

Lucefudu #3 · Jan 19th, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 A visit to Aquatopia ·

The plural of Sea Pony is Sea Ponies, not Sea Ponie's. You could also Ctrl+C/Ctrl+V and switch the first chapter with the second, maintaining the order correct. Just don't forget to change the chapter's names.

TwinkieSpy

TwinkieSpy #4 · Jan 19th, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 A visit to Aquatopia ·

I can't read this. At least add quotation marks so it's clearer who is saying what. Right now, I've no idea what's going on...

Dutdh Pony Story Maker

Dutdh Pony Story Maker #5 · Jan 20th, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 A visit to Aquatopia ·

I came from Holland.
This is my first story and my english is not so good.
I am quite clumsy with computers.
But may be you can all help me with writing.
But what ever happens always keep laughing.
Besides, why hasnt any one wrote a story about the Flutter ponies?

Dutdh Pony Story Maker

Dutdh Pony Story Maker #6 · Jan 22nd, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 A visit to Aquatopia ·

143000 Sorry this Hollander is not good in writing english stories.

opuscon789

opuscon789 #7 · Mar 12th, 2013 · · · Chapter 6 The return of Dark Hydro. ·

Ok I can read this clearly but since I have my own Seapony story. I'm going to try and review this.

I know you are from Holland so next time you should write the story in Dutch and put it on a google translator and translated into english.

First I would like to point out that the chapters need to be longer. In my story the chapters reached up to 1000 to 3000 words. The other thing is that its rushed. The story is going really fast. Slow down take your time.

Now on to the story.

One day in Pony-vile a new pony arrived.
Hello there said Twilight Sparkle,whats your name?
Mine name is Leon Horseshoes. Can i ask your name? Twilight Sparkle.

That part went really fast and where did that meet?

Hi i am Pinkie Pie and this is your welcome party.
How do you now that i am new here asked Leon.
Twilight told me about you. So when i heard there was a new pony in Pony-vile.
I had to held a welcome party. I never had a welcome party before.

This part makes no sense. How did Twilight know there was going to be a new pony in town and how did she tell Pinkie Pie? This part is also similar to a part in my story. Take a look!
Chapter 7:

“So, Pinkie Pie’s party is soon. Will you be ready to go then?” Twilight asked.
“I think so,” Numeral replied.
Twilight walked outside the library with a sudden loud burst of ponies saying “SURPRISE!” Pinkie and a whole crowd of ponies had gathered.
“Pinkie, I thought the party was later,” Twilight said.
“It was, but I decided to make it a surprise party,” Pinkie responded. Numeral walked outside.
“Wow, is this for me?” Numeral asked.
“Of course silly willy,” Pinkie said in excitement.

Moving on

At party he met Apple Jack Rainbow Dash Rarity and Flutter Shy.

Apple Jack is spelled Applejack. Flutter Shy is spelled Fluttershy. And your missing comas.

He also met the Cutie-mark Crusader's.

Its actually Cutie Mark Crusaders. And put more information like how the met.

Have you ever met a sea pony before asked spike. No i have not. But i found a clue about them.
a very old ancient tablet. Leon you don't have a ancient tablet said Twilight.

Where did he find the tablet?

When i was a little pony, my teacher told me that earth pony's take care for plants and animals.
She also told me that Pegasus's ponies control the weather and unicorns used their magic.
Teacher i want to ask something? What do you want to ask?
Who cares for the animals in the sea? I really don't now Leon.
Because my teacher didn't now, who cares for the sea animals.
I asked other ponies, the same questing. But no pony had one answer, about my questing.
I new there was something in the sea.

Good explaining here! Do that next time.

But one day i saw something. It was the tablet.
I asked some unicorns for help. I showed the tablet to professor Pony hoofs.
Professor Pony Hoofs did research on the tablet.
On one side of the tablet we saw a sea-pony and on the other side their history.

So that's where he got the tablet. Put that info much earlier. Its not Professor Pony Hooves, its Doctor Whooves. If this is a made up character then tell more info about him.

Professor Pony Hoofs told me their history.
A long time ago in Aquatopia the home of the sea ponies.
The sea ponies lived in harmony with all the animals in the sea.
Their ruler was princess Aquaria.
The sea ponies created beautiful coral for the sea animals.

How does he know the history if no pony knew what the seaponies are!? Explain Story! Explain.

Once every year the sea ponies were celebrating the moon festival.
The moon festival asked Twilight.
For the sea ponies the moon was really important. Why is that asked Spike.
When the moon comes, the sea level goes up answered Twilight.

I thought we had a full moon every month! So it should be every month. They do happen every month! Change that

How do you now that asked Rarity. I read it in a book answered Twilight.
Du's princess Luna now about the moon festival asked Pinkie Pie.
I don't think that princess Luna now about the festival.

Again very slimier to my story Take a look!
Chapter 11:

“So, the Princess of the Night is coming to visit?” Numeral said. “This is big news! Do you know how much we seaponies respect her? The moon affects our tides! We must alert everypony to clean up the place!”

The sea ponies didn't understand what was happening to the coral.
The tried to save the coral, but it was still dying and many fish lost their home.

Let me guess. Pollution

Twilight do you now a spell, so we can breathe underwater asked Leon.
A spell so we can breathe underwater, i never used a spell like that.

Again very similar.
Chapter 2:

“There was a spell in the book that allows ponies to be able to breathe underwater for three days. It looks a bit tough, but I think I can manage,” Twilight said. “Who wants to go first?”
“Me! Oh pick me!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, waving her hoof frantically in the air.
“Okay Pinkie. Here goes nothing,” Twilight said, channeling into her magic. She aimed it at the pink pony and Pinkie giggled.
“It…tickles!” Pinkie Pie said between fits of laughter. Twilight finished the magic.
“Okay Pinkie, jump in the water and try to breathe, okay?” Twilight said.
“Whee!” Pinkie Pie cried, jumping into the cool water beneath. She splashed the other two ponies and they shook themselves dry, slightly annoyed. Pinkie’s head popped back out of the waves.
“It works!” Pinkie announced.

Chapter 8:

“I know one but the one I use, I can only jump short distances. I’ll look it up. Hold on,” Twilight said. She headed into the library. She found the spell quickly and then made a plan. She just couldn’t let Numeral go alone, so she renewed her breathing underwater spell and decided she would jump in the portal after Numeral.

Chapter 10:

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy. Rarity will do great!” Spike encouraged. Rarity did the breathe underwater spell on everypony and Spike.

Chapter 11:

“Oh, but there are,” Twilight said earnestly. “Come and see for yourself it’s right off the coast of Waterhorse! But you’ll need to perform a breathe underwater spell first.”

We also need a submarine said Leon.
I can ask some pony's to built one said princess Celestia.
Tree months later. The submarine was finished.

Umm... There is ground breaking technology in Equestria I guess.

I call it the deep sea-pony said Leon Horseshoe.

That's an un creative name

Twilight how is your spell going asked Leon. I still need a little more practice answered Twilight.
Two days later. I finally finished the spell. Twilight tested her spell in a bathtub.

Um this might be my dark humor but this sounds like Twilight is committing suicide
Also in my story me and my partner came up with an underwater bathtub. Take a look:
Chapter 11:

“Do you have a shower or whatever you call it?” Fluttershy asked.
“Of course, down the hall to the left,” Numeral directed.
“Thanks,” she said, barely audible. She quickly swam away.
“I wonder how the showers work here?” Twilight asked.
“We have jets that shoot out air bubbles,” Numeral said nonchalantly. “What do you do?”
“Water...” Twilight said.
“Ah, yes, I see how it could be confusing,” Numeral said.
“Well from the soap I use I think that bubbles clean too,” Pinkie said as she blew a bubble from her mouth.
“How are you doing that?” Rainbow asked.
“I don’t know. I just did it,” Pinkie replied.

Twilight is going to use her new spell asked Rainbow Dash.
She only uses her new spell in case of a emergence.
Wat kind of an emergence asked Rarity. If the air in our scuba diving outfit runs out said Leon.
Then Twilight can save us said Rainbow Dash. exactly said Twilight.

...WHAT!. *Goes crasy* I'm sorry. I can go though this in one take. Excuse me as I go look at myself in the mirror and cry.
One Minute Later...
Ah-
If Twilight has a breath underwater spell then there is no need to have scuba gear. I have that in my story. They don't have the technology in Equestria to have scuba gear. In my story, we had a spell to replace that. Why use for emergences?.

The puled the sea-pony away from the rocks. Thank you for helping me.
Mine name is Coral.
I am Leon Horseshoes and these are Twilight Sparkle Apple Jack Pinkie Pie Rarity Rainbow Dash and Flutter Shy.

Again very close to my story.
Chapter 10:

“But...but!” Pinkie said, looking back at the two. When she turned around, she was face to face with a seapony. This seapony was white with a red mane and a scroll as her cutie mark.
“Oh, I haven’t met you before! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m the Mayor of Atlantores. Coral Reef is my name. You’re not from around here, are you?” Coral Reef asked, pointing out Pinkie’s legs.
“Yeah, I’m actually from up there!” Pinkie said, gesturing to the surface above them.
“You’re from the top of the water?” Coral asked.
“No, silly! I’m from the land,” Pinkie replied.
“That would explain the legs, then,” Coral said.

How did you got under those rocks asked Apple Jack.
I was chased by a kraken. Whats a kraken asked Flutter Shy. Its giant octopus.

We also have a octopus in my story!
Chapter 3:

They were talking loud. It was loud enough to wake up a sleeping giant. A large octopus rose up and floated before them. With its tentacles it snatched Twilight.
“Help me!” she yelled.
Rainbow swam around with her wings and tries to confuse the giant creature. Pinkie swam to Twilight to save her, but she got snatched but the octopus. Both Twilight and Pinkie started to suffocate as the animal squeezed tight. Rainbow circled the octopus, but the octopus grabbed her as well. Everypony soon became unconscious and were unable to move.

My home is in Aquatopia. I can show you the way.

In my story the town was called Alantores

Princess Luna would be honored to see this temple.
Coral did you ever heard about Princess Luna asked Twilight. No answered Coral.
Twilight told Coral about princess Luna. How Luna was banished to the moon.
How she was defeated by Twilight and her friends. She also told Coral about Nightmare night.

Again very similar.
Chapter 11:

“I will give you one chance, I will come down myself and see if you are telling the truth. I will be there at midday,” Luna said.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing me,” Twilight said excitedly.
“Don’t thank us yet. We are quite skeptical,” Luna responded.
“See you here, Luna.” Twilight’s dream ended.

Chapter 12:

“Twilight, my tail is twitching again!” Pinkie yelled.
“Then why did you come next to me?” Twilight asked.
“Hey Twilight, you're standing under the Princess’s boat,” Rainbow told Twilight. Twilight looked up to find an anchor falling on top of her.
“I should have seen that coming,” Twilight mumbled. The anchor landed on her.
“Your Princess of the Night has arrived!” Luna bellowed as she was riding the anchor, it frightening the nearby ponies. “I mean, your Princess of the Night has arrived.” She said the second part softer, which made the seaponies less scared. Then every land pony bowed.
“Where’s Twilight?” Luna asked.
“Um, underneath ya,” Applejack said. Luna looked under the acer to find Twilight blacked out.
“Oops, we are most sorry,” Luna said nervously. Rainbow pulled Twilight out from under the large object.

Chapter 6 is fine to me right now. What did I think of this story?
Grammer: Bad (But your from another country so keep working on it)
Plot: Good
The story is Ok to me but there are some plot holes you need to fix. A couple time you got close to ripping off my version. Keep working. That's my time.

Tristar Paramount