• Member Since 20th Jun, 2012
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Starwin


Writer of stories!

E

The sun has stopped moving causing the surface of Equestria to become boiling hot. Twilight and friends must set out in search of answers in a hostile environment, with the never ending wrath of the sun beating down on them. Their travels will take them across Equestria and bring them face to face with their worst fears.

Chapters (28)
Comments ( 555 )

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay, I've calmed down and read the synopsis.:twilightblush: This is being read IMMEDIATELY after I've finished what I'm doing. Expect a short review(with spoilers), as is customary for when I get a FIRST!

Post Read
Nevermind.... Very good chapter, but i don't feel inspired enough to go through with it. I'll just give the highlights.
-Awesome characterization. You are capturing the Mane 6 pretty well here, even better than in your other story.
-Pretty good vanilla. This chapter, at least, felt like it could have happened in an episode. I can see the direction is going to quickly go away from that, but it's pretty cool to open like that.

Interesting... Will have to read later...

The sun has stopped moving causing the surface of Equestria boiling hot.

I think you forgot a couple words...

Anyhow, I'm just finishing The Empty Room and I'll be reading this next. :pinkiehappy:

dang nab it, now I want to know more!

How is this # 2 in the featured box? It only has seven thumbs up! MY story has more than that!

Ah, there we go. Send a letter to Luna and have her cause an eclipse.

Problem solved :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Sun stopped moving? Quick everypony make for the Twilight Zone!

"There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to-"

Not that twilight zone! The one between night and day, where you will be able to stay cool without freezing.

1787274

Because the feature box works on an algorithm that takes multiple factors into account, including time sensitive ones.

As alwais Twilight get very little information to work out with.

The worse case scenario, Celestia got corupted and want to keep Twilight away until she burn in the sun or someone else send false letter to make sure they would not interfere.

Mane 6 realy get very little informations from Celestia on they missions, it is miracle they are still alive.

Question: Why can't they take the train?


MMmmmmmm ... Luna tags with no Luna.

Do not disappoint us in chapter two. Thou would not likest us when we art enraged.

Now that's a story concept I've never seen before. Looking forward to reading.

Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.... face your future!

More!!!!!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Looks promising! I await the next chap!:twilightsmile:

An apocalyptic story? Yes please!

"“I know you’re frightened,” continued Twilight. “But now is not the time for fear." That comes later. :banemask:

:trollestia: Good......good...... embrace your hatred

:twilightoops: What?

definetly a read later.

btw, AUDIOSLAVE TITLE!!!!! :pinkiehappy:

I swear I've read that scene where Spike fails to send a letter to Celestia before.

Might as well put this in the Lunaverse group, or something similar.:twilightblush:
Anyway, I look forward to reading it (tomorrow).

Seems good so far. Two spelling/grammar issues though. The first is that you keep saying "Sweetie Bell" instead of "Sweetie Belle". There's an "e" at the end. The second is that you refer to the CMC as "assistance", when it should be "assistants", the plural of assistant.

Consider me intrigued, I'll be following this.

1794195
Thank you very much, spelling mistakes corrected :twilightsmile:

Just reading description reminds me of this fiction Let's Just Say

1786583 You read The Empty Room? Did you like it? Because I read it and I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it!:twilightsmile:

I'm going to be honest here and say I didn't read the story but I'm going to butthurt anyway. The sun in Equestria is controlled by Princess Celestia. So is she a part of the problem?

1786593
Cutest motherbucking picture EVER. I can't stand little frizzes of fur here and there (D'AWW), and what's with the hind-hooves? They're so adorable.
Not to mention how RD looks with glasses. Good Gawd!

Love it so far! :pinkiehappy:

I found a small grammatical error though:
"Um, hello?" said Pinikie Pie, waving a hoof in front of Applejack. "Didn't you read the letter form Celestia, it said 'do not come to Canterlot!"

Pinkie has a sad at this. :pinkiesad2:

The second sentence of this paragraph should look more like this:
"Didn't you read the letter from Celestia? It said 'do not come to Canterlot!'"

Hope this helps. :twilightsmile:

1787274
Involves speed in which it receives likes. Apparently this got many in a small amount of time, therefore putting it in the featured was necessary. :twilightsmile:

1795767
Corrected thank you very much :twilightsmile: I should have seen that one, it got a red underline and everything! Of course when you use 'words' like everypony, red lines are everywhere!

1786583
And also a big thank you for the catch in the description! :twilightblush:

1795847 This is quite an interesting idea.:twilightsmile:I'll most definitely be following this until the end:pinkiehappy: I did however notice a few grammatical errors :twilightblush:, but I'm not a grammar Nazi. :ajsmug: I eagerly await more :moustache:

SPOILER ALERT!!!
Note that almost all questions I ask are intended to be rhetorical. All suggestions are to be taken with a grain of salt, I don't claim to be a better writer than you, just that a second(or third, or...) set of eyes, and a different set of cognitive tools is often useful.



panicle
-You probably meant "pinnacle".

You said he could have the day off when you agreed to let us be your assistance.
-"assistants" (unless you meant to have her use rather bizarre/improper word-choice.

“If Spike gets back before us, I need you to have him send a letter Princess Celestia right away. Can you do that?”
-And here I thought it would be something to try to keep them out of trouble.

“Seriously though, don’t touch anything else.”
-Ah... well that is about as good an effort as she can reasonably come up with on the spot.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash galloped as fast as they could through the streets of Ponyville.
-I realize that it would make the sentence more complex and/or odd, but just about the only time I can think of that Rainbow Dash ever galloped was during the barrel-weave and Running of the Leaves in "Fall Weather Friends". She CAN gallop just fine, it is just she prefers to fly. Try "Twilight galloped as fast as she could through the streets of Ponyville. Dash flapping along above her." or something like that (because if Dash is flying and then there is not question that if they were both going all out Dash would be outpacing her by a large margin). Also, I THINK I have heard that short sentences give the impression of speed and/or tension more.

Without waiting another moment, Twilight and Rainbow rushed out the door, galloping for the center of town.
-If you change the last thing I mentioned, you should probably change this too.

Twilight could feel the heat rising up from the ground.
-Wouldn't that only happen on black-top? I don't think normal dirt absorbs enough heat to feel hotter than the sun.

“It’s Twilight Sparkle!” exclaimed a pony. “She’ll know what to do!”
“Yeah, ask her! She’s Celestia’s student!” shouted another.
-Be careful with this. Ponies listen when Twilight takes charge, but general citizens of Ponyville don't automatically turn to her for help. Then again, "problem with sun" -> "Celestia's problem" -> "Student of Celestia" makes enough sense for this to be an exception.

along side
-alongside

It looked just like every other letter Twilight had ever gotten from her mentor.
-He often reads her mail to her, and given the crisis, I would think he would just open it if it weren't marked "private". Then again, maybe not. He might not want to have been tempted into discussing matters with other ponies and NOT read the letter as a way of helping him avoid that.

But then everypony started panicking and I wanted to see what was going on… and…”
-So is the implication that he just forgot it in all the excitement.

She has placed me in charge of making sure everypony in Ponyville is safe while she works to fix the sun.
-Well, that would imply that she isn't SICK. Discord can override her, but I get the impression that whoever's time of day it is has the advantage in any conflict between the Sisters. Which is good because I really really don't like the idea that Luna is still a villain. Not that I think many people still write those sorts of stories. The Nightmare as a separate entity could work though. Although, to me, none of those really mesh the "epic journey" that I think the summary implied.

“We can’t stay out in the sun, we need to go someplace where it’s cooler. If you have a cellar, then I want you to go down into it. Bring as much food and water as you can.
-Well, she is taking this REALLY seriously if she is already wanting them to take things to that level. Maybe the Princess asked her to? The other logical step would be to deploy all available clouds to maximize both shade and stored water (which could mean leaving the water in the clouds, but that wouldn't really be accessible once the temperature passes starts hitting 120 F or so).

“These are instructions from Celestia!”
-Ok then.

the ponies began to disburse.
-I THINK that "disburse" is for giving out money, and you want "disperse".

“I’ve never seen you talk like that before. You almost sounded like Celestia! You were so strong, so assertive, so…”
-So how is this different from "Winter Wrap-Up", "Dragonshy", and/or "It's About Time"?

“The letter didn’t say any of those things. That was all me. I had to do something. They needed to get indoors, not be out here in a panic.”
-Ah... so Celestia probably IS sick or Nightmarized. The letter could be from Luna.

‘Whatever happens, do not come to Canterlot.’ It was unsigned.
-Well... that could be a LOT of things. She could be sick, nightmarized and plotting to keep the Bearers away from the Elemental Harmony Regalia (As of "A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2" they can open the vault themselves). Discord... simply cooking everypony is not his style. Luna/Independent Nightmare could try it to keep them away. I would think that writing back and asking for more details would be indicated, but it probably won't help unless the lines of communication are still functioning, it is just that a third, villainous, party can ALSO send letters. Sending somepony ELSE to scout it out, or sending Rainbow Dash up with the best telescope she can lift to look at Canterlot might help clarify matters, especially if Twilight can put a cooling spell on her, and enchant the telescope to sit stably on a cloud. Of course, we don't know how stable a platform a cloud is, so the usable magnification on the telescope might be limited. It is worth noting that my personal fanon is that pegasi have eagle-quality vision, so if your's is similar (including because I inspired you), then she might not need the telescope so much. Maybe just a pair of binoculars(which we have seen her using before)?

She didn’t address it, or sign it, but I recognized her hoofwriting.
-Does she recognize it well enough it couldn't be faked? I can't see her writing it under threat of hostages being killed (least of all herself). She knows the price of such things in the long-term. On the whole though, I'm inclined to take this at face value. Doesn't mean Twilight should.

“So, we just need to send a letter to her and ask,” said Rarity calmly. “I’m sure that should clear things up right away.”
-They actually have good reason to think it won't, but, as I said, it is worth a try.

“I’m sorry Twilight!” said Spike in surprise. “I don’t know what happened! I tried to send it, just like always, but… but it didn’t work!”
-Ok, so does that mean "recipient dead/comatose", "recipient has letters blocked at this time", "line cut in middle", or "line cut at other end"? I can't see someone casting a spell on SPIKE without him noticing.
-Wild speculation time to let you see what goes through my brain, at least when I am slowing down to type up these analyses: Maybe Celestia's magic is running wild, and the controlled magical burning isn't happening right because everything is set to "flambe". She could be experiencing the non-radioactive equivalent of a nuclear melt-down personally. In other words, in good health, except that her body temperature is so high that it melts rock at a hundred paces.
-Come to that, it would be ironic if this turned out to be what happens when she gets sick enough to be running a fever. I doubt that is the problem as she would probably put all her energy into teleporting/high altitude flight to a much less populated area. I would say that Luna would carry/teleport her, but I rather think that Luna is more immune to cold than heat. She might be able to use Darkness to negate radiative heating, if you blend science and magic that way. It would probably take an alicorn level disease maker to actually create a disease that wouldn't be knocked out by a mere 400 F of body heat(seriously, 212 F kills most if not all microbes)... wait, never mind. She could have caught it from either a dragon or a phoenix. I mean Spike got the sniffles at the end of "Winter Wrap-Up".
-Speaking of phoenixes, I wonder if she could use Philamena to send messages. I don't know if Philamena can do much more than Lassie level communication, at least with most ponies but, then again, Fluttershy isn't most ponies, and I would tend to think that, if anything, The Stare is the only ability she has that doesn't have some peer. Philamena may have been sent other places first, since Twilight is a competent civic leader in emergencies.
-[/rampant speculation (for the moment... this is a thing I do)]

But this time, only the faintest gasp of flame escaped his mouth, not even enough to singe the paper. “Again!” Spike blew again, but to much the same results. “Again!” shouted Twilight.
-Ok, that would imply that something is targeting Spike remotely to break the lines of communication. It is also possible that all (magical?) fire is being co-oped by Celestia either as "Nightmare Flare", or because her magic (or immune system?) have gone crazy. A quick set of experiments with lighting a candle with her magic and lighting a mundane fire could test that out. Then again, your version of Twilight may be rather lacking in her scientific field-work skills, which are generally things learned AFTER you have library research down pat. For example, consider the difference between a master's thesis (library research) and a Doctoral Dissertation (laboratory/field research for which such things actually exist).
-Of course, she might be able to directly sense the way that is inherent magic is failing and/or might have instruments around that would help. The events of "Secret of My Excess" might tend to argue against that though.
-I wonder when Fluttershy will start worrying about her animals?

“No,” said Twilight, not looking up from her spot on the ground. “We can’t.”
-So they are going to be spending the entire story under ground? I suppose that between Spike's gem-mining experience, Twilight's extremely powerful telekinesis, and Applejack's farm-girl physique and practical experience, they might be able to dig there way into the Diamond Dog tunnels and then go from there. Alternatively, the supernatural shade of the Everyfree Forest might be partially proof against the burning sun. Of course, this COULD just mean that the ponies who are saying it can't be done are the ones who noticed the familiar purple sphere around Canterlot despite the obvious distraction.

“Canterlot is two days away at a gallop,” answered Fluttershy. “Even flying it’s nearly a full day’s journey. If Twilight is right and this heat is going to get worse then there is no way we could make it there.”
-Ok, so merely the problems with travelling through the equivalent of Death Valley (or worse). Rarity probably has enough mirrors to reflect the heat rather than absorbing it if held above them with telekinesis, plus a cooling spell (Assuming Twilight knows one or can look it up fast enough), PLUS AJ pulling a wagon full of water-barrels MIGHT do the trick, but not necessarily both ways if they really did have to turn back at the city limits of Canterlot. I don't think Pee Wee is old enough to carry a message either. Spike might make it solo if you are considering his ability to dive into lava without getting burned to mean that he can only be burned by magical heat, but then again this heatwave might count as magical heat if the effect is run-away enough. Even so it would take him longer than two days, and it would mean that all chance of other contact would be gone.

“I think my magic could shield us from the sun,” said Twilight a little despondently. “But not galloping and not for two days straight. So we can’t go, because, we can’t.”
-So they can only take short hops between cellars? They might be able to make it to the Diamond Dog's tunnel network at the same place they got in the first time. If none of them are guarding the surface then they might have an easier time getting in. Of course, if Rarity is "The Tyrant of the Underdark"(Credit to Sun_Tzu from forum.rpg.net) in your continuity it might be very easy to be allowed in if they can only get there.

-Related to the animals before, I wonder if AJ will say something about ecological damage to plants? Or at least her apple trees?

“I don’t see how a party is going to improve things Pinkie,” said Applejack, rolling her eyes.
-50/50 shot this is what she intends.

“A party? No, don’t be silly!”
-So no then.

“We need to help as many ponies in Ponyville as we can. If we can’t go to Canterlot, then we need to do whatever we can here.”
-Good idea, but thinking a little small for their skills. Might be all they can do, but I suspect more is possible at their level of power.

“Pinkie is right,” said Twilight, slowly getting back up to her hooves, some of her determination returning. “We need to help however we can until all this is over.”
-Ah, so the enlargement of scope that will PROBABLY happen will be occurring in a later chapter.

1796414 I shall endeavor to read your comment out of simple respect for you to take your time and compose such a mesage.

This is a fantastic start. I'm also glad that updates will be consistent. Oh, the possibilities...

I like where this is going. Please, do go on.

1790828 Ha! :rainbowlaugh: How did I miss that?

Well, this sounds fun. I shall endeavor to read this soon.

1796414
First off, let me thank you for taking the time to read my work and leave me such a wonderfully detailed comment full of fantastic feedback, insightful critiques and corrections. I value every comment (and PM (and e-mail)) any reader has ever sent me as if it were made of gold (and if they were made of gold I could buy my own island and retire from just the corrections alone! But I would still write fanfiction). I write fanfiction to become better at it (and because I love candy colored ponies) and every piece of feedback helps me improve!

So, responses. Obviously there are questions and speculation I can't answer (although I very much enjoyed reading your comments), but I will try to answer what I can.

-panicle - fixed (yes I did, and darn if it didn't have a red line under it.)
-assistance - previously fixed, already found by EricaC78, but thank you all the same :twilightsmile:
-CMC instructions - I did start out with that, but it never felt right.
-don't touch anything - played more for laughs (at least I hope) than anything else.
-Gallop and flight - I can certainly see you're point for now I think I am going to leave it with galloped.
-Heat from the ground - sand and dirt can still reflect heat (deserts for example)
-Help us Twilight - From a story telling sense I can see why the citizens of Ponyville don't go to her for help, but from a logic sense it has always bothered me that they never ask. I mean, Celestia asks her all the time! In this case however, I think it works, if for no other reason than the one you mentioned.
-along side - fixed.
-Spike and the letter - and that Rarity was distracting him.
-Twilight in charge - no comment :twilightsmile:
-Taking things seriously - yes, yes she is
-From Celestia - kinda of... but you know... not really...
-Disburse - fixed
-talk like that - Twilight, now with even more authority than before (no 20% jokes here)
-Letter doesn't say - no comment :twilightsmile:
-Do not come to Canterlot - no comment (although I loved the speculation and ideas) :twilightsmile:
-hoofwriting - I would say yes, Twilight is fairly confident it came from Celestia (doesn't mean it isn't a fake) but she believes it to be real. Although, Celestia most likely didn't use a hoof to write it, the word 'style' just didn't have the same kind of feeling to it.
-Letter to Celestia - Twilight might have feeling it won't work, which she does, Rarity, maybe not as much.
-it didn't work! - Celestia installed call block on her horn so she can screen calls from Twilight... anyone feel free to make comic out of that...
-wild speculation - I am really enjoying your speculations, and I see some stories from you which I think I'm going to check out...
-Again! - No comment :twilightsmile:
-Fluttershy's animals - cut her dialog for pacing, end is already way too wordy. But she is worried about her animals. Not sure if I can work it into later chapters with so much already going on but I'm trying.
-We can't. - no comment :twilightsmile:
-Two days away - no comment, but I think your ideas are really creative :twilightsmile:
- magic could shield us - no comment (had to delete spoiler response) :twilightsheepish:
-ecological damage - (slight spoiler) yes
-party! - added for laughs
-no party - because even Pinkie know when it's time to be serious... some times... banana... :pinkiecrazy:
-we need to help - for the moment, it's just the best they can do with what they have.
-Pinkie is right - spoilers... so... no comment :twilightsmile:

Thank you again, I very much enjoyed reading your comments and getting your feedback.

1797280
(hoofwriting) Although, Celestia most likely didn't use a hoof to write it, the word 'style' just didn't have the same kind of feeling to it.
-I didn't catch that problem, but I believe that the two terms most of the fans have settled on are "hornwriting" and "mouthwriting". I happen to love lexicon building like that, but I will leave you to judge their "feeling" for yourself.

and I see some stories from you which I think I'm going to check out...
-Ok. Here let me prep you a bit, because I am a nervous sort:
--Scratching a Diamond: Start with this one.
--Try-Out: This one is a bit rough editing-wise, but it couldn't be helped. I'll fix it up when I have time and/or further critique.
--The Two Deaths of Fluttershy: Ok, this one is the doozy. Basically, if you don't like it, please contact me via PM because <spoiler>. Also, you might want to be fully alert when reading this, because there are a lot of things that are maybe... hard to wrap one's brain around, especially in the last chapter. Speaking of the last chapter, if you get that far, I have a question for you.

Come on Rainbow let’s go get him.

You might wanna fix the commas in that sentence...

Come on, Rainbow, let’s go get him.

Anyway. This looks interesting so far!

1788103 Yes! On the Terminator line, just in time! Wait... If it's noon in Ponyville... Welp, they're screwed.

1799006
Pfft commas! We, don't, need, no, stinkin, commas,! :rainbowwild:
Silliness aside, corrected, although slightly different from your suggestion.

"Come on Rainbow, let's go get him!"

Thank you for very much :twilightsmile:

1799334
No problem, really but... Well, without that first comma that bit reads "Come on Rainbow" with no pause which is... not what I think you meant to say. I may be the only who automatically jumped to a sex thing, but my mind is the place where dirty jokes go to die. I guess it's up to you, though! Happy to be of assistance.

Very interesting start.
Also that was pretty clever Twilight.

-Be careful with this. Ponies listen when Twilight takes charge, but general citizens of Ponyville don't automatically turn to her for help.

In this seasons Pinkie episode they immediately did.

1789249

If it runs on a motor, it may be unable to cool off well enough to run due to the heat.

An epic adventure fic, and this time I'm around from its beginning rather than catching up on something already completed! :yay: Count me excited. The initial obstacle keeping the heroes from reaching Canterlot seems pretty solid (unless one remembers that Twilight can flippin' teleport, not that such a skill could possibly come in handy in any way...). Well, if it isn't teleporting, I do anticipate seeing how they get past that dilemma and set off on their adventure. This is all giving me the same vibes as the first few chapters as It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door, but I'm not expecting quite that much. You're obviously a fine writer who's got a plan, but Dangerous Business is top tier and coming close to it would be an epic achievement.

I'm also looking forward to seeing how much each individual character's skill sets will be of value to the group's accomplishments. That's one of the things that made DB so good, and it's an important element in any fanfic of this kind. Applejack will no doubt have a lot to contribute both physically and emotionally, but I'm really excited to see how much of a hero Spike's going to be. Guy's proven he can handle this sht, and since he's the character I relate to the most, I'm gonna be watchin him. Good luck with the rest of this.

1801312

In this seasons Pinkie episode they immediately did.

Oh, yes. Good point.

1804653
She has performed exactly ONE teleport on that range-scale... admittedly a bit further than that distance probably.

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