“Having just met you, I wouldn’t go as far as calling you a cold-hearted bastard, but it wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine. You think of women as disposable pleasures instead of meaningful pursuits.”
***
James watched in silence, peeking through a gap in the curtains, as the mob of ponies slowly dispersed and went back to their daily lives. Inwardly, he cursed himself for being so reckless; stumbling into an unknown location like he did was not one of his smarter decisions.
Still, Lady Luck had seen fit to smile upon him, as the hostility of the crowd had been defused by one lone mare. A purple unicorn, if his memory served him correctly. He made a mental note to thank her should he ever cross paths with her again. For now, though, he had to focus on the problem of getting back home. He would obviously have to find a pony capable of performing the same spell that Quill did. In the rush to escape from the castle, it completely slipped his mind that he could have simply asked her to do it. Bloody idiot, he thought to himself.
He was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of a light knocking on his door. Finally pulling himself away from the window, he walked over and began to open it cautiously. Opening it just wide enough to see through properly, he saw the purple unicorn that had stood up for him not five minutes ago. She looked nervous, as if she didn’t quite know what to say.
“Yes?” James asked, as she looked up at him. “Can I help you?”
She seemed to snap herself out of some sort of trance. “Yes, um, hi!” she said nervously. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She beamed at him.
Bond just stood there for a moment, unsure of how to react. She didn't say anything else, so he decided to continue. "And?"
The mare blinked and snapped out of her own little world once again. "Oh! Sorry. I'm the local librarian, and I, on behalf of everypony here, would like to welcome you to Ponyville!"
007 nodded slowly. "Right. I noticed how they were all welcoming me with open arms."
She picked up on his sarcasm. "Yeah, sorry about that. We've been going through some tough times recently, so everypony's a little on edge."
James nodded again. "Well, I suppose you have questions?"
"Well, I, um..." the unicorn stuttered.
Bond cut her off. "Who am I kidding, of course you do." He opened the door, allowing her to enter. "You might as well come in then. Make yourself comfortable."
She thanked him and stepped through into his room. She looked around for a few moments, examining the place, before sitting down on the sofa next to the bed. James wasn't quite sure what he was about to get himself into, but he figured there was no use in hiding anything from the ponies. Seeing as he was an alien to them, this probably counted as first contact. Besides, maybe she knew someone who could help him get home, or, at least, help him get to Canterlot so Quill could instead.
He took a deep breath, before closing the door and turning to face the lavender unicorn. "So, what did you want to know, Twilight?" he asked simply.
"Well, your name, for a start," she told him as he slowly sat down on his bed, yawning.
"James Bond," he answered simply. "Nice to meet you, Twilight Sparkle," he said with a slight smile, holding out his hand to her. She grinned in excitement, before taking it and shaking politely.
"So, Mr. Bond," she continued. "You said you came from a long way away. How far away do you live, and how did you get here?"
007 pondered on this for a moment, considering the best way to answer her. "How far? No idea, but I'm pretty sure it's nowhere on this earth. As for how I got here..." he paused for a second, jogging his memory. "Well, the last thing I remember is falling into a ravine. I passed out, and woke up here."
"You fell into a ravine?" Twilight asked, puzzled.
"Off a moving train, actually." He smiled at her confused expression. "Let's just call it a workplace hazard." She eyed him quizzically, before starting to speak. However, James cut her off. “So, you’re the studious type, Miss Sparkle? Always eager to learn something new?”
Her eyes widened as she looked up at him. “Wait, what? How did you know? You’ve only just met me!”
“Well, it wasn’t too hard to figure out; you’re pretty easy to read. Besides, you wouldn’t even be up here if you weren’t,” he answered smoothly.
“Anypony can get curious,” she countered quickly, blushing slightly.
“True. However, the fact that you were seemingly star-struck when you first laid eyes upon me, coupled with the fact that you practically jumped at the opportunity to shake my hand says otherwise,” the agent told her, smirking. “Also, your reaction now leads me to believe that I’ve dampened your pride somewhat, and now you’re trying to cover it up.”
The unicorn stared at him for a moment, speechless. “Wow, you’re good,” she finally managed to say.
“So I’ve been told.”
There was a brief moment of awkward silence as Twilight tried to decide what to say next. James just sat there patiently, eying her closely. She seemed wary, as if she was out of her comfort zone. He shouldn’t have been surprised. After all, he was an alien to them. Still, she was acting better than the other residents of the town, so he could only assume her curiosity had overridden any doubts she had.
“Where do humans come from?” the mare asked suddenly, catching him off-guard slightly. “I’ve never seen or even heard about a creature like you.”
“Earth,” he told her. “I come from a planet called Earth.” God, that sounds so painfully cliché.
“You mean you’re from another planet? Not just a land we haven’t discovered yet?”
“Well, since talking ponies don’t actually exist at all on my planet, I can safely say we don’t share the same home world,” he replied. “Apparently another unicorn brought me here using a complicated teleportation spell, or something.”
Twilight didn’t seem to hear him, however, as she was too busy feeling giddy at the prospect of life beyond her own planet. “Oh, this is amazing!” she exclaimed. “Of all the ponies in the world, it’s actually me who gets to make first contact with another form of life!”
Bond considered telling her that she was not the first pony to actually talk to him properly, but he thought it a bit cruel to burst her bubble of excitement. Instead, he opted to clear his throat to draw her attention. “Do you know anything about the kind of teleportation spells that could bring me here?” he asked her.
She snapped out of her ecstasy and looked at him. “Maybe. I might have some books on complicated teleportation back at the library. They’re not easy to pull off though, and some even believe that they’re just myths.”
“Could you show me?” he asked her, standing up.
“Of course!” she beamed at him again, hopping up onto her hooves. “Follow me.”
James nodded and followed her, adjusting his tie as he stepped through the door. He took care to lock it before following the mare down the hotel stairs. They were both about to go outside when she stopped in her tracks. She sniffed a couple of times, before gagging and putting a hoof to her snout.
“Ugh, what’s that smell?”
James raised an arm and took a sniff. “I think it’s me, I’m ashamed to say. Trekking through the jungle for three or so hours tends to work up a sweat. Sorry.”
“No problem, I guess,” Twilight replied understandingly. “There’s a shower at my place; you’re welcome to use it.” He nodded as they stepped outside into the midday heat. Practically all of the ponies in town had gotten over the earlier disturbance, and were busy going about their day. A few still shot 007 wary glances, but otherwise stayed out of his way.
“So tell me, James,” Twilight spoke up as she lead him back through the quaint town. “What’s life like on your planet? What’s it like to live on Earth?”
“It varies,” he answered simply. “Though, from what I’ve seen, some of it is very similar to society here.”
“Really?” the unicorn wondered, intrigued. “How so?”
“Well, the architecture, for a start.” Bond motioned to the thatched houses and cottages all around them. “Your whole town is very similar to a typical countryside village. Well, one that is about five hundred years before my time, anyway.”
“Fascinating,” Twilight murmured. James could easily tell that she was making mental notes that she would write down on paper later. “So are all settlements similar to this?”
“No. Cultures vary, and settlements can vary from a village with about fifty people to a city with millions.” He looked around at all the sights as he continued to walk, intrigued. “I think the best way to describe your town is that it looks like something from fantasy.”
“So what you’re saying is, Ponyville is almost identical to a place you would read about in a fantasy novel?”
Bond shrugged. “Something like that, I suppose.”
They both continued to discuss the details of each others society on the walk back to the library. Twilight seemed to have trouble understanding that, even though England had a monarch, the queen wasn’t the governmental power in his country. Bond had to explain to her the fine details of modern politics, something she wasn’t used to. James also found it hard to believe that the same princess could rule the land for over one thousand years, but her figured it was just another thing to add to the pile of things that didn’t make sense. Well, I am in some sort of magical land, he supposed.
“Well, here we are,” Twilight announced, stopping. “Welcome to the Golden Oaks library!”
Bond looked up at the unusual structure. It was a tree. A library inside a tree. Now I’ve seen everything, he thought, chuckling as she lead him inside.
“Spike!” the mare called out. “Are you here? Spike!”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, Twilight.” Following the sound of the younger voice, Bond looked upstairs to see a small purple reptilian emerge. They locked eyes for a second, before Twilight spoke up again.
“Spike, this is James. He’s the human that showed up earlier, remember?” She smiled at him. “James, this is Spike, my assistant. He’s a dragon.”
Another one to the pile. “Right...” He managed to look up at the dragon, who hopped down the stairs. “Good to meet you.”
“Likewise, pal.” The reptile seemed friendly enough, holding out a tiny claw towards James. He shook it gently, before turning back to Twilight.
“Do you have those books, then?”
“I should do,” she told him, “but it might take me awhile to find them. I haven’t reshelved or sorted this place in ages.” She pointed a hoof up the stairs. “Use the shower if you’d like. First door on the right.”
Bond considered this for a moment. Why not? “Okay then, thanks.” He nodded to her and jogged up the stairs into the upstairs hallway, eager to clean himself up. Stepping into the bathroom, he threw off his jacket and turned on the shower. The warm water sprayed from the nozzle as he stripped off and stepped inside, sighing in relief and comfort. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent shower. The water splashing across his aching skin relaxed him somewhat, and he was able to better focus on the tasks that lay ahead for him.
After making sure to wash himself properly, he stayed inside the shower for about ten minutes, winding down. Hopefully now everyone around him wouldn’t be quite as hostile, so he could finally get onto the task of getting home. That being said, he wasn’t in a rush. Everything here was so peaceful, and he had all the time in the world. He could afford to relax for a bit. Maybe he could even get another suit tailored to him. His current one he had worn for the past few days, and was dirty and torn.
His mind ran back to the ponies that had brought him to their world and imprisoned him the first place. The ringleader, whatever his name was, seemed to have some sort of plan involving him. Now that he had escaped, he wasn’t sure how it would be affected, but Bond knew the type. The type that wouldn’t let a small hindrance stop them from achieving what they wanted. James didn’t worry about it too much though. After all, Equestria had two apparently immortal deities as rulers, so he figured it was nothing they couldn’t handle.
Turning off the running water, he could hear the faint sound of Twilight calling him from downstairs. “James! I’ve found it!”
Hastily, he threw on his shirt and trousers before briskly making his way back downstairs. Both Twilight and Spike were huddled around a large, dusty book, reading intently.
“You found it then?” he said to her. “What’s the book called?”
She flipped over to the front cover. “‘Myths and Legends: The Spellcaster’s Edition’. There was only one supposed teleport spell I knew of powerful enough for an inter-planetary jump.” She turned back to the page she was on and pointed at it. “Here. Read it.”
Nodding, 007 came closer and read aloud. “Everypony knows unicorns can teleport. However, this spell was so powerful, even powerful unicorns could only cast it in areas with large levels of ambient magic. It enabled the caster to view an individual from a great distance away, perhaps even across the far reaches of space.”
Twilight nodded. “Keep going.”
“It also allowed the caster to teleport their target to their location, however, due to every being’s natural ambient magic, this was only possible if the target was near death or otherwise incapacitated.”
There was a brief moment of silence as Bond put the pieces together. “So that’s how she did it. She could see me when I got shot on the train.”
Confused, the unicorn looked up at him. “She? Who?”
“A mare called Quill. Lavender Quill. It’s a long story,” James answered. “She’s a professor at the University of Canterlot, apparently, and she managed to bring me here.”
“Huh.” Shrugging, the mare picked up the book in her aura of magic and slotted it back into its place amongst the many others. “Strange. I studied at the University of Canterlot for three years, and I never met a professor called Lavender Quill.”
“Well, maybe she’s new,” Spike suggested.
“Perhaps.” She shrugged again and turned back to Bond. “Sorry, James, but unless you want one of us to try and beat you to a bloody pulp, I can’t replicate that spell. The princesses might though, but there isn’t another train to Canterlot for a few days.”
“Can’t you just ask her to send a few guards down to pick us up?” Spike wondered.
The unicorn shook her head. “All of the guard’s carriages are being used up near Neighagra Falls for a training exercise, remember? The princess told us the other day. Sorry, James.”
Bond smiled. “No, it’s fine. I’m sure I can find something to do for a few days.”
She nodded. “Well, I’d better send a letter to Princess Celestia either way.” She nodded to Spike, who pulled out a quill and parchment, as she trotted over to a chest of drawers. “In the meantime, why don’t you go and see Rarity? She runs the Carousel Boutique on the edge of town. Just tell her I sent you, I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to give you some more clothes. Er, no offense.”
“None taken,” he told her. “I’ve been wearing this thing for days.”
Using her magic, Twilight floated a bulging sack of coins towards him. “Here, have some bits. She’ll probably decline any payment, but take them anyway. Consider them a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ present.”
James took the bag and thanked her, before stepping back outside, leaving her to her business. It was about one o'clock; the sun was shining high in the sky, and all of the townsponies were out in force. After Twilight’s little speech earlier, they seemed to be a lot calmer around him, with a few light-hearted ones even taking the time to stop and say hello. Bond appreciated the change of pace and scenery. Honestly, it was something he could get used to, after a while.
Following the lavender unicorn’s rather obscure directions, James made his way towards the edge of Ponyville, past the town center and the hotel in which he was staying. He half expected to run into the pink pony that had met him earlier, blabbering about a party or something, but, surprisingly, she was nowhere to found. James didn’t dwell on it too much, however, as he soon found the place he was looking for.
The dressmaker’s shop looked, unsurprisingly, like some sort of carousel. At first glance, he didn’t realize that the place was even open, as no one was around except for him. However, upon closer inspection, he noticed a small ‘open’ sign hanging in the front door. Concluding that this was indeed the place Twilight directed him to, Bond approached the door and knocked on it lightly.
“Coming!” came a sing-song voice from inside. The door soon swung open to reveal a pearly white unicorn, with a curled dark purple mane. From what he could tell, the mare presented herself well, almost regally, as if she wasn’t the type of pony you would expect to find in this town. Now that he thought of it, he hadn’t seen another pony like her around the small town. Her look and demeanor were very unique, if nothing else.
James opened his mouth to speak when the mare gasped suddenly at him, before backing away and promptly fainting.
“Great,” he mumbled, rolling his eyes. Sighing, he stepped inside and picked her up, looking for a place to lie her down.
We’re just going to be the best of friends, I can tell.
FIRSTShe'll either compliment or insult the suit and just make a new one
UPDATE?! Sweet! James Bond is best human!
And then James takes off his shirt and Rarity makes a poor attempt at 'seduction'.
Oh James... always making the ladies swoon
YES! AN UPDATE!
Considering the spell's requirements, I already know how you're going to use "You Only Die Twice".
My father would be most confused about you, Mr. Author Person. He's a massive Bond fan, but doesn't like Pony. You liking both would short out his few remaining synapses.
The only reason she fainted was how torn and filthy such a piece of fashion has become.
This is getting good. Will any old villains be making a triumphant return, like Goldfinger or Jaws?
As for my own story, I have two chapters done. Going to release it after Finals and when I get the brain power to write the next one.
YES! UPDATE! =D
James Bond always has the ladies fainting over him.
50 bits says that his new suit will be bedazzled.
take your hoof in my hand and we'll stand~!
You ruined James Bond's introduction to Twilight. He's supposed to introduce himself as "Bond, James Bond." Just nitpicking really, but a great chapter.
Am I the only one that can actually see that line being used in a Bond film?
You might want to take that down. Some people will complain that their human rights for religion have been violated lol.
Good story also. It's good that you write numbers in words instead of just pressing the number.
Heh... hehe... for some reasons that reaction at the end sounds just like Rarity. Out of a joke I googled drama queen, got Tv Tropes, what character do you find representing the drama queen? (Give you a hint, you've heard of her)
This is surprisingly well-written. Normally crossovers tend to have somewhat shallow characters. It can be pretty difficult to bring crossover fics to life, but it looks like you know your characters pretty well.
The book scene stood out as kind of cheesy, however, as if the sudden solution to everything can lie in a single book. Sort of reminds me of the show. (First season was amazing... I'll get flamed for this, but it's been dropping off ever since due to shallow plots and inconsistencies)
As for the previous comment: "Bond, James Bond"... that sounds like something he'd use if he were flirting. (Though he is famous for that introduction) Eh, maybe you thought of that, idk.
1823330 The only reason she fainted was because of the state of his clothes, I just know it...
Wouldn't he introduce himself as "Bond, James Bond"?
Nice ending BTW, of course James would have the ladies passing out over him XD
1823637 Honestly, the book scene was just for me to get the exposition out of the way; to explain exactly how James got to Equestria so we could move ahead with the story.
1823875 He already introduced himself that way to Quill in Chapter 1. I didn't want to milk it.
Awesome chapter as usual man and a very merry Christmas and best wishes to you too man
1823904 There are always ways to work around that scene. Such as Twilight asking Bond questions about what happened. (combined with an initial scene break to avoid redundancy) I'm not telling you to change it, just providing input. The reader already has a "general idea" what happened. If Bond were to tell his story then so would Twilight. Sometimes leaving stuff open like that till later helps create a sense of mystery.
The theories behind this teleportation sound to me like something that would be locked up, or perhaps a new unheard of avenue of magic research.
So then, I assume that will call him a spy?
I hate commenting about this, most because I have not made any stories. Yet.
But what you tryin to sell yourself, to james bond! what a balla!
Merry Christmas!
~Have a good one.
I see a lot of Lady Luck references... is this in any way related to the Chess Game of the Gods hmmm?
1823119
Damn straight!
Two Words: Bond Mare?
He allways get's that reaction with women actually
I do wonder... When will he meet and work with his Equestrian equivalent: Con Mane, the one who actually gets all the mares
1824185 Lady Luck is an age-old saying referring to Fortuna, the Roman goddess of (you guessed it) fortune.
Truth be told, I frankly despise the mere notion of the Chess Game of the Gods.
I'm sick, and I need a cup of 'MOAR n noodle soup'.
1823525 No, I can to see it being used.
You what isn't fair?! I read this before I saw Skyfall so I knew the first part when I watched it.
Why you no put spoiler warning?
Oh and Twilight is defiantly in her right mind. Send off the alien to get new clothes with no escort or reasonable explanation.
It'll be just fine.
Y'know, part of me says that he's taking all this way too well. I mean, he's taking it all in with barely a blink. But the rest of me can actually see Daniel Craig's Bond being surprisingly okay with it.
Some of the other Bonds would probably be utterly unable to take any of this even remotely seriously, and likely anxious to get the Hell out of this ridiculous hallucination, but Craig's incarnation... he's always been a bit of a surprise to expectations. While being very sober and grounded in reality, you get the feeling that he would have a certain appreciation for the absurd.
Perhaps it's that he lives a life which he acknowledges as intrinsically awful (again, unlike some previous Bonds), and is only bound to it by his deeply rooted sense of duty. He doesn't like his world, and he doesn't much like himself, so he doesn't begrudge anything that has nothing to do with his kind of lifestyle. Getting a magic ticket to a children's wonderland might just be the kind of near-death experience he could enjoy. Especially if it looks like he might not be able to return. It's sort of like a "get out of jail free" card worked sideways.
I'm sure he's considering the possibility that this is some kind of afterlife or, more likely, his brain going haywire as he drifts through his last moments dying of oxygen deprivation. But for someone with such a bitter outlook on his own occupation, having his channel changed to an entirely different station could be a welcome destiny.
I'd put money on her fainting because of the state of his clothes. Great chapter!
1824494
Totally agree.
He's probably like: "Talking ponies....? You know what? Fuck it. Lets just roll with it."
So, this would happen during his absence in Skyfall? Please answer.
I do love this story, but there is one element to this that hasn't happened yet that worries me. If you know James Bond, and you know how he is with women, you know what I'm talking about.
I hope it doesn't happen, really. Bond is a human, and I don't think he'd ever be into... well... ponies. I honestly sincerely hope he doesn't bed one of them. That would just be TOO weird. And this story is weird enough as it is.
On the other hand, if he had been changed into a pony upon entry into Equestria, that would be another story. That would be OK.
Now, with that out of the way, I will reiterate that I do really enjoy this story. Just... Just promise me Bond will keep his hands to himself and be respectful in this story. If not... Give him a Playboy or bring another human girl in somehow. But, please, don't make him resort to bestiality. That's not like him.
OK, my rant is done. Have fun writing!
Honestly, this fic is great. You updating it is a great christmas present to us bronies. Keep up the good work!
Great story though the only problem I have with this chapter is that when twilght asked him his name he didn't say "Bond. James Bond."
HEUGHEUGHEUGHEUGHEUGHEUGHEUGH!
...
More please.
I NEED MOAR!!!!!!!!!
1825457 Pft. I say fuckin' do it.
Hah! That spell is awfully convenient, it reminds me of the hidden book on the mirror pool. Oh well. Classy Bond is classy. Look forward to more.
1823187 Sorry, serious Bond afficionado here. The actual title is You Only Live Twice.
The key phrase: "You only live twice, Mr. Bond. Once when you're born, and once when you die."
1823525 I can, and I'd be surprised if it doesn't appear. I am surprised it hasn't before.
1824014 Uh, who hasn't she called a spy?
Imagine her surprise when James says something like, "Yes, and the Queen is quite appreciative."
Ah, fragility, thy name is Rarity.
I doubt James is even thinking of the mares as anything other than highly-intelligent animals with personalities (if he's even thinking about it at all), and certainly not as romantic interests. If somepony suggested it, he'd react badly; beastiality's not just frowned upon only in the U.S.
Friggin' more of this.
Ive taken to reading Bond's voice as Sean Connery. Is that weird?