“He's rather a tragic case. As MI6 says, he's difficult to control. Nice way of saying that everything he touches seems to wither and die.”
***
The humidity of the mid-morning heat in the middle of the forest hit James hard as he pushed blindly through. It had been about three hours, if his sense of time was anything to go by, since he had parted ways with Lavender Quill and made his way towards what he had hoped would be civilization. Unfortunately, he had not seen any form of life other than birds and bugs at all. He could have been walking around in circles for the past few hours for all he knew.
Swatting flies away from his face, he stumbled through a particularly large overgrowth out onto a dirt path. Finally getting somewhere, he thought to himself. I wonder what they call this hellhole, anyway. He craned his neck, trying to find the location of the rising sun. It was directly perpendicular to the path, thankfully. The sun rises in the east, he reminded himself, turning left and walking down the muddy trail. Quill said there was some sort of town north from here. He didn’t know what he expected to find, or what he was going to do once he got there, but staying in a town full of magical talking ponies sounded a lot more appealing than starving to death in the middle of a forest.
A rustling in the bushes to his right snapped him out of his thoughts. He stopped and, instinctively reaching for his handgun, crept over to investigate. He was about to push through the overgrowth when what looked like a zebra hopped out a few feet away from him. They locked eyes for a few moments, unsure of what to do. James used the time to examine the creature. He could tell it was female, for a start. It’s mane was styled in a mohawk, it was clad in an assortment of golden jewelery, and there seemed to be some sort of symbol emblazoned on its flank, similar to the ponies back at the castle. Before he could investigate any further, it scampered off quickly.
“I wonder if every form of life is sapient here,” he murmured to himself, setting off down the path again. “I don’t even know where ‘here’ is.” I’m no geography expert, but I’m fairly certain nowhere on Earth is home to talking equines, he thought to himself, still smiling at the silliness of his situation. Still, if I’m even going to think about getting home, I’m going to need some help.
After walking through the forest for such a long time, the heat and humidity were finally starting to get to him. He had been trained by MI6 to be adaptable and to survive in a variety of harsh environments. He had performed well during training, having completed the entirety of the course in only eight weeks, but now, out in the open, he was being pushed near his limits. Of all the things I’ve survived, he thought, I’ve been tortured by Le Chiffre, skydived into a sinkhole in the middle of the Bolivian desert, and yet some bloody forest in the middle of nowhere is what finally gets to me.
He squinted his eyes as he noticed a clearing in the distance. Maybe I’m finally getting somewhere. His curiosity piqued, he quickened his pace to a quick jog, eager to find out what lay beyond the edge of the forest. He reached the clearing quickly, and he was relieved to see what lay beyond: a small town, just as Quill had told him. So, this is the ‘Ponyville’ Quill told me about. Hopefully they aren’t too apprehensive about strangers. In the end it didn’t really matter. As long as they allowed him food and shelter, he didn’t care. He’d find a way to get home, to England, he was sure of it.
He wasn’t going to get anywhere just by standing there looking at the place, however, so, without further ado, he sent off down the path towards the edge of town, keeping a close eye out for any of it’s residents.
As he got closer to the town, he could spot some of the townsponies going about their daily business. He decided the best place to go to get his bearings, and, hopefully, find someone who could help, would be the center of town, so he made his way there. Entering the town itself, he noticed many of the brightly coloured residents starting to take note of his presence, however most of them looked too fearful to come and talk to him.
Still, he made his way closer to the square in the center of town. He noticed that many ponies were visibly moving away from him as he approached, with some of them even locking themselves in their homes and shielding their foals from the very sight of him. Perhaps they think I’m some sort of monster, he thought. If they knew some of things I’ve done, I guess it wouldn’t be far from a fair assumption.
After about five minutes of walking, he finally reached what looked to be the center of town. There was a large square, with a tall building on the edge. Must be the town hall, he pondered. He glanced up at the building, taking note of what looked like a recent repair job on some sections of the aged roof tiles. Turning his attention away from the dilapidated place, he made his way over to a nearby market stall, hoping to ask some questions. It seemed to be a florist’s stall; the owner being a cream coloured and red maned mare. She shrunk away at the sight of him, but couldn’t bring herself to leave her post.
“Good morning,” he said to her, giving a polite smile. She gave a weak, nervous smile in response, but avoided his gaze. “Do you know where I could find a place to stay?” he asked.
“There’s a hotel just down the street, past Sugarcube Corner,” she told him, stuttering slightly. An apprehensive bunch, aren’t they? 007 thought to himself. Still, he thanked her, and set off in the direction she had pointed him towards. He kept a brisk pace, which was helped by the fact that many ponies gave him a wide berth.
She said it was past a ‘Sugarcube Corner’, whatever that is. He stopped to get his bearings, looking for any landmarks. Looking up, he saw the building he was standing outside seemed to be a large gingerbread house, with a cupcake on the top. Ah, so that’s what she meant. Must be further down the street then. Bond was about to set off again when he heard a high-pitched gasp from behind him.
He had no sooner turned to investigate the noise when a bright pink blur shot up towards him. He flinched, bracing for impact, but it never came. Instead, he opened his eyes to see an unusually happy pink mare beaming at him. He opened his mouth to say something, but she beat him to it.
“Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie, what’s yours? Ooh, what are you? I’ve never seen something like you before! Can we be friends?” She blurted it all out at what seemed like a million miles an hour, leaving Bond to catch up.
“No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it; you don’t need to know me,” James told her, walking away. “I won’t be around too long anyway.”
There was a small moment of silence as he tried to slip away. The pink pony, however, was undeterred. “Well, like I said, I’m Pinkie Pie, and I work at Sugarcube Corner!” She pointed to the large gingerbread house beside them. “Just you wait, I’m gonna throw you the greatest ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party ever!” She zipped away, calling out, “See ya later!”
007 sighed and shook his head, before pressing on. Soon enough he came across a small motel. It didn’t look like much. Just a two storey building with a thatched roof, like most of the other buildings in the town. Still, it was a place to stay. Hopefully. James half-expected the owner to be some sort of racist or supremacist. It seemed to fit in with the kind of luck he’d been having recently. I wonder if there’s some sort of tension between the different pony races, Bond thought. Imagine that, a unicorn supremacist. He smiled. Things just seemed to be getting stranger by the minute.
He approached the wooden door (which, similar to the cell he woke up in, was only just higher than him), and knocked on it lightly. He didn’t know who, or what, he would find on the other side, but by that point he didn’t really care. Ponies that were passing by were still giving him strange looks, so he only imagined that the hotel’s owner wasn’t going to welcome him with open arms.
“Coming!” A female sing-song voice echoed from within the building. A few moments later, the door swung open, revealing an elderly bright orange pegasus mare sporting a large, bushy brown mane. “Good morning, how can I help you-” She paused, looking up at the man that stood head and shoulders above her. She stuttered something for a second, before Bond cut in.
“Do you have a room available?” he asked simply.
“Y-yes,” she managed to say. “Please follow me.” She lead James inside, revealing a large hallway beyond the front door. She took him up the stairs and down the upstairs hallway before standing beside a door. “Here it is. It’s ten bits for the night.”
Bond’s heart sunk. “Uh... I don’t have any money.” He went for his wallet, but the mare cringed at his sudden movement.
“No, don’t worry, it’s fine.” Before 007 could say another word, she scampered away to another room.
“Uh, thank you?” James called out, but there was no response. He shrugged, and looked inside his room. It was quite simple: a king sized bed, chest of drawers, an ensuite, and balcony overlooking the street. Nothing special really. Still, it did the job, so Bond, suddenly feeling tired, sat down on the bed, stifling a yawn. Not too soon after, he was dozing off to sleep.
***
Twilight Sparkle trotted around her library, the Golden Oaks, making sure everything was spick and span. Tomorrow was reshelving day, and she wanted to make sure everything was perfect and tidy for the occasion.
She stopped, and took a look around the room. Everything seemed to be in order. Satisfied, she looked up at the clock. Twelve o’ clock. Time for some lunch, she thought. “Spike!” she called out up the stairs.
The purple baby dragon in question soon appeared at the top of the stairs. “Yeah?”
“Wanna go get some lunch?” the unicorn asked him as he hopped down the stairs. “It’s a nice day out today.”
Her number one assistant smiled. “Sure, that’s a great idea!”
Twilight grinned and pushed open the front door to the library, making sure to hang an ‘out for lunch’ sign on it. “Great! Let’s go.”
The pair smiled as they stepped outside, basking in the warmth of the midday sun. It was a beautiful day for a stroll through the town. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Other ponies seemed to have the right idea as well, with many other citizens trotting around enjoying their day.
Their favourite restaurant was only a few blocks around the corner from the library, so it wasn’t too far to walk. It was a simple place really, just a small café on the edge of the town square, with some tables outside next to the street. They arrived swiftly and took their seats. Spike, feeling decidedly hungry, immediately picked up the menu and started to scan through it.
“Still no gemstones...” he mumbled under his breath. Meanwhile, Twilight took the time to sit back and relax, looking over the town square. There was nothing much to see really. Just a multitude of ponies browsing or buying something from the many market stalls. However, she eyed one market stall in particular. It was Rose’s flower stall. From what the purple unicorn could make out, the earth pony was in hysterics, panicking as her friend, Junebug, tried to calm her down.
It’s probably nothing to worry about, she thought, shrugging and turning back to the baby dragon. “You decided yet, Spike?” she asked, picking up a menu of her own.
“They have so little choice here,” he complained. “I guess I’ll just have some hay fries.”
Twilight sighed, silently agreeing with him. They both loved this place, but they agreed it was a case of quality over quantity. Deciding to have the same, she looked over the top of her menu back to Rose’s stand, her curiosity piqued as she searched for something to make the day interesting.
A small crowd of ponies were now surrounding Rose’s small market stall. From what Twilight could see, some looked apprehensive and fearful, while others bore expressions of anger and upset.
“Spike,” the unicorn murmured, nudging him. “Look over there,” she told him, pointing in the crowd’s direction.
“Huh? What is it?” he asked, following her gaze. “What’s going on over there?”
Twilight furrowed her brow. “I’m not too sure. Should we go check it out?”
The dragon checked over his shoulder quickly before turning back to her. “Doesn’t look like we’re going to be getting much service here. Come on.” He hopped off his stool and joined her as they made their way across the square. Many other ponies were joining the crowd by now, all with similar expressions. Ones of anger and fear.
“What’s happening?” Twilight asked a random pegasus stallion as they reached the outskirts of the swelling mob.
“There’s a monster, right here in town, that’s what!” he replied. “It scared the living daylights out of Rose!”
Monster? Confused, the unicorn pushed through the crowd to Rose’s stand, where she stood in the embrace of her coltfriend, a burly unicorn. “Rose, are you alright?” the librarian asked.
The earth pony nodded weakly. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She pointed down the street. “I don’t know what it was. It just asked me where the hotel was and set off.”
“It spoke Equestrian?”
“Does it matter?” Rose’s coltfriend spoke up. “We don’t even know what it is!” He stood up to address the mob of ponies. “Are we just gonna let some thing waltz right into town, terrorizing our citizens?”
There was a hearty “No!” from the crowd.
Rose tugged on his tail. “Please, you’re overreacting. If it really was a monster, don’t you think it would have attacked us by now?” She pleaded with him, trying to calm him down, but to no avail. The mob of ponies set off down the street, calling for the ‘monster’ to show its face.
Twilight gulped. This can’t be good.
***
Shouting. He could hear shouting, and screaming. Opening one eye, James still found himself laying on his back, staring at the ceiling of his hotel room. There seemed to be some sort of commotion outside his window. From the sounds of it, there were at least fifty ponies out there, maybe more. The lynch mob’s finally arrived then, he thought, hauling himself to his feet.
He stepped cautiously towards the window, peeking slightly through the curtains. True to his expectations, a huge crowd of angry ponies were outside, screaming and hollering. Despite his better judgement, he took a deep breath and stepped out onto the balcony.
“There it is!” one shouted, pointing an accusing hoof. The intensity and anger of the mob flared, their rage directed at him. Bond just stood there, dumbfounded that his mere presence within the town could cause such an uprising. Thankfully, while many of them were angry, none seemed violent. How long that would last, though, he wasn’t sure.
“Get out of our town, you monster!” one mare screamed, supported by a cry of approval from the rest.
007 considered saying something in his defense, but found that he was beaten to it by one of the members of the crowd. A purple unicorn mare stood up and, using her magic to amplify her voice, ordered the crowd to be quiet. Surprisingly, they obliged.
“What is wrong with you ponies?” she asked the crowd, but no one spoke a word. “I know this town has had some rough times, what with Discord, and Cerberus showing up during the past few years, but that doesn’t give you the right to outlaw and banish any new creature that might come here!”
A murmur of confusion swept through the crowd as the mare kept on speaking.
“You know it, or he, rather, from the looks of him, speaks Equestrian, so that alone should tell you that he is not some sort of primal beast! How about, instead, we simply ask him who he is, and what he’s doing here?”
The many members of the crowd looked at each other for a few moments, before nodding silently, seemingly ashamed of how hasty they had been in their accusations. One by one, all of them turned their head up to 007, expecting a speech of sorts.
James just stood there in silence for a few moments as the sea of pastel-coloured equines stared up at him with their inexplicably large eyes. “Well, good afternoon,” he finally said, awkwardly. “If you’re looking for information, the first thing you should know is that I’m not good with speeches.”
He stared out at them as they patiently waited for him to continue. “I’ll keep it short. I’m a human being, and no, I have no intention of hurting any of you.”
“So, what are you doing in Ponyville?” the lavender unicorn asked him.
“I’m only here because I’m searching for a way to get home,” he informed them. “Judging by your initial reactions, I can only assume that’s a very long way away.” With that, he decided to step back inside and draw the curtains.
One by one, all of the ponies in the crowd shrugged and went back to their business, trying their best to pretend the whole incident didn’t happen. The purple unicorn, on the other hand, wasn’t put off so easily.
“Come on, Spike,” Twilight Sparkle announced to her assistant. “We’ve got a human to go talk to.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I mean, you don’t even know what he’s like.”
Twilight scoffed and pushed open the front door to the hotel. “I’m sure he’s just as friendly as every other pony. Besides, I’m not just going to let information on a whole new species pass me by!”
Spike sighed. “Fine, you go on ahead, but I’m going back to the library. I need a nap.”
Twilight smiled and nodded. “Alright then. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
Her mind racing, Twilight watched as her assistant and best friend walked out of view. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and trotted up the hotel’s stairs, eager for some answers.
amazing chapter, keep goin and stay golden^^
P.S. Will you be including Lyra in this story?
1705296 Will do. Not too golden, though, or...
blogcdn.com/www.joystiq.com/media/2012/09/goldfinger.jpeg
I agree with whatever this guy says /\
1705318
well... that happened. However it could have been worse.
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSDFvh7exajV8pI7zpT2lkOVyZAFuQ2TJ-Uyh_0sN6Bo59hfa_Q
God this is good! I can't help but think Bond's lines as Roger Moore, he just seems the most practical in Equestria.
Hmm, a bit of a role reversal here. Twilight is spying on the spy.
I like. Keep it up.
James Bond vs inquisitive Twilight Sparkle. This will be close.
Nice, just one problem:
Had to point that out, sorry
I'm amazed he made it through town and only got stopped by Pinkie
Great job on this Fic.
I really need to watch Skyfall
Okay so how long till Bond seduces Twilight? Bookworm types are usually easy fodder for him. Also, which Bond is it here?
1705318
1705383 Daniel Craig.
Bond, you are about to be interrogated so much, you will have a new definition for the word
Imagine his reaction when he finds out they are a monarchy, having been an agent in a secret organisation serving a queen will make things.....interesting
1705383
1705450
Whaa? Not Sean Connery????
(okay tbh I don't know much about the 007 series so don't take my word for it)
Ohh no. Twi's in Science Mode! Run for it James!
“I’m sure he’s just as friendly as every other pony."
Oh Twilight, you have no idea what you are getting yourself into. This can only end with you storming off in frustration or in bed with Bond, and either outcome will be hilarious.
1705501
For reference, it's the Bond from the more recent Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, and Skyfall. This particular fic takes place about 10-20 minutes into Skyfall, hijacking Bond from the plotline into the ponyverse.
Yeah, Daniel Creig ain't exactly the friendliest Bond out there. More like a highly tuned killing machine. On that note, your depiction of Bond is so far very good.
That said, Pinkie Pie's reaction has me a bit nervous. Fanfiction writers tend to make her a bit . . . one note. Like some sort of Flanderized Loony Toon that never stops bouncing around and talking about "fun" and "parties" while making fourth wall references. Which is neither appealing nor accurate to her canon self.
Actually, all the characters seem to fall into this rut. Lyra is obsessed with humans, Fluttershy is kind and shy to everyone, Rarity is obsessed with fashion and looking 'fabulous', Rainbow Dash is the hotheaded braggart, Celestia is a tyrant, Luna is all for new ideas, Twilight can solve all problems with intellectualism and friendship, and so on, with no variation or nuance at all.
I probably have absolutely nothing to worry about, you've done a good job so far, but I can't help but be nervous. (EDIT: And paranoid.)
1705530
Like I said, not too keen on the 007 fanbase...yet
need.... more
no comments? for shame... this story is amazing and you should feel amazing.
Stay shiny...
EDIT: Never mind, I just refreshed the page. SO MANY COMMENTS! xD
Other than sub-par writing in the prologue (which is irrelevant to anyone who has seen the movie... or for that matter the trailer...) is the far too great ease of acceptance of both Bond and several of the ponies. But if this is gonna be a whimsical crossover instead of a dramatic one, that's fine too.
1705318 Hahahaha oh Odd Job you crazy sonova bitch
1705490 Ian Fleming is the creator of the James Bond character and the author of his books. He is not an actor who played Bond. So when it says "Ian Fleming's James Bond", it means that James Bond belongs to Ian Fleming.
EDIT: Amazing story, by the way. Keep up the good work, Gherkin.
Great. I'm loving it so far, but with 1 tiny objection. Why is that whenever we have one of these "somebody from strange place ends up in Ponyville" stories, they always ALWAYS meet Twilight Sparkle first, or have Twilight send them home or whatever?
It's 8AM here and i should be in school but i'm reading fics instead
Yes....Just, all of my yes....
1705700
Because Snips and Snails are ill equipped to solve advanced
magicSCIENCE! problems.1705700
I suppose it helps that Twilight is uncannily skilled at sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. Also, she technically didn't meet him first, a lynch mob did.
A few things, then:
The good:
-Nifty premise, snappy pacing, good description of the surrounding environment and so on. I'm normally very picky about HiE stories, especially crossovers, but this one is developing quite nicely.
The stuff that isn't really bad but needs some fleshing out:
-007's dialogue. Yes, I know how he is in the films, he's not exactly the most 'chatty' Bond out there (Pierce Brosnan, *cough*), but while I can accept that he's dealing with the shock of suddenly landing in the middle of scenery that would put "The Sound of Music" to shame, while slowly attempting to acclimate to the existence of tiny, sapient, garishly colored ponies, do you think you could include some more of his inner monologue so we can get a better sense of what he's actually thinking? There has to be quite a bit of inner turmoil going on there, and perhaps even mental instability.
-007's approach to Ponyville seems a bit careless for him, especially for the Daniel Craig 007, who is essentially a Special Forces trooper with impeccable fashion sense and a penchant for losing girlfriends in unfortunate oil spills. Wouldn't it make more sense that, even after taking Quill's advice, he'd be a tad more cautious?
-Also, I'm gonna have to agree with Cody's concerns about excessive typecasting; based on the absurdly large number of fanfics that I've read on here so far, Pinkie Pie is, in all fairness, rather difficult to write well. Even in the show, she can seem a little one dimensional on occasion, but there is still a lot to work with, in terms of her personality. I realize that your intention was simply to have her do her usual "Welcome to Ponyville" spiel, but maybe you could increase her involvement slightly after her obligatory run-on sentence? She and Twilight Sparkle are rather similar in one key respect; they're both very inquisitive. If they want to know something, they're going to find out, even if they drive themselves or everyone else crazy.
Those concerns aside, I'm enjoying your work and look forward to your next update!
1705556
This. Also, while I haven't seen the latest Bond movies, he seems to be going into this far too flippantly. He escapes from capture with one pony only to let her go with only a few questions asked? She can be pumped for info rather well, depending on his approach. The Bond I remember would charm and cajole information out of her - not just let her go. Of course, seeing as how she was being held against her will as well, he'd probably ... offer to escort her to the nearest town where she could help lay to rest any fears or 'monster' situations.
Barring that, I'd think he would chose to study the inhabitants from afar for a bit longer or until evening - less chance of running into anypony and causing a scare. Isolate one, ask local questions (leader, source of information, hotel, monetary system) and act on the information given. Indeed, why a hotel when he had no money? This guy seems a bit less MI6 and more Regular Army. Again, I don't know the new Bond so, eh.
Sorry to rain on your parade a bit. I like it - even with the few issues I pointed out - and will continue to 'Read Later' it to see where it will be going. It's nice, just seems a bit out of character to me.
James character is spot on good job, but as in tradition of every James Bond movie there has to be romance
1705534 While I agree Pinkie's party nature and eagerness to meet, befriend and throw a party for anyone new in town is typecast, you can't say it isn't canon. Look back at 'A Friend In Deed'. What's the first thing she said when meeting Cranky? "Hi, I'm Pinkie, what's your name? Let's be friends!"
Don't you worry though, Pinkie's not just going to be there to throw the parties. They all have their roles to play later in the story, you'll see.
1705335 That scene was in Goldfinger.
Honestly I'm more found of old James Bond serias, the new Bond is kinda more assasin then smooth agent that can easely blend in public...
1681695 your profile pic
1706365 He knows that. He's was making a joke at Goldeneye's expense...I think...
Yay more of this. Good stuff, keep it up.
Twilight probably saved half the town's lives. Who says lecturing people isn't an awesome ability to have?
Ponyville, the place were love, harmony, friendship and paranoia rules.
1706309 After all, Pinkie is really a spy herself...
fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/292/a/f/pinkie_spy_by_mikoruthehedgehog-d5i9kej.png
SHE WAS GATHERING INTEL FOR THE ENEMY!!!
Good chapter! While I expected Bond to place the town under surveillance for an hour or so before entering it that was by no means a large issue. Keep it up!
Great Chapter! Expecting a Princess/Guards to encounter him really soon!
She'll either get a ear full of silence or a head full of lead.
img.humorsharing.com/media/images/1207/i_hilarious_moar_pictures_019_501591b4d506d.jpg
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/yes-moar-of-that-biden.jpg
lachroniquefaciledumercredi.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/moar_.jpeg
img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-02-06/1233947085561.jpg
Did I mention I want MOAR
1705501
I've watched Connery Bond... and he's not that good in this situation.
1707589
This, very much.
1707126
CRAP! ITS SOLID SNAKE PINKIE!
It's one of those times when you should really be proud of yourself for making me yell "GOD DAMMIT!" in middle of night (Finland. Woo...) when I see the end of chapter.
"Scaring img.007unleashed.com/albums/userpics/10001/tldultimate.jpg out of Rose"
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2604-Luna_saw_what_you_did_there.jpg
1707126 Oh look, it's Sam "Where-the-hell-is-my-daughter" Fisher.