04: Every Mare's Crazy For a Sharp Dressed Man
"There are dinner jackets and dinner jackets. This is the latter, and I need you looking like a man who belongs at that table."
***
The pearly white mare was finally starting to open her eyes. Good. Maybe now the situation wouldn't be quite as awkward. Maybe it would be worse. Bond shrugged. He just needed some new clothes, after all.
Rarity slowly opened her eyes, unaware of her surroundings. She sat up and, noticing the human sitting across from her, gasped suddenly, trying to back away in repulsion.
"It's okay," James reassured her. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"Wha... what..." The mare seemed to be recovering from some sort of shock.
"What am I?"
"No, I know what you are," she murmured slowly. "You're that, uh, human who walked into town this morning." She sat up straighter, blinking a few times to bring everything into focus. "No, I meant to say, what in Equestria are you wearing? That suit looks like it's been to Tartarus and back!"
Not quite the reaction I was expecting. Bond had to admit he was slightly taken aback. "Well, uh, I suppose that's the reason I came to you," he told her nonetheless.
"Well, it's good to see you have some sense in you," Rarity commented, now fully awake. "Luckily for you, you've come to the best dressmaker in Ponyville!" She paused for a second, eying up his size, before hopping onto her hooves and continuing. "I do fittings for stallions too, of course, but I don't get nearly as many male customers as I do female."
"Right." 007 nodded, taking it all in. "Sorry if this seems rude, but you don't seem to be at all frightened or intimidated by me. I thought you’d be slightly more apprehensive about an unknown creature. Everyone else was ready to burn me at a stake."
"The whole town's gone through some rough patches recently, so they were likely to jump to conclusions when faced with something unknown and quite possibly dangerous," she explained. "I, however, take pride in being welcoming to everyone and everything, no matter how unpleasant they may be." She grimaced, as if remembering a not too fond memory. James thought it wise not to ask.
“Well, it’s been nice meeting you, Mister...”
“Bond,” he answered. “James Bond.”
“Bond,” she repeated slowly, adjusting to the unfamiliar name. “I hope you’ll forgive me for thinking you have a rather strange name, but who am I to judge what your social norms are?”
“It’s fine, really,” James reassured her. “If I’m honest, the feeling’s mutual.”
Rarity nodded. “Of course. Now, down to business. I should have a collection of garments ready for you in a few hours. No payment required, of course. Not for someone who really needs it.”
Bond paused. “Wait, is that it? No measurements, or anything?”
“I sized you up the moment I laid eyes on you, dear,” she chimed.
“How the-” Bond caught his tongue before he could go any further. He paused for a second, before continuing. “Alright. I already have a suit, though.” He motioned to the clothes he was wearing.
“Please, darling. There are business suits, and business suits. You’re wearing the former, I specialize in making the latter.” She wore a smug look. “Besides, as I said, that thing is in pieces.”
007 rolled his eyes. “Fine then.” She nodded, and turned to trot out, into her work room, before he called out to her again. “Wait. Do you mind if I stay here for a bit? I need to catch up on some sleep.”
The white unicorn smiled gently. “Of course. There’s a spare bedroom upstairs if you want to use it.” With that, she disappeared into the next room.
He stood there for a moment, trying to judge the mare’s character. She was feisty, he knew that much, and was certain that she could more than take care of herself should the need arise. Given the way she was eager to make him clothes free of charge, he thought that she imagined it as more of a hobby than an actual job. Something fun to do that she made money from as well.
He stopped. Could all women immediately size him up when they met? His mind drifted back to the first time he met such a person. He remembered having a similar reaction to the one he'd had just now. Then he actually remembered the woman he was thinking about, and decided to snap back to reality. Some wounds never heal.
Stifling a yawn, he realized he was more tired than he had originally thought. Taking off his suit jacket, he made his way towards the staircase on the far side of the room, feeling more tired with every step. He couldn't help but realize that he had become more weary and less enduring since he arrived. Probably a by-product of the magic that brought him here.
He reached the top of the stairs and took a glance inside the first room on the right. It was simple, with a single bed and children's toys strewn all over the flaw. Bond doubted that Rarity had children, so he assumed it belonged to a sibling. He smiled slightly. The room felt like a impenetrable fortress of innocence; a safe and happy haven for whoever inhabited it. The only place that had made Bond safe when he was a child were the secret tunnels running underneath his family's lodge. They held some rather traumatic memories, too.
He decided to swiftly move on, feeling more tired by the second. A door was ajar at the end of the hallway. Peeking inside, he found that it was indeed the spare bedroom Rarity had directed him towards. Wasting no time, he threw his jacket on the floor, loosened his tie, and lay down. Millions of things were running through his mind, most of them beyond confusing, but exhaustion quickly took over as he drifted off to sleep.
***
The stallion sat behind his desk, waist deep in thought. A large, pungent cigar hung from his mouth, it’s strong odour permeating throughout the room. In his hooves were the latest reports from his men. The complications that had arisen the previous day were surprising, but otherwise irrelevant. It was a minor setback. They just needed time to plan.
A sharp knock on the door pulled his attention away from the report. “Come in,” he called, inhaling from his cigar. The door drifted open, revealing a unicorn mare.
“Good evening, Brute,” she said, trotting inside.
Brute Force smiled, and pulled a bottle of liquor from one of his desk’s drawers. “Ah, good to see you, my dear. Would you like a drink?”
“No, thank you,” the mare replied flatly.
“That’s a shame,” he commented, pouring himself a glass. “This really is some good stuff. Over a century old, if I’m not mistaken.”
“Very interesting. However, I’m sure you’re aware that I’m not here to discuss your taste in drinks.”
Brute took a sip and reclined back in his chair. “No, of course you’re not. Down to business then. I read your report about the escape. Five injured, one dead. We underestimated him." He stared into his glass, lost in thought. "Where did he go, Quill?”
Lavender Quill smirked. “He fell for it. I told him you’d kidnapped me; played the ‘damsel in distress’ card. Worked like a charm.”
“Yes, but where did he go?”
Quill leaned forward. “I sent him towards Ponyville, so it’s safe to assume he’s still there. We shouldn't waste time, though. A train for Canterlot leaves tomorrow. For all we know, he could be on it.”
Brute Force nodded and furrowed his brow, thinking. “We can’t take any risks this time. How many ponies have we got left after his little rampage?”
“Fifteen. It should suffice.”
“Then get them all ready. Tomorrow, we’re gonna get that son of a bitch back by any means necessary.”
Quill stood up. “Will do. I can also have a plan of attack ready by tomorrow morning, if you like.”
Brute smiled, flashing a set of crooked teeth. “Excellent. Good night, Lavender.”
The mare nodded, and swiftly left the room. Perfect, Brute thought, downing the last of his drink. There’s no way that bastard’s getting out now.
***
Refreshed. Yes, that was one word to describe it. James slowly opened his eyes and sighed peacefully. The last few hours had been a godsend. Some good sleep made him feel much better. Looking out the window, he deduced that he must have been asleep for most of the afternoon, as the sun was gently passing away beneath the horizon. He yawned slightly, and stretched, enjoying the satisfying feeling of his bones popping into place.
Now fully awake, Bond noticed a small pile of clothes and the end of his bed. There weren’t many; just a new suit and tie, a casual jacket and shirt, and some trousers. He didn’t know when he’d ever need to wear formal attire around here, as everypony seemed to walk around naked anyway, but he wasn’t complaining. Instead, he picked up a small note on top of the pile, that must have been left by Rarity.
Mr Bond,
I took great delight in making these for you, so I hope they are to your satisfaction. No payment required, of course. I thought it best not to disturb you when I dropped these off. You were out like a light, I must say. I’m afraid I haven’t got time to chat now, though, as my sister, Sweetie Belle, is here for the night. Feel free to stay for as long as you like.
James smiled at the mare’s generosity. Still, he thought it best not to impose, so he decided to head back to the library. Slipping on a pair of trousers and the casual jacket, he made his way downstairs and bid farewell to the unicorn, before stepping out into the brisk early evening air. The agent inhaled deeply, savouring the fresh air, of which he was unaccustomed to. London was all smog and pollution; here he could smell flowers, and fresh grass, and candy, and other such innocent things. It was a welcome relief.
The walk back to the library was uneventful, but relaxing. Rarity had mentioned, while he was on his way out, that Twilight had told her that he was welcome to join the librarian and her assistant for dinner. Realizing that there was no food at his hotel room, and that all of the shops and stalls had closed down for the day, he saw no other alternative. Reaching the front door of the oak tree, he knocked and waited for an answer.
“Come in!” came Twilight’s voice from somewhere inside. “Honestly, James, you don’t need to knock.” She appeared from another room as James stepped inside. “Rarity told you then? Good, the hay fries are just about done.”
Hay fries? You must be joking. Closing the front door behind him, 007 followed the lavender unicorn into the kitchen, where he found the dragon, Spike, already sat at a table.
“They look good on you,” Twilight commented, nodding towards James’ clothes. “I told you Rarity was a natural.”
“She didn’t even need to take measurements,” Bond told her. “Not many people can take someone’s size just by looking at them, much less a being they’ve never seen before.”
“Well, it is her special talent,” Twilight mused, putting piles of the so-called ‘hay fries’ onto three plates. “I hope this is alright for you, James. You didn’t mention your eating habits earlier.”
“No, it’s fine.” James moved through the kitchen and chose a spot at the table. The seats were small compared to what he was used to, but he supposed that was because ponies obviously had such smaller bodies. Honestly, he was surprised they had chairs at all. “Humans are omnivores," he explained. “We’ll stomach just about anything.”
“Omnivores?” Twilight picked up the plates in her aura of magic, and levitated them down onto the table. “As in, you can eat meat as well as other foods?”
"Most do," he said, after thanking her for the meal. "Although some choose not to. I guess it's a choice of preference."
"So, what kinds of meat do you usually eat?" Twilight asked tentatively, popping some fries into her mouth.
"Pork, steak and lamb are the staples, I'd say."
The mare gasped in shock. "Are you saying you slaughter innocent cows, pigs and sheep?" she asked accusingly. "Don't they try to fight back, or say something?"
Bond looked up. "Say something? How could they? They're animals."
Twilight paused. "Wait, so cows and sheep don't talk in your world?"
007 nearly spat out his food. "They do here?"
The unicorn nodded slowly, confused by his bewildered reaction. James' eye twitched slightly. Things keep getting stranger by the minute.
"Humans are the only sapient life on Earth," he explained. "And we make sure any livestock we have live good lives."
“Right...” Bond could tell that Twilight wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but she didn’t hold it against him. After all, what right did she have to argue with his nature? Bond made a mental note, however, to inform her that she needn’t change any of her usual eating habits to accommodate him in the future.
The meal was surprisingly tasty. A little bit of salt went a long way, it seemed. James certainly hadn’t expected to end his day eating hay when he woke up that morning. Then again, he hadn’t expected to end up in a world inhabited by technicolour talking ponies that morning either.
The rest of the evening was mostly uneventful. James spent most of it making idle conversation with Twilight and Spike after dinner. They mostly talked about each others worlds, as Twilight was always eager to learn something different, even if it seemed insignificant. She seemed a bit put off when he brought up some of the more bloody aspects of Earth’s history, so he made a mental note to dance around the subject should it be brought up in any conversations with others.
It was about ten o’clock by the time he reached his hotel room again. He wasn’t nearly as tired as before, but he figured a bit of sleep never hurt anyone. The first order of business for the following morning would be to pick up some food and supplies, but, for now, he was going to rest. For some reason, he felt that tomorrow was going to be an even more unusual day.
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No first for you!
MMMMMOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR!! ITS SO GOOD!
“No, it’s fine.” James moved through the kitchen and chose a spot at the table. The seats were small compared to what he was used to, but he supposed that was because ponies obviously had such smaller bodies. Honestly, he was surprised they had chairs at all. “Humans are herbivores,” he explained. “We’ll stomach just about anything.”
“Herbivore?” Twilight picked up the plates in her aura of magic, and levitated them down onto the table. “As in, you can eat meat as well as other foods?”
Uhh, I think you meant omnivore. Herbivore is plant-matter exclusive. Oh and hay stands a good chance of causing gastrointestinal obstruction. Humans can't properly digest it and any large quantity would greatly magnify the danger. It would be a shame for the worlds greatest secret agent to die from dinner.
Oh boy, that Mysterious Mare/Stallion sounds like Dr. No or whoever is the leader of SPECTRE after No kicked the bucket...
1936102 Herpity derp. Fixed.
YUSS MOAR BOOOND!! Brilliant series, this. Bond seems to be learning new things about the ponies every day. Can't wait for the upcoming scene though, I have a feeling things are about to get interesting. Fifteen ponies versus one secret agent? That's not very fair. Better get at least twice as many thug ponies.
Rarity was excellent. Truly she is best pony. Fainting at tattered suits and making new ones without measurements like a boss...ah, yes.
And gosh darn it, you had to make Lavender Quill one of the baddies! Nuts. Wonder what will happen to her.
I hate to be a downer, but I should probably mention this:
Humans are omnivores, not herbivores. Herbivores eat only plants. Omnivores eat both plants and meat. That was a rather jarring error.
1936121 Refer to my above comment.
1936126 Oops, I didn't see that one I should've refreshed. Oh well. Chapter title was great by the way, love me some ZZ Top.
THE CORRECT TERM IS OMNIVORE! PLEASE CHANGE THAT!!!
Herbivore? I believe the term you are looking for is Omnivore. Humans are Omnivores. Additionally, the human digestive system cannot process hay properly, but that isn't as important as the term usage.
My dear Brute, you have no idea how wrong you are.
1936220
No kidding. The only question is, how many are going to survive the experience? In general, the more enemies one has to deal with, the fewer non-lethal options are available. I have a feeling Ponyville is about to get a small demonstration of One Man Army 101.
EDIT: Also, I'm pretty sure hay is indigestible to humans, no matter how much you fry it. By all rights, Bond should be waking up feeling pretty bad in the morning.
1936232 One badass story later...
*Bond stands over a smoking hideout filled with downed enemies* And that is how the English get it done.
Decent story so far. Bond's charackter is a bit bland, but then again he'll probably fare better once you get away from the slice of life part.
1682056
Technically, it's a different planet, so they're aliens.
1936159 Refresh your page, bro.
I was tired as hell writing that part, so I wasn't thinking straight.
This gets more awesome as it goes.
Still...I reject Daniel Craig and substitute with Sean Connery.
Although this was an okay chapter, I saw very little character development here. Although it was nice seeing Bond's reaction to what he sees as a strange and unusual at best (This mare
), I feel that, if played differently, could have been very interesting (although it was nice to see a change from most fanfics who depict Rarity as some sort of hypocrite).
In any case, good luck with the next chapter! (Looks like Bond has his work cut out for him tomorrow, with his new 'damsel in distress')
Alright! I hope we see some defenestration in the next chapters!
;_;
I- I'm sorry
Just give me a minute
...
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
Not bad, this is featured... TWICE!
Oh that Rarity! How can you not like her? Other than when she talks crap about your clothes.
How the bloody hell did he manage to eat hay? I say, that's something alright.
Oh yeah and Mass Effect ftw... especially the 1st one.
I have yet to read but I saw this and the first thing that popped into my head was this
2.bp.blogspot.com/-CTFYYvhsTYY/TePzEZbMt8I/AAAAAAAAFMs/dylj2ShM_jM/s1600/pinkfinger_by_capnchryssalid-d3hj9j9.png
1936561rarity?
yep, deffenately going with Rarity.
Hooo boy. Lets see what Twilight says after Bond snaps a few more necks.
So... betrayal. Princesses better get off their butts and intervene. Surprised Lyra hasn't made an appearance yet. I think Bond will have to be frugal with his killing, don't want to freak out the natives too badly. Besides there are unicorns and pegasi to contend with, plus if he still has his gun, no ammo refills in this world.
Humans can't actually digest hay; too much cellulose.
Bond isn't going to be having alot of fun later.
Yeah, gotta say, this story's had a bit too much generic HiE lately, and not nearly enough James Bond. Action! Movement! Those are things that this story needs.
1936955
Yeah. The whole chapter was bland, lacking a real sense of Bond. I mean, Craig is the most action-y, gritty and emotional Bond of them all, and we're seeing casual conversation that could be in any average HiE fic. If action isn't present, add some drama and tension in its stead. We need conflict, not a chapter that's only got a few hundred words of plot advancement.
And then we had that awkward chapter where nothing is actually happening to anybody....
but still this is a good story.
God I'm hungry for some action though.
1936253 James is Scottish, he just lives in England
is this sean connery - james bond or not?
If this story is only half as badass as the description makes it look like, this is going to be awesome.
1937158 I think its Daniel Kraig
1. Mr. Bond is going to have a very hard time getting extra ammunition for his gun. Magic shenanigans or archery mayhaps?
2. It has been hinted at at least twice that Equestria ponies, or some of them, are omnivores -if only occasionally. First, with Pinkie Pie's reference to a hotdog eating contest during her commentary of the Running of the Leaves, then again in the Apple Family Reunion when it shows that AJ and her family raise pigs (which, unlike cows and other livestock animals on the show, have yet to exhibit any signs of sapience) on her farm. While not explicitly canon, it seems to imply that Equestrian Ponies can and occasionally do eat meat, and are herbivores by choice and convenience. Not a big deal though.
3. Since many readers here prefer "show, don't tell" style of writing, maybe you could write a few scenes or a companion fic about certain interactions between Mr. Bond and ponies; for example, a narrative from either Bond's or Twilight's POV of a brief description of some of Earth's "bloodier" events, followed by a letter to the princess on the appearance of Mr. Bond and his lesson on human history.
Now these are just suggestions, little nitpicky things I'm noticing or guessing at. You don't have to actually change how you're writing, since it flows nicely and has very few major errors (and those are noticed and corrected very quickly.) Good work on the chapter!
The bad ponies have 15 henchmen?
Against one Bond?
The poor fools have no idea how outgunned they are.
1937158 Daniel craig
1937722>>1937407 thanks
There are business suits, and business suits.
Perfect, Brute though,
a couple of problems there
I enjoy this story so far. I am sure we'll have action very soon. Bond can't always be fighting and stuff. I wonder if the CMC will try to be Cutie Mark Crusaders Secret Agent Mares.
I can't wait for Twilight (001), Rainbow Dash (002), Applejack (003), Rarity (004), Pinkie Pie (005), Fluttershy (006) and James Bond (007) to show these bad ponies what they are made of.
1937087
I can't believe I forgot that after watching Skyfall!
DERP!
1938218 It was a good movie and one my only thoughts near the end was "this is what happens when you mess with a Scotsman" I'm proud to be Scottish
1938277
I have to agree with you. Skyfall. Was. Awesome.
You know that there's talk about this movie being Danial Craig's last. If it is, then I think this is a good ending point for Craig. If you're going out, go out with a blast!
1936109 Blofeld. Ernst Blofeld.
I saw what you did there.
Perfect reference, especially how surprised James was.
1938307 I believe he's doing Bond 24 and 25, but if this is his last, you are so right.
1936083
Mentioning 'first comment' in a first comment intended to prevent first commenters is kind of self defeating. You still said first and nothing else of value like a first commenter would.
Rarity could have made him a leisure suit. I can't think of any other kind besides.
1938893 Welp, obviously someone doesn't know that people edit comments. I was doing that so no-one would straight up say "first!" and nothing more. I was actually going to edit that, and put in stuff, but now I don't eel like it. In other words,
i.imgur.com/Gwq3M.gif
"latest reports from his men"
shouldn't it be stallions?
explosives and action-packed chapter next?
YAY.