Sky

by Pinkydash

Chapter 2, Turbulence in Eternity

Sky

Chapter 2: Turbulence in Eternity

“You sure about this?”

Twilight Sparkle stood upon the platform of the station with four of her friends, under the bright glow of the morning sunlight. Beside her was the unicorn’s luggage, the porters struggling to get all the boxes aboard the train in time to meet the tight schedule. Despite the nuisance it brought to the train workers, it did provide Twilight with the time to spend what few precious minutes she had left with her friends.

“Positive.”

The four friends cringed at the word. Their hearts went up into their throats, as the reality of this moment dawned upon them.

“It was a really hard choice to say the least.” She frowned at her friend’s reactions. “I never imaged ever leaving this place that I love so much, away from the friends that I care so much about. I suppose though, times have changed.”

An awkward silence fell upon the group of friends. Unsure of what to say in this sort of situation, they looked at each other’s frowning faces, a dark energy flowing among them.

“We all understand,” Applejack was the first to speak up among the friends, a forced smile cast upon her face. “We really do. Celestia’s right about recommending you to study in that prestigious Canterlot University thingy ma jig. There’s still loads to learn about magic, and there’s only so much you can learn in the library in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah... still, I don’t know.” Twilight sighed. “I mean I’ve already made up my mind, but it just feels so wrong to leave all of you behind like this.”

Applejack lightly put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

“Ah shucks Twi, you make it sound like we’re never gonna to see each other again.” She let out a quiet chuckle. “Don’t worry, this isn’t the end of our friendship, we’re just movin’ on to a new phase.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie popped into the conversation. “You can come back and visit Ponyville anytime, or we can go over to Canterlot. We’ll have a party! With cakes, streamers, punch, cookies;ooooh can’t forget the cookies! Oh gosh, this means that we’re going to have double the parties!”

“Uh-huh.” Rainbow Dash joined in. “And I certainly won’t forget such an awesome egghead like you Twilight; that won’t make me a very loyal pony, would it?” She grinned.

“The animals and I are going to miss you Twilight, but it’s like what Pinkie and Applejack said.” Fluttershy gave a small smile. “We’re only a city away from each other, we can go and visit as often as we like.”

“So don’cha worry ‘bout us Twi. Go, and realize your full potential” Applejack moved in for a hug, followed by the other friends. “We’ll still all be friends no matter what.”

Twilight embraced the group hug, her eyes growing a bit watery.

“Thanks girls.” Twilight smiled. “Really, thank you so much.”

“Ah, don’t mention it.” Applejack gripped her friends tighter together. “Good luck at that magical University of yours.”

“Yeah! Go get them with your magical awesomeness, Twilight! Show them who’s the best magician in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash cheered, earning a chuckle from the friends around her.

“Thank you, girls,” Twilight said, letting go of the embrace as the train horn signaled it’s impending departure. “Thank you for everything.

“You better quit thanking us and get on that train, Twi.” Applejack chuckled. “You can thank us all ya want the next time you see us.”

“Mhm! Oh and say hi to Spike and Rarity when you get the chance for me! Tell them I’m sorry about getting confetti and cake all over her latest design.” Pinkie Pie giggled to herself.

“Sure thing, Pinkie.” Twilight chuckled, entering the train as it slowly began to move. “Goodbye girls.” She stared at her friends with watery eyes. “I’ll see you all soon.”

“See you later, Twilight!” the girls replied back, running on the side of the train as it gathered speed, disappearing into the Canterlot mountain ranges in the distance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rainbow Dash stirred awake from her long-winded nap. The cluttered mess of cake crumbs, unorganized cards, and tea cargo surrounded her in the small hot air balloon.

“Pinkie?” Rainbow stretched her forehooves into the sky, easing the sore muscles. “Pinkie Pie?”

The area around them was surrounded by tall stone-built buildings, which reached up straight into the night sky. The basket sat upon a clearing between the buildings, the stone paved streets lit by the lamps all around.

“Pinkie!” Dash hovered out of the basket, the cool air flowed through her mane. “Where the hay are you!?” She called out down the long narrow street.

“Hey you!”

Rainbow Dash turned around to the direction of the voice, coming face to face with three large griffons. They all wore what appeared to be heavy grey armor, slightly glowing under the bright moonlit sky.

“Hey there Griffons!” Rainbow said, leaning her body on the side of the wooden basket. “Element of loyalty here, the one that Celestia sent over to talk to your king. I’m looking for my friend Pinkie Pie, a strange hyperactive pink earth pony. Have you seen her anywhere around—”

The three griffons suddenly jumped onto Rainbow Dash, pinning her down with their weight.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash kicked frantically at her attackers. “What’s the big idea?”

“You are under arrest for trespassing the Great Griffon Kingdom,” one the guards barked out, struggling to hold the powerful pegasus down. “Stop resisting immediately, or we will be forced to use further action against you.”

“Psh! In your dreams!” Rainbow Dash shouted out, rapidly twisting her body and kicking one of the guards in the face. Squeezing through the grip of the remaining two, she managed to free her wings and flapped frantically into the sky. One of the griffons punched Rainbow Dash mid-air with a right hook. She lost control and fell, hitting the ground hard enough to kick up a cloud of dirt. The world around her started to get hazy, the darkness forming all around her until there was nothingness.

Comments

[Crafter]

yay Pinkydash. good luck with your story

[Pinkydash]

1637143
I would actually prefer constructive criticism.

[Pinkydash]

1639905
Thanks ^^

[kits]

1639909
So you want critique, eh?
OCD, ALCOHOL FUELED OTP NITPICKING IS GO!

> she stared at the guard with large puppy eyes.
Personal Pref: "hoofing" is a horrid "ponyism". If you can't stand to use "handing" try "passing". "Hoofing" is far too similar to "fisting".

> she stared at the guard with large puppy eyes.
Capital "she"

In the first section, you have three dialogue tags, none of which is "said". You have two "stated"s and one "grumbled". Overuse of said-bookisms is one thing that becomes tiresome to read very quickly. Here's an article that explains a bit. TL;DR: said is virtually ignored by the reader, whereas they notice other said-isms.

>A light purple unicorn popped up from behind the long wooden desk, her long blonde mane swinging as she did so.
Style: "as she did so" is very dull. You draw attention to "popped up" again, but it's not a very important action. Try to work in her mane color in the next sentence...

>It was early in the morning, and usually she would have an hour or two to grab some of her mother’s muffins for breakfast, before a customer would arrive to receive their mail.
First clause is dreadfully dull. If you want to combine the "blonde mane" and time of day, you could do:
. . ., morning sunlight glinting off of her long blonde mane.
Or something similar. The key here to give us the info without telling it to us. This is actually a tad purple. The time of day could more obliquely be set by having her tummy rumble, followed by the reason she missed breakfast.
Second clause: you almost never use a comma before "and". Commas are used to separate a dependent clause from an independent clause when the dependent clause occurs first. "And" is used to join two independent clauses. In this case, a period instead of "and" works best. Also, people usually "pick up" their mail. While "receive" is valid, it's awkward.
There should not be a comma before "before".
Also, change "would arrive" to "arrived".
The muffin detail is packing a bit too much into this sentence. I'd omit it or bring it up later.
Comma after "Usually", move the first verb to past perfect, change "a" to "any" and you get:
Usually, she would have had an hour or two for breakfast before any customers arrived to pick up their mail.
My point is, this sentence needs to be rewritten. Take my suggestions or some up with your own.
Later: You mention tummy rumbling and muffins later. You don't need them up here, that is enough to establish she eats muffins normally. If you just have her being hungry or move the rumble up here, you won't need the explicit early. I think. It's late; I'm tired.

>This hasn’t been the case for the past month however, as Rainbow Dash —the pony she would least expect to arrive this early—had been bothering her.
That hadn't been the case . . . month, however, as Rainbow Dash, the pony she'd . . . early, had been . . ..
No need for emdash, it's a nested description, not an aside. "However" needs commas on both sides; I'd remove it entirely.

>“Uh-huh.” Dinky grumbled,
Comma instead of period.

>today, and I’m pretty sure it’s
No comma. Since it's dialogue, you could put a period and start with "And". It's grammatically incorrect, but it's how people talk.

>she watched out the window to look out for her mother.
Style: to watch and to look out for mean the same thing. Maybe, she glanced out the window, watching for her mother.

>to aggressively hug the pegasus
Telling: "aggressively" doesn't actually describe the hug at all. The reader is left entirely free to imagine what this could mean. A better route would be to describe the wind getting knocked out of Dash or the way Pinkie's mane was pulled back by the force of her motion. Let the reader come up with "aggressively" based on your description. This holds true of most adverbs (-ly).

>“So did you get the letter yet?”
Comma after "so".

>Her Royal Element of Laughter Bearer
Style:...
Her Royal: really? Pinkie's royalty?
Element of Laughter Bearer: really awkward construct
To The Bearer of the Element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie, and the Bearer of the . . .

>Dear Loyal Esteemed Subjects, I am in need of your assistance.
Line break after comma. Letters do this, don't ask me why.

> We are unsure of the reasoning
Two spaces?

>as we were of finalizing
Extra "of"?

>contact, and believe that
no comma.

I'd go back and kill the comma before "as we" and make it a period. Kill "As" in that case too.

>griffons,as
space before as

>as known by her long friendship with Gilda
As shown? As evinced?

>platform to discuss upon,
>discuss upon
Discuss upon what?

The whole letter is far too overly formal. Celestia does not ever speak like this in the show, nor have any of the letters we've heard sounded like this. I suggest trying to lessen the faux-formalness of this entire bit.

>“So let me get this straight,” Rainbow asked the bouncing Pinkie Pie. “She wants me to come with you.”
...
You can't "ask" a non-question. If you made the first comma a period and the second a comma, and the third a question mark, you'd be okay. Better idea. Replace "asked" with "said". I don't think you've used "said" yet. Please see the above link about said-bookisms. I did a quick search, you only use "said" once as a dialogue tag. PLEASE see that link.

>“Basically," She stood up tall with her hind
Period after "Basically", or use emdashes.

>“Nevermind.” Rainbow said.
The only "said" in the chapter. Comma after "Nevermind".

CHAPTER TWO

>Twilight Sparkle stood upon the platform of the station
Something about "upon the platform of the station" seems overly stiff to me. Dunno what or why.

>Beside her was the unicorn’s luggage, the porters struggling to get all the boxes aboard . . .
Kinda weird: her and unicorn's together referring to the same pony. Maybe reword:
Beside her, the porters struggled to get all of her luggage aboard . . .

> nuisance it brought to the train . . .
it caused the train . . .

>“It was a really hard choice to say the least.”
, to say the least.

>a dark energy flowing among them.
Really telly.

>“We all understand,” Applejack was the first to speak up among the friends,
Period instead of comma after understand.

>thingy ma jig
What is this? That's not Southern orSouthwestern. It's certainly not AJ. And it would be "thingamajig" anyway.

>Twilight; that won’t make me a very
Style. People don't really use semicolons in their speech. Do what you want here, but I'd just use a period.

>Element of loyalty here
Capitalize Loyalty.

- - -

Overall, the piece needs more description. The setting, the characters, their actions, all are barely sketched out and we're given only the basics to go on. You're forcing the reader to fill in a lot and that will bite you when you contradict something they thought they remembered. Perhaps the biggest issue for me was the amount of time that has passed. When I read that Dash was thirty, I was shocked. I don't know how to fix this. On a similar note, I imagined Dinky as a filly until time was established. You've altered the setting fairly drastically here, you need to establish that a lot sooner.

So far there is only a few minor word-choice issues w.r.t characterization to pick at. They aren't major. Word-choice does seem to be a slight weakness as you tend to gravitate to an overly formal wording for many sentences. These come off as stiff. The intent behind the words and actions seems in line with the pony's established characters.

I can't think of anything else to really comment on. I hope it was helpful.

[Pinkydash]

1672700
Wow, I'm actually quite surprised that the author of "Twilight's List" and "Who We Are" would even bother reading my story

Constructive Criticism is always welcome! It helps us less-skilled writers become better.

[Slate the Pegasus]

I love it