• Member Since 23rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 6th, 2014


Hi! I'm Pinkydash! I write story with friends! Member of PINKI3KREW http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=1131


The first royal task in years, a simple diplomatic mission to the Griffon Kingdom. However what should have been a walk in the park for Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash turns out to be so much more.

When the once friendly nation turns against them, the two friends are left with each other to reveal a deep rooted secret, to preserve not only the world balance, but the sacrifices their friends had made over the years.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 7 )

This is great so far
Don't worry I won't point any mistakes if there is any at least I don't read a fic just to point out mistakes. Why am I telling you this? :rainbowhuh:

yay Pinkydash. good luck with your story

I would actually prefer constructive criticism.

So you want critique, eh?

> she stared at the guard with large puppy eyes.
Personal Pref: "hoofing" is a horrid "ponyism". If you can't stand to use "handing" try "passing". "Hoofing" is far too similar to "fisting".

> she stared at the guard with large puppy eyes.
Capital "she"

In the first section, you have three dialogue tags, none of which is "said". You have two "stated"s and one "grumbled". Overuse of said-bookisms is one thing that becomes tiresome to read very quickly. Here's an article that explains a bit. TL;DR: said is virtually ignored by the reader, whereas they notice other said-isms.

>A light purple unicorn popped up from behind the long wooden desk, her long blonde mane swinging as she did so.
Style: "as she did so" is very dull. You draw attention to "popped up" again, but it's not a very important action. Try to work in her mane color in the next sentence...

>It was early in the morning, and usually she would have an hour or two to grab some of her mother’s muffins for breakfast, before a customer would arrive to receive their mail.
First clause is dreadfully dull. If you want to combine the "blonde mane" and time of day, you could do:
. . ., morning sunlight glinting off of her long blonde mane.
Or something similar. The key here to give us the info without telling it to us. This is actually a tad purple. The time of day could more obliquely be set by having her tummy rumble, followed by the reason she missed breakfast.
Second clause: you almost never use a comma before "and". Commas are used to separate a dependent clause from an independent clause when the dependent clause occurs first. "And" is used to join two independent clauses. In this case, a period instead of "and" works best. Also, people usually "pick up" their mail. While "receive" is valid, it's awkward.
There should not be a comma before "before".
Also, change "would arrive" to "arrived".
The muffin detail is packing a bit too much into this sentence. I'd omit it or bring it up later.
Comma after "Usually", move the first verb to past perfect, change "a" to "any" and you get:
Usually, she would have had an hour or two for breakfast before any customers arrived to pick up their mail.
My point is, this sentence needs to be rewritten. Take my suggestions or some up with your own.
Later: You mention tummy rumbling and muffins later. You don't need them up here, that is enough to establish she eats muffins normally. If you just have her being hungry or move the rumble up here, you won't need the explicit early. I think. It's late; I'm tired.

>This hasn’t been the case for the past month however, as Rainbow Dash —the pony she would least expect to arrive this early—had been bothering her.
That hadn't been the case . . . month, however, as Rainbow Dash, the pony she'd . . . early, had been . . ..
No need for emdash, it's a nested description, not an aside. "However" needs commas on both sides; I'd remove it entirely.

>“Uh-huh.” Dinky grumbled,
Comma instead of period.

>today, and I’m pretty sure it’s
No comma. Since it's dialogue, you could put a period and start with "And". It's grammatically incorrect, but it's how people talk.

>she watched out the window to look out for her mother.
Style: to watch and to look out for mean the same thing. Maybe, she glanced out the window, watching for her mother.

>to aggressively hug the pegasus
Telling: "aggressively" doesn't actually describe the hug at all. The reader is left entirely free to imagine what this could mean. A better route would be to describe the wind getting knocked out of Dash or the way Pinkie's mane was pulled back by the force of her motion. Let the reader come up with "aggressively" based on your description. This holds true of most adverbs (-ly).

>“So did you get the letter yet?”
Comma after "so".

>Her Royal Element of Laughter Bearer
Her Royal: really? Pinkie's royalty?
Element of Laughter Bearer: really awkward construct
To The Bearer of the Element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie, and the Bearer of the . . .

>Dear Loyal Esteemed Subjects, I am in need of your assistance.
Line break after comma. Letters do this, don't ask me why.

> We are unsure of the reasoning
Two spaces?

>as we were of finalizing
Extra "of"?

>contact, and believe that
no comma.

I'd go back and kill the comma before "as we" and make it a period. Kill "As" in that case too.

space before as

>as known by her long friendship with Gilda
As shown? As evinced?

>platform to discuss upon,
>discuss upon
Discuss upon what?

The whole letter is far too overly formal. Celestia does not ever speak like this in the show, nor have any of the letters we've heard sounded like this. I suggest trying to lessen the faux-formalness of this entire bit.

>“So let me get this straight,” Rainbow asked the bouncing Pinkie Pie. “She wants me to come with you.”
You can't "ask" a non-question. If you made the first comma a period and the second a comma, and the third a question mark, you'd be okay. Better idea. Replace "asked" with "said". I don't think you've used "said" yet. Please see the above link about said-bookisms. I did a quick search, you only use "said" once as a dialogue tag. PLEASE see that link.

>“Basically," She stood up tall with her hind
Period after "Basically", or use emdashes.

>“Nevermind.” Rainbow said.
The only "said" in the chapter. Comma after "Nevermind".


>Twilight Sparkle stood upon the platform of the station
Something about "upon the platform of the station" seems overly stiff to me. Dunno what or why.

>Beside her was the unicorn’s luggage, the porters struggling to get all the boxes aboard . . .
Kinda weird: her and unicorn's together referring to the same pony. Maybe reword:
Beside her, the porters struggled to get all of her luggage aboard . . .

> nuisance it brought to the train . . .
it caused the train . . .

>“It was a really hard choice to say the least.”
, to say the least.

>a dark energy flowing among them.
Really telly.

>“We all understand,” Applejack was the first to speak up among the friends,
Period instead of comma after understand.

>thingy ma jig
What is this? That's not Southern orSouthwestern. It's certainly not AJ. And it would be "thingamajig" anyway.

>Twilight; that won’t make me a very
Style. People don't really use semicolons in their speech. Do what you want here, but I'd just use a period.

>Element of loyalty here
Capitalize Loyalty.

- - -

Overall, the piece needs more description. The setting, the characters, their actions, all are barely sketched out and we're given only the basics to go on. You're forcing the reader to fill in a lot and that will bite you when you contradict something they thought they remembered. Perhaps the biggest issue for me was the amount of time that has passed. When I read that Dash was thirty, I was shocked. I don't know how to fix this. On a similar note, I imagined Dinky as a filly until time was established. You've altered the setting fairly drastically here, you need to establish that a lot sooner.

So far there is only a few minor word-choice issues w.r.t characterization to pick at. They aren't major. Word-choice does seem to be a slight weakness as you tend to gravitate to an overly formal wording for many sentences. These come off as stiff. The intent behind the words and actions seems in line with the pony's established characters.

I can't think of anything else to really comment on. I hope it was helpful.

Wow, I'm actually quite surprised that the author of "Twilight's List" and "Who We Are" would even bother reading my story:rainbowderp:

Constructive Criticism is always welcome! It helps us less-skilled writers become better.

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