2197063 Apparently so. I would recommend re-reading chapter 2. Luna has yet to have a massive onscreen presence, but her absence is something of a sore point with Celestia, I feel.
This sudden obsession with Luna comes a bit unexpected and sudden - you barely write anything about her, and then go on to describe Celestia having a mental breakdown out of nowhere. Although I think reading everything at once, with the emotional scene of Twilight getting herself killed, might make this more palatable. But as it stands, I dislike the current way you write Celestia. Her emotions need to be more grounded in writing instead of the reader's frivolous speculation. Twilight and Terminus are on the other hand just perfect - I'm reading this story just to see what they do next.
The thought of Twilight brought the same strange floating sensation she had felt the night before, and the sensation of the little unicorn's hoof in hers returned to her.
2x sensation and i think there need to be some commas in the list of adjectives.
“You are forgiven. It was a natural track for one's mind to take, given the information provided...
Needs a closing quotation mark.
There's a lot of small errors in general.
Oh, and that thing with Celestia "not designing her body to feel horny for Twilight" is just brilliant.
2197174 Hmm, yes. I agree that much of what I do with Celestia tends to be hinted at, and I need to do more with that, so that things are clearer. The obsession with Luna... isn't exactly sudden, in my opinion. Celestia has been deeply upset by Luna's isolation since chapter 2. Celestia has been off the entire time since Twilight arrived, but Twilight nearly dying on her is bringing that to the fore. As for the 'mental breakdown'... I'd call what happened when Twilight nearly died pretty close, but what we have at the breakfast table is depression, to my mind. It's not intense enough for it to be a mental breakdown. By the way, have you ever tried to think in straight, concise terms about your feelings while intensely depressed? It's kinda hard. In fact, it's nearly impossible, because being depressed isn't just 'boo-hoo, I'm allergic to my pony', it's a soul crushing illness that... eats away at you, frankly. I wanted to leave a fair amount ambiguous, because people aren't always clear cut about what they feel and thing.
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes, though. I fixed those up pretty much as soon as you mentioned them. Edit: you say there are many small errors, besides the ones you quoted. Couldya be a sport and help me with that?
I'm looking forward to seeing more with Luna. I suspect that Terminus might strike a chord with her, be it simple curiousity, or fascination of something that comes from her domain.. indirectly.
2197369 Not exactly... the name stuck in my head after Celestia referred to her request as a 'proposal', which I figured meant either an obscure marriage pun was in order, or this. It's also a little bit of black humour on how Celestia actually broaches the topic.
2197274 I'm bipolar - I know exactly how it is. As for the literary take on this mental state, it usually boils down to descriptions of emotions. Physical appearance holds no power - after all, from the outside, a depressed person is simply someone who looks sad. The internal monologue is also not the key - the particular wicked brand of reasoning employed by a sick mind is alien to a healthy one. You could talk about colors to blind people with the same effect. What can be relayed through writing though, is the vivid imagery conjured by emotion. "I stood before a black pit that threatened to swallow we whole," comes to mind as the biggest cliche.
The scratching of a quill across paper broke the silence of the library tower, an absent, tuneless humming accompanying it as the quill progressed across the paper.
2x paper
balcony of the tower, the great gulf of night stretching out overhead. Something shifted sluggishly on a dark tower
2x tower + another one in the next sentence.
Black and blue plumage, blending well with the black roof of the tower, but she could just make out the form of a pony in the moonlight.
There is no action verb in this sentence.
And that's just the very first part. You just wrote everything out and skimmed it afterwards, didn't you? Here's what I do to force my brain to stop automatically skipping over the parts of the text I've already read: Change the font, text size, paragraph width, background color and text color. Then suddenly everything looks 'fresh' and alien, forcing the full process of reading and comprehending instead of just conjuring up images from memory.
Anyway, I'm sorry for bashing on your writing so much - I know how much it sucks when someone criticizes something you poured your heart into, but you know, you can't improve without an outside perspective.
2197394 The use of imagery to describe emotion can work for this, but I feel it is often easy to overuse it, and for the writing to become trite or cliche, as you said. Imagery that works for you can seem utterly ridiculous for others, therefore I try quite hard to avoid the use of similes and metaphors in general, although they are occasionally helpful in describing difficult emotions. I too have issues with depression, and I've had to be talked back from the metaphorical edge more than once. It's... not awfully fun, is it? How would one describe that, at the time? I tried to use my general experiences with that side of things to influence Celestia's general viewpoint and style, and while writing it, I actually began feeling quite fatalistic, I have to say.
Is an action verb actually necessary in that sentence, considering it's already a sentence fragment (denoting at least in part that this is influenced by Twilight's perspective) leading on from the previous? I agree that tower was used one too many times in that section, although there are only so many synonyms one can use before it becomes superfluous.
I'll have to take a look at your writing, since what I've seen seems to indicate we think along similar lines, for the most part. Maybe I can learn something from it.
Edit: 2197403 Sorry, almost missed you while I was talking with cherry. I'll think on it, and if I find a part where I can keep the joke without it seeming farcical or too forced, then I'm sure I can squeeze it in during some of the political mumbo-jumbo.
-before Twilight left the bedroom- Star Charmer: Lady Sparkle why is there pillows in your mane? Twilight: (face hoof) I don't know..... Maybe my mane wants to sleep in or something. Star Charmer: (sweat drop) -------------------
Love how the the story is shaping up! Be funny if Twilights' mane starts to manifest its' own feelings. Can't wait to see where this story leads!
Her horn glowed gently, but that was mainly to keep Rock Steady, and any others who might be watching, secure in the knowledge that unicorns were capable of powerful magic
2205516 Ahh... nostalgia. I love that game. I had actually pictured Terminus' voice more female than male, and generally very 'whispery', for lack of a better word, but when it raises it's voice... well, bang on, mate. Thanks, by the way, chapter nine is in the works
good chapter. i like the maid, although i can't really see the point of having her so 'special', guess that will become important later; terminus reaction towards the maid is also quite entertaining: "the maid is unconsciously mildly psychic=she could become a threat/i don't like her". i think i have to re-read some parts, as i got confused with the meaning behind "my friends' problem" and "luna is gonna kill me", the former solved itself when i remembered something about twilight having a longer life and not wanting to let go of her friends, but the other one still confuses me, is twilight merely being twilight or am i just tired and forgetful?
Was the name of this chapter a joke about Twilight briefly thinking about cutting up ponies? Because it has the same title as a proposition to start eating orphans or something similar to regulate populations...
Just great. So my mane hates my maid, my maid dislikes being near me, you apparently dislike being near my maid... Celestia dislikes being near you... argh!
What?
DId i miss something about Luna?
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw9091.gif
Awesome chapter!
More TwiLestia!
2197063
Apparently so. I would recommend re-reading chapter 2. Luna has yet to have a massive onscreen presence, but her absence is something of a sore point with Celestia, I feel.
2197080
Damn I feel stupid for forgetting that thanks for directing back to that chapter!
2197080 2197063
This sudden obsession with Luna comes a bit unexpected and sudden - you barely write anything about her, and then go on to describe Celestia having a mental breakdown out of nowhere. Although I think reading everything at once, with the emotional scene of Twilight getting herself killed, might make this more palatable. But as it stands, I dislike the current way you write Celestia. Her emotions need to be more grounded in writing instead of the reader's frivolous speculation. Twilight and Terminus are on the other hand just perfect - I'm reading this story just to see what they do next.
2x sensation and i think there need to be some commas in the list of adjectives.
Needs a closing quotation mark.
There's a lot of small errors in general.
Oh, and that thing with Celestia "not designing her body to feel horny for Twilight" is just brilliant.
I love this story. so many bests in the comedy sector, anyway I love Twi's made not because of herself but because of how she makes Twilight react.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
2197174
Hmm, yes. I agree that much of what I do with Celestia tends to be hinted at, and I need to do more with that, so that things are clearer. The obsession with Luna... isn't exactly sudden, in my opinion. Celestia has been deeply upset by Luna's isolation since chapter 2. Celestia has been off the entire time since Twilight arrived, but Twilight nearly dying on her is bringing that to the fore. As for the 'mental breakdown'... I'd call what happened when Twilight nearly died pretty close, but what we have at the breakfast table is depression, to my mind. It's not intense enough for it to be a mental breakdown. By the way, have you ever tried to think in straight, concise terms about your feelings while intensely depressed? It's kinda hard. In fact, it's nearly impossible, because being depressed isn't just 'boo-hoo, I'm allergic to my pony', it's a soul crushing illness that... eats away at you, frankly. I wanted to leave a fair amount ambiguous, because people aren't always clear cut about what they feel and thing.
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes, though. I fixed those up pretty much as soon as you mentioned them.
Edit: you say there are many small errors, besides the ones you quoted. Couldya be a sport and help me with that?
I'm looking forward to seeing more with Luna. I suspect that Terminus might strike a chord with her, be it simple curiousity, or fascination of something that comes from her domain.. indirectly.
Are you referencing "A Modest Proposal" with the name of this chapter?
2197369
Not exactly... the name stuck in my head after Celestia referred to her request as a 'proposal', which I figured meant either an obscure marriage pun was in order, or this. It's also a little bit of black humour on how Celestia actually broaches the topic.
2197274 I'm bipolar - I know exactly how it is.
As for the literary take on this mental state, it usually boils down to descriptions of emotions. Physical appearance holds no power - after all, from the outside, a depressed person is simply someone who looks sad. The internal monologue is also not the key - the particular wicked brand of reasoning employed by a sick mind is alien to a healthy one. You could talk about colors to blind people with the same effect. What can be relayed through writing though, is the vivid imagery conjured by emotion. "I stood before a black pit that threatened to swallow we whole," comes to mind as the biggest cliche.
2x paper
2x tower + another one in the next sentence.
There is no action verb in this sentence.
And that's just the very first part. You just wrote everything out and skimmed it afterwards, didn't you? Here's what I do to force my brain to stop automatically skipping over the parts of the text I've already read: Change the font, text size, paragraph width, background color and text color. Then suddenly everything looks 'fresh' and alien, forcing the full process of reading and comprehending instead of just conjuring up images from memory.
Anyway, I'm sorry for bashing on your writing so much - I know how much it sucks when someone criticizes something you poured your heart into, but you know, you can't improve without an outside perspective.
2197388 Well is there still going to be a part with somepony making a suggestion about selling foals to nobles as food?
2197394
The use of imagery to describe emotion can work for this, but I feel it is often easy to overuse it, and for the writing to become trite or cliche, as you said. Imagery that works for you can seem utterly ridiculous for others, therefore I try quite hard to avoid the use of similes and metaphors in general, although they are occasionally helpful in describing difficult emotions. I too have issues with depression, and I've had to be talked back from the metaphorical edge more than once. It's... not awfully fun, is it? How would one describe that, at the time? I tried to use my general experiences with that side of things to influence Celestia's general viewpoint and style, and while writing it, I actually began feeling quite fatalistic, I have to say.
Is an action verb actually necessary in that sentence, considering it's already a sentence fragment (denoting at least in part that this is influenced by Twilight's perspective) leading on from the previous? I agree that tower was used one too many times in that section, although there are only so many synonyms one can use before it becomes superfluous.
I'll have to take a look at your writing, since what I've seen seems to indicate we think along similar lines, for the most part. Maybe I can learn something from it.
Edit: 2197403
Sorry, almost missed you while I was talking with cherry. I'll think on it, and if I find a part where I can keep the joke without it seeming farcical or too forced, then I'm sure I can squeeze it in during some of the political mumbo-jumbo.
-before Twilight left the bedroom-
Star Charmer: Lady Sparkle why is there pillows in your mane?
Twilight: (face hoof) I don't know..... Maybe my mane wants to sleep in or something.
Star Charmer: (sweat drop)
-------------------
Love how the the story is shaping up! Be funny if Twilights' mane starts to manifest its' own feelings.
Can't wait to see where this story leads!
2198574
Thanks
Edit:
2198810
Be my proofreader... pwease?
unwilling to show Twilight her ungainly slum.
I suspect you probably meant "slump"
This is quite a unique story! I look forward to seeing where it goes.
I think that should be "only unicorns".
2200063
Eh, that was initially intended to be like that. But it does look better as 'only unicorns', yes.
2205516
Ahh... nostalgia. I love that game. I had actually pictured Terminus' voice more female than male, and generally very 'whispery', for lack of a better word, but when it raises it's voice... well, bang on, mate. Thanks, by the way, chapter nine is in the works
I still say Terminus is an ass =P
good chapter. i like the maid, although i can't really see the point of having her so 'special', guess that will become important later; terminus reaction towards the maid is also quite entertaining: "the maid is unconsciously mildly psychic=she could become a threat/i don't like her".
i think i have to re-read some parts, as i got confused with the meaning behind "my friends' problem" and "luna is gonna kill me", the former solved itself when i remembered something about twilight having a longer life and not wanting to let go of her friends, but the other one still confuses me, is twilight merely being twilight or am i just tired and forgetful?
2268539
Twilight's being her neurotic self and assuming the very worst about her planned meeting with Luna, that's all.
I do like what you're doing with the magic in this. Reminds me of Thaumcraft, H.P. Lovecraft, and Myth Adventures in all the best ways.
I like what I've seen thus far. Upvoting.
Was the name of this chapter a joke about Twilight briefly thinking about cutting up ponies? Because it has the same title as a proposition to start eating orphans or something similar to regulate populations...
Hilarious.