And glad to see another chapter of this story. Hope all went well during the move, and looking forward to more from you!
2516335 Psh, why not both, good sir? In one corner you have Celestia, who has watched her grow up from a filly. She held Twilight as Twilight nearly died in her hooves, showing emotions that she could have possibly withheld for who knows how many centuries. In the other corner, Luna, bitter, disconnected from society, seeing herself as above their 'creations'. Twilight could ground her back to reality, and have her live in the moment once more. TwiLunEstia for the win, in my personal opinion!
Looking at it with groups though, TwiLestia is the most probably choice, unless the author wants to go with the other options.
I have some mixed feelings about the tone of this chapter. One one hand it is solemn and somewhat grandiose in the intricacies of the world you are painting and on the other, the atmosphere gets smashed to bits by silliness and comedy.
One big criticism I have is the amount of different voices in conversations. There is Celestia, Twilight, Twilight's thoughts, Terminus, the servant, Celestia's inner monologue, Luna and finally Celestia's memory of Luna. I had trouble keeping up with who thought and said what to whom, despite the fairly consistent stylization.
I think it would work much better if Celestia's musings of the past were put into a few separate paragraphs instead of being sprinkled throughout the chapter. Her inner monologue also seems a bit out of place and I would suggest refraining from putting Celestia's thoughts explicitly into words. Although, a paragraph or two in first person might work equally well.
Despite all that, I love your style. Keep churning out these chapters!
2517870 Hmm, the silliness and comedy only really comes out through Twilight and Terminus, who I find play off each other brilliantly, so that just sorta happened I guess. The grandioseness... that's a side effect, really, of the way I've come to write Celestia. It's her... tone, I guess. It's not really so much that I was trying to create an atmosphere with that, just make sure that each character has a distinct 'feel' to them, especially the two protagonists in this, Twilight and Celestia. Now, I can't really have Celestia be a main protagonist without showing her thoughts, because otherwise she's... horrifyingly random, frankly, to an outside observer. She reminds me of a sea urchin .
It's Terminus that I've pretty much sworn to never write the viewpoint of, with the exception of the dreams it shows Twilight, which may be altered beforehand if necessary. As to whether that's even Terminus' memory, and not something entirely fabricated to push Twilight to a particular conclusion... well, we'll have to wait and see, won't we?
Yes, I should probably not sprinkle thoughts into paragraphs, and give them their own paragraph (treat them more like speech, perhaps). I understand it's probably confusing, but a general rule of thumb is that I try to make it blatantly obvious whose viewpoint a scene is told from, and if there's italics, those thoughts belong to that character. The one exception to this would be lines quoted from previous chapters, like Luna's line about Celestia becoming alike to ponies, which are the only italicised things to use speech marks. Other than that, standard dialogue rules apply... I think I've got them right. If I'm doing something wrong on the way I structure/punctuate my dialogue, please, let me know .
Always a pleasure to hear from you, Cherry. I treasure your input, even if we don't always agree .
great chapter! i shudder at the thought of the coming conversation between luna and twilight, i have a feeling that it's not gonna go very well. also, shouldn't creating money be equivalent to counterfeit money?
I now predict (or possibly hope for) TwiLestia as well as LuMinus. That would be very fun.
On a slightly crazier note (based on wild theories) I also predict that Terminus, as well as other beings from the void somehow impart the smell of honeysuckle when they come in close contact with residents of Equestria. When Twilight first shows her new mane to Spike and Terminus spoke to her, she smelled honeysuckle for no apparent reason. Luna's mane smelled like honeysuckle to Celestia when they hugged, and in this chapter Celestia reveals she has a pact with someone or something. It stands to reason that Luna would also have a pact, making whatever part of her is fifth dimensional (as Terminus apparently is) react and create the honeysuckle scent. Furthermore, when Twilight and Celestia step into the garden during the dinner (before they try to grenade Celestia) they smell honeysuckle (which could be because there are honeysuckle flowers present) or which is due to the amount of power expended by both Celestia and Terminus in trying to save Twilight's life. Due to the fifth dimensional nature of Terminus (if not Celestia herself) and the commonly held theory that the fourth dimension is in fact time, the honeysuckle scent would manifest itself before the event.
Did I mention how much I love the name combination "LuMinus"?
The comedic bit I was referring to is the scene with Celestia listening in on Twilight trying to get her horn dislodged from the desk. Twilight's usual banter with Terminus is great as always.
As for the grandness and solemn tone - that's not Celestia. Bah! Far from it! Precisely because you've shown her motivation and thoughts, she comes off as a scared filly running around and trying to get things fixed to the best of her ability. Celestia behaves and thinks like a normal person would. The crush on Twilight does not help to alleviate that impression. And honestly, it fits so well with Luna going off on about how Celestia resembles mere mortals. There is no mystery, no grand schemes and plotting - just a mare desperate to keep those close to her happy.
Luna is grandiose. And mysterious. Why? Because there is little of her. And majority of her appearances are either ponies talking about her or remembering her. That's the key to writing otherworldly characters that have an aura of mystique about them.
The tone of the chapter I was referring to in my original comment comes not from characters, but from the snippets of the world's mechanics. Outer planes, the nature of magic, Twilight's abilities and so on - that is, in my opinion, where the haunting and solemn tone comes from.
About the way you write inner monologue. Twilight doesn't really talk to herself as much as she think to Terminus. In her case, explicitly writing out the thought process is acceptable. But Celestia? I'd rather see her written as one normally writes - instead of:
Celestia stood on the roof looking at the rising sun Oh what a nice dawn. Man, I'd kill for some biscuits right about now.
This:
Celestia stood on the roof enjoying the sunrise as a sudden craving for biscuits surfaced in her mind.
2520378 You have a very interesting idea, here. I like honeysuckle, don't you?
2520063 Regarding the medipony team... gods, I can't believe I didn't catch that. This is what comes from writing out of the seat of your pants, I guess. *puts on editing cap*
Huh. Shows how much I know, I guess. Having Celestia behave like a... well, a teenager, tbh and doing this in a somewhat believable manner was actually one of my main aims, while still retaining that slightly ornate feel to her speech, etcetera. My plans... I try to plan for this fic, and it all just ends up going out of the window partway through the next chapter I write. I never intended for a lot of the shit that's happened so far, such as Twilight nearly dying. So yeah. I guess my ideas on emergent properties weren't too well thought out, there.
Also, regarding Celestia's thoughts, it'd be rather difficult to go back and change that now, and a sudden change in the way I write her thoughts (i.e. if I started doing it a different way next chapter) would look incredibly awkward to anyone reading through this in one go. I kinda like it how it is, because it makes it very easy to show certain aspects of her that would normally require a narrative shift to first person. I don't really like writing in first person that much, it always seems to go horribly wrong, but this... this seemed to work. Perhaps it's lazy writing, I don't know. I worry that if I were to remove a lot of Celestia's inner monologue, parts of the story would appear horribly random, and some events would be... diminished.
2681112 mmh, I've been trying to write without a timeline, as suggested by a friend. I have around half of chapter 11 done, but that's mostly because chapter 10 is proving to be a bitch. Google hangouts with the WRITE chat utterly kill my productivity
I remember putting this story off for some reason. Fucked if I can remember why I didn't read it until now, though. Terminus seems like such a nice, mysterious eldritch creature!
I liked it! The plot is thickening.
Curious who the romance will be focused on. I think it is TwiLestia though.
Good show sir!
Sorry for two months? I follow Composure; that story started in 2011 methinks, and its 6 chapters in. I'm used to waiting~
Interesting little tidbit with that magic leak and the whole "time" theme there.
But I do have a bullwhip, dear one.
Chapter 9 was worth the wait :)
And glad to see another chapter of this story. Hope all went well during the move, and looking forward to more from you!
2516335
Psh, why not both, good sir?
In one corner you have Celestia, who has watched her grow up from a filly. She held Twilight as Twilight nearly died in her hooves, showing emotions that she could have possibly withheld for who knows how many centuries.
In the other corner, Luna, bitter, disconnected from society, seeing herself as above their 'creations'. Twilight could ground her back to reality, and have her live in the moment once more.
TwiLunEstia for the win, in my personal opinion!
Looking at it with groups though, TwiLestia is the most probably choice, unless the author wants to go with the other options.
I have some mixed feelings about the tone of this chapter. One one hand it is solemn and somewhat grandiose in the intricacies of the world you are painting and on the other, the atmosphere gets smashed to bits by silliness and comedy.
One big criticism I have is the amount of different voices in conversations. There is Celestia, Twilight, Twilight's thoughts, Terminus, the servant, Celestia's inner monologue, Luna and finally Celestia's memory of Luna. I had trouble keeping up with who thought and said what to whom, despite the fairly consistent stylization.
I think it would work much better if Celestia's musings of the past were put into a few separate paragraphs instead of being sprinkled throughout the chapter. Her inner monologue also seems a bit out of place and I would suggest refraining from putting Celestia's thoughts explicitly into words. Although, a paragraph or two in first person might work equally well.
Despite all that, I love your style. Keep churning out these chapters!
2517870
Hmm, the silliness and comedy only really comes out through Twilight and Terminus, who I find play off each other brilliantly, so that just sorta happened I guess. The grandioseness... that's a side effect, really, of the way I've come to write Celestia. It's her... tone, I guess. It's not really so much that I was trying to create an atmosphere with that, just make sure that each character has a distinct 'feel' to them, especially the two protagonists in this, Twilight and Celestia. Now, I can't really have Celestia be a main protagonist without showing her thoughts, because otherwise she's... horrifyingly random, frankly, to an outside observer. She reminds me of a sea urchin .
It's Terminus that I've pretty much sworn to never write the viewpoint of, with the exception of the dreams it shows Twilight, which may be altered beforehand if necessary. As to whether that's even Terminus' memory, and not something entirely fabricated to push Twilight to a particular conclusion... well, we'll have to wait and see, won't we?
Yes, I should probably not sprinkle thoughts into paragraphs, and give them their own paragraph (treat them more like speech, perhaps). I understand it's probably confusing, but a general rule of thumb is that I try to make it blatantly obvious whose viewpoint a scene is told from, and if there's italics, those thoughts belong to that character. The one exception to this would be lines quoted from previous chapters, like Luna's line about Celestia becoming alike to ponies, which are the only italicised things to use speech marks. Other than that, standard dialogue rules apply... I think I've got them right. If I'm doing something wrong on the way I structure/punctuate my dialogue, please, let me know .
Always a pleasure to hear from you, Cherry. I treasure your input, even if we don't always agree .
great chapter! i shudder at the thought of the coming conversation between luna and twilight, i have a feeling that it's not gonna go very well. also, shouldn't creating money be equivalent to counterfeit money?
I now predict (or possibly hope for) TwiLestia as well as LuMinus. That would be very fun.
On a slightly crazier note (based on wild theories) I also predict that Terminus, as well as other beings from the void somehow impart the smell of honeysuckle when they come in close contact with residents of Equestria. When Twilight first shows her new mane to Spike and Terminus spoke to her, she smelled honeysuckle for no apparent reason. Luna's mane smelled like honeysuckle to Celestia when they hugged, and in this chapter Celestia reveals she has a pact with someone or something. It stands to reason that Luna would also have a pact, making whatever part of her is fifth dimensional (as Terminus apparently is) react and create the honeysuckle scent. Furthermore, when Twilight and Celestia step into the garden during the dinner (before they try to grenade Celestia) they smell honeysuckle (which could be because there are honeysuckle flowers present) or which is due to the amount of power expended by both Celestia and Terminus in trying to save Twilight's life. Due to the fifth dimensional nature of Terminus (if not Celestia herself) and the commonly held theory that the fourth dimension is in fact time, the honeysuckle scent would manifest itself before the event.
Did I mention how much I love the name combination "LuMinus"?
2518477
The comedic bit I was referring to is the scene with Celestia listening in on Twilight trying to get her horn dislodged from the desk. Twilight's usual banter with Terminus is great as always.
As for the grandness and solemn tone - that's not Celestia. Bah! Far from it! Precisely because you've shown her motivation and thoughts, she comes off as a scared filly running around and trying to get things fixed to the best of her ability. Celestia behaves and thinks like a normal person would. The crush on Twilight does not help to alleviate that impression. And honestly, it fits so well with Luna going off on about how Celestia resembles mere mortals. There is no mystery, no grand schemes and plotting - just a mare desperate to keep those close to her happy.
Luna is grandiose. And mysterious. Why? Because there is little of her. And majority of her appearances are either ponies talking about her or remembering her. That's the key to writing otherworldly characters that have an aura of mystique about them.
The tone of the chapter I was referring to in my original comment comes not from characters, but from the snippets of the world's mechanics. Outer planes, the nature of magic, Twilight's abilities and so on - that is, in my opinion, where the haunting and solemn tone comes from.
About the way you write inner monologue. Twilight doesn't really talk to herself as much as she think to Terminus. In her case, explicitly writing out the thought process is acceptable. But Celestia? I'd rather see her written as one normally writes - instead of:
Celestia stood on the roof looking at the rising sun Oh what a nice dawn. Man, I'd kill for some biscuits right about now.
This:
Celestia stood on the roof enjoying the sunrise as a sudden craving for biscuits surfaced in her mind.
2520378
You have a very interesting idea, here. I like honeysuckle, don't you?
2520063
Regarding the medipony team... gods, I can't believe I didn't catch that. This is what comes from writing out of the seat of your pants, I guess. *puts on editing cap*
2520428
Huh. Shows how much I know, I guess. Having Celestia behave like a... well, a teenager, tbh and doing this in a somewhat believable manner was actually one of my main aims, while still retaining that slightly ornate feel to her speech, etcetera. My plans... I try to plan for this fic, and it all just ends up going out of the window partway through the next chapter I write. I never intended for a lot of the shit that's happened so far, such as Twilight nearly dying. So yeah. I guess my ideas on emergent properties weren't too well thought out, there.
Also, regarding Celestia's thoughts, it'd be rather difficult to go back and change that now, and a sudden change in the way I write her thoughts (i.e. if I started doing it a different way next chapter) would look incredibly awkward to anyone reading through this in one go. I kinda like it how it is, because it makes it very easy to show certain aspects of her that would normally require a narrative shift to first person. I don't really like writing in first person that much, it always seems to go horribly wrong, but this... this seemed to work. Perhaps it's lazy writing, I don't know. I worry that if I were to remove a lot of Celestia's inner monologue, parts of the story would appear horribly random, and some events would be... diminished.
keep at this story bro.
2542646
You are the first person to catch that, afaik. It wasn't even subtle, but it was too good to pass up. Good job
I enjoyed it a lot. Keep it up bro
You are reaching the two month mark again :0
Quick!
2681112
mmh, I've been trying to write without a timeline, as suggested by a friend. I have around half of chapter 11 done, but that's mostly because chapter 10 is proving to be a bitch. Google hangouts with the WRITE chat utterly kill my productivity
2684941
They're pretty good on toast. Other than that... meh. I prefer apples, myself
I remember putting this story off for some reason. Fucked if I can remember why I didn't read it until now, though. Terminus seems like such a nice, mysterious eldritch creature!
When will the next update arrive?