Juke Box Ponies

by NightmareDash

My Little Pony: Making Sh*t Up is Magic

"It's amazing! I've never seen anything like it before! I mean, I've seen jukeboxes before, who hasn't? That would be silly to say I'd never seen a jukebox before, since they're in practically every..."

"Twilight!"

"Oh, did I ramble? I'm sorry, I have rambling issues."

Back at Vinyl's apartment, she and Twilight Sparkle were taking a look at the mysterious jukebox. With her better-honed magical abilities, Vinyl figured Twilight could pick out any spells or whatnot at work in the machine, and her confidence was further strengthened when Twilight emptied five books on mechanical engineering and jukebox design from her saddlebags. It was funny; Vinyl had a sizable collection of music memorabilia, including several antique jukeboxes. But this was the only one that ran on its own, and come to think of it, she had no idea how she got her hooves on it in the first place.

"So why does it turn on and start playing music without me even doing anything?"

"I don't know! There's no active magic at work inside, no enchantments on the parts, no self-activating mechanism, nothing! For all intents and purposes, this thing should be out of commission!"

"Well I saw it grab a record, put it down on the turntable and drop a needle. Twice, and both times no sound came out."

"That's another thing, I looked at the wiring top to bottom, and that part's all fine! If the needle was down, the power was on and a record was spinning, it should play music. That's about the only thing in the machine still functioning. This entire device makes absolutely no sense!"

"And then there's the records the thing played..."

"Exactly my point! I did an overnight cross-reference check on both All About Soul and Skyfall, and neither turned up in any copyright archives, advertisements or music reviews. Same story with the artists; not a thing to be found on Billy Joel or ADELE. But I agree with you that the name All About Soul reminds me of that incident at the Royal Wedding. Still, nothing on Skyfall. I'm well and truly baffled. I think we should call in Doctor Whooves to look at this; he seems to be the resident expert on the illogical and unexplainable."

"Definitely."

But suddenly, the jukebox came to life, interior parts clicking and whirring. The rusted metal arm rose up, twisted around, and grabbed a third record, then deposited it on the turntable. Like clockwork, the needle arm rotated then dropped down into the record's outer groove, and the turntable began spinning. "Ooh!" said Twilight excitedly, but the label on this record puzzled Vinyl even more.

"I thought Voltaire was a philosopher, not a musician. And even if he was, why would he be singing a song called "The U.S.S. Make Sh...?"

---

DIRTY LANGUAGE ALERT! The following song is uncensored. If this in any way offends, disturbs, perturbs, incenses, or in some other way causes a negative response in you, please leave this page immediately. Never come back. We at NightmareDash try to respect the sensibilities of all our readers; thus we have included this courtesy warning.

Following Princess Twilight's coronation, the first thing she did was try to regroup with her real friends. Swarmed by a horde of sweet-talking bureaucrats and eligible bachelors, this proved easier said than done. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie's antics had a way of driving off high-society crowds.

"Oh girls, I'm so glad to finally be alone with you! You have no idea how many ponies are trying to curry favor with the new princess."

"Yeah, Twi, congratulations on that! We're all really happy for ya, and if you ever need help haulin' the load, let us know."

"Quite right, darling. These Canterlot high-society types can be a nightmare to deal with, and as a princess you'll be getting to know them quite a bit more than you'd like. I'm ripe with advice for handling the stresses of such a life, so please do ask if you ever feel the need."

"Totally! Being a princess means you're a commander-in-chief of the Royal Guard, and the Wonderbolts too! Your job is to keep Equestria safe more than anything else. And, as you well know, I'm the fastest, sneakiest, most agile, and overall awesomest pegasus on the planet! "Her Majesty" will need a secret service, and I'm just the pony to be in charge!"

"I can... um... take care of the library in Ponyville.... wh-wh-while you're gone being a princess. That is... unless you still want to run it, of course."

"Don't worry, girls, I doubt being a princess will be that hard. Pinkie, you've been kinda quiet lately, what's up?"

"Oh, Twilight, I was just thinking that the Elements of Harmony turned you into an alicorn."

"Yes, yes they did, Pinkie. Remember, you were there?"

"So that means that the Elements can now send ponies to the Moon, banish evil beings from existence, turn living things to stone, turn stone back into living things, and now turn ponies into alicorns. You know, when I skimmed the reference guide, it never mentioned any of this."

"Well I'm glad it can do all of those things, because without them Equestria would be in grave danger."

"Sure, but doesn't it just seem like all this stuff about the magic of friendship, the power of love, the Crystal Heart, etcetera seem a bit made up as we're going along?"

Irish folk music suddenly began playing from no apparent source, sending Pinkie into a jig.

"About a thousand years ago, before both you and me
Princess Luna turned into a nightmare drama queen
But it didn't take much effort to send her to her end
All Celestia had to do was be a damn good friend

But after such a long time, Nightmare Moon came back
At the perfect time for you to foresee her attack
Not a lot had changed, see, we didn't need to fight
All it took was friendship to stop eternal night

And so we
Turned some tacky necklaces into a rainbow beam of doom
Threw a tiara in the mix and OHKO'd Nightmare Moon
Nothing in Equestria can pose a threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

And after that came Discord, with fans he's quite a hit
His chaos powers justify some crazy made-up shit
He broke out 'cause some fillies fought, we're not sure how that works
He gave us each a breaking speech and turned us into jerks

Equestria was upside-down, the boss was on a roll
Until Spike started barfin' up a million scrolls
It turns out Twilight knew the spell to turn us back to friends
We just wish she'd a used it back when this shit began

So we said
Use the necklace laser beam to turn the psycho back to stone
Why not send him to the Moon or kill him? We don't really know
Even the Q Continuum can't pose a threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

It turns out Rainbow Dash, by flying very fast
Can pull a nuclear explosion right out of her ass
I can sense things coming by just the slightest twitch
And Fluttershy's got a death stare to help her smack a bitch

Then came all the changelings, on the royal wedding day
They change their shape and feed on love, but just showed up today
They'd made a threat against us, so I guess we shoulda seen
It coming when Cadence turned into the changeling queen

So we said
Find the real Cadence, know the perfect way to get her out
To get her to the wedding just before they seal their binding vows
We cannot use the Elements, but the power of love can help
We'll bake some fresh shit right from scratch and blow them all to hell

Then came the Crystal Empire, it happened to reappear
But if it had been gone so long, who found out it was there?
It was ruled by King Sombra, but we beat his ass too
We used a heart-shaped crystal, just like in Daring Do

And so came this adventure, you said an old spell wrong
But you got the perfect recipe to switch our Cutie Marks
You fixed us and got the spell right, among other things
And then we used the Elements to give you fucking wings

We just said
Forget all the old ways that we'd fix problems as bad as this
Use the magic of friendship, just tack on some brand-new shit
Is there anything that fucking magic cannot fix?
I doubt it, it's the writers' single greatest source of shit

But that was just the big stuff, so I really ought to say
We run into shit like that on ordinary days
If we can't use magic, we still know just what to do
Zecora's got an answer in some drugged-up foreign brew

Babies fly and do magic when I am foalsitting
But Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle can't do a fucking thing
Fashion's a huge industry, as Rarity surely knows
But the jury's still out on whether ponies should wear clothes

And I say,
Make a random spell to fix up any problem that we face
Plot-convenient shit just happens, let's accept it with some grace
Trixie and the Flim-Flam Bros, they pose no threat to us
‘Cause if we find we’re in a bind, we just make some shit up!

Bonus Verse!

Now that you're a princess, more crazy shit goes down
An angry ex-apprentice up and goes and steals your crown
She throws it through a mirror that's a portal to the Earth
You know they're gonna milk this for all the shit it's worth

So you get stuck in high school, a human, rather strange
But you find friends just like us, 'specially since our names don't change
But with all the drama, I think you forgot something:
Why'd you have to win the crown, just steal the fucking thing!

And I say
Bounce a rainbow friendship beam off the magic mirror, um,
Channel through the Crystal Heart, then charge it with the power of love
In the end, there's nothing that can pose a threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind, we're totally screwed but never mind
We'll pull something out of our behinds...

"What does Celestia need with another princess?"

...we just make some shit up!

Pinkie finished her jig, but then shook her head rapidly and awoke with a cocked eyebrow and puzzled expression. Fluttershy took the long-denied opportunity to gasp.

"Such language!"

"Yeah, Pinkie, I know I'm not the best to be talkin' about this, but dontcha think that was a mite too vulgar?"

"Girls, that wasn't me! I mean, it was my voice, and my body, but I wasn't telling them to do that! You girls know I never swear, especially not in songs!"

"That's strange, it sounds a lot like what happened to Cadence and my brother at the wedding reception. Spontanteous music from an unknown source, along with out-of-control singing and dancing. But Pinkie, you sang something about an angry ex-apprentice and a magic mirror. Who would hate me so much to make them want to steal my crown? And what are 'humans'?"

Comments

[pyropyro]

VOLTAIRE!! you sir, have won the internet!!!
have a fluttershy

P.S. Speaking of Voltaire, I just received my Pony Of Doom from his website!

[NightmareDash]

3101946 Very cool. Thanks for the Fluttershy, I give you a Rainbow Dash in return .

Honestly, I decided to listen to that song after seeing lyrics to it on TVTropes, and hearing the whole thing, I knew the concept could very easily be cross-applied from Star Trek to MLP.