An arm crawled jerkily over the tray of records, slowly falling and clasping the one selected. Well, selected wasn't the best word. Vinyl had felt around a little with her magic, prodded at all the gears and levers, flipped a power switch, but she never did a thing to set the antique jukebox in motion. It was doing this itself. By now, the arm had twisted itself over the turntable, and the record dropped onto the spinning plate.
Another arm brought a needle down on the disc, but as the vinyl spun, not a sound could be heard coming from the speakers. Just the faint tinge of static. This was curious, indeed; Vinyl knew the thing was in working order, since she'd checked every wire and mechanical piece herself. Every piece worked perfectly, except the music wouldn't play. But curiouser and curiouser, she saw that the label on the disc wasn't anything she'd seen before. This was some new music, or very old, she supposed. But if she could just make out what the song was...
"Who is Billy Joel?"
The name of the song was equally foreign to her: All About Soul.
"Wait...I think I remember that... the wedding?"
Many miles away, many months before, in the gardens of the Royal Palace, the reception for the wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor was at fever pitch. After a resounding solo number on the part of Twilight, discotheque and dubstep had taken over the music scene. Dancing itself had actually given way to mingling and conversation, though the energy had yet to decline. The customary gifts had been exchanged, traditions partaken in, and everypony was taking the opportunity to socialize with rarely-seen friends. For Twilight, this meant her brother, of course, and somehow they managed to find a moment of time together near the fountain.
"This is really exciting, Shining! I may know a lot about the magic of friendship, but there's so much I don't know about the power of love! I have a million questions for you! What's it like? How does it feel to be in love? How did you know you loved Cadence? How is your love strong enough to blast away an army of changelings?"
"Easy, Twilee! Love is, actually, really hard to describe. It's something you just have to feel to know."
"But I've never felt love like you have! How am I supposed to know what love is like if I've never felt it?"
"You could just wait to fall in love, like the rest of us."
And, cue irritated glare.
"Oh yeah, waiting doesn't agree with you. Well, Twilee, I wish I could tell you more, but like I said, it's not easy to put into words."
Almost answering his excuse, a series of piano chords and drumbeats blared out of the speakers. Noticing the sudden change in music from dance to soft rock, Twilight (and many others in the crowd) turned their eyes to Pinkie, who released the turntables in confusion.
"Hey, it's not me doing it! I don't even know this song!"
But as the keys rang out, a sparkle came to Shining's eye, and a sudden energy and confidence possessed him.
"Maybe I can explain it better this way, Twilight."
"She waits for me each night, when I come home from service She gives me all her tenderness, and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear another mare would She still believes in miracles, I'll never love in vain
It's all about soul, it's all about faith and her deeper devotion It's all about soul, 'cause under the love is a stronger emotion I know that she's strong Though so many things have gone out of control But ev'ry day, I know that she'll stay, it's all about soul
She turned to me one night, and she asked me what I was dreaming And I realized I was dreaming about nothing but her And I asked her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment And we smiled and it was understood how deep our feelings were
It's all about soul, it's all about knowing just how she is feeling My mare has got soul, the power of love and the power of healing Though life wasn't fair Our world, it got dark, our world, it got cold And though it was tough, our love was enough, it's all about soul
Na na na na na na na It's all about soul Na na na na na na na Yes it is Na na na na na na na It's all about soul"
As an instrumental played, Twilight ran up to her brother, who had cleared a space with his performance.
"Shining! What are you doing? We're at a fancy wedding reception, not a karaoke party!"
For only a second, the spark vanished from his eyes.
"I don't know! I don't even know this song, but it just feels so...right!"
At that moment, Cadence herself emerged from the crowd of onlookers, with the same sparkle in her eyes. He never stood a chance; regaining his enthusiasm, he took her hooves to dance, and she took her turn to sing.
"You know, Chrysalis had lost every trace of love or kindness Though to her I may have fallen, our love will always survive
And you came to me that night and you told me what you wanted I said yes, and now you're all I need to keep my faith alive"
Lost in the moment, the couple began a duet.
"It's all about soul, it's all about joy that banishes sorrow It's all about soul, and as we stand now, we'll be standing tomorrow Our battle was hard But in the end, love won as a whole And we are the parts, but we share one heart It's all about soul
Oh yeah, Na na na na na na na It's all about soul Na na na na na na na Yes it is Na na na na na na na All about soul Na na na na na na na Yes it is..."
Stopped in mid-sway, Shining Armor and Cadence engaged in a lengthy, passionate kiss, earning a cheer from the crowd upon its completion. But roused by the volume, both of their eyes sprung wide open, and they released each other in mild shock and embarassment.
"Cadence, did we just..."
"I think we did."
"I...I-uh...I'm sorry, honey. I don't know what came over me."
"Hey, for the record, I think you have a beautiful singing voice."
Leave it to Cadence to swoop in and save the moment. The two shared a quick peck, only to find their audience applauding. They took the ceremonial bows, and the party music resumed. Sliding her glasses back on, Vinyl took another glance at the wires she had been examining during the number. Nothing about them had changed, and as far as she could tell, nothing was wrong with them to start with. Everything should've been working fine. But then where did that song come from?
Back in the present, Vinyl put two and two together as the record slowed. So this is where that song came from? The song that interrupted the royal wedding reception so long ago was just now finished playing? That is some freaky magic, Vinyl decided. She would definitely want Twilight to look at it later on. But if that was just one disc, what did all these others mean? Was each one another moment in time where ponies has spontaneously broken into song? But as All About Soul was placed back in its slot, the arm slid around to hover about another record. Descending to grip it, it slowly pulled the vinyl out and dropped it on the turntable...
The disc spun from its upright position to lie flat on the turntable, and an arm let go of its side as another brought the needle down on the record's edge. Once again, the label was unfamiliar, though Vinyl could make out the title a little easier.
Back at the Royal Palace, several months into the relative future, the two Princesses had met together for a long-avoided discussion of a long-avoided topic.
"Luna, it seems like ever since you came back to Equestria, you've been sliding more and more into isolation. You almost never leave your room anymore. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"Sister, there's so much I'd love to tell you, but you'd never understand me."
"Now, Luna, I doubt it's that complicated. Just tell me what's on your mind."
"No, you could never understand it. You don't know what it felt like."
"Please, just give me something."
"Fine...The pain never went away."
"What do you mean?"
"When I came back to Equestria, I hoped things could be different, that ponies could maybe appreciate the night as they do the daytime. But nothing has changed; they still think it a simple waiting period between each day. All this beauty, everywhere around them, and they won't even acknowledge it."
"I won't pretend I know how that feels, Luna. But I know it must hurt inside."
"Nor should you. But that isn't the only thing that hasn't left me. When I was on the Moon, there was no food; I was nourished by pure moonlight. There was nothing at all on the Moon, actually; just an empty, grey, endless desert. And it was all I knew for a thousand years. You can't imagine how dull it became. I think I went insane two or three times, just for a change in routine."
"Luna, I never meant to bring that on you. The Elements did what they did, regardless of my intentions. And if you didn't forgive me, I couldn't say I blamed you. But I thought we had put this behind us."
"No, sister, this is not something one simply puts behind them. It never goes away so easily. It's always there, defining you, influencing you, haunting you. There's no way out of that. I can't escape my past, no matter how I try."
"Don't go down that path any further, Luna. Your despair can easily turn to anger, which clouds your judgement."
"Too late..."
An ominous royal blue spark came into Luna's eye, as a trumpet chord blared throughout the room from no source in particular.
"It was the end, I held my breath, "Just count to ten" Watch the world move and then Feel my heart burst again For this was the end All over in one moment My mind and body broken Past wasted, future stolen
Then came nightfall, when it crumbled Watched you stand tall, then no more "together" At the night-fall, when I crumbled Back to the wall, hear my call, forever At nightfall Sad night's fall
Nightfall is where it starts A thousand years and worlds apart Then worlds collide, a day so dark You may have my number, you can change my name But you'll never stop my heart
No more nightfall, I won't crumble I can stand tall and face you, altogether No more nightfall, night won't crumble Even if all must come down, I'll never Let night fall
Can't go where I go Can't see what I see I know you'll never know me or what I was meant to be For your "loving arms" brought me naught but harm In this land, in my land, so I'll stand
Let the night fall, day will crumble The Moon will stand tall, rule it all, forever Let the night fall, you must crumble And you'll watch fall, a vengeful call together With nightfall
Let the night fall Darkness for all Last nightfall, oh-ah-oh, oh-ah-oh, oooh."
Upon conclusion of her final belted note, the spark left Luna's eyes, and she collapsed on the floor in less than complete consciousness. The wooden entryway burst open, revealing a frightened Twilight.
"Princess Celestia! I came as soon as I heard the noise! What happened to Luna?"
"I'm not sure, Twilight, but I think she may have... expressed a deep-seeded hatred of me through powerful music. And regarding that, I've never heard the song she was singing before, and it sounded like nothing an Equestrian artist would write. Not to mention the music she was singing to had no source."
"Just like at the wedding..."
"What do you mean?"
"At Cadence and Shining Armor's wedding reception, he broke into song about his love for her, and nopony knew what he was singing. And the background music for the tune came from nowhere, according to Pinkie."
"Do you have any ideas about what caused this?"
"My best guess is magic, and sinister magic at that."
But as the two conversed, Luna had quietly reawakened and, with her faculties restored, leapt out a nearby window, gliding across the Everfree Forest.
"Luna! Stop!"
"Where's she going?"
"I honestly don't know, Twilight. There's a hundred different sites she could be visiting, or she could just as likely have touched down in some random spot to search for privacy."
"What do we do?"
"'About her? Nothing. Luna needs time to think; if we try anything hasty, she'll just push us further away. But we do find the source of this unexplained musical phenomenon, because whoever caused it may have just stolen my sister from me a second time."
"It's amazing! I've never seen anything like it before! I mean, I've seen jukeboxes before, who hasn't? That would be silly to say I'd never seen a jukebox before, since they're in practically every..."
"Twilight!"
"Oh, did I ramble? I'm sorry, I have rambling issues."
Back at Vinyl's apartment, she and Twilight Sparkle were taking a look at the mysterious jukebox. With her better-honed magical abilities, Vinyl figured Twilight could pick out any spells or whatnot at work in the machine, and her confidence was further strengthened when Twilight emptied five books on mechanical engineering and jukebox design from her saddlebags. It was funny; Vinyl had a sizable collection of music memorabilia, including several antique jukeboxes. But this was the only one that ran on its own, and come to think of it, she had no idea how she got her hooves on it in the first place.
"So why does it turn on and start playing music without me even doing anything?"
"I don't know! There's no active magic at work inside, no enchantments on the parts, no self-activating mechanism, nothing! For all intents and purposes, this thing should be out of commission!"
"Well I saw it grab a record, put it down on the turntable and drop a needle. Twice, and both times no sound came out."
"That's another thing, I looked at the wiring top to bottom, and that part's all fine! If the needle was down, the power was on and a record was spinning, it should play music. That's about the only thing in the machine still functioning. This entire device makes absolutely no sense!"
"And then there's the records the thing played..."
"Exactly my point! I did an overnight cross-reference check on both All About Soul and Skyfall, and neither turned up in any copyright archives, advertisements or music reviews. Same story with the artists; not a thing to be found on Billy Joel or ADELE. But I agree with you that the name All About Soul reminds me of that incident at the Royal Wedding. Still, nothing on Skyfall. I'm well and truly baffled. I think we should call in Doctor Whooves to look at this; he seems to be the resident expert on the illogical and unexplainable."
"Definitely."
But suddenly, the jukebox came to life, interior parts clicking and whirring. The rusted metal arm rose up, twisted around, and grabbed a third record, then deposited it on the turntable. Like clockwork, the needle arm rotated then dropped down into the record's outer groove, and the turntable began spinning. "Ooh!" said Twilight excitedly, but the label on this record puzzled Vinyl even more.
"I thought Voltaire was a philosopher, not a musician. And even if he was, why would he be singing a song called "The U.S.S. Make Sh...?"
DIRTY LANGUAGE ALERT! The following song is uncensored. If this in any way offends, disturbs, perturbs, incenses, or in some other way causes a negative response in you, please leave this page immediately. Never come back. We at NightmareDash try to respect the sensibilities of all our readers; thus we have included this courtesy warning.
Following Princess Twilight's coronation, the first thing she did was try to regroup with her real friends. Swarmed by a horde of sweet-talking bureaucrats and eligible bachelors, this proved easier said than done. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie's antics had a way of driving off high-society crowds.
"Oh girls, I'm so glad to finally be alone with you! You have no idea how many ponies are trying to curry favor with the new princess."
"Yeah, Twi, congratulations on that! We're all really happy for ya, and if you ever need help haulin' the load, let us know."
"Quite right, darling. These Canterlot high-society types can be a nightmare to deal with, and as a princess you'll be getting to know them quite a bit more than you'd like. I'm ripe with advice for handling the stresses of such a life, so please do ask if you ever feel the need."
"Totally! Being a princess means you're a commander-in-chief of the Royal Guard, and the Wonderbolts too! Your job is to keep Equestria safe more than anything else. And, as you well know, I'm the fastest, sneakiest, most agile, and overall awesomest pegasus on the planet! "Her Majesty" will need a secret service, and I'm just the pony to be in charge!"
"I can... um... take care of the library in Ponyville.... wh-wh-while you're gone being a princess. That is... unless you still want to run it, of course."
"Don't worry, girls, I doubt being a princess will be that hard. Pinkie, you've been kinda quiet lately, what's up?"
"Oh, Twilight, I was just thinking that the Elements of Harmony turned you into an alicorn."
"Yes, yes they did, Pinkie. Remember, you were there?"
"So that means that the Elements can now send ponies to the Moon, banish evil beings from existence, turn living things to stone, turn stone back into living things, and now turn ponies into alicorns. You know, when I skimmed the reference guide, it never mentioned any of this."
"Well I'm glad it can do all of those things, because without them Equestria would be in grave danger."
"Sure, but doesn't it just seem like all this stuff about the magic of friendship, the power of love, the Crystal Heart, etcetera seem a bit made up as we're going along?"
Irish folk music suddenly began playing from no apparent source, sending Pinkie into a jig.
"About a thousand years ago, before both you and me Princess Luna turned into a nightmare drama queen But it didn't take much effort to send her to her end All Celestia had to do was be a damn good friend
But after such a long time, Nightmare Moon came back At the perfect time for you to foresee her attack Not a lot had changed, see, we didn't need to fight All it took was friendship to stop eternal night
And so we Turned some tacky necklaces into a rainbow beam of doom Threw a tiara in the mix and OHKO'd Nightmare Moon Nothing in Equestria can pose a threat to us 'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up
And after that came Discord, with fans he's quite a hit His chaos powers justify some crazy made-up shit He broke out 'cause some fillies fought, we're not sure how that works He gave us each a breaking speech and turned us into jerks
Equestria was upside-down, the boss was on a roll Until Spike started barfin' up a million scrolls It turns out Twilight knew the spell to turn us back to friends We just wish she'd a used it back when this shit began
So we said Use the necklace laser beam to turn the psycho back to stone Why not send him to the Moon or kill him? We don't really know Even the Q Continuum can't pose a threat to us 'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up
It turns out Rainbow Dash, by flying very fast Can pull a nuclear explosion right out of her ass I can sense things coming by just the slightest twitch And Fluttershy's got a death stare to help her smack a bitch
Then came all the changelings, on the royal wedding day They change their shape and feed on love, but just showed up today They'd made a threat against us, so I guess we shoulda seen It coming when Cadence turned into the changeling queen
So we said Find the real Cadence, know the perfect way to get her out To get her to the wedding just before they seal their binding vows We cannot use the Elements, but the power of love can help We'll bake some fresh shit right from scratch and blow them all to hell
Then came the Crystal Empire, it happened to reappear But if it had been gone so long, who found out it was there? It was ruled by King Sombra, but we beat his ass too We used a heart-shaped crystal, just like in Daring Do
And so came this adventure, you said an old spell wrong But you got the perfect recipe to switch our Cutie Marks You fixed us and got the spell right, among other things And then we used the Elements to give you fucking wings
We just said Forget all the old ways that we'd fix problems as bad as this Use the magic of friendship, just tack on some brand-new shit Is there anything that fucking magic cannot fix? I doubt it, it's the writers' single greatest source of shit
But that was just the big stuff, so I really ought to say We run into shit like that on ordinary days If we can't use magic, we still know just what to do Zecora's got an answer in some drugged-up foreign brew
Babies fly and do magic when I am foalsitting But Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle can't do a fucking thing Fashion's a huge industry, as Rarity surely knows But the jury's still out on whether ponies should wear clothes
And I say, Make a random spell to fix up any problem that we face Plot-convenient shit just happens, let's accept it with some grace Trixie and the Flim-Flam Bros, they pose no threat to us ‘Cause if we find we’re in a bind, we just make some shit up!
Bonus Verse!
Now that you're a princess, more crazy shit goes down An angry ex-apprentice up and goes and steals your crown She throws it through a mirror that's a portal to the Earth You know they're gonna milk this for all the shit it's worth
So you get stuck in high school, a human, rather strange But you find friends just like us, 'specially since our names don't change But with all the drama, I think you forgot something: Why'd you have to win the crown, just steal the fucking thing!
And I say Bounce a rainbow friendship beam off the magic mirror, um, Channel through the Crystal Heart, then charge it with the power of love In the end, there's nothing that can pose a threat to us 'Cause if we find we're in a bind, we're totally screwed but never mind We'll pull something out of our behinds...
"What does Celestia need with another princess?"
...we just make some shit up!
Pinkie finished her jig, but then shook her head rapidly and awoke with a cocked eyebrow and puzzled expression. Fluttershy took the long-denied opportunity to gasp.
"Such language!"
"Yeah, Pinkie, I know I'm not the best to be talkin' about this, but dontcha think that was a mite too vulgar?"
"Girls, that wasn't me! I mean, it was my voice, and my body, but I wasn't telling them to do that! You girls know I never swear, especially not in songs!"
"That's strange, it sounds a lot like what happened to Cadence and my brother at the wedding reception. Spontanteous music from an unknown source, along with out-of-control singing and dancing. But Pinkie, you sang something about an angry ex-apprentice and a magic mirror. Who would hate me so much to make them want to steal my crown? And what are 'humans'?"